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Petit nain des Îles

Hi from France!

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Petit nain des Îles

Hi! I'm really nervous because I'm posting on a trans forum for the first time and have a lot to say.

 

I'm Alex, 23, currently working as a temp, and plan to go back to college to finish my studies.

 

I'm born male but started feeling discomfort in my body relatively early. In middle school, one of my classmates, and also closest friends at the time, was bullied for being « too girly ». I'm pointing this out as it has to do with what's next. I was bullied for other reasons, mostly for being skinny, shy and progressively becoming mute. The (wrong?) lesson I learned from it, in order to protect myself and prevent further harassment, was to just forget about my identity and my needs, and instead mimic everyone else. Just fit in with the crowd.

 

However, a few weeks before I turning 13, I started fantasizing about being a woman. When I was going to bed, I would dream up scenarios, and act like the pajamas I put on were instead « feminine » clothes such as dresses, tank tops, v-neck shirts, etc. These fantasies would be triggered by a sudden impulse that I can't explain. These situations would last 30 minutes to 1 hour, during which I was feeling myself for once, then I would finally try to sleep. Unfortunately, I would feel so much shame and guilt and ask myself « Why am I doing this? My classmates are right, I'm a weirdo and a failure. » or « What will my mom say if she sees my clothes all stretched out? » over and over again. These impulses would occur once or twice every few weeks, but I didn't think much of it outside of the fear of being busted by my parents.

 

In high school, I had my first relationship with a woman. It didn't last as I realized that I was suffering from social phobia, which put a meaning to many daily avoidance behaviors as well as explaining in part why I had such a hard time connecting with people and sustaining friendships. In the following junior year, a few things made something click in my mind, one of them being punk musician Laura Jane Grace coming out as a trans woman. I followed her story and took it by heart so hard, particularly considering the backlash happening in the punk scene. I didn't realize yet, but it made me do my first dive into sexual and gender issues, social justice, and politics in a broader way, and it was the very beginning of my journey. 

 

With this new awareness also came a vicious cycle that I kept getting trapped in. My first suicidal thoughts and self-harming impulses appeared. In short thinking about my life post-high school was giving me anxiety like a lot of teenagers, and I was also rejecting my body more and more. Teenage me thought the solution was to get into bodybuilding to appear manly. Of course, it didn't fulfill me in any way.

 

Afterwards, I went to college, studied Biology and Psychology alternatively, and went through a lot of stuff. My parents had already been indebted for years, and my father, instead of being honest and asking for help like a rational human being, decided to lash out at my family, stole money from me, and to not go on too many details, made our life miserable. I had the opportunity to do one year abroad in Montréal to get a Bachelor, and to secretly start my male to female transition there if possible, but because of the lack of money and all of the family issues on top of it, I had to quit and I suffered a major nervous breakdown.

 

This was in Summer 2017. I spent almost a year at my parents' home, lost all hope for my future, cut off contact with everyone, avoided social media. I was in a catatonic state for months. I would barely do anything of my days and nights, except think about suicide, and read specific trans subreddits just to torture myself, like I was thinking « I'll never be able to transition. I'm stuck in this body and should just give up, hoping that I get reincarnated as a woman next. » for example.

 

Last summer, I got into a clinic in Germany and was able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. That sounds cliché I know, but for the first time, I was able to talk about my struggles with sexuality and gender with a therapist, and I've met a few patients that supported me when I told them. It was so liberating.

 

Afterwards, back at my parents' home, life went back to hell. I got a job and the plan was to save up money to finally get out of this toxic place, and to take control of my life back. It was a rough couple months as my father kept ruining everything, and botched our family's plans of moving out to get out of debt for good. Basically, my mom and I got thrown out of the house and we had to live separately.

 

Thankfully, an aunt has been hosting me since the start of the year, until I get a place that fits my budget. Which get to the next point and some of my fears.

 

I'm finally safe, close to having an independent life free of problems that don't belong to me, and I've been through so much that I just freeze when it comes to making decisions. I've always being pressured to do this and that to please others instead of prioritizing my well-being. I plan to get my own place or to join a flat share next month, yet I want to express myself like I want, which means not hiding my feminine side anymore. I worry too much about others' judgements and I have trust issues due to social phobia. I still need to get through these flaws. 

 

My surroundings kept telling me to go back to college as soon as this fall, but I'm far from ready. I would love to get a taste of a stable life for one year, which would give me a little more time to save up money,  meet queer people, experience and explore as much as I can sexually, as well as other projects. I'm also aware that transitioning requires money (once again), patience and that it's a life-changing and risky plan that has to be thought long-term to be done right.

 

On the other hand, if I don't feel good in my body, my mental health takes a toll, and I don't want to get stuck in the same mental patterns that prevent me from moving on with my life. 

 

That was quite long, my apologies! I wasn't sure how to properly introduce myself without getting in depth about my journey. I don't have anyone to talk about trans issues, and I feel constantly lost, isolated, and depressed, so those are the reasons I signed up. I'm looking forward to meet and discuss with all of you! 

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Cyndee
Just now, Petit nain des Îles said:

I'm also aware that transitioning requires money (once again), patience and that it's a life-changing and risky plan that has to be thought long-term to be done right.

 

Welcome Alex, and thanks for your intro here at Trans pulse forum :) you have this correct above and wanted to highlight your words. The journey is a long one, full of twists and turns, and don't forget to smell the roses along the way. Transition won't solve your life's problems, you will still face the same issues post transition, but with gender discomfort aside and self realization, you can move forward in life as a more complete person. We are here to support each other on the forums. Have a look around.

 

I hope you enjoy your time with us and do post away as the mood strikes....

 

Hugs

 

Cyndee -

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Jani

Greetings Alex!  Don't be nervous.  We're a friendly group here.  It does seem you've thought this out.  Being in school to get a good basis for your future is wise.   

 

You can write as much as you wish and that was a good intro. 

 

Jani

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Timber Wolf

Hi Alex,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you've found us!

 

I remember how lonely I felt before finding these forums. I had been thinking of finding my way to the top of the tallest building in the city I live in and jumping. Then I found these forums, and they were a miracle! I was no longer alone, and you are no longer alone now! We are a bunch of friends who understand and care.

 

Lots of love and a big welcome  hug,

Timber  Wolf 🐺🐾

 

 

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DeeDee
7 hours ago, Petit nain des Îles said:

Hi! I'm really nervous because I'm posting on a trans forum for the first time and have a lot to say.

Hi Alex, pleased to meet you! Don't be nervous, as long as you've read the rules about content this is a great place to say all those things that you need to let out... :) 

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Carolyn Marie

Welcome to the Pulse, Alex.  I enjoyed reading your introduction, which was very well written.  Getting the journey started can be the toughest part, because its usually filled with fears and obstacles.  I hope that part is behind you know and your success and progress will come smoother and quicker.  Enjoy the forums and post any questions that come to mind.  We'll be happy to help.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

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Susan R
15 hours ago, Petit nain des Îles said:

On the other hand, if I don't feel good in my body, my mental health takes a toll, and I don't want to get stuck in the same mental patterns that prevent me from moving on with my life. 

Hello Alex, it's a pleasure to meet you.  I'm glad you've joined us here.  I very much enjoyed reading your introduction this evening.  Its good that you're getting some stability in your life.  Imho, you have your priorities in order whether that ends up being continuing your education or getting a good job.  Building a good foundation is always a big help.  

 

We are all in your corner and will help any way we can.  Thank you for sharing and opening up as you did.  I wish you the very best on your continued journey.

 

Susan R🌷

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Kris-Boston

Welcome Alex ,  Find something that you like doing , going for walks , painting , working with clay , there is no one cure for life and the issues we all have .  Cloths do cost money , something times try a thrift or consignment  store . You may even find your passion making your own .  Been out of college many years but you are not a failure they are .  When I was going to Bridgewater State College , then taking a class in advanced sociology , there was a young women in the class who needed crutches to walk . She dared to parking in a handclapped parking space , and she had the authorization to do so as she had the correct license plate . But the foolish campus police said that was only for visitors and wrote her a ticket . I helped her and they stopped the madness , in effect give her another ticket and then have the college write a big check for violation of civil rights  .  Your going to come across people who are cold and distant , just find people who are pleasant , happy and accepting they do exist . Coming here is looking at the world with the glass is half full vs half empty .  

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Beverly

Hi Alex,

This is a safe place to dialogue with nice people who share similar challenges. Everything you're experiencing is normal for a trans person. As difficult as it may be for you now, you're on your way to finding true happiness. Enjoy your journey and know that you are not weird and you are not alone. 

Best wishes!

Beverly

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Petit nain des Îles

Thanks for the words everyone. It means a lot, and I feel welcomed! 

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