Not even sure where to start!

[michelle_kitten]

I am not even sure where to start introducing myself.  I am a mess right now.

 

I am a divorced, empty-nester.  I've been pretty content being single and pursuing a new career for the past couple of years.  I am, for the first time in my life, free from other's expectations and obligations.  I don't have anyone to provide for, nor anything to prove.  I've been feeling very free and enjoying it a whole lot.

 

A couple of weeks ago, the girl side of me started pulling at my heart.  I had suppressed her to the point where she had been all but forgotten for the last three or four years.  She's been there all my life.  Forced by violently traditional parents and two marriages to be the provider, and "man" of the house, I hid her very well.  She's always been there, though.  As long as I can remember she's been there.  For awhile I tried to get rid of her.  I felt life would be easier.  She hasn't gone away, or just shriveled away like I hoped she would.  She's come back time and time again over the years.  This time is different.

 

In the past, I could let her come out and indulge her for awhile, send her away to her hiding spot, and all was well.  I could get on with life, even though I've never really felt like I was much of a man, or fit in with most men.  Of course, every time I've let her come out, there's been a bit of sadness, and something of wanting to be everything I am not in a physical sense, to go along with how I feel in my heart.

 

This time she's begging and pleading to be let out of her hiding place for good.  My heart aches.  I watch videos online, young girls dancing or doing gymnastics, and regret missing out on that.  I see a beautiful woman in my office building and wish I could look like that.  I haven't been able to cry in years, but lately (and maybe due to my heart ache), Disney songs have been making me watery-eyed.  Maybe I am being silly.  Whatever.  I just can't get past this really strong desire to be the other part of me that's taken the backseat for so many years.

 

Another part of me can't believe I am feeling this way.  It feels strange.  It is like I am in shock or something.  Part of me thinks it might be a phase, and another part of me is afraid it is.  Part of me thinks I am too old to be doing this.  Another part of me is glad I don't have to suppress her anymore.  It feels like I am going crazy.

 

So, yeah, that's me right now.

 

I am looking for a few friends who are willing to put up with my mess while I work it out.  I am looking for a place where I can let the girl in me get to know and talk with others, because I am not ready to do it irl.  I think those things are what I need to help me right now. ❤️

 

What I offer in return is a listening ear, a few long distance hugs, and someone who will care.

 

Thanks for reading this.☺️

 

Michelle

[VickySGV]

Welcome to the Forums.  What you are telling here is a virtual checklist of items that all of us have had to present over the years.  You are not a mess no matter how much you may feel like one.  I too found myself at a spot with a clear open road in front of me, and it scared the liver out of me. One of the things you should be doing IRL is  looking for a therapist who has experience with people with Gender Dysphoria and get some regular appointments going to map out your own course toward finding out where you fit into the Gender Spectrum.  That is the hard part to be sure, but in the meantime look around here, talk to people here in the Forums and get ready for a real adventure.

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Michelle.  Yes, except for a detail or 2 or 3 we have similar stories.  I denied Carolyn her existence until I was single and on my own, and then cross dressed until I got married.  I put Carolyn out of my mind for 20 years until she came knocking at the age of 55.  But I was still married and had a teenage son.  Long story short, I'm fully transitioned for 8 years and still have my family.

 

Anyway, this isn't my story, its yours.  I meant all that to point out that you aren't alone, and transition, if that's is what you want, is always possible and doable.  But Vicky is right; it all starts with a gender therapist, and coming here and asking questions and learning the ropes.  That's what we do, we answer questions and give you the benefit of our collective experience.  So ask away, we'll be here for you.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Robin]

Hi Michelle,

 

As my friends have said, your story is in no way unusual.  If you read through this forum, you will find numerous introductions that vary only in the finer details.

 

One of the most important things that I have learned is to just take things slowly, and allow your mind to sort through all of the different feelings at it's own pace.  Don't feel pressured to do anything just because someone else did it, or says that you should do it. 

 

The journey is exciting and liberating, but it can also be scary and confusing at times.  There are plenty of people on here to provide support and advice, so please join in whenever you wish.

 

Robin.

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Michelle,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Yup, that sounds like me a few years ago. You"re definately not alone.

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf ??

[ToniTone]

Hi Michelle and welcome! I feel ya, about hiding the fem within. I've been living the facade of a hetero cis-male all my adult life, I felt obliged to satisfy other's familial and social exptectations or "norms". But I was miserable my whole life. Finally, I just let go and started being me again, and I finally feel free.

 

I've come to find this is a very welcoming, supportive community. It's a great place to learn and share. Feel free to vent and be a hot mess, you have friends here! ❤️

 

~Toni

[michelle_kitten]

Thank you all for your reassurances. ?

[Jani]

Hello Michelle.  

On 3/30/2019 at 9:53 PM, michelle_kitten said:

I just can't get past this really strong desire to be the other part of me that's taken the backseat for so many years.

There comes a time when it becomes too strong to ignore.  As your life situation would seem to allow you to move forward I suggest you reach out to a gender counselor.  I think you will find it beneficial.  

 

You are not alone.  Your story is similar to many of us here.  You are real and its all right to be who you are.  

 

Please join in. 

Jani

[michelle_kitten]

I made the appointment today.  I was totally nervous on the phone, but the lady on the other end was really nice.  It had to have felt weird to her, because I have a really deep voice and I am not trying to feminize my voice at this point.  I actually felt shaky on the phone.  She asked me what I wanted to be seen for.  A massive amount of different things to say went through my head in just a couple of seconds, and I started to speak a couple of times and couldn't say anything because my brain was going all these directions at once.  I finally said "gender dysphoria," and left it at that.

 

After the call, I felt as if a burden had been lifted.  I still feel a little shaky though.

 

My first appointment is about 3 weeks away, but they said they would try to get me in sooner if there is a cancellation.

 

Thanks for identifying with me.

[Jani]

Congratulations Michelle!  I know it was a difficult call to make (it was for me) but feeling relieved afterwards is a good sign that this was a positive move you've made.  You also were wise to start out being honest.  You won't be outlier, as there are many of us that have accessed healthcare.  I had a doctor appointment yesterday to see my primary doctor.  He's great and all the staff treats me wonderful.   Not special, just as the woman I am.  

 

Thank you for joining us and sharing your story and now, your journey! 

Cheers, Jani

[Lucy]

Had my first therapy meeting this week and it was really good. Day after felt like I was walking on air such was the relief to sit and spill my story to a complete stranger. Looking forward to next week as I have so much more to say as 40 yrs of hiding to explore. I’m already feeling liberated to a degree which I honestly didn’t expect to feel so soon. It’s definitely been a good decision to see an expert in gender issues. Good luck on your journey. Lucy. 

[michelle_kitten]

That's so great, Lucy.   I am very happy for you. ?

[michelle_kitten]

Update time.  I am putting this here, because it kinda goes with the rest of what I wrote above.

 

I had a therapist appointment yesterday.  My therapist does not believe my girl side is due to trauma.  In fact, she believes it is more likely I was subject to more trauma as a result of my feminine tendencies rather than the other way around.  She says I have an amazing inner strength, and she has seen huge changes in me in the last few weeks.

 

I have told a few co-workers, friends, and most importantly my roommate I am struggling with gender dysphoria.  I've been pretty honest about it with a few folks.  Everyone so far has been hugely supportive and more than accepting.  It has almost brought me to tears a couple of times at how much people have said, "It doesn't matter to me, you're still my friend."  A friend whom I have had many deeply spiritual conversations told me today he didn't think I was the product of trauma, but rather he believes I am just wired more like a woman than a man.  That sort of shocked me.  I didn't expect that from him.

 

Today, I went to HR at work and told them I am considering transition and asked if there were any policies I needed to know about, and what they needed to know.  I work for a larger corporation and the HR rep was fantastic.  I have the advantage of a gender neutral restroom on my floor already, so that won't be an issue with making others feel uncomfortable, or sticky confusing situations.

 

Tomorrow is payday, and I am going to do something I have wanted to do for 24 years.  I am going to get my ears pierced.  I am just going to go for some stainless steel studs at first.  I am very excited!!! ?

 

More than anything, I have laughed more and have been more happy than I have been in a long time.  I have been waaaaaay too serious for way too long!  I have a certain energy I've not had in a long time.  I've also lost 15 pounds, which is exciting. ✨

 

[VickySGV]

1 hour ago, michelle_kitten said:

In fact, she believes it is more likely I was subject to more trauma as a result of my feminine tendencies rather than the other way around. 

 

We do become targets for this very reason. but others take advantage of it because it makes them the "normal and right person" for giving us the trouble. 

 

1 hour ago, michelle_kitten said:

She says I have an amazing inner strength, and she has seen huge changes in me in the last few weeks.

 This is almost a distinctive trait of Trans people that we have the inner strength or resilience as it is also called, and recognizing ourselves for who we are coupled with this does get us into high gear in our lives.

 

If you don't have them right  now, you are going to get your referral letters for a number of  things easily.

[michelle_kitten]

6 hours ago, VickySGV said:

If you don't have them right  now, you are going to get your referral letters for a number of  things easily.

 

The referral letter for HRT has been offered, but I am not ready for that yet.  I have a lot of weight to loose before I can even think of HRT or anything else.  I want to be trimmed down as much as possible before even thinking about HRT.  I hear weight gain is a real issue on hormones.  Even at my slimmest I will probably be wearing a size 16, which is the upper end of a lot of clothing lines.  For me, I think passing is going to be very dependent on being slim, and of course I want to pass and be pretty.

[Charlize]

I also want to be pretty and to pass.  I think most of us who are MTF feel that way.  I've grown to believe that the happiness often found in self acceptance is the most beautiful part of any person.  When i feel good about myself the glow seems almost infectious.  As i read your posts, I see you growing in that feeling helped by finding the acceptance of others. 

Enjoy this beautiful life.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[michelle_kitten]

Charlize, if you look anything like your avatar picture, you're pretty.

 

Hugs

[Kirsten]

Just now, michelle_kitten said:

 

The referral letter for HRT has been offered, but I am not ready for that yet.  I have a lot of weight to loose before I can even think of HRT or anything else.  I want to be trimmed down as much as possible before even thinking about HRT.  I hear weight gain is a real issue on hormones.  Even at my slimmest I will probably be wearing a size 16, which is the upper end of a lot of clothing lines.  For me, I think passing is going to be very dependent on being slim, and of course I want to pass and be pretty.

Congrats Michelle! I felt the same way about the weight. I lost 80 pounds before I started hrt. Gained 20 back once I started, and I’ve once again lost that 20. Weight loss may be slightly more difficult on hrt, but it’s all self control. If you put in the work, eat right, exercise every day, it’ll come off. Hrt or not. 

 

I really like what Vikki mentioned above too regarding inner strength. I am proof of that. From introvert to too much to list. Once you let that girl out, she’s gonna run things! Get ready for what I hope is an awesome personal transformation!! 

[Jani]

12 hours ago, michelle_kitten said:

Tomorrow is payday, and I am going to do something I have wanted to do for 24 years.  I am going to get my ears pierced.  I am just going to go for some stainless steel studs at first.  I am very excited!!! ?

This is exciting!  I got simple stainless studs as well when I got mine done.  I still wear them when I go to electrolysis or work in my shop.  Brings back fond memories!  

 

Hugs, Jani

[SugarMagnolia]

What great updates, Michelle. Thank you for sharing! It's always good to take those scary first steps and have them turn out well ❤️

Hugs, 
Julie

[VickySGV]

4 hours ago, michelle_kitten said:

Even at my slimmest I will probably be wearing a size 16, which is the upper end of a lot of clothing lines.  For me, I think passing is going to be very dependent on being slim, and of course I want to pass and be pretty.

 

I am a 22/24., and have not one bit of trouble being accepted socially and told that my company is loved and desired in many places.  If the weight issue is a realistic goal, OK, otherwise be careful that it is not just a roadblock you are setting for yourself that in the long run is self defeating and puts you in an even worse position.  Unrealistic expectation of what you MUST look like, or worse will do, have, or not have after Transition are killers. 

PS -- Lane Bryant and Dress Barn have some very nice clothing up in my size range, and THEY ARE my styles.

[michelle_kitten]

So, piercings are done!!!  I got a little emotional right afterward for just a moment, and then couldn't stop smiling as I walked around the mall for another hour.

 

As to weight, it is not unrealistic for me to get back down to a slim weight.  I did it before.  I went from over 300 lbs. to 212 lbs, which was a good weight at the time.  I was doing more physical work and had much more muscle mass.  Def not a roadblock.  I can do this.  I did it by just eating less calories and walking mostly.  Some of it was swimming at the Y and karate classes.  We had an instructor that when he taught, it was full on cardio.  As I take off a few more pounds, my building where I work has a gym I can use.  I will get on the cross trainer and make a fool of myself again (first time I was on one I was sore for about a week), but then get past it and loose the weight.  I am just so out of shape right now I would die on a machine.  Another 20 or so pounds and I will be ready for the gym.

 

I was taking in about 1200 - 1500 calories a day, but my weight loss seemed to stall.  I've cut another 300 calories out, which seems to be working.  I will adjust my calorie intake as I start getting more active and working out.  I sit at a desk all day, so it isn't too little right now.  Tonight I had an awesome salad at a restaurant near the mall.   It kinda blew my calorie count for the day, but it was so good!

[Jani]

Wonderful!!!  Floating on air, are we?

 

Yes you can lose the weight you want.  Stay positive.

 

 

[michelle_kitten]

Just now, Jani said:

Wonderful!!!  Floating on air, are we?

 

Yeah, kinda!  lol.