Questioning Is a Wonderful Time

[gaynoodle76]

I've got a lot on my chest that I'm trying to figure out, so bear with me as I unload it all... 

 

Last year I came out as a lesbian. When I came out to my friends, something didn't feel quite right about it, but I ignored it. I'd never felt the draw to have sex with men, so it seemed to fit, right? My friends were supportive (still not out to family), but I kept having the nagging feeling that something wasn't right about it. I thought that I was still trying to come to terms with my sexual orientation. I was learning about trans issues at the time, and I remember having a thought, something like "how do I know I'm a lesbian woman and not a straight man?". But I ignored it. I really hated, and still kind of hate calling myself a lesbian. It feels wrong because it is gendered femininely. 

 

Over the summer, I ended up living with 2 trans guys. I learned a lot about gender and started questioning my own. I'm not sure if I ever really showed any signs of being not cis as a kid. My dad likes to tell this story of how after my brother was born, I told people that I'd been born with a penis but it had fallen off. I'd thought that everyone was born with male genitals. Other than that, I just grew into your typical tomboy. I loved it when my brothers' clothes accidentally ended up in my laundry basket, I got a "boy's shirt" and I was thrilled about it. I used to sleep in just shorts, before I started going through puberty, because boys did it and I could do it too. I got mad at a boy in my class when he told me I wasn't a tomboy and that I was a girly girl. All of my favorite tv shows revolved around men, the like. When my breasts started growing in, I remember being constantly embarrassed, although I didn't know why. They seemed so big, and I hated that they were there. I would refuse to wear bras, because I didn't really want to accept that my breasts were there, but then they were extremely noticeable, and I was afraid that everyone could tell that I was not wearing a bra like I was supposed to and I was so conflicted and embarrassed. I eventually just stuck to wearing bras. My chest is very large, and I don't like the fact that it's there. A lot of the time, I feel desperate, and I just want them off of my body, but I can't take them off. I'm getting desperate to start binding, because every time I look in the mirror, I get so upset when I see my breasts in my reflection. They don't belong on my body. I know that for sure. I'm planning to get a chest binder at some point. I've done my research and plan to get one from a reputable company and I'm doing careful research to make sure I get the correct size so I can bind safely. I know I won't get completely flat, but I'd settle for "much much smaller" at this point. 

 

I have two female family members who enjoy buying me clothes. They always buy very feminine clothing, and I never like it. When I have to go to the store with them and buy things, I end up nearly in tears because I don't like the way female clothes look on my body. They'll usually only let me get men's shoes and men's shorts, things that people wouldn't notice are men's clothing. When I buy myself clothes, it's always men's clothes. But sometimes when I wear them, I look like I'm just a girl trying to play dress up in daddy's clothes, and it'll make me really upset, because that's not me. My hair is currently at my shoulders, and I want to chop it off to make it much shorter. I hate wearing dresses. I can handle it, and have had to, but I always feel wrong when I wear a dress.

 

I definitely feel more masculine, but I'm not sure if I'm male. I've found I enjoy making male video game avatars for myself, and I enjoy it when someone mistakes me for male online. Also, I'm a writer, and for years I only wanted to write from a male point-of-view. I refused to write from a girl's.  But I don't know for sure. I'm not sure how comfortable I'd feel using a men's bathroom or anything like that. I used to be repulsed by male genitals, but over the past few months I've wanted to try packing, which seems kind of oxymoronic. I've been wondering if the previous repulsion might be dysphoria in disguise, but who knows? I think I'm either in the nonbinary range or Ftm, but I'm not sure. I could see it going either way. 

 

Does any of this resonate with anyone else? I know that I probably won't know anything for sure until I start experimenting, but it sucks to learn that you're not your assigned gender and on top of that, not being able to really adequately describe what you feel inside. I know this was long, so if you're still here reading all of this, thanks for sticking around. 

[tracy_j]

Hi gaynoodle,

 

It sounds a very familiar story to me. If you read around here a bit you will come across many similar things. Everyone's experiences are different but similar in oh so many ways. Continue to explore, both in yourself and the world around. At some point you may well want to consult with a gender therapist. They would help you understand your feelings and place in the world.

 

Tracy

[EliAtkins]

Your story really resonates with me!  I'm mid-30's and only recently started learning about trans/gender issues.  Before when I though about trans individuals or cross dressing, I had only heard about it being men who want to dress like or become women.  I didn't know it went the other way and the more I learn/research, the more that it resonates with the person I've always wanted to be.

 

Actually, I'm a gamer/writer myself so I know exactly where you're coming from on that!  Most of the characters I use are male and when I do use female characters, they're usually strong, independent tomboys.  This preference is actually what made me start questioning my own gender identity.

 

I've only recently started experimenting with different things and so far I've loved every minute of it.  I've been going more on the slow side so I can really reflect on each thing I try as I don't have the option of working with a gender therapist right now.  If you don't already have one, I highly recommend working with a therapist at some point!

 

Also, a quick note on chest binders.  Be very careful with these if you choose to bind as binding can cause permanent breathing issues as well as cause problems with your ribs and your spine.  I've seen a few people here recommend the Under Armour athletic compression shirts as an alternative to a chest binder.  I haven't tried them myself, but it might be an alternative to look into.

 

If you have any questions, feel free to post around the forum.  Also read through different topics as there's a lot of good information in them!  Happy exploring!

[gaynoodle76]

Quote

 

 

On 4/19/2019 at 4:19 AM, tracy_j said:

Hi gaynoodle,

 

It sounds a very familiar story to me. If you read around here a bit you will come across many similar things. Everyone's experiences are different but similar in oh so many ways. Continue to explore, both in yourself and the world around. At some point you may well want to consult with a gender therapist. They would help you understand your feelings and place in the world.

 

Tracy

 

Hi Tracy! Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me. I'm definitely hoping to consult with a gender therapist someday. The closest one is downstate, so it's not feasible right now, but I hope it will be sometime in the near future. 

 

On 4/19/2019 at 1:15 PM, EliAtkins said:

Your story really resonates with me!  I'm mid-30's and only recently started learning about trans/gender issues.  Before when I though about trans individuals or cross dressing, I had only heard about it being men who want to dress like or become women.  I didn't know it went the other way and the more I learn/research, the more that it resonates with the person I've always wanted to be.

 

Actually, I'm a gamer/writer myself so I know exactly where you're coming from on that!  Most of the characters I use are male and when I do use female characters, they're usually strong, independent tomboys.  This preference is actually what made me start questioning my own gender identity.

 

I've only recently started experimenting with different things and so far I've loved every minute of it.  I've been going more on the slow side so I can really reflect on each thing I try as I don't have the option of working with a gender therapist right now.  If you don't already have one, I highly recommend working with a therapist at some point!

 

Also, a quick note on chest binders.  Be very careful with these if you choose to bind as binding can cause permanent breathing issues as well as cause problems with your ribs and your spine.  I've seen a few people here recommend the Under Armour athletic compression shirts as an alternative to a chest binder.  I haven't tried them myself, but it might be an alternative to look into.

 

If you have any questions, feel free to post around the forum.  Also read through different topics as there's a lot of good information in them!  Happy exploring!

 

Hi Eli! Glad to know I'm not alone, lol. The only story I've written from a female point of view featured a strong, independent tomboy. The rest have all been guys--so I feel that way too hard. The preference to use male characters was something that I didn't notice until I started questioning. I don't have access to a therapist right now, but I'm trying to take my time and do my research. I'm really excited to start experimenting with my gender. If you have any tips, let me know! I hope to become more active on here once my finals are over!

[EliAtkins]

@gaynoodle76 You most definitely are not alone!  I don't do much in the way of story writing, but I do a lot of forum based RP (yes, nerd alert over here, haha) and I'd probably have all male characters if I could.

 

I have been watching a lot of videos on youtube.  There's several transmen that have informational videos up on various topics so I've been watching quite a few of those as well as a few by people that identified as non-binary just to see the difference in hearing about their journeys and what brought them to their realization and what not.  I feel like I've learned a lot from them.

 

I've just been playing around with small things for the time being.  I bought myself a men's deodorant and men's sleep clothes.  Mostly just small stuff.  I did recently get a haircut and I feel like that's really helped a lot.  In general, don't rush with anything.  Feel free to just play around with an item or two at a time and really just check out how it makes you feel.  There's really no right or wrong way to go about this.

 

I would definitely recommend working with a therapist if/when you are able.  There are ones available to chat online or on skype I believe if location is an issue.

 

Also, good luck with your finals!

[GothicLucas]

Hi there! One thing I did when I was questioning, upon the prompting of a therapist, was to go on pinterest and make a board about my male self or my ideal masculinity. It was eye-opening. I was sort of confused about what I wanted, but this amazing man just rose out of the bits and pieces I collected and it was a wonderful burst of clarity. If you don't have a pinterest account, you can easily google some images and save them in a folder on your computer, then view all the thumbnails at once later on. I just searched for keywords that reminded me of my ideal self, like "industrial" or "urban," and threw in some quotes about being a man, as well as some men whom I aspire to be like.

It took some time for me to realize that I was not FTM, but nonbinary. Self-exploration and pushing your boundaries is the only way you figure that stuff out, though. I still go back to my old pinterest board from time to time to remember...well, who I really am, regardless of whether that person is a man or not.

[gaynoodle76]

On 4/23/2019 at 3:51 PM, EliAtkins said:

@gaynoodle76 You most definitely are not alone!  I don't do much in the way of story writing, but I do a lot of forum based RP (yes, nerd alert over here, haha) and I'd probably have all male characters if I could.

 

I have been watching a lot of videos on youtube.  There's several transmen that have informational videos up on various topics so I've been watching quite a few of those as well as a few by people that identified as non-binary just to see the difference in hearing about their journeys and what brought them to their realization and what not.  I feel like I've learned a lot from them.

 

I've just been playing around with small things for the time being.  I bought myself a men's deodorant and men's sleep clothes.  Mostly just small stuff.  I did recently get a haircut and I feel like that's really helped a lot.  In general, don't rush with anything.  Feel free to just play around with an item or two at a time and really just check out how it makes you feel.  There's really no right or wrong way to go about this.

 

I would definitely recommend working with a therapist if/when you are able.  There are ones available to chat online or on skype I believe if location is an issue.

 

Also, good luck with your finals!

Hi there! Made it through finals finally. Thanks for the advice. I've been using men's deodorant for a year or two (strangely validating, isn't it?). I'm hoping my next steps are a haircut and maybe some body wash. I'll see how it feels. 

On 4/24/2019 at 3:24 PM, GothicLucas said:

Hi there! One thing I did when I was questioning, upon the prompting of a therapist, was to go on pinterest and make a board about my male self or my ideal masculinity. It was eye-opening. I was sort of confused about what I wanted, but this amazing man just rose out of the bits and pieces I collected and it was a wonderful burst of clarity. If you don't have a pinterest account, you can easily google some images and save them in a folder on your computer, then view all the thumbnails at once later on. I just searched for keywords that reminded me of my ideal self, like "industrial" or "urban," and threw in some quotes about being a man, as well as some men whom I aspire to be like.

It took some time for me to realize that I was not FTM, but nonbinary. Self-exploration and pushing your boundaries is the only way you figure that stuff out, though. I still go back to my old pinterest board from time to time to remember...well, who I really am, regardless of whether that person is a man or not.

 

I decided to make a new board. It is a fun experience so far, collecting images of my ideal self. Turns out my ideal self is a lot like Brendon Urie from Panic! At the Disco. Thanks for the suggestion.