Anxiety over dead name

[Raven1981]

So I just have to share that today Tuesday I ran into an old co-worker that I worked with at my previous job that bearly recognized me that called me by my dead name.  I started to feel horrible and shaking and really hated the feeling that someone used my dead name.  I asked them nicely letting them know what my legal name is and please call me by my name but they still called me by my dead name.  I hate that feeling and want to just stay in bed under the covers now.  All I have to say is why would someone use your dead name when you ask them nicely to please call me by my legal name?

[Dakota16]

I've learned that although I say "Hey, I'm Dakota, and I prefer female pronouns please" or something like that, I can still get deadnamed. People who've known me for a long time but don't see me often seem to have the roughest time with it. It makes sense even though it is hurtful. As long as they can remember, I've been <deadname> for everything. Now they're seeing me for the first time in quite awhile as the woman I really am. Assuming they respect me, they probably don't mean to deadname me...it's just second nature. But if it's intentional (which I'm not sure about in this case), I'd chalk it up to someone who may not want to get to know who I am and just restrict contact as much as I can (even though chance encounters are always possible).

 

When it happens, it's sad and deals a blow. But it's most likely that the person who does deadname/misgender us isn't even aware they're doing it and don't mean any harm or disrespect. What separates them is that they'll recognize their mistake and will let us know. It's tough to hear, but even if they refuse to recognize us for who we are, we have one thing going for us: they don't control our identity...we do. We can't let them get into our heads and get us to question what we're doing or cause us to feel bad about ourselves. They don't know how our story continues to unfold, nor do they want to. They don't want to know the hardships we endured pretending to fit into a life that just wasn't ours. They don't want to know all the positives we get from transitioning. No matter how hard they try, nobody--former or existing co-workers, family, friends, neighbors, the waitress at Waffle House, the cashier at Walmart--can take who we are away from us.

 

Stay strong, girl.

[Carolyn Marie]

It is something that happens to all of us, Amy.  It is not always a deliberate act; people who have known you for a long time as "him" often have a really hard time adjusting to the new you.  I had a colleague who had known me for nine years prior to my transition.  He wanted to call me by my new name, but his brain seemed to be hardwired and couldn't make the change.  He was clearly embarrassed every time it happened, and every time he apologized, and then it would happen again.  We were both frustrated, and because we were friends, I knew he wasn't doing it on purpose.  It's just the way it was, and we didn't let it ruin our friendship.

 

On the other hand, if you have reason to believe its being done to hurt, embarrass or demean you, you have every right to complain to the perpetrator, their supervisor, HR, or whoever the proper person is, or remove them from your life (if its not a work place situation).

 

I hope it gets better for you.  People make mistakes.  It will pass, you'll see.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Jani]

Don't fret over this.  It happens.

 

Next time, state your name and if they don't get it walk away.

 

Jani

[Raven1981]

Thank You all.  It is was a previous co-worker from a previous job that I used to work at.  I was never really friends with that person and just co-workers.  I have just tried to ask nicely to please call me by my name and they did not even try to change.  So I am not even going to contact them back or anything.  Since all they were is a past co-worker.  It's no harm on myself.  But it does hurt when you ask people to call you by your name or to correct the pronouns and they just dont even try.

 

 

[Michelle F]

6 hours ago, Amy LeBlanc said:

...snip...

 But it does hurt when you ask people to call you by your name or to correct the pronouns and they just dont even try.

Clearly myopic! My other"friend" that I thought was accepting me flat out told me, "I'm not calling you Michelle! I'll call you Mikey! I'm too old to relearn your name!" Then he laughed...

 

Not sure how to take that...?

[Jani]

Tell him "well I tend to forget names too Madeline!"  Keep using a different women's name when you see him.  He'll figure it out soon enough.  Either that or cast him off. 

 

Jani

[Michelle F]

He and I have what used to be an anniversary get together. 24 hours at Daytona car race is this weekend. I will try that.

 

So when he desdnsmes me just remind him of a different name starting with M every time? 

[Cyndee]

On 1/22/2019 at 11:33 PM, Amy LeBlanc said:

Thank You all.  It is was a previous co-worker from a previous job that I used to work at.  I was never really friends with that person and just co-workers.  I have just tried to ask nicely to please call me by my name and they did not even try to change.  So I am not even going to contact them back or anything.  Since all they were is a past co-worker.  It's no harm on myself.  But it does hurt when you ask people to call you by your name or to correct the pronouns and they just dont even try.

 

 

 

Hi Amy,

 

<vent>

 

  I wanted to comment in this thread, because even after over 5 years of changing my name at work, I have a co worker in India, that has refused to update his address book entry for me. He keeps emailing me using my dead name in the address book, everyone else changed their address book years ago, I hardly ever see my "dead name" show up after this long, except from this one guy in India, and it goes beyond just the email entry, it's his attitude when he calls for technical help on the phone, he talks down to me, and seems to struggle, can he accept technical advice from a woman ? I finally addressed this issue with management today, I first asked him to update his address book entry directly and professionally as well as informed management "Houston we may have a problem here". Our company has policies regarding "gender identity discrimination" it is not tolerated. It's just basic courtesy to address people by the name they are most comfortable with. Most of the time it's just best to simply move on from dead name issues. The ghosts of the past never really go away completely, but over time, the ghosts simply fade away and become quite insignificant.

 

Good luck at your work Amy,

 

 </vent>

 

C -

[Cyndee]

I received a reply today from the person in India, apologizing for the mistakes, I thanked him, and I think this might be the end of that...

 

Hugs

 

C -

[Jani]

Good for you Cynthia.  So people need to be told directly. 

[Charlize]

The dead name issue seems to be one that confronts all of us.  My worst experiences were with my first AA sponsor.  After i went full time he simply refused to use my correct pronouns or name.  I had felt close to him and felt let down.  I guess he was a "good" catholic(? ) or simply didn't understand.  A year or so later had a chance to speak up for new trans friendly literature for AA.  It was in a room of people representing meetings around the whole NE of the US.   Somehow he heard about my acceptance there and i'm grateful that he had accepted me before he died a few years later.

I guess there are times when we simply have to continue on despite others knowing that they may never change their attitudes unless circumstances change them anyway.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize