Uncle needs advise

[Mouldy]

Me (male)

Nephew (ftm)

 

i just spent that last 30mins trying to explain my actions in this massive essay of a post, explaining who i am and why my nephew is everything to me, but as i read it, i realized i was somehow looking trying to excuse what i have done, i dont want that at all, im in this position because i messed up, my nephew really is everything to me, and i need advise, thats going to help him, not me..

my nephew is 20, he is estranged from both his parents, i took him in when he was 14, home schooled up to year 10, he has been fighting depression and agoraphobia for years, im the only family member he trusts, at 18 he had his name changed to Elliott, i have tried to support him, but though he trusts me more then others, i know there is no one he fully trusts, which hurts. 

but i know its not his fault,

he wont buy things at shops because he wont talk to people in public, so for years ive done that for him, meeting new doctors is difficult, he fears that people mis pronoun him, that i understand. so i have a latter from his physiologist asking them to change his gender in there records to male and use correct pronouns, this cuts through allot of red tape because most government agencies require a physiologist letter (Australia) but every now and then we come up against someone who just doesn't care, im sure you understand, so im there correcting them, "he him his" this still made Elliott uncomfortable but they do start to get it. 
we have over the past 2 years gone through the steps of getting him onto hormone treatments which starts in august.

still a wait to go, but all the things leading up to it are all done, and the date is set.

2 months ago one of his doctors wanted to change his medication, they wanted him to taper off until he was off it before trying a new one, he did this, but since then he hasnt been able to leave the house, the medication was obviously dong something, he agrees he should go back on it.

now my problem and my mistake is as follows
i set appointments to the doctor but his anxiety is too strong and he cant leave the house, i call and cancel, and re schedule, i have rescheduled 3 times now, and still havent been able to get him to the doctor, and he is getting worse, sleeping during the day and staying up all light, allone with his thoughts and today he missed his physiologist appointment..

and today was when i messed up, i told him im scared that if he wont get help and on his meds soon il take him into the hospital and commit him. now as soon as i spoke the words  i wanted to take it back, i couldnt ever do that to him, but it was too late, he said ive lost any trust he has for me and he can never trust me agan, he asked me to find a place for him to move out, i can tell he is serious. i know he isnt ready to live alone. i dont know what to say to him, i feel like anything i say is just going to make it worse.

should i get him a place, i could probably help pay rent, or should i do what i can to make it better and guide him to change his mind, see i dont have any help and i dont know if im the problem.

 am i doing too much, too little or just shielding him from what he needs to experience 

[EliAtkins]

I can definitely see how much you care about your nephew from what you've written.  I don't like telling other people what to do, but this is not an easy situation.  I don't know much about you or your nephew, but from the sounds of it, he's pretty set on moving out and if you try and force him into changing his mind, that will only push him away further.

 

It might be a good idea to have a conversation with him about moving out: what it would entail for both of you and what you're willing to help him with or not (i.e. would he be responsible for contributing to rent or making his own doctor appointments, etc.). 

 

I'm not saying you should use this as a conversation to try and change his mind, but it might help give you a better idea of what he's looking for.

[MaryEllen]

Hello Mouldy,

Welcome to TransPulse.  Please bear in mind that we are not medical professionals here. Having said that, it does appear that your nephew has severe mental issues. Going by what you have said, he definitely should not be living on his own. As hardhearted as it may sound, you may have to have him involuntarily committed to a mental hospital. I assume that you are his legal guardian. If so, it will be up to you to do this since he won't go in voluntarily. It also sounds that he is guilt tripping you by saying he doesn't trust you anymore. I'm afraid you're going to have to do the tough love thing and do what is right for him. If it's possible, can you sit him down and explain to him what has to be done?  It's quite obvious that he cannot continue as he has been. He will never get better if things continue as they have been. Hopefully, he will come to realize this in time. 

Please keep us informed as to what is happening. Hopefully, we will be able to offer more and better advice as things progress.  

 

MaryEllen

 

[VickySGV]

As @MaryEllen said, we are not medical professional here, but I have an adult child who though not trans, has many of the characteristics of your nephew.  My adult child will never be able to live on their own (they will be 40 this year) and has ups and downs that can seem baffling but it is part of a condition they have. For BOTH of your sake's do look into mental health counseling for your nephew and if necessary have him treated in an inpatient facility where medication, counseling and training will be given to him.  You describe a syndrome that I will not name since I am not a licensed professional that does have a high incidence of FtM Transgender people with it.  It hurt at first when my adult child was placed into that care environment but now I know they are safe and in the care of people who understand what is going on with them.  My adult child has come to trust their caregivers and is learning gradually the nature of their own condition and how to control their lives to the highest level they will be capable of. 

[EliAtkins]

I definitely agree with MaryEllen and Vicky with doing whatever is necessary to keep your nephew safe and alive (I don't know if he's suicidal at all and I'm not trying to suggest he is).

 

I don't know if you've looked into an online therapist or know if it would be a good fit for your nephew, but it's definitely another option to look into if you haven't already.

[Mouldy]

thank you for your replies,

Elliott in the eyes of the government is independent, i was his guardian before he turned 18 (Australian adult age)  i have no possibility to force him to the mental ward, he would need to sign him self in, i didnt know this yesterday.

Elliott had both his parents fighting over him to live with them, without accepting his gender but to receive the government funding as a carer ($480 per week) , so because of this i have refused these funds. so he knows i want him to stay with me, and not for the money.. 

so not a guardian and not a carer so i cant just send him to the mental ward..

its Elliott's sister's 16th birthday today i have convinced him to visit for the day, they are planning to go to the movies, im hoping this will help, il take him on my motorbike and leave him for the day in town with his sister and a friend, il be in contact if he needs me, but wont be in the area. it may make him feel more independent and encourage him to want go go back to his doctors.
i have set a new appointment for his doctor on Monday.

he may take a while to trust me again but il be patient and give him the space he needs.