Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Infatheline

Fluctuating Dysphoria

Recommended Posts

Infatheline

Hey everyone! Below is an excerpt from my diary that I wanted to share because I want to see if I can get help with how I'm feeling (I'm a potential MTF btw)

 

This morning I would have told you that I was feeling extreme doubt in myself. When I took a shower, as usual, I did not feel terrible when I looked at my body. When I got out of the shower and looked into the mirror, I saw my chest, and I desired that it was more muscular. The reason for this is unknown to me, all I do know is that it made me anxious. To think that I would look at my body and think, “It would be better if these muscles were bigger,” is to want to be more masculine right? My head was flooded, and I couldn't unclog it. The day was like this until our band concert. We had UIL today, and along with that came formal clothing. God, I -censored- hate formal clothing. When I had to put on the suit it was bad enough, but when I saw all the girls wearing dresses, my stomach hurt because I wanted to be them so bad. All day I had to avoid looking at them because it made me want to cry. The thought of not getting to have that body, or even wear that dress was a terrible one. I’m so confused. How could I want to have a more masculine chest and arms in the morning, but in the day I want to be a woman?? It makes no sense, and it’s why I’m so confused about this!

I did, however, get something from it. I always knew that people experience dysphoria differently, but I never knew what that was. I hear so many stories of people hating their reflection, hating their bodies, and not even being able to take a shower in the light because it hurts to see themselves so much. That’s… not me… When I’m in the shower, I don’t necessarily care about my body, even if I do want it to be female. When I look in the mirror, sure, sometimes all I can do is stare at it for tens of minutes at a time because my mind keeps barking at the reflection about how masculine it is. But other times I look in the mirror and think, “yup, that’s me,” and I go about my business. Hell, sometimes I even look into the mirror for a long time trying to make myself hate my body because I’m desperately searching for validation in myself, but I don’t hate my body. Sure, I don’t like it, but I don’t hate it. When I put on a bra, and I put a shirt over that bra, the feeling of having breasts gives me so much euphoria that I can hardly stand it, and I’m disappointed when I have to take it off. When I do take it off, it’s only because my parents are finally home, and I scoff at myself and the world, because hiding it away is like hiding myself away. But sometimes, a bra makes me feel weird. It’s like if I have it on for too long I get this feeling like it’s tiring to wear it. I don’t know if this is because just wearing a bra isn't enough for me, or if it’s because it makes me uncomfortable, but it’s like I get strained wearing it and other female clothing. I’ve noticed the dysphoria that I get is from mainly not seeing myself as a woman on the inside. Like when I look in the mirror, I see Matthew, but when i draw myself, it’s always as a woman. When I I am doing anatomy homework, literally, the tiniest amount of information separating the male from the female body makes me absolutely hate myself because the anatomy I have is not female. It’s like my identity is female, but I can’t bring myself to express that, and I don’t know if it’s because of fear of judgement from the world, or if it’s because I want to stay in the body I have. I feel like any transwoman would be ecstatic about developing breasts, but to be honest, the idea of it kind of scares me because it means I can never go back after that. Maybe it’s just fear, but maybe it’s my mind trying to tell me something. I don’t know man. All I know is that right now I hate myself because of dysphoria, and I say that probably fifty times a day for the same reason and I’m fed up with it.

Share this post


Link to post
ToniTone

Whoa! Alot of what you wrote hits home for me... Sounds like you might lean towards being gender fluid? I have a difficult time grasping the full concept of gender fluidity, and can't really say much on it. 

 

I feel ya on the fear of growing breast. I never was attracted to large breast, on other fems or visualizing myself with them. I like small chests. I'm transfeminine, and I think I would be content with a or even b cup. All the females I know in my (small) family are small, like a cup. Genetics could play a part in breast development. My doctor tells me they trend to not grow as big as cis female family members'. This is a case by case thing though, results vary. 

 

I'm kinda over my fear of possibly growing bigger than desirable breasts now. If it happens it happens. I'm human, even at my most beautiful I'll still be ugly so screw it. Who knows it might flatter me. All I know is that I need to do this to make me happy. 

 

Maybe find a professional you can talk to about this stuff. You need to find what you truly desire to pursue! 

 

L ❤️ V E &

P E A C E !

~Toni

Share this post


Link to post
tapeleg42
On 4/6/2019 at 12:24 PM, Infatheline said:

I always knew that people experience dysphoria differently, but I never knew what that was. I hear so many stories of people hating their reflection, hating their bodies, and not even being able to take a shower in the light because it hurts to see themselves so much. That’s… not me… When I’m in the shower, I don’t necessarily care about my body, even if I do want it to be female....Other times I look in the mirror and think, “yup, that’s me,” and I go about my business.

 

...I’ve noticed the dysphoria that I get is from mainly not seeing myself as a woman on the inside. Like when I look in the mirror, I see Matthew, but when i draw myself, it’s always as a woman....It’s like my identity is female, but I can’t bring myself to express that, and I don’t know if it’s because of fear of judgement from the world, or if it’s because I want to stay in the body I have.

  

I feel this so much.  For years I've wished that I could be female, but I've always chalked those thoughts up to being just another -excited- guy and then squashed them down to the back of my mind.  It's only within the last month that I realized what those thoughts mean, and fully admitted to myself that I might be trans.  I'd also say seek out professional help, because you don't want to be carrying around that anxiety in yourself for too long.

Share this post


Link to post
Harrietta

Hi Infatheline,

 

tapeleg42 seems right on the mark about personal discover and acceptance, at least I'm able to relate to them. For me, it's about fear of change, and the consequences such change might bring on my love life. I know I wish I were born a woman, and want to transition (since the option is available, and is my only real shot at experiencing life as one) but sometimes all that fantasizing tires me out, or I get tired of dealing with those issues come to thinking, and feeling that it would just be easier, and make more sense to remain male. 

 

I honestly believe that I was probably meant to be born a woman, and it was some outside influence such as stress, or diet which caused me to be born male instead of female. I hope you're able to discover your self, and find your way on this journey.

 

Harrietta

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   6 Members, 0 Anonymous, 16 Guests (See full list)

    • Jocelyn
    • SaraAW
    • Willa
    • Sharon Aml
    • michelle_kitten
    • Snow Princess Sophie
  • Who Was Online

    95 Users were Online in the Last 48 Hours
    • Jocelyn
    • SaraAW
    • Willa
    • Sharon Aml
    • michelle_kitten
    • MaryEllen
    • Snow Princess Sophie
    • Carolyn Marie
    • MicahKj
    • Cyndee
    • Janeshannon
    • Lightbrite
    • MaryMary
    • Kirsten
    • vannaaa
    • Gregory
    • Ned
    • DeeDee
    • Amy LeBlanc
    • Kelva
    • Michelle F
    • Jani
    • VickySGV
    • Rowan
    • EvanC
    • MomofSprinter
    • D.Grey
    • Elyssia
    • Ronin82
    • Naomi Knowles
    • KymmieL
    • KC1
    • Nina B
    • Ashlee
    • Sandra6sandy9sand
    • ToniTone
    • Anyatimenow
    • Hellothere
    • gaynoodle76
    • Josie Beth
    • Alisa
    • Petra Jane
    • K80Lately
    • EliAtkins
    • Dino
    • tracy_j
    • Charlize
    • Jen
    • Willow
    • QueenClara
    • Finley
    • JJ
    • LittleRed
    • BrandiBri
    • RithiaAllen
    • Timber Wolf
    • DrumbeatAlex
    • Janae
    • Lorry
    • Clara84
    • Beatrice Crawford
    • LouiseRose1954
    • Mickey
    • Elias2401
    • HeatherCristina
    • Jessica27
    • Alex C
    • Sakura
    • Susan
    • roman
    • Erika_E
    • Harrietta
    • Miss Julia
    • Fimdir
    • Jennifer T
    • L0gan
    • Makayla2019
    • SugarMagnolia
    • 1unar3clipse
    • stobart2019
    • Terry
    • TheGinger
    • EvaH2314
    • Sarahnr1
    • Robinl69
    • ChasingSerenity
    • Dororo
    • Gigi
    • jae bear
    • Beth
    • Dakota16
    • figuringitout
    • Kylie
    • Alex94
    • Camie
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      67,852
    • Total Posts
      614,335
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      5,018
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Gregory
    Newest Member
    Gregory
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Alyss
      Alyss
      (21 years old)
  • Posts

    • Cyndee
      Music is life, wholeheartedly agree, that's great you are finding new music Jani....   Tonight after dinner, I have a little Steely Dan - Aja (1977) going here....   C -
    • Kelva
      Welcome to the forum! I am newish so I can't say much on where to look first, but I can say everyone is super nice here!   
    • Kelva
      @michelle_kitten Thank you very much for the warm welcome and being so open about your history. I very much appreciate the thoughtful response. I am glad you are finding your way now, and hope to follow in your footsteps, where ever that leads me, too or away from gender related topics. Not sure where I land yet, but your story does feel somewhat familiar. 
    • Jani
      I just finished listening to "Live from Here".  Actually I also watched a piece of it while I was eating as they live stream the show.  I wasn't particularly enamored with the previous iteration "A Praire Home Companion" but I look forward to this show when I can listen.  The host, Chris Thile is an amazing performer and while his genre is Americana there is a wide variety of acts on his show.  I've been exposed to lots of music I never experienced before.  Music is life!  
    • Jani
      Michelle,  This is awesome.  Being able to write what your thoughts are is powerful.  That you did it here is wonderful in that we all get to read it and others may see this is the path for themselves too.   Speaking with others (even on-line) is cathartic.  Thanks for sharing.     Jani
    • Jani
      Hey Toni, sorry for the late reply as I'm sure you were hoping for some "words of wisdom" earlier.  I hope whatever you did worked out well.     It seems like your mother never grew into being a person that looked beyond their own world.   This is sad.  As to whether you love her or not, that is for you to decide but not all families are close so its all right to feel this way.  Love it seems is a two way street.  We give love and hope to get is back.  When we don't its OK to retreat. As you probably know, some people just don't know enough to quit, hoping against hope the other person will change.  As you've seen here, it doesn't always happen.  I'm not saying to cut your mother off but realize the relationship may always be one sided.     If you think telling her would just increase your grief, then don't.   Look out for your own sanity and well being.     Hugs, Jani 
    • Jani
      This is why it is recommended to wait and see what HRT will do before making plans!   I can read that you are happy.  That's what matters!
        Cheers, Jani
    • Jani
      Naomi as to rowing we bought kayaks a few years ago as a means of getting exercise and enjoying nature.  There are a couple of kayak Meet-up's in my area I may look into to get out more than I do.     As to Geocaching, like many activities you can proceed at you own pace.  You don't have to make it into a competition.  Get out when you can, where you can.  Life has a way of getting in the way of things we plan, especially hobbies and diversions.  That they're not critical and we do them at our leisure is important as we are supposed to enjoy these endeavors.  The thing I've learned as I aged is not to take it all too seriously.   Tomorrow is another day, and when its not, it will not matter! 😁   Have fun,  Jani 
    • Naomi Knowles
      @DeeDee I'm weirdly conscious about my own stammer on a personal level, enough for me to assume it's an annoyance even when I know better. Which is incidentally something I'm going to be bringing up with a counsellor, once they get around to me. Because I know it would be fun, and the obstacles between me and it are entirely of my own engineering. Rowing might be pretty good for me health-wise though: I was one of those 'weird people' who actually enjoyed the rowing machine at the gym when I used to go😜   Might start going again when I eventually get over changing room anxiety (and lose the beard permanently).       @Jani Can't say I've heard of geocaching, though looking more closely, there is probably a lot of overlap between travelling. If the geocache website is accurate, there are over 6000 caches in my area alone! Am a little turned off by the need to travel regularly to keep hitting that sweet spot of discovery (I'm fairly limited to where I can get to either by public transport or by my own 2 feet). Got rid of my bike a few months ago; thing made me strangely anxious (weird considering I rode bikes loads as a child). Funnily enough I did think about orienteering at work today, not sure if I'll pursue it or not at this stage. Could be an intriguing work-group activity (we're a small, intimate group). Most of us went up Snowden for my boss's birthday last year, so orienteering wouldn't be THAT big of a leap?     @tracy_j Is it a sort of friendly turn up & paint/craft with a small group of friends sort of situation? Learning to draw in a relaxed environment with the occasional nibbles doesn't sound so bad to be honest.     Apparently there is also quite a few different martial arts studios in my area too that I never noticed. Like the IDEA of something that works cardio, gives me a slightly-greater-than-0% chance to defend myself if caught in a dangerous position where I cannot simply leave quickly, as well as forms social bonds, but need to sit on it for a couple months to see if it's just my own mind running amok with unrealistic fantasies. HRT and months of relatively sedentary life (bar walking to work all the time) has taken a fair bit of strength from me, and at 5'3 (160cm) tall, I'd need maximum passion in order to keep up with my peers in that kind of environment.     What you're all doing is working by the way❤️ There is also professional counselling on the cards in order to properly uproot the cause/s of what ails me, but getting me intrigued in life again is part of the healing process, and to hold onto that flame once it gets going again.
    • KymmieL
      Today was great except for having no power for 10+ hours. Of course our area is not THE area so it was last. Other wise it was 73 light breeze. headed out on the bike a couple times. Fantastic being in the wind again.   Have a great rest of your day all.   Kymmie
    • Ashlee
      Im so excited for the future 
    • Carolyn Marie
      I agree with the above advice, Alex.  It does take time, especially with people who have known you all their lives, or have worked with you for a long time.  Most people are diligent about it, or correct themselves if they goof up.  Some folks struggle with the change.  I had one co-worker who just could not seem to get it right, and I know from his reaction that he was embarrassed as hell when he misgendered me, but could not stop himself.   I did not beat him up about it, as he was doing a pretty good job of beating himself up.  😀  I actually felt embarrassed for him, as he often did this in meetings with others.   If you sense that it isn't malicious, I would try to let it pass, or talk to them gently in private to explain the importance to you of getting the pronouns correct.  If you think the person IS being malicious or cruel, I would have a much more serious and pointed talk to them.    Almost everyone should be OK after a while.  For those who choose not to get with the program, you have options, including excluding them from your life if need be.   Carolyn Marie
    • DeeDee
      😀 Just want to say I love this post. Go Ashlee 💛
    • ToniTone
      So I'm here at my storage with my ma, helping her move some things I'm letting her store here. She went out for a while so here I am. We just got into a big argument, ugh! I don't want to be here now...    I was thinking of taking her for coffee later and coming out to her, but now I'm not so sure...    I for the longest her and I have been the only family there for each other, everyone else is just kinda estranged. But she only really cares for herself. She talks all the time, and never gives me space to just breath. She only cares about things she's interested in. She never listens to me or anyone. Her selfis, self-centeredness is such a put off. I don't think I really love my mother...    I don't even care how she's gonna feel anymore. I was looking forward to this, but  now I'm just crushed. This is about me. But she'll probably just make it about herself.    Whatever, I don't need this right now. I'm leaving... 
    • Ashlee
      Hi! I dont post as much as I used to but I'd like to post an update. Its rught around 8 months now on hrt and things are very very noticeably different. I fill out bras now and pants. Omg the pants! I've actually gone from losing weight to gaining it. I've gained 10+/- lbs in about 6 weeks. Its all in my thighs and booty. I am beyond how happy I am with the changes on hrt. Im getting curves, nig curves. I was going to get a Brazilian butt lift but npw I'm going to hold off and see where I am In a year. I never, ever and I mean never ever want to go back to boy mode or being a boy again. Ever. Hers is a picture of my thighs. I can finally wear a bikini! ❤️❤️❤️
  • Upcoming Events

×