Why the hell don't I know my own gender

[SkylarEitherWay]

Hello, 
I am a 26 year old mother, and I have been questioning my gender since I was a child. It comes in waves and phases, and typically I just feel...unfeminine. 
In the last few months, I have been considering, for the second time in my life, if I should take these feelings seriously. 
 

I am having a hard time wording how I feel. I feel...misplaced. I look at my face, and I look at my body and it doesn't look *right*...it's like I look in the mirror and I can't see myself. 
It's hard for me to write this. I want to write 'I am a man', but every time I try, I can feel every way that isn't true. I want to admit it to myself that I feel most like a man, but I can't. It's like my desire to be a man is this giant chasm, and if I admit it to myself, I will have stepped off the edge. And then I'll just be down there...and to get to the other side, and actually be a man, I'll have to climb out of a -censored- pit that I could have just not jumped into in the first place, if I would have just moved past this feeling.

People say they were assigned female at birth, but genuinely it's like I was assigned female at birth by everyone else, and I assigned 'genderless' to myself. I don't want to be genderless, but female doesn't feel right either. Being a man seems most close to how I feel, but I don't know how to know for sure. Where the hell do I start? 

[SugarMagnolia]

Welcome, Skylar! Many of us here have been in or ARE in exactly the same situation of questioning that you're experiencing. It can feel isolating and confusing, but it's also the starting point for understanding ourselves more fully. Please try not to feel overwhelmed by all the possibilities...this is your journey and going fast, slow or just staying where you are for a while are all fine. It's not all or nothing.

Finding a good gender therapist can be enormously helpful in this process and will give you someone you can talk to openly and honestly about what you're feeling in addition to providing guidance about how to proceed. Waterloo Counseling in Austin seems to be pretty well regarded, so that could be a useful resource.

Please feel free to ask questions and discuss how you're feeling. That's what we're all here for! ❤️

P.S. I lived in Austin for a number of years and absolutely loved it there. I REALLY miss the food and music!

Hugs,
Julie (SugarMagnolia)

 

[DeeDee]

Just now, SkylarEitherWay said:

Being a man seems most close to how I feel, but I don't know how to know for sure. Where the hell do I start? 

Hi Skylar, it can be tough to actually ask start to ask ourselves the questions, but if you're here and looking about I would say that you are taking them seriously.  Although asking a question and deciding to act on the answer are two very different things! 

[VickySGV]

If you have even come here with questions about your gender, my observation is that you are NOT cis-gender which is the opposite of Transgender.  You are Trans, but the degree and your personal needs are going to be a thing of discovery for a while here, and Gender Dysphoria, a term derived from Greek words meaning "terrible burden", may start out like nearly nothing and will consistently, persistently and insistently grow in your life until you have to face it  GD can really be a kick in the gut and the way you are talking says you have felt it.  None of us are identical for when we first felt it but there is a pattern on how it progresses that we can share with you.

[Terry]

Hi Skylar, welcome to this forum. Your feelings are not unusual. Many (most) of us were confused, upset, struggling or alike when we first came here. You'll find that everybody here is really understanding and welcoming. Gender can be tough when it hits you, but you can't run away from dealing with it and if you face it it becomes easier eventually.

 

Where do you start? By being honest to yourself. Ideally in small, manageable steps. Personally I started looking up all kinds of tests, but found that the definition of gender dysphoria in the DSM-V (the current standard for psychotherapists) was the most useful for me. To sum up: 1. Is your experienced gender consistent with your primary and/or secondary sex characteristics? 2. Do you want to be rid of your sex characteristics? 3. Do you desire the sex characteristics of another gender? 4. Do you have a strong desire to be of another gender? 5. Do you have a strong desire to be treated like another gender? 6. Are you convinced that you have the typical feelings / reactions of another gender? According to the DSM-V dysphoria is diagnosed if the answer to at least two of the previous questions is yes. Obviously only a qualified gender therapist can do a proper diagnosis, but we can still think about these questions and answer them to ourselves.

 

Finally, don't put yourself under pressure. As long as you're not sure what you are, just stay open to all options and take your time to find out. If you're a woman that's fine, if you're a man it's fine too. And it's also fine if you're somewhere in the big grey area in between. The only thing that can't work is to try and force yourself to be someone other than yourself.

[Tessa]

Terry, 

 

I love how you said, “The only thing that can’t work is to try to force yourself to be someone other than yourself.” 

 

I think this is so true. We can’t let people or society tell us who we are. We are each unique creations and have feelings different than other people. That’s what makes us human beings.  The important part is to love yourself! Don’t be critical of who you are because deep inside only you know who you are and no one else can tell you that! Love yourself and trust that you are the only one who knows what’s best for you. 

 

Thanks for that inspirational quote. 

 

Friends to all, 

 

Tessa

 

 

 

 

[hmillerrr]

Hey! First off all I just want to say I'm proud of you for seeking help and company this time, if nothing else this site could make you feel less alone. I joined about 6 months ago and I don't regret it for one minute. I wish I could give you some magic answer but all I have is this; give it time. Experiment. Not long ago I came in here with identical thoughts of why say anything? Ignore it like you've done your whole life but I realize now it came back up for a reason. Your heart will tell you things you head won't. Now I'm not saying hey your a female to male trans but I do definitely believe you owe this to yourself to see it out this time. Experiment. If you have long hair tuck it up see how yo u feel looking male. Allow yourself to imagine what COULD be instead of focusing on what is. Private message me whenever. Best of luck to you!

-Trevor

[Nikki63646]

I don’t know what to say as I’m in an equally confused state of mind but from what I can see, you’ve connected the dots as I have and have found this place to start the process of self correction. 

 

I wouldnt assume for sure that you are genderless as you wrote “I want to write ‘I am a man’” so theoretically, you know who you really are and what you want to be which ticks off two questions in Terry’s post. I think you need to accept that within yourself and once your ready, you will know the next step.  

[Lucy]

Hi Skylar, I’m a newby round these parts too. They all seem a friendly bunch.  

 

I had had a similar experience in that for years I felt something inside me was just ‘off’. Hard to explain it more than that really. I was always fascinated with being female for some unknown reason and during puberty I played a fantasy game on my own where I had been kidnapped and the baddies drugged me and when i awoke they had operated on me and I had a vagina instead of the penis I had before they drugged me. Thing is they baddies didn’t realise I was euphoric with what they had given me instead of being horrified like they thought I would be. I started cross dressing at about 17/18 and it just felt nice /sexy/ relaxing. I kid you not but 2 years ago (At 48yrs) I finally told my wife about my cross dressing because I couldn’t contain the guilt of her not knowing anymore. She was shocked but we have worked thru it but the thing that’s struck me hardest (and I thought I was going to have a mental meltdown) was the joining of a lot of dots which lead all the way back to about the age of 12 when I first thought about my feeling of being ‘off’. I’m now coming to terms that I’m probably trans and a therapist has helped me calm down and take things slowly. It’s a long story but I’ve tried to be as much to the point as possible. Ultimately, we are all humans and have similar and different experiences but you are among friends and people who know how hard this all is. Hand in there, you’re worth it. Lucy 

[Stillbourne]

This thread is a good read. I have to stop reading it for now though. I've had such an overwhelming peace come over me. Seeing a world of beautiful people really around each other is so alien to me. Thank you to the people asking for help and advice, you're not asking just for yourself. Thank you to the people answering, your experiences and "dues paid" are the difference some of us need. I don't feel I'd have as good odds getting through this if I had to be one of the pioneers. All the great advice and love shown on here is truly a gift to my tired soul. I feel like I'm home. No matter how messed up the issues seemed in my head when I came here tonight, I'm seeing that at least they're real and that maybe I'm not as crazy as I thought.

Hugs to you all. I hope to see more soon.

[Kole Rickard]

Hello Skylar. I am Kole and I am only 15 years old but I will try my best to help. Though I am still young, I feel you. Sometimes I question it as well. I always think to myself "What if this isn't me? What if I regret it?". But there are signs where you know you are transgender. For myself, I consider nonbinary as transgender. For that you are not the gender you are assigned at birth. If you feel both fem and masc one day to another, you could be genderfluid. If you feel that you are neither and you are strictly stuck between, you could be nonbinary. In my opinion, you should see a gender therapist if you think about this more often. Thinking about it once or twice is normal for anyone, but when it keeps occurring its not as normal. Though you do not feel you are female, you are having trouble assigning yourself as a male. I think that is how every trans male is. Especially me, I was very timid to come out to everyone because I didn't know how they would react. I was scared they would just ignore everything. And you know what, they did. My mom still has trouble accepting that fact and my father is still ignoring the whole situation. Luckily, I found good friends and an amazing partner. They all understand my situation and support my decisions. They even help me figure myself out when im stuck. If you didn't already, come out to your friends first. If they ignore, they're not true friends. Make better friends. Though I am  young, I could be a start. I understand your situation completely though. If you wanna chat more into detail or in general you can msg me on tp or msg me on email at [email protected]. I hope you get everything figured out! (Also @killjoyaiden is a great person to talk to about this situation as well.)

[killjoyaiden]

@Kole Rickard :') 

 

MY MESSAGES ARE ALWAYS OPEN!!!!

 

Stay safe and stay alive,

Aiden