Hello everyone. Here's my non-op story.

[Fimdir]

I'm sorry my English isn't good enough, I'll explain once more if something's not clear.

 

Believe it or not, I'm male and I belong to a DID system. There are two of us now, me and my sister, who's the host. The body is cis female. None of us feels non-binary or going through gender changes.

I'm not sure if it's OK for me to join the community, but I'm in need for information about my appearance, my health and overall pass because I use my sister's body to live and communicate.

There are also mental health issues that I must take into account.

 

Long story short, my sis was a victim of extreme everyday physical and emotional abuse for more than 20 years, there was also some sort of sexual harassment involved. I realized myself about four years ago, it was the first time I was able to think, speak and walk by myself. I do have memories about my (our) childhood but it's hard to answer when I'm asked about my real age.

I had hard time first two years since then learning how to write and speak properly, focusing on a subject and keeping long sentences in mind was too difficult. I felt like a child or an old man who just came out of hospital. Today I'm finally able to think and act my actual age.

We both had to hide my existence and switching from our abusers for years before my sis was able to escape abroad at last. Having to hide had negative impact on me, because I had to mimic her voice and face expressions which was harder and harder as time went on. It put some dysphoria on me, a kind of more personality based rather than gender dysphoria. But most problems were purely practical, sorting out tasks and events after memory gaps (sis), surviving in violent conditions, serving as a slave and not being detected (me) were main objectives.

My sister was forced to wear ugly clothes, the abusers made her deny her gender and humanity by calling herself 'ugly worm', 'instrument', 'dead weight', 'empty skull', 'nothing but a piece of **** in public. It's just an addition to beating the hell out of her on regular basis. She may be still suffering from PTSD, it's been less than a year now since she ran away. She's now living with her fiancé, he was my best friend even before we moved in. They've been in a long-distance relationship for eight years.

 

There was a sudden outburst of new identities two years ago, which made my sister suffer great pain, panic and memory losses. It hit me hard too, I had speech and concentration problems for several months until that period ended. Those identities were numerous, all malevolent in different ways, insane and pathological. They wanted to provoke self-harm, some of them attempted to kill themselves or ruin the body in some way. My sister's future husband was the one to handle this chaos alone, he even managed to engage me in the process of getting rid of those mad identities. I couldn't have direct contact with those creatures, just the same way I can't contact my sister directly. They all seemed to be female, but it was hard to tell since they've been obsessed with suffering only. Anyway, it didn't last long and it's all in the past now. Once my sister found her place in a new family, our system obviously stabilized, we live in peace like regular siblings with no pathological interference.

 

I'm willing to attend psychiatrist, but I cannot do it right now because of immigration affairs. Our insurance now covers only basic treatment and emergency healthcare. I won't be able to undergo psychiatric examination by my own desire for two years onward due to my immigration status. For now our only therapy is friendly support and social interaction.

Thanks for understanding. I'm open to questions. Everyone have a nice day.

[MaryEllen]

Hello Fimdir,

Welcome to TransPulse.  Thank you so much for sharing with us. I hope you and your sister can find the total peace that you deserve.   

(I've made the edit that you requested)

 

MaryEllen

[Charlize]

Welcome Fimdir.  Hopefully you will remain in a stabilized world and will live in peace with your sister and identity.  2 years may seem forever but time goes quickly. 

Glad you have joined us.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Jani]

Greetings Fimdir.  Your English is fine.  Thank you for sharing your story and I also hope you can remain in a stable environment that you deserve.  The time will pass soon enough and you will be able to access additional care you desire.  Take care of yourself, and your sister as best you can.  Please join in the conversation and ask whatever questions you may have.  We'll do our best. 

 

Jani 

[Fimdir]

MaryEllen, Charlize, Jani, I'm very grateful for your support. Any single kind word makes me happier.

I often feel that I'm an outsider in local LGBTQ+ communities, because people may see me as a transgender person who's not decisive enough to undergo transition. The truth is that I'm not one, because I'm male and I dare to define myself as a cisgender man. I don't need any changes to the body I use to live.

 

Thanks for the edit too!