Questioning afab

[ForeverWandering]

Hello all,

 

As the title says I’ve been questioning my gender identity for a little more than a year now. It started when I was reading a story involving a character who identified as female, but not quite 100%. Before this, I had never questioned my identity, was pretty ignorant on transgender issues and never explored my identity whatsoever. 

 

For some reason, however, I resonated with this character’s identity. I have lived my life as female for 20 years and am now at a point where I’m exploring and questioning my gender identity.

 

I’ve put down aspects of my life I’ve looked back on and jotted them down below:

 

Early childhood (4-8):

 

• Fairly girly, loved barbies, glitter, mermaids, makeovers
• Also liked superheroes, action movies and toys my brother had
• Hated the idea of becoming a teenager/growing up (even cried on one of my birthdays and wanted to fly to Neverland so I could stay young forever lol)
• Almost all my imaginary friends were boys
• Had a male “inner voice” and a female “inner voice” (I was a weird kid ha ha)
• Had two imaginary horses; one boy and one girl
• Mimicked men’s voices and wondered what it’d be like to be a boy
• Never really felt out of the ordinary, just thought “I was born a girl, I must be a girl”

 

Later childhood (9-13):

 

• “Tomboy”
• Still played with dolls
• Compared myself to male characters and secretly hoped others would see the correlation
• Wrote stories that consisted of mostly male characters
• Aunt bought me a “mature” bra; I hated it, threw it into my closet and never wore it
• Became very introverted after puberty

 

Teens (14-17)

 

• Hated bras
• Slightly uncomfortable with my chest, never knew why
• Wore puffy hoodies to conceal myself
• Hated makeup
• Rarely looked at myself in the mirror
• Avoided looking at chest
• Would pretend I didn’t have a chest when drying off after showers
• Got into mild spiffs with my mom about the clothes she bought for me for being too girly
• Hated having my pictures posted online by my parents or taking any pictures at all

 

Early adulthood (18-20):

 

• Memories of my childhood & high school very hazy
• Feeling like I was on “autopilot”
• General feeling that I have not matured physically?
• Hard to imagine my future self
• Uneasy feeling when changing
• Diagnosed with depression

 

Now (21):

 

• Began questioning
• Cut my hair
• Dressed more androgynously
• Started binding
• Thought about the possibility of being gender fluid, but feel like male fits better?
• Played with makeup to make fake stubble
• Liked how I looked more when using gender-swapping apps
• Bought minoxidil to stimulate facial hair growth and got excited when it (barely lol) started  growing
• Sort of passed as a guy
• Still like feminine things and aesthetics, just not on me
• Seeing myself in the future as a guy more than a woman

 

Doubts about all this:

 

• Trying to convince myself daily that I’m a woman and that this is most likely a phase

• Trying to hide from myself due to low self esteem
• Hiding from my womanhood
• Making this the center of my attention in order to keep from being depressed (only feeling good because I’m setting goals for myself)
• Worried this stems from rumination and obsession (I’ve been struggling with very distressing intrusive thoughts for about 4 years, my counselor thinks it may be a form of ocd. I haven’t been diagnosed)
• Overthinking things and blowing things out of proportion

 

 

So that’s about it. I’m just very confused right now. I know I need to take this slow but I’m just looking for advice or experience some of you might have? I’ve just started seeing a counselor who has experience with gender related issues so I have that going for me. However, I would like to hear your thoughts?

 

Thank you for reading this, I really appreciate it.

 

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Forums, hon, and thank you for your post.  It is very detailed and informative.  Many of us had doubts and concerns at first, including me.  How those resolve in your case will be up to you, hopefully with the help of a gender therapist or a general therapist with some experience with trans folk.  Wherever your journey takes you,  I hope it leads to happiness.

 

Please be careful about binding.  it can be dangerous to your health if done wrong.  There is a lot of great information in the FtM forums and at other web sites.  There are many good products out there, and I hope you're using one of them.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[ForeverWandering]

Thank you very much, Carolyn I really appreciate it. I bought a binder from a link off another ftm site and have made sure not to wear it excessively. Thank you for your concern!