Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

hi


Nina B

Recommended Posts

Hi there I am a cross dressing bi male aged 33.

 

I say I am but I disposed of all my female clothing about 6 months ago as I got so confused about what it is I reall wanted.I have been cross dressing in some form since I was little but started to take it more seriously in the past 5-10 years fully dressing up and as much as possible transfroming myself into a woman in private.At first I thought that this was some sort of fetishistic thing that excited me,the thrill of it,doing someting taboo etc but the more I did it the more and more comfortable I felt being this way and I felt confusion and unhappiness over this.I have in the past recieved treatment for depression/anxiety and self harm when I was younger but it never works and I slide back into despair and self loathing again and again I have given up on doctors and therapy and just about manage to function (I know this is dumb to say but drugs and alcohol helps).When I dressed up and became a woman I immediatly felt confident and beautiful but over time felt I was just lying to myself so I one day on a complete outburst got rid of everything to do with it.Now 6 months on I keep getting the urges again and again and I don't know how to feel about them,I came here hoping for advice and some sort of outlet to talk about these things as this is a very private thing that no-one close to me has any knowledge of and therefore makes it hard to discuss.

 

I appreciate any advice you can offer me thanks

Link to comment
  • Admin

A good number of us here have tried the alcohol and drug route, and if anything, it really turned things pretty horrible since in the long run it gave us an added problem to the whole mess.

 

If I were to create a poll here as to who has "purged" their female wardrobe, the yes to "more than once" would be the most populated answer on it.  You are not alone there by any means.

 

On the same mythical poll. the "how often did you feel deep shame for what you were doing"  would be "years and years all of the time. "

 

In reality though, there is NOTHING to be ashamed of, and it was recognizing that I had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to be ashamed of with the help of a Gender counselor that helped me deal with both an addiction problem from which I have been recovering for 10.25 years, and that I was a Transgender person who has now been fully out and living my life for 9 of those years. 

 

Welcome to the Forums, and I hope others will chime in here and let you know that you are far from alone in your feelings and actions.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hello Nina and welcome.  When you read a number of posts here you will surely find that you are not alone in what you experience.  Drugs and alcohol are not the answer, and truthfully neither is purging your wardrobe.  IMO the best way to work through this is to deal with it openly and honestly.  As Vicky suggests a gender counselor is the ideal way to go.  I know signing up with the NHS GIC may take a while unless you can afford to go the private route for a time.  I hear that you're not ready to open up and share yet but this is the answer.  It is completely freeing to speak with another person in confidence about what is on our minds.  I know it was probably hard to write the post but you did and bravo.  This is one small step in the right direction.  You can do it.  I always doubted therapy but now I am a strong proponent.  

 

Don't be fearful of where this may lead.  It will go where ever it needs to go and where you are comfortable.  The only rule is you should be happy.   Please join in the conversation, we'd love to hear more from you.

 

Cheers, Jani 

Link to comment
  • Admin
Just now, Nina B said:

I'm just not sure where to start is all

 

You are past the  point of starting already by saying that!!  You are doing just fine.  Keep it up. 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Well taking a cue from Alice in Wonderland.

The White Rabbit put on his spectacles.  "Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?" he asked.

"Begin at the beginning," the King said gravely, "and go on till you come to the end: then stop."

 

You've already started!  The key is to not overthink this.  Take slow purposeful steps.  The first step which you seem to achieved is admitting you need to do something, then coming here to learn and meet others.   

Link to comment

I truly do miss the stuff I purged though.I kept a pair of gloves that got seperated from the other stuff,I tried to get rid of them but just couldn't do it.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I know the feeling.  There are things I bought over the years that I wished I had kept, but its all part of the journey.  Whatever it took to get where I am today was worth it.  I am happy!  You will be too. 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hi Nina,  nice to meet you.  I feel your pain as to the purging.  Our minds can really play games with us.  I regret every purge I committed during my life.  There was always regrets shortly thereafter.  The damage done from my last purge 22 years ago is only now being felt.  I am having to repurchase everything.  Yes, it's nice to get a fresh new wardrobe but many of my favorite jewelry items I donated back then would still be useable today.

 

Thank you for sharing today and I hope you enjoy the site and people here.  There is an abundance of information, viewpoints, friendships to be found.

 

Susan R?

 

 

Link to comment
4 hours ago, Nina B said:

I keep getting the urges again and again and I don't know how to feel about them,I came here hoping for advice

Hi Nina, pleased to meet you!  Well done on making your post. Vicky is right about her poll and Jani is right about your story!  :) 

I dressed almost always for gratification as soon as I became a teenager, and like Susan and yourself I threw everything out, but after a while I would buy something again - but when something happened that made me start thinking about it last year I realised there was more too it (and that it had started before my teen hormones kicked in).

I reached a point where I felt I had to do something and was equal parts terrified of what I would find out (whether it was a fetish, whether I was ill, whether I was trans) and ashamed (surely normal people don't do this sort of things or have these feelings?)

I found out that this is a safe place to read up, ask questions and even just vent my thoughts and feelings in the blog section without judgement.  Thanks to being sound advice I contacted an online counsellor and did sessions via Skype - just so I would not have gender questioning appear on my medical history - through the work we've done and the support I found here I have accepted that I do not fit the definition of being a cis-male (a term I learnt last year too) and only recently contacted my local NHS GIC outreach centre via a number I had been given last year but was too scared to call and am now waiting to see someone later this year.   This is your story - pick a question or a feeling you need to sort out and go for it! ?

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hi Nina,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Your story really isn't much different than many of ours here. You are not alone!

 

I stuffed Carla down inside me, hidden away from the world, especially  from myself. I turned to drugs, doing "the manly thing", etc... Finally Carla came out of the cage I had kept her in and wouldn't go back. 

 

I've found a lot of support here. We are all here for you, and we care.

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf ??

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   4 Members, 0 Anonymous, 126 Guests (See full list)

    • Karen Carey
    • VickySGV
    • Susie
    • Evelyn J
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.7k
    • Total Posts
      768.4k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,025
    • Most Online
      8,356

    JamesyGreen
    Newest Member
    JamesyGreen
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Anyatimenow
      Anyatimenow
      (23 years old)
    2. Aria00
      Aria00
    3. Ava B.
      Ava B.
      (24 years old)
    4. Claire Heshi
      Claire Heshi
    5. CrystalMatthews0426
      CrystalMatthews0426
      (41 years old)
  • Posts

    • Maddee
    • Birdie
      That does get you the 'starting point' for cup size, but manufacturers, style, breast shape, etc... will effect the results.    Step one is of course finding the proper band fit, then figuring out the approximate cup size with the calculations. Of course you need to try on a few styles after that in different cup sizes close to your measured result until you get the perfect fit.    I have bras in a DD that fit just like my bras in DDD both from Torrid but different styles.    I have some DDD's that fit awesome and some that are a bit loose, but I measure a 46G. It's not wonder that 80% of women are wearing them wrong bra. 
    • Carolyn Marie
      https://www.nbcmiami.com/news/local/man-arrested-accused-of-beating-to-death-transgender-woman-outside-miami-city-ballet/3293404/     May Andrea rest in peace.  If the person in custody is found guilty, hopefully he'll get the punishment he deserves.   Carolyn Marie
    • violet r
      I firmly believe I drank entirely to much for about 25 years. Got drunk every day. This was my coping mechanism to keep hiding deep inside that I was a woman. I miss a lot of signs over the years. Now I drink mabye 1 or 2 beers a day don't even get a buzz anymore. totally accept myself and on regret is that I hide that part of my self which  truly makes me happy being violet 💜. I wasted a lot of time before  being self destructive and had no clue I was just hiding th real me
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Service manager at goes through that here.One was a belt change in a 2019 Kenworth.It was written on the work order including a service done and I seen it.Customer was a complete a-hole.I did it and said he did not want that done.Shown him the original work order and finally said the service manager was right.My boss had to get rid of two customers,always complained about their bill being a little high.Price of parts went up due to inflation and had to explain this to them
    • Tiffany 838
      Well it not morning and I haven’t been on her for a while but it’s nice to be back.  Did some catching up on everyone.  I do have a question, how is Toronto Canada for a get away? Is it a safe and friendly area for us to go.  The wife and I are looking for some where to go to allow me to be my true self.     thanks in advance
    • KymmieL
      Hey, everyone. my life is going down the tubes. at least I think. So, today. A customer called about his car, I told him that the oil change was done. The parts to fix the check engine light are ordered. He can come and get it. For the weekend if he wants. Customer says I didn't want an oil change. it was check the engine light and check for an oil leak. Checking the work order says oil change. The boss wrote the vehicle up. checking with the customer on services wanted.   Being that I wrote down the appointment in the book. and clearly states oil leak. She is complaining because she can't read my small ish writing. It seems she read oil and assumed it as an oil change. It seems like she is blaming me.  She wound up going home because she was too upset. She is stressing about an eye problem she has, she has to get eye surgery it seems she has a tear in her eye.    I feel that I am short for this job. because of the BS they are blaming me on. Plus I am still upset about the trust issue. If either one of the bosses start their Shite tomorrow. I am walking out.    
    • Davie
    • Abigail Genevieve
      "I love you so much,"  Lois said.  They met in the driveway. "I could not live without you." "Neither could I." "What are we going to do?" "Find another counselor?" "No. I think we need to solve this ourselves." "Do you think we can?" "I don't know.  But what I know is that I don't want to go through that again.  I think we have to hope we can find a solution." "Otherwise, despair." "Yeah.   Truce?" "Okay,  truce." And they hugged.   "When we know what we want we can figure out how to get there."   That began six years of angry battles, with Odie insisted he could dress as he pleased and Lois insisting it did not please her at all.  He told her she was not going to control him and she replied that she still had rights as a wife to a husband. Neither was willing to give in, neither was willing to quit, and their heated arguments ended in hugs and more.   They went to a Crossdressers' Club, where they hoped to meet other couples with the same problems, the same conflicts, and the same answers, if anyone had any.  It took them four tries before they settled on a group that they were both willing to participate in.  This was four couples their own age, each with a cross dressing husband and a wife who was dealing with it.  They met monthly.  It was led by a 'mediator' who wanted people to express how they felt about the situation.  Odie and Lois, as newcomers, got the floor, and the meeting was finally dismissed at 1:30 in the morning - it was supposed to be over at 10 - and everyone knew how they felt about the situation.   There was silence in the car on the way home.   "We aren't the only ones dealing with this." Odie finally said.   "Who would have thought that?  You are right."   "Somebody out there has a solution." "I hope you are right."   "I hope in hope, not in despair."   "That's my Odie."    
    • Abigail Genevieve
      The counseling session was heated, if you could call it a counseling session.  Sometimes Lois felt he was on Odie's side, and sometimes on hers.  When he was on her side, Odie got defensive. She found herself being defensive when it seemed they were ganging up on each other.   "This is not working," Lois said angrily, and walked out.  "Never again. I want my husband back. Dr. Smith you are complicit in this."   "What?" said Odie.   The counselor looked at him.  "You will have to learn some listening skills."   "That is it? Listening skills?  You just destroyed my marriage, and you told me I need to learn listening skills?"   Dr. Smith said calmly,"I think you both need to cool off."   Odie looked at him and walked out, saying "And you call yourself a counselor."   "Wait a minute."   "No."
    • Ashley0616
      Just a comfortable gray sweater dress and some sneakers. Nothing special today. 
    • VickySGV
      I do still carry a Swiss Army knife along with my car keys.  
    • Timi
      Jeans and a white sweater. And cute white sneakers. Delivering balloons to a bunch of restaurants supporting our LGBT Community Center fundraiser today!
    • April Marie
      Congratulations to you!!!This is so wonderful!!
    • missyjo
      I've no desire to present androgynous..nothing wrong with it but I am a girl n wish to present as a girl. shrugs, if androgynous works fir others good. always happy someone finds a solution or happiness    today black jeans  black wedges..purple camisole under white n black polka dot blouse half open   soft smile to all 
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...