Proper way to ask if someone is trans? Is there?

[KymmieL]

Well today, we had a customer come in. The dress and voice was feminine but was obviously male. A large aa. She wanted to have the engine codes on her Escape read. I so wanted to ask if she was trans but didn't really know the best way to approach it. If there is one.

 

So what if anyway to ask if a person is transgender or not?

 

Thanks all.

 

Kymmie

 

 

 

 

[VickySGV]

There are really no ways to gently ask without the risk of causing trouble, at least not in public places or where cis people are around.  It is another thing if they are in safe Trans place which are few and far between.  I am out and active and will let my status be known, and if they react to me as "one of the clan" then it is OK. I wish it did not have to be that way, and sadly in some places I am seen as a threat to other TG's by them.  By now, not tears, but they have been about that. 

[Carolyn Marie]

I'm glad you asked that question, Kymmie, as many trans folk and cis folk want to know the answer.  Most trans folk I know, including myself, do not believe anyone should be asked that question.  Your reason for doing so may be completely benign, and you may have the best of intentions, but U still don't think its appropriate,  What it immediately tells a trans person is that they are easily "read" or "clocked."  That can be embarrassing or even humiliating for them.

 

If someone volunteers that info, that's a different story.  I once encountered a cross dresser at the museum I volunteer at, who was out and proud and spoke openly about it to me and other staff members.  I listened politely but did not volunteer anything about myself.  Be guided by the person, and think about how you might feel if you were them.

 

Carolyn Marie

[DeeDee]

Hi Kymmie,

 

I'm not sure there is a way to ask, because in that setting why would you need to?

 

I would be mortified if that was asked the first time I pluck up the courage to go out..

I would probably answer honestly but it would set me back weeks vs getting a smile and treated like everyone else which I would take as a positive and that would push me to go out again sooner.  

 

[Beverly]

It's never okay to ask a person if they're transgender. There's no correct or polite way to do it. Think of it this way. Would you ask someone about their genitalia? No, of course not. It's essentially the same thing. If you don't know a person's gender, don't worry about it. Live and let live.

 

[Linde]

I would want to chime in.  If somebody would ask me if I am trans, i would ask back; can you please show me your genitalia?

It's none of you business to know if i am trans or not, the same as it is not my business to inspect your genitalia!

[Ashlee]

Last week a coworker was asking another coworker if I was trans. I wasn't there that day but was told that 2 of my cis girlfriends really layed in to her about keeping her questions and opinions to her self. I only have 3 to 4 friends and they are cis girls. Well 3 are cis and one is bi. We're pretty close. 

So on that note, I don't think its ever ok to ask, whether you ask the person or someone else. Its really nobody's business 

Ashlee ❤️

[KymmieL]

Thank you, My friends for the insight, It seems like I still have a lot to learn.

 

Hugs,

Kymmie

[RithiaAllen]

4 hours ago, KymmieL said:

Well today, we had a customer come in. The dress and voice was feminine but was obviously male. A large aa. She wanted to have the engine codes on her Escape read. I so wanted to ask if she was trans but didn't really know the best way to approach it. If there is one.

 

So what if anyway to ask if a person is transgender or not?

 

Thanks all.

 

Kymmie

My suggestion is don't.

[Kirsten]

I’ll play devils advocate here.... don’t you want to meet more trans people nearby!? Shouldn’t other trans people be okay with another trans person asking?? 

I do understand that this is not a popular opinion. I do understand all of the negative connotation it carries with it. But I also see all of this as part of the problem. 

If someone is missing an arm, you ask. Not in passing usualy, but once a level playing ground is found you ask. Why is being trans such a faux pas?! Probably one of the most annoying parts of this whole thing to me. Being trans is different. It’s interesting. And it makes people curious. I feel that if it is brought up in a valid and positive manner it should be okay. 

Having said that I won’t do it myself for every reason people will post before and after me. It’s really a sad thing I think. 

[Willow]

Kymmie, I have certainly observed people I thought might be trans.  Little things about them that seemed out of place for the way they were presenting.  But while I was curious and would. Like to talk to them if they are, I would never dare ask, and I would be most embarrassed and upset if someone asked me.

 

Willow

[Susan R]

32 minutes ago, Kirsten said:

don’t you want to meet more trans people nearby!?

The short answer is ..Yes.  I'm just terrible doing it in person lately.

I was out shopping today in the lingerie dept. with my wife.  I was in complete male mode while shopping.  One of the store employees was putting back merchandise on the racks and was clearly MtF (well, I was 90% sure).  I was actually hoping she would ask me if I needed any help so a conversation might be started.  I attempted to start one but froze when she looked away avoiding eye contact.  This happened once again and then she left the dept..  I wasn't going to ask her anything about her gender but just wanted to open a discussion.  A similar situation happened a couple months ago with another TG person with a similar result.  I'm normally a lot more outgoing in public but I definitely can't imagine posing a question about their identity.  That would probably never go well.

 

Susan R?

[RithiaAllen]

1 hour ago, Kirsten said:

I’ll play devils advocate here.... don’t you want to meet more trans people nearby!? Shouldn’t other trans people be okay with another trans person asking?? 

I do understand that this is not a popular opinion. I do understand all of the negative connotation it carries with it. But I also see all of this as part of the problem. 

If someone is missing an arm, you ask. Not in passing usualy, but once a level playing ground is found you ask. Why is being trans such a faux pas?! Probably one of the most annoying parts of this whole thing to me. Being trans is different. It’s interesting. And it makes people curious. I feel that if it is brought up in a valid and positive manner it should be okay. 

Having said that I won’t do it myself for every reason people will post before and after me. It’s really a sad thing I think. 

The hard rule is you do not out people. Outing people can have dramatic consequences for them and as a fellow trans person the last person that should be outing another is a trans person.

 

A question for everyone is, do you enjoy being misgendered? Asking someone out in public is right up there in my opinion.

 

I work with another trans person. I don’t think that she has clocked me but I clocked her almost instantaneously. She has worked for the company for years but changed offices. Texas can be rough for trans people that don’t pass. I’m not going to say anything to anyone out of respect for her.

 

We can all lament the social injustices all we want but the reality is being outed can be dangerous. Plus there is the off chance I could be wrong and I wouldn’t want to humiliate her. I figure it is best simply to be her friend and accept her for her without any need for winks and nods.

 

 

[Carolyn Marie]

1 hour ago, Kirsten said:

If someone is missing an arm, you ask. Not in passing usualy, but once a level playing ground is found you ask. Why is being trans such a faux pas?! P

 

Because, particularly in a public situation, noting someone's physical disability would not (usually) put them in danger of being ostracized, bullied or humiliated.  Any or all of those things  could happen to a trans person in that situation.  A disabled person usually knows that their disability is visible, but not so most trans people, or at least they hope its not.  There is still far too much discrimination of, and fear about trans people among the general public.  Until that is no longer the case, this unwritten rule is still the best approach.

 

Carolyn Marie

[KymmieL]

One thing That I would never ever do. would be out someone especially with anyone around.

 

Kymmie

[RithiaAllen]

Just now, KymmieL said:

One thing That I would never ever do. would be out someone especially with anyone around.

 

Kymmie

Keep in mind the walls have ears. Even if you think no one is listening someone could be listening. Don’t do it.

[tracy_j]

From a receiver end, when I was at work, officially male but with makeup so somewhat obvious, I was happy for people to ask. As I have never had any trans friends except here to chat with it was actually a great help to me talking with (generally) women I visited as part of my job. Men seldom mentioned but did not seem negative. These women were genuinely interested, and sometimes very helpful.

 

When out and about now though, I live as a woman except for a few specific times. I am still officially male, and, although dressing otherwise, still male with family and some friends. In that, actually I do wonder if being mis-gendered is actually the lesser evil of being asked if I am trans? Being asked is putting me on the spot, probably in a strange situation and with a stranger, whereas being mis-gendered is usually over before anyone notices. Women I get to know do sometimes ask after a while. That, for me, is Ok.

 

My take would be to generally treat someone who is appearing trans as any other woman (or man as the case may be). Usually you tend to catch the eye of someone with a friendly disposition. I like to chat so am often likely to say hello / discuss the prices in supermarkets etc. I think it would come out at some point, and if they wanted a friend, being friendly is a good start.

 

Tracy

[Josie Beth]

I’ve encountered a few trans women around the area but I know they are not ready to open up about it. One works at a store down the street. Whenever I bump into her I just treat her like I would like to be treated, and I don’t put her on the spot. Maybe some day she will be more friendly. I suspect that a couple more may be around too but again I just smile and treat them with respect. One of the ladies is being more friendly but I don’t pry into her business. Eventually I might gain some new friends but I’ll let them choose when they are comfortable.

[Kirsten]

All points I knew would be brought up. Still don’t like any of them though. I guess I just wish it wasn’t that way. Idk. I’ve just seen so many people that have wanted to talk to me over the last half a year who obviously know that I am trans but they won’t because of everything you said. It’s a lot of missed opportunities to educate the public to me. But I know I’m a misfit. And I appreciate everyone’s responses. I just feel differently. 

[Linde]

Just now, Kirsten said:

All points I knew would be brought up. Still don’t like any of them though. I guess I just wish it wasn’t that way. Idk. I’ve just seen so many people that have wanted to talk to me over the last half a year who obviously know that I am trans but they won’t because of everything you said. It’s a lot of missed opportunities to educate the public to me. But I know I’m a misfit. And I appreciate everyone’s responses. I just feel differently. 

I think most of us would react differently, If there would not be that much hostility out there that targets people who are different!  Specifically with  he homophobic agenda of the current administration, it is not that great to broadcast the difference of us!

[Cyndee]

6 hours ago, Kirsten said:

All points I knew would be brought up. Still don’t like any of them though. I guess I just wish it wasn’t that way. Idk. I’ve just seen so many people that have wanted to talk to me over the last half a year who obviously know that I am trans but they won’t because of everything you said. It’s a lot of missed opportunities to educate the public to me. But I know I’m a misfit. And I appreciate everyone’s responses. I just feel differently. 

 

Hi Kirsten, I will let you know a short story on this topic, a transwoman lived in our neighborhood, she tended her garden out front a lot, and her house was on my favorite path for exercise walking. Slowly over the years she would wave to me or say hello, but we never spoke of any of these topics, till one day, after it was very apparent that I was transitioning (obvious) and we had seen each other for literately years, she finally struck up a conversation, and she said "I'm like you", I had an idea she was, but never said anything, she brought it up, and now we are great friends, turns out her daughters went to the same school as our daughters, and she was only a few years older than me, we had many things in common besides being transwomen. So that reaching out took a long time and only after we were familiar with each other as neighbors, but I'm glad she did. Having said all that I do agree with the majority here on this board, I would never ask someone out in public I did not know, it's just being respectful of people's privacy.

 

C -

[Robin]

I don't want to start an argument, but I would not mind someone asking me whether I am trans, as long as they were being polite and friendly.  If we are too ashamed of ourselves to admit who we are, how can we expect other people to respect us.

 

Robin.

[RithiaAllen]

Just now, Robin said:

I don't want to start an argument, but I would not mind someone asking me whether I am trans, as long as they were being polite and friendly.  If we are too ashamed of ourselves to admit who we are, how can we expect other people to respect us.

 

Robin.

We are not all activists. Some of us just want to blend in and not take the heat. I was outed because of paperwork and things got very nasty, almost career ruining. It’s not a matter of being ashamed, it’s a matter of safety and security.

[Briana]

11 hours ago, RithiaAllen said:

The hard rule is you do not out people. Outing people can have dramatic consequences for them and as a fellow trans person the last person that should be outing another is a trans person.

 

I tend to agree with this Rithia for many reasons.  Mostly, it's no one's business unless you want to share.  To me it's akin to going up to someone and asking their medical condition/history etc.  Unless the person wants to share, I feel that it's just inappropriate. 

[SugarMagnolia]

I would not ask anyone else; however, I'm comfortable being asked as long as it's done in a respectful way. It's certainly not something I hide/can hide and at the moment I look forward to being able to educate. I'm sure I will tire of that over time, though. 

The difficulty is that there is no way to know ahead of time how any given person will feel about being asked. In my opinion, the risk of it being the wrong thing to do in any given case outweighs any other considerations.