I’m Tessa

[Tessa]

Hi, 

 

I’m new to this site. I’m 44 but look younger. I’m divorced and have 3 children. Just graduated with my Bachelors in Educational Studies. 

 

I came here to meet friends because I have very few. I don’t think people understand me.  

         My journey started in the womb. I was suppose to be the girl. My mom tried to stop me from coming but I made my way into this world. 

        I am now and was as a child very skinny shy boy/man. I wasn’t good at sports or things boys do. I was made fun of for my skinny body and always called the girl. This hurt badly. So instead of trying to defend myself I withdrew into my own imaginary world. I was safe there. On the playground it was the sandbox. At home it would be in my play. My brothers always made me be the girl when we played. 

          I fell in love when I was 25 and thought this woman would be with me forever! We had a new house and new cars and all the fancy things. Then tragedy hit. I lost my job and my wife began to look at me as a loser. She withdrew from me completely. No sex for many years. I couldn’t even hug her or kiss her. I did find a job but things had changed. 

          I was cut off from all effection and told I was a loser. This was told in front of my children. The pain was so great I withdrew back to my imaginary world. My wife worked the graveyard shift leaving me responsibility to get the kids to school, feed them, pretty much everything a mom does. I loved them but began to get frustrated with no effection or love. So I created my own love! I became the woman. I was now cherished and loved within my fantasy world. I started writing stories of love and poems. 

       So I dressed in my wife’s clothes when she was gone. I missed her and wanted effection. Maybe this wasn’t right but who can live without love? I never cheated on her I loved her dearly. I loved my children dearly! I was working 2 jobs to keep us in the house. I thought that’s what a man does. He works hard and gets nothing in return. 

          The divorce was horrible and my name was dragged through the mud. I told myself I will forgive her and I have. I got my own apartment and I am trying to rebuilt my life.

         I want to be cuddled and loved and told I matter. I love dressing like a woman. It makes me feel comforted. I love the idea of someone holding me. 

         I love to write stories. Beautiful love stories! I’m writing one now. I’m looking for someone to love me. To say that I’m beautiful just the way I am.  I don’t know what’s in my future but I want this pain to go away. It helps to talk it out. 

        Inside I am Tessa but I lock her away because I’m afraid the world will not accept her (me). I know I have a long journey ahead but it’s nice to vent. 

 

Tessa

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Jani]

Greetings Tessa.  You're at point where you can start anew if you desire, unmarried and with a new degree.  I understand you will always have your children to love and worry about.  The pain you are feeling can be addressed.  You can get free of it.  As we do, I recommend a therapist.  I never considered one but when I finally threw in the towel it was the best choice I made as my therapist was able to walk me through the stages to get to a point of happiness and satisfaction with my life.  

 

I'm glad to hear you write. This can be so cathartic and healing.  I see you've already made a few posts; great!  Please continue to write here and contribute to our community.  We're here for each other. 

 

Cheers, Jani

[Susan R]

HI Tessa,  it is a pleasure to meet you.  You will always be accepted here.  We all have diverse and separate stories but they share many common thread to yours.  We all want love and I am so sorry your wife stopped providing that love you deserve and need.

As Jani mentioned and imho,  therapy is the best next step for you.  I was exactly where you are now when I began to reach out.  A good therapist can really help you address these issues and help you identify and move forward to your next proactive step.  Happiness is out there and with the proper guidance, you'll find it.

 

Susan R?

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Tessa,

Welcome to TransPulse. I'm glad you've found us!

 

You are not a failure, and you do matter.

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf?

[Charlize]

Welcome Tessa.  Being here certainly helped me.  Simply accepting myself and finding i wasn't alone moved me forward on a path to peace with myself and the world.  Like Jani i found therapy very helpful.

 

Glad you've joined us.

 

Charlize

[tracy_j]

Hi Tessa,

 

Welcome ?

 

Tracy

[SaraAW]

Tessa, welcome.  I have been struggling with GD for a bit now and just recently joined this community. So far I have found the people very supportive and informative. I hope you do too. 

 

*hugs*