Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Hi from France!


Petit nain des Îles

Recommended Posts

Hi! I'm really nervous because I'm posting on a trans forum for the first time and have a lot to say.

 

I'm Alex, 23, currently working as a temp, and plan to go back to college to finish my studies.

 

I'm born male but started feeling discomfort in my body relatively early. In middle school, one of my classmates, and also closest friends at the time, was bullied for being « too girly ». I'm pointing this out as it has to do with what's next. I was bullied for other reasons, mostly for being skinny, shy and progressively becoming mute. The (wrong?) lesson I learned from it, in order to protect myself and prevent further harassment, was to just forget about my identity and my needs, and instead mimic everyone else. Just fit in with the crowd.

 

However, a few weeks before I turning 13, I started fantasizing about being a woman. When I was going to bed, I would dream up scenarios, and act like the pajamas I put on were instead « feminine » clothes such as dresses, tank tops, v-neck shirts, etc. These fantasies would be triggered by a sudden impulse that I can't explain. These situations would last 30 minutes to 1 hour, during which I was feeling myself for once, then I would finally try to sleep. Unfortunately, I would feel so much shame and guilt and ask myself « Why am I doing this? My classmates are right, I'm a weirdo and a failure. » or « What will my mom say if she sees my clothes all stretched out? » over and over again. These impulses would occur once or twice every few weeks, but I didn't think much of it outside of the fear of being busted by my parents.

 

In high school, I had my first relationship with a woman. It didn't last as I realized that I was suffering from social phobia, which put a meaning to many daily avoidance behaviors as well as explaining in part why I had such a hard time connecting with people and sustaining friendships. In the following junior year, a few things made something click in my mind, one of them being punk musician Laura Jane Grace coming out as a trans woman. I followed her story and took it by heart so hard, particularly considering the backlash happening in the punk scene. I didn't realize yet, but it made me do my first dive into sexual and gender issues, social justice, and politics in a broader way, and it was the very beginning of my journey. 

 

With this new awareness also came a vicious cycle that I kept getting trapped in. My first suicidal thoughts and self-harming impulses appeared. In short thinking about my life post-high school was giving me anxiety like a lot of teenagers, and I was also rejecting my body more and more. Teenage me thought the solution was to get into bodybuilding to appear manly. Of course, it didn't fulfill me in any way.

 

Afterwards, I went to college, studied Biology and Psychology alternatively, and went through a lot of stuff. My parents had already been indebted for years, and my father, instead of being honest and asking for help like a rational human being, decided to lash out at my family, stole money from me, and to not go on too many details, made our life miserable. I had the opportunity to do one year abroad in Montréal to get a Bachelor, and to secretly start my male to female transition there if possible, but because of the lack of money and all of the family issues on top of it, I had to quit and I suffered a major nervous breakdown.

 

This was in Summer 2017. I spent almost a year at my parents' home, lost all hope for my future, cut off contact with everyone, avoided social media. I was in a catatonic state for months. I would barely do anything of my days and nights, except think about suicide, and read specific trans subreddits just to torture myself, like I was thinking « I'll never be able to transition. I'm stuck in this body and should just give up, hoping that I get reincarnated as a woman next. » for example.

 

Last summer, I got into a clinic in Germany and was able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. That sounds cliché I know, but for the first time, I was able to talk about my struggles with sexuality and gender with a therapist, and I've met a few patients that supported me when I told them. It was so liberating.

 

Afterwards, back at my parents' home, life went back to hell. I got a job and the plan was to save up money to finally get out of this toxic place, and to take control of my life back. It was a rough couple months as my father kept ruining everything, and botched our family's plans of moving out to get out of debt for good. Basically, my mom and I got thrown out of the house and we had to live separately.

 

Thankfully, an aunt has been hosting me since the start of the year, until I get a place that fits my budget. Which get to the next point and some of my fears.

 

I'm finally safe, close to having an independent life free of problems that don't belong to me, and I've been through so much that I just freeze when it comes to making decisions. I've always being pressured to do this and that to please others instead of prioritizing my well-being. I plan to get my own place or to join a flat share next month, yet I want to express myself like I want, which means not hiding my feminine side anymore. I worry too much about others' judgements and I have trust issues due to social phobia. I still need to get through these flaws. 

 

My surroundings kept telling me to go back to college as soon as this fall, but I'm far from ready. I would love to get a taste of a stable life for one year, which would give me a little more time to save up money,  meet queer people, experience and explore as much as I can sexually, as well as other projects. I'm also aware that transitioning requires money (once again), patience and that it's a life-changing and risky plan that has to be thought long-term to be done right.

 

On the other hand, if I don't feel good in my body, my mental health takes a toll, and I don't want to get stuck in the same mental patterns that prevent me from moving on with my life. 

 

That was quite long, my apologies! I wasn't sure how to properly introduce myself without getting in depth about my journey. I don't have anyone to talk about trans issues, and I feel constantly lost, isolated, and depressed, so those are the reasons I signed up. I'm looking forward to meet and discuss with all of you! 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
Just now, Petit nain des Îles said:

I'm also aware that transitioning requires money (once again), patience and that it's a life-changing and risky plan that has to be thought long-term to be done right.

 

Welcome Alex, and thanks for your intro here at Trans pulse forum :) you have this correct above and wanted to highlight your words. The journey is a long one, full of twists and turns, and don't forget to smell the roses along the way. Transition won't solve your life's problems, you will still face the same issues post transition, but with gender discomfort aside and self realization, you can move forward in life as a more complete person. We are here to support each other on the forums. Have a look around.

 

I hope you enjoy your time with us and do post away as the mood strikes....

 

Hugs

 

Cyndee -

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Greetings Alex!  Don't be nervous.  We're a friendly group here.  It does seem you've thought this out.  Being in school to get a good basis for your future is wise.   

 

You can write as much as you wish and that was a good intro. 

 

Jani

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hi Alex,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you've found us!

 

I remember how lonely I felt before finding these forums. I had been thinking of finding my way to the top of the tallest building in the city I live in and jumping. Then I found these forums, and they were a miracle! I was no longer alone, and you are no longer alone now! We are a bunch of friends who understand and care.

 

Lots of love and a big welcome  hug,

Timber  Wolf ??

 

 

Link to comment
7 hours ago, Petit nain des Îles said:

Hi! I'm really nervous because I'm posting on a trans forum for the first time and have a lot to say.

Hi Alex, pleased to meet you! Don't be nervous, as long as you've read the rules about content this is a great place to say all those things that you need to let out... :) 

Link to comment
  • Admin

Welcome to the Pulse, Alex.  I enjoyed reading your introduction, which was very well written.  Getting the journey started can be the toughest part, because its usually filled with fears and obstacles.  I hope that part is behind you know and your success and progress will come smoother and quicker.  Enjoy the forums and post any questions that come to mind.  We'll be happy to help.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
15 hours ago, Petit nain des Îles said:

On the other hand, if I don't feel good in my body, my mental health takes a toll, and I don't want to get stuck in the same mental patterns that prevent me from moving on with my life. 

Hello Alex, it's a pleasure to meet you.  I'm glad you've joined us here.  I very much enjoyed reading your introduction this evening.  Its good that you're getting some stability in your life.  Imho, you have your priorities in order whether that ends up being continuing your education or getting a good job.  Building a good foundation is always a big help.  

 

We are all in your corner and will help any way we can.  Thank you for sharing and opening up as you did.  I wish you the very best on your continued journey.

 

Susan R?

Link to comment

Welcome Alex ,  Find something that you like doing , going for walks , painting , working with clay , there is no one cure for life and the issues we all have .  Cloths do cost money , something times try a thrift or consignment  store . You may even find your passion making your own .  Been out of college many years but you are not a failure they are .  When I was going to Bridgewater State College , then taking a class in advanced sociology , there was a young women in the class who needed crutches to walk . She dared to parking in a handclapped parking space , and she had the authorization to do so as she had the correct license plate . But the foolish campus police said that was only for visitors and wrote her a ticket . I helped her and they stopped the madness , in effect give her another ticket and then have the college write a big check for violation of civil rights  .  Your going to come across people who are cold and distant , just find people who are pleasant , happy and accepting they do exist . Coming here is looking at the world with the glass is half full vs half empty .  

Link to comment

Hi Alex,

This is a safe place to dialogue with nice people who share similar challenges. Everything you're experiencing is normal for a trans person. As difficult as it may be for you now, you're on your way to finding true happiness. Enjoy your journey and know that you are not weird and you are not alone. 

Best wishes!

Beverly

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   2 Members, 0 Anonymous, 129 Guests (See full list)

    • RaineOnYourParade
    • MaybeRob
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.7k
    • Total Posts
      768.5k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,029
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Selkimur
    Newest Member
    Selkimur
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. BraxtonLee
      BraxtonLee
      (26 years old)
    2. Bryanna
      Bryanna
      (45 years old)
    3. Jayde1
      Jayde1
    4. Mireya
      Mireya
      (66 years old)
    5. Shellianne_Kay83
      Shellianne_Kay83
      (41 years old)
  • Posts

    • April Marie
      I read each of your entries and learn so much. Thank you, especially, for the TransCentralPA info. I have been looking fora group and activities where I could express myself safely and with support. I missed this year's conference but next year might be possible and I am going to look at their other events, too.
    • April Marie
      Leadership and Management, the differences and similarities between the two as well as the applications of military leadership principles across the spectrum of professions.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      I have read numerous accounts of trans folk no longer being welcome among evangelicals.   I am here for help and fellowship not to rebuke anyone.  I can take a pretty high degree of insult, etc., and you haven't insulted me, to my recollection anyway :) and I usually let it go.  But I thought I would let it all out there.   I am sure I disagree with you on numerous issues.  I appreciate other people's viewpoints, including those who radically disagree with me.  Intellectual challenge is good. One thing I appreciate about @MaeBe.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Congrats!
    • Sally Stone
      Post 8 “The Ohio Years” We moved to Pittsburgh because of the job with US Airways.  The job involved classroom instruction and simulator training, but no actual flying, so I kept looking for an actual pilot position.  A year after signing on with US Airways I got hired to fly business jets.  The company was located in Cleveland, Ohio, but I was flown commercially from my home in Pittsburgh to where my aircraft was located, making it unnecessary to live near company headquarters.    My flight scheduled consisted of eight days on duty with seven days off.  Having seven days off in a row was great but being gone from home eight days in a row was difficult.  For the first few years the flying was fun, but after a while the eight flying days in a row, were taking their toll on me.  Those days were brutal, consisting of very long hours and a lot of flying time.  Usually, I came home exhausted and need three days just to recover from the work week.  Flying for a living is glamorous until you actually do it.  Quickly, it became just a job.    After five years as a line captain, I became a flight department manager, which required we live near company headquarters.  That meant a move to Cleveland.  Working in the office meant I was home every night but as a manager, the schedule was still challenging.  I would work in the office all week and then be expected to go out and fly the line on weekends.  I referred to it as my “5 on 2 on” schedule, because it felt as though I had no time off at all.   About the same time, we moved to Cleveland, my wife and I became “empty nesters,” with one son in the military and the other away at college.  Sadly, my work schedule didn’t leave much time for Sally.  Add to the fact that while Cleveland is an awesome city, I just never felt comfortable expressing my feminine side.  Most of my outings, and believe me there weren’t enough, occurred while I was on vacation and away from home.   One of the most memorable outings occurred over a long weekend.  I had stumbled across an online notice for a spring formal being held in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, hosted by a local trans group there.  I reached out to Willa to see if she was up for an excellent adventure.  She was, so I picked her up and we drove to Harrisburg together.    The formal was held on Saturday evening and we had the absolute best time.  It turned out that organizers were a group named TransCentralPA.  Everyone was wonderful and I made a lot of new friends that evening.  We learned the spring formal was one of the group’s annual events but for the following year, instead of a spring formal, the group wanted to do a local transgender conference.  That local conference would become the Keystone Conference, and I would attend every year for the next 12.  My move to the west coast was the only reason I stopped attending annually.  I went to the first annual Keystone Conference as an attendee, but in subsequent years I served as a volunteer and as a workshop presenter; more about those in the next installment.   For my Cleveland years, the Keystone Conference would be my major outlet for feminine self-expression.  Yes, I did get out on other occasions, but they were too infrequent.  The managerial job just didn’t allow me the freedom I needed to adequately live my feminine life, and my frustration level was slowly, but steadily on the rise.  It amazed me how adversely not being able to express the feminine half of my personality was affecting my happiness.   However, a major life change was upcoming, and while it would prove to be a significant challenge in many ways, the events would ultimately benefit my female persona.  First, my mom and dad got sick.  They were in and out of the hospital and required personal care.  My wife and I did our best but living in Cleveland, we were too far from them to give them the support they both needed.  Second, I was experiencing serious job burn out.  I decided I need to find another job and I needed to be closer to my parents.    Things changed for the better when I got hired by an aviation training company as a flight simulator instructor.  I would be training business jet pilots.  The training facility was located in New Jersey, which put us much closer to my parents, and the work schedule was much better for quality of life.  Most importantly, this life change would help Sally re-emerge and once again flower.    Hugs,   Sally       
    • Mmindy
      I made a living talking about bulk liquids in cargo tanks transportation as a driver and mechanic. Safe loading/unloading, cleaning and inspecting, as well as emergency response scenarios.   Hazmat and fire behavior in the fire service as well as emergency vehicle operations and safe driving. "It was on fire when they called you. It will be on fire when you get there." Arrive ready to work. I could also talk about firefighter behavioral  heath and the grieving process.   The real fun thing is I can do this for people who are not Truck Drivers or Fire Fighters. Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts, Citizen Tax payers about Public Safety Education.   I love public speaking,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • Mmindy
      Congratulations to the mom and family @Ivy on the addition of another child.   Hugs,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • MaeBe
      Congrats to you and yours!
    • Ashley0616
      YAY! Congratulations on a granddaughter!
    • Ashley0616
      I recommend CarComplaints.com | Car Problems, Car Complaints, & Repair/Recall Information. A lot of good information
    • LucyF
      I've got Spironolactone ___mg and Evorel ___mcg Patches (2 a week) going up to ___mg after 4 weeks 
    • Ivy
      Got a new Granddaughter this morning.  Mother and child (and father) are doing fine. This makes 7 granddaughters and one grandson.  I have 2 sons and 6 daughters myself.  And then I  switched teams.  I think this stuff runs in the family. Another hard day for the patriarchy.
    • Ivy
      Like @MaeBe pointed out, Trump won't do these things personally.  I doubt that he actually gives a rat's a$$ himself.  But he is the foot in the door for the others.   I don't really see this.  Personally, I am all in favor of "traditional" families.  I raised my own kids this way and it can work fine.  But I think we need to allow for other variations as well.   One thing working against this now is how hard it is for a single breadwinner to support a family.  Many people (I know some) would prefer "traditional" if they could actually afford it.  Like I mentioned, we raised our family with this model, but we were always right at the poverty level.   I was a "conservative evangelical" for most of my life, actually.  So I do understand this.  Admittedly, I no longer consider myself one. I have family members still in this camp.  Some tolerate me, one actually rejects me.  I assure you the rejection is on her side, not mine.  But, I understand she believes what she is doing is right - 'sa pity though. I mean no insult toward anyone on this forum.  You're free to disagree with me.  Many people do.   This is a pretty complex one.  Socialism takes many forms, many of which we accept without even realizing it.  "Classism" does exist, for what it's worth.  Always has, probably always will.  But I don't feel like that is a subject for this forum.   As for the election, it's shaping up to be another one of those "hold your nose" deals.
    • Ivy
      Just some exerts regarding subjects of interest to me.
    • Ivy
      Yeah.  In my early teens I trained myself out of a few things that I now wish I hadn't.
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...