Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Sign in to follow this  
megan rose

My Buddhist Introduction

Recommended Posts

megan rose

I’m putting my first post here in the Buddhism forum, where I feel most at home.    For I felt the torment of spirit even more strongly than my human torments and Buddhism became entwined in my life even more strongly than my gender.

I found Buddhism in high school, long after rejecting my culture’s expectations of Christianity.   It was a breath of fresh air, but, like many other things in a small town, a forbidden interest.   It became a part of my secret self nonetheless…

Perhaps 7 years later, after becoming an engineer moving to New York, I found a Zen community.   It was Rinzai Zen, which teaught fierce denial of self and pursuit of enlightenment.   The idea of non-self was something that stuck with me:  Whether I fit in my body, whether I fit in society, whether any of that made sense, really did not matter.   Nothing mattered, certainly not my inconsequential, problematic self.   The more I dropped into depression, the harder I practiced, hoping that great Enlightenment would free me from all suffering.

After several years of hard practice and near suicide, I was given a book, “Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind”.  Written by a Soto Zen master in San Francisco, it was seemingly opposite to the Rinzai approach, far less focused on Enlightenment as it was focused on being at peace with our surroundings.  

So, in the mid 70’s, I gave up my engineering job, piled my belongings in my van and moved to San Francisco.   I spent a year in and out of the monasteries of the SF Zen Center.   Outside of Zen Center, it dawned on me that all of my acquaintances were gay.   I was an introverted and immature, and the gay community was warm and welcoming.   I did think I’d found the missing parts to my personal puzzle.   But not.   A year later, I met my wife to be, and my practice of Zen along with my personal problems became secondary.   We lost ourselves in the hippy fog of the times.

Although I hadn’t formally practiced Zen for many years, I kept Suzuki’s book and Zen practice in mind, doing my best to adhere to it, but also living an easy path.   Perhaps too well “medicated” to be enlightened.   I can’t remember much from those times…

Around 15 years ago, I felt the stirrings again…  Perhaps approaching mortality has that effect.   I found a Tibetan Buddhist community.   Their teachings are different from Zen, but similar enough.   I was once again trying to find peace with my karma.   And, like peeling back an onion, I finally arrived at that barrier again:   I was in profound torture with the state of my body.   Whose was it?   Why was it?   I couldn’t make peace, even after 30 years.   I realized that I belonged in Zen, and found a Zen center in a Korean lineage.    

And ten years ago, I discovered Laura’s Playground.   It was a late discovery to me:  The nameless dread for the first time had a name.  And I transitioned over the next few years. I did take a break from Zen for a time.   Health issues resulting in a couple of surgeries were the primary reason.   Maybe not:   The dichotomy of the nonself of Zen, and the very selfish act of transition were unresolved.   It became my personal koan:  who is this who transitioned?   I continued my practice again, this time at a Soto lineage sangha.   But life takes its turns.   Today, I have no sangha or practice, though I remain close to many with whom I’ve practiced, and even my most recent Zen master.  

Nowadays, I’ve found myself working far more than I would like, taking care of my mate with her health issues, and not able to travel to the Zen Centers to practice.   I’ve relished the teachings of Thich Nhat Hanh, and the wisdom of Dogen, Suzuki Roshi, and many others.

It was Dogen Zenji, who said “My life is a continuous mistake.”   I am that.   It was Thich Nhat Hanh who taught, “For things to reveal themselves to us, we need to be ready to abandon our views about them."  I find that wisdom to go to the core of my own Koan.   I’ve not concerned myself with my self-opinion, and gone about my living.   My first real Zen Master, Suzuki Roshi – who said, “let your thoughts come in the front door, and pass out the back, but don’t serve them tea.”   So, here we are.  After all of those profound thoughts, one is left in the very moment not serving them tea.

I’ve spent many years looking for perfection, or for enlightenment, or simply freedom from torment.  And most of the time now, I realize that perfection exists always, within the very thread each moment.   I’ve transitioned, and it hasn’t changed much, really.   It gives me a sense of ease to interact with the world, no longer in male disguise.   And in the joy of living each moment…

Share this post

Link to post

Hi Megan Rose and thanks for your intro post dear. I find this statement from above beautiful and compelling " I realize that perfection exists always, within the very thread each moment".


Hugs and welcome


Cyndee -

Share this post

Link to post

Welcome back Megan.  It was lovely to read your post.  Thank you for sharing a path that i have walked at times.  I sat Zen in the late 60's but then became active in a marriage, family and slowly an addiction to alcohol.  With sobriety and with a view of my end i've reopened to experiencing life with peaceful acceptance.  I certainly often serve tea (or coffee)to my thoughts  but i feel i'm on the path again.  Perhaps the honesty i found in sobriety and transition is helping me make each step.  Fear, guilt and dishonesty clouded my eyes too long.  I enjoy this quote from Chao-chou:  " The Way is not difficult; only there must be no wanting or not wanting".   





Share this post

Link to post

Hello Megan and welcome back.  Thank you for sharing your times with us.  



Share this post

Link to post

Welcome back Megan ❤️



Share this post

Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   1 Member, 0 Anonymous, 72 Guests (See full list)

    • AnAnxiousMess
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
    • Total Posts
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
    • Most Online

    Newest Member
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. abstractemp
      (23 years old)
    2. Aeroswift99
    3. Willow
      (71 years old)
  • Posts

    • VickySGV
      I am not advertising Pantene Hair products, just showing some recent You Tube stuff sent to me by friends.   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xodxm2PyD2A&fbclid=IwAR1xUyzcIsSAba2GCETe20oSspxNTxbhcXaH6DytxYB_onlQhwtgwy535rw   This is a PEOPLE MAGAZINE article on the project.  https://people.com/style/pantene-glaad-the-trans-chorus-of-los-angeles-partner-on-video-series/?fbclid=IwAR2MsHInpT5OOKl_-b468RQdm-hsG0vOXMwEs9p9F_j9RAHR4pMIX5G5Bk4
    • citrusii395
      Hey, I'm a new FtM member, but I'm still questioning that. At the moment, I'm still figuring out my name, but you can just call me Victor or Vex. Either one works. Here's some stuff about me. Age: 14 Height: 5'2" (sadly) Gendre: AFAB (FtM; Questioning) Interests: Art, music, cooking, baking, sewing, gaming, game creation, Chinese (gay) dramas anything involving computers really Parents: Supportive but questions me about it   Thank you for reading this.
    • Jani
      This is a decent book.  I bought the paperback version some time ago.  They referenced a companion audio file that could be downloaded that demonstrated the exercises, etc.  Unfortunately I cannot find it.  
    • A. Dillon
      Thank you! I just want to let you know that I prefer to go by Dillon, but my parents said that I am not allowed to make that my first name. (and the name Dillon B had already been taken)   Yours Truly,  Dillon B.  
    • Belle
      Shawna and Laura,   I'm reading through a Kindle book called The Voice Book for Trans and Non-Binary People. It has good reviews and it has been helpful so far. It doesn't have an Audible version so you would have to read it rather than listen to it. But it has lessons you could learn while reading and then practice while you're driving.   I have also watched a number of YouTube videos that have been helpful. There are several sisters who I can't believe they aren't cis, so I steer away from any others.   If I find a good source for lessons that can be done while driving I will post here.   Love and Hugs 💋 Belle  
    • ShawnaLeigh
      Well I asked for “the gift of shopping “. Lol Gift cards are my best friend lately.   There are so many female things I want it’s crazy.    Some I am not ready to wear in public yet but nevertheless want them.  I don’t know all my sizes from brand to brand so I need to try things on.  I can’t exactly ask for anything outright yet.  I love to shop and look and buy.  Dream over some things.    
    • Belle
      Same to you Shawna! And I'm sorry I've been misspelling your name. I had read one of your earlier posts where you said you had tried to put Shawn as your name but it wouldn't let you, so I was trying to respect that. I wasn't paying enough attention to your signature in your replies!    Love,  Belle ❤️
    • ShawnaLeigh
      I had downloaded an iPhone app call VoiceUp and it seemed to be helping.  The analyzer gave me fairly good numbers well into the female range with very little male range recorded. Just after a short while too. Though to me I still sound male.   I realize the range of a cis women can vary fairly low in pitch to very high.  But still.  To me I still sound male.  I hate it.   At best I may sound like a gay male.  Which is a beginning I suppose.   I plan to seek out a voice trainer in my area if I can get it covered under insurance.  Fingers crossed.  
    • Belle
      Tally, I'm so happy that you're finally making it to the endocrinologist! I want to start HRT so much! A while ago I actually started on some herb cream that was causing changes very quickly. I was ecstatic but soon realized I had to slow down for safety but also because at some point in the not so distant future my wife would figure it out. That's when I came out to her and she insisted I stop. My dysphoria skyrocketed.   If you're comfortable with it please share as your body begins to align with your true self.   Belle  <3
    • ShawnaLeigh
      We may of been born and even lived a huge amount of time in our male shells but inside we are women.  Something we are trying slowly to bring out and bloom.   This is how I know you.  Read you.  I am glad to of met you here and hope to hear and read more from you.   lot of love Shawna.  
    • Leah
      This is the best time of the year to browse through the female side of Wally World, and buy frilly things with lots of straps. "My wife/gf/mistress told me she wants a new _____ for Christmas." If it doesn't fit, "surprize her" by exchanging yourself after Christmas for a better size. Realistically, they're too busy to care about anything except getting off ... er, work that is, not the other.
    • EliAvery
      Welcome, Andrew. 
    • Laura76
      Hi ShawnaLeigh,    Has there been any further response to your question? Did you get the EVA MTF for the iphone? I too am working on my voice, since I sound VERY male, and am still in transition.   Thank  you, Laura76
    • A. Dillon
      You have no idea how much I feel this. For years, I would literally tell myself that I should have been a boy, that I was just waiting for the testosterone to kick in, everything like that, but totally dismissed the idea that I was trans. It was (and still kinda is) confusing, but eventually I learned to just do what made me the happiest, which I now know is rocking a man's jeans, a man's haircut, and a man's name.
    • Belle
      I'm just so used to getting a reaction from females as if I'm a guy. I'm overly sensitive to the idea that something I have said was taken wrong. It has happened so many times with varying reactions.    🤗
  • Upcoming Events

  • Create New...