The Emergence of Michelle_Kitten

[michelle_kitten]

I've been reading other threads like this one, and was inspired today by unexpected events.  I am starting this thread to share my emergence.  I've been the caterpillar, lived as a crysallis in depression, and now I believe I am emerging from the cocoon in which I've been.

 

Today, I attended a PFLAG meeting, at the recommendation of my therapist.  I was surprised when I found the PFLAG group to be more parents than actual LGBT people.  I was blessed to find so many parents who are so supportive of their children.  My own parents were far less than supportive.  One parent, however was struggling with her son's transition to female (he is still using male identifiers).  I was able to bring a perspective none of the parents could bring about what it is like to be struggling with gender dysphoria.  Somehow through my sharing, and somewhat  throwing up on the group, about what I am going through encouraged a mother to go see a young adult son who is transitioning with less trepidation.

 

So, I've been thinking.  I do that occasionally, and it usually is a little painful.  LOL.

 

I've been thinking maybe seeing my story as I struggle through this will help someone else.  At least, some might see what I (and maybe others) experience isn't some immature notion incubated in privilege and hatched out of pure insanity.  This is a real struggle.  It isn't some crackpot idea I got in my head one day and decided, "let's risk social ridicule and rejection, upend life, and add a few spoonfuls of confusion and chaos to make things interesting."  Yes, it has its blessings and joy, but at the same time there are very real challenges in even considering transition.  There is a price to pay for transition and risks to be faced.

 

At best, I hope someone will take a little inspiration or encouragement from this thread as it progresses to help them through their own struggle.

[Jani]

Michelle this is a good idea!   As you have read others stories, you see that you can contribute too.  I can imagine your story is just as interesting and writing will be cathartic and fun for you.   And us too.

 

Cheers, Jani 

[michelle_kitten]

So, tonight, I kinda came out.  At least I posted on facebook where I am at for all my friends to see and read.  I'd rather get this out now and see who is going to support me in the rest of this journey and who will not.  Here is what I wrote (you might see some resemblance to the post above in some spots).

 

Quote

I am going to share something which will shock many of you. For others, what I am sharing may explain a few things. Someone of you will be shaken, and you will want to fix this. Others of you will accept this for what it is. Many of you will pray. A few of you might be compelled to call me a moron, or label me crazy. Okay. I'm fine with that.

 

I have, since about age 6, experienced gender dysphoria. If you don't know what gender dysphoria is, it is a certain degree of discomfort at being the gender dictated by biology. For some it is feeling alien in the body they were born with. For others it is a desire to be something else, and usually the opposite gender. Many experience a combination of both, as I do.

Now, before some of you start to think, "Oh my God, M's lost his mind," read on a bit. This isn't new. The only thing new about this is I am admitting this openly, rather than hide it as I have done in the past. I am no longer ashamed of it. It is the way I feel regularly, and I am done suppressing it. That hasn't worked. Every time it has come back, it has come back stronger. This time it has hit me like a freight train, driven me into therapy, and forced me to consider this is something that needs attention, because it is probably something I will never be rid of.

 

"But, M we went to church together, you wanted to go into men's ministry, gender is sacred, the Bible, etc." The truth is the hyper-masculine, men's ministry, men's issues, etc. were an attempt to get rid of this once and for all. I felt if I could really be happy being a man, this whole feminine side of me would go away. It worked for awhile, but you can only suppress something so long. I no longer believe gender to be as sacred as I once did, because of the existence of up to 2% of people who are born intersex. I can't believe God would create people who are something other than male or female, to the point doctors have been known to make a decision and alter children to deal with the ambiguity. I've known too many effeminate men and masculine women to have a clear cut, simple view of gender. Like so many things it isn't black or white. There are complexities in the issue which I believe are there to challenge us.

 

So, what does all this mean? Right now, it means I am struggling. It means I am learning as much as I can about the subject, looking at all sides of the issue, and leaving no stone un-turned to figure out what to do about the way I feel. It means I continue to pray about it as I have for so long. Invalidating and trying to dispose of it is not an option. I've prayed for decades and fought for so long against it, and it doesn't magically go away. It means I've been reading secular and faith-based materials. I have been listening to interviews with transgender people, de-transitioners, critics and proponents of transgenderism alike.

Does this mean I am gay? No, if anything I am asexual at this point in my life. I am content being single, and have no desire to get into a romantic relationship. There is no attraction on my part for anyone of either gender. I am happy being without a partner. My medication suppresses my libido. There is nothing I need or desire in that arena.

 

So, where does this all lead? What does the end look like? I am not going to set a picture of how I want to come out of this, if that is at all possible. I don't want to try to manipulate this process to some end and miss out on something I need to understand or some area in which I need to grow. No options are off the table. This could be so I have a heart for people who struggle with gender dysphoria in the end. The way I feel could be transformed into something else by some God given epiphany. And, yes, in case you are wondering I consider transition an option. (Don't worry, I am not shaving my legs yet). There are many possibilities I cannot anticipate, and there may never be an end to my struggle this side of the grave. What you need to know is I am being as responsible and careful as possible, rather than riding a tide of emotion into irreversible change.

 

What I'd like from all of you is two things: 1) I'd like you to let me work this out without trying to fix this. I've tried. It won't be fixed by comments, books, pamphlets, or some great Christian speaker. While I continue to pray about this, God Almighty has allowed this to continue for reasons he only knows. You can't argue with a feeling. If it could be fixed that easily I would not feel the need to post this. This would no longer be an issue. Your prayers are appreciated. 2) I want you to be aware gender dysphoria is not some immature notion incubated in privilege, and hatched out of perversion or insanity. For many of us who struggle with it, it is a life long condition often beginning early in childhood, for which we have no logical explanation. I would that there were credible research on this. It would make understanding this much easier. Gender dysphoria is not some great achievement, but a burden. I would not wish this on any of you. So, maybe with me speaking up and bringing this out in the open you might decide transgender people are people too, and not hold them at arms length as perverts or simply "them."

 

Finally, I know many of you will have honest questions. I am not ashamed, and will do my best to help you understand what I experience. I will not, however, entertain mind games, or preaching in an attempt to fix me. I know such things come out of the best of intentions, but are counter-productive at this time. I don't feel like I am broken at this point, but on a journey leading somewhere for some reason I can't fathom, but with a necessary ending. I am for the first time in my life willing to see where the journey leads.

 

[michelle_kitten]

Wow.  Kind of a rough day.  The dysphoria has been worse than usual. 

 

Last night as a was laying in bed, holding my bear, I remembered why I went into I.T. in the first place.  I only went to school for I.T a little over 3 years ago.  Before that I worked in manufacturing.  At the time I chose my field and my major, I was passionate about men's issues.  I still am in a way.  I think a lot of cis men are suffering out there because of stupidity our society is pushing.  I wanted to earn enough money to go speak to men's gatherings and do men's ministry without ever asking for a dime from anyone.  I wanted to help men feel good about being men.  I went into I.T. because I like technology, and I like the challenge, and I could fund my real passion.

 

That passion has been shaken, and I don't like what I have become.  Since I've been doing my current job, I've stopped caring.  I don't really care much about the customers since I am so mired in corporate stupidity I can't really help people the right way anyway.  I don't care about the company who never addresses any issue until they are bleeding customer's out retention.  You can't help someone who won't help themselves and this company is constantly trying to stick its hand in a running blender.  I used to help customer's on the phones and I loved that, because I cared and most people could tell.  Most of my customers really loved me, and my customer satisfaction stats were well above average.  The problem is there is no future in being on the phones.

 

So, what do I want?  I still want to help people, even if it isn't just men.  I'd like to care for people, listen to them, help them be more comfortable in their lives.  I would like to encourage people.  I would like to celebrate with people, and cry with them.  I love to cook and preparing small meals with love would be very rewarding (I don't think I could enjoy cooking large scale).  I am def not suited for nursing or the health care industry. I am too squeamish.  I can't see myself as a psychologist or counselor, because they have to keep a certain distance from people for professional reasons.  I don't want to keep people away.  I want to love them.  Sigh!  I am describing a traditional housewife rather than a career with some income potential.  The funny thing is I could almost see myself in that role... except for the whole being married to a man and having to perform certain wifely duties I am not sure I could bring myself to do.

 

(are there any rich, single, doctors out there that have a thing for half-baked, maybe transgender something-or-others, and want to get married and maybe on some off chance have a physical relationship or not?)

 

Realizing this made a whole mess of feelings and yearning to be feminine and to nurture others well up inside me.  I had trouble getting through the day at work, and feel a sense of sadness tonight as I write this.  I am not sure what to do with all these emotions, and the whole thing makes me want to transition now, against my commitment to take my time with the process.  Priscilla is going to get squeezed extra tight tonight.  This has dropped a whole new set of questions in my lap.

[VickySGV]

The GD can be like a total bombing raid on us and leave us as shaken up for a while.  Why not take some time and volunteer at various charities who are helping people in the areas you have a passion for?  On group I know of runs special nights at laundromats to help homeless people have clean clothes.  Out here the organization is named Laundry Love, and while several church denominations sponsor it, it is not church focused, it is community focused.  Look around for things where service is being given and you can gain experience that could take you many places and allow you to be passionate without completely being professional.  Keep the day job if it is still bringing in money for now and use the other as outlet for the other things for a bit.  In service work, no one will really question your gender or quiz you about it, if you are needed and serving that is all they need to make you part of their group.

[michelle_kitten]

So, I've volunteered at the local charity.  It is a rather large organization locally which helps homeless people, and others in need.  I have a volunteer orientation coming up in a little less than two weeks.  I applied online, and no one from the organization has contacted me yet to ask me what skills I have, or what I would like to do.  This concerns me.  I really don't want to be 'behind the scenes' where I am not interacting with the people who need help.  I guess I'd be okay in a kitchen or something, but would prefer to be in contact with all sorts of different people.

 

I've talked to a friend and I am feeling better about the "day job."  He's actually encouraged me to still pursue men's ministry, because he says men really need it, regardless of who is helping them.  There are a lot of hurting men out there.  I am not sure about men's ministry.  I am not sure I really have all that much of a voice in that community.  I was already questioning my suitability for men's ministry awhile ago.  The main problem is there are a lot of ways I don't relate to cis-men all that well.  I am not into cars, sports, or hunting.  I do like guns, and computers, but that's about it.  Even then I don't own any guns.  I just don't feel confident I can be someone men would take seriously.

 

The dysphoria is better, but now I am noticing all the little man-habits I have, and they are bugging me.  I grunt when making effort, and it sounds way too masculine for my likes.  It is a mindless habit.  I walk with my toes out at about a 45-degree angle, and have been consciously trying to correct my walk.  There are just a lot of little things I've noticed I do that aren't very lady-like, and they aren't what I want to do.  Oddly, I sometimes get caught up in a moment and I am so so girly it surprises me.  Ah!  This doesn't make sense!

 

I am trying to not be so hard on myself.  I know some of my habits were laziness and can be corrected.  I know I've had the attitude I could get away with certain things because "I am a man."  I know other habits took a lifetime to form, and might take months or years to break.  Other habits were formed specifically to hide how I really am, and those will fall away as I allow myself to emerge.

 

The upside is I have laughed more in the last few days than I think I've laughed in the last few years.  Things just strike me a really funny and I just start laughing.  The things setting me off are things I might have caused a smirk.  I obviously feel more free to enjoy things, and there have been moments where I have had pure pleasure at just chatting with people.  I met the sweetest older women yesterday.  They were just beautiful people, and I really enjoyed chatting with them.

 

So, yeah.  That's my update. ?‍♀️

[michelle_kitten]

Tonight, I want to talk about where I am at in this whole process.  When I started to bring gender dysphoria out in the open and deal with it, I saw three major challenges to the way I feel.  The first challenge was knowing whether or not my feelings are somehow born in childhood trauma.  The second challenge was asking myself if I am disassociative? (I know, spelling, ugh!).  The third hurdle comes from Jungian psychology, and I was wondering about what is called "Anima Possession."  I figured one of these three things might reveal my girl feelings as somehow something which needed to be healed rather than embraced.

 

Neither my therapist, nor my friends who know me well, nor I, believe my dysphoria is trauma-based.  For one things I grew up in a household which would have at least figuratively, if not literally, beat the girl out of me.  Faced with the choice of holding on to a wound or transitioning the wound to something else (possibly more frightening than any girliness),  I would not be able to resist the pressure and would have probably ended more of a testosterone fueled horses behind, than questioning whether I was guy or girl.   I have no recollection of sexual molestation as a child like many people who have gender dysphoria do.  I have also done pretty well on my own finding healing for many of my worst experiences in life.

 

Even though I speak of my girl side as if she is actually a separate person at times, there is no such separation in my mind.  I do have more developed girl personality than I anticipated, but that's me and not a distinct and different personality.  My girl side is not an escape.  Gaming is an escape. My girl side is less interested in escape.  I went through a time when computer games held no interest when I started this journey, and now I walk away much easier than in the past.  I am fully aware of the price to pay for transition, and even the potential consequences of admitting to others I experience gender dysphoria.  I am not delusional.  I don't think transition will solve all my problems, or come without a whole new set of problems.  The grass isn't any greener under a skirt than a pair of grungy guy jeans.

 

Carl Jung suggested there are two parts to every human being.  The Animus is the male part.  The Anima is the female part.   Jung taught the one you are not normally is a suppressed personality which exists in contrast to who you are regularly.  So, if you are a kind and gentle male normally, your Anima will be a mean-spirited bitchy female.  If you are a kind and gentle woman normally, your suppressed male side is going to be an aggressive horses rear-end.  According to Jung the suppressed parts of you, and there can be many, are always trying to assume control, while you suppress them.  A lot of Jungian teaching deals with integrating the personalities into one person.  Anima possession is where a male is taken over by the Anima.

 

I've ruled out Anima Possession for a couple of reasons.  For one, guys who experience Anima Possession become low energy.  I have  more energy now than when I was suppressing my girl.  Secondly, I've been pretty gentle as a man, and mostly because of the girl existing just below the surface.  As a girl, I am every bit as gentle or more so.  I don't see those two, Animus and Anima, as polar opposites, but rather similar if not cooperative.

 

A family member sent me a video featuring Ravi Zacharias.  Ravi is a Christian apologist and a brilliant man whom I admire.  In the video he had been asked to address the increasing emergence of trans-gender folks.  A gentleman sharing the stage with Ravi commented he believed Atheists must create their identity, but Christians discover their identity as given by God.  What was implied was trans-gender people were inventing their identity.  I am certainly not inventing my identity, but discovering more and more how deep it runs.

 

Part of me is relieved.  In Jungian fashion, I told my Anima she didn't have to die and I was never going to put her back in a box again.  What a load was lifted with that!  I was afraid I would suppress myself again and it was causing me pain.  I am now very happy to have this part of me out and growing.  I get a little more girly everyday.  The changes are slight, and more obvious to me than anyone else at this point, but they are there.

 

I see no reason not to transition at this point.  The major hurdles are down and I really want to start HRT.  The only hurdle is the commitment I've made to wait six months and I am determined to fulfill the six month wait.  I want to give my emotions a chance to fizzle out, and they will.  I know my body can only support intense emotions so long.  I want to give some time for hurdles I've never considered to become apparent.  I don't know what that could be, but I know there might be things I know little about.  I've lived a lifetime of discomfort with gender dysphoria.  I can wait another 4 and a half months.  I can get through those months with the few steps I am taking.  I can come home and put on something pretty and comfortable.  I have a pair of leggings which are totally soft and comfy, and super cute.  I have my ears pierced.  I have a few other comforts.  I have my big girl panties (which is the only size that fits me right now).  I can do this.

 

I am also holding to my word, because I have to look myself in the mirror.  Part of being authentic to me is doing what I say I will do.  I have to stick this out for me.

 

I am planning to do HRT for a couple of months starting in mid July.  I want to know what it is like to be on hormones.  As long as it is safe, and from what I have learned so far trying hormones is safe, I see no reason not to give it a shot.  If I go ahead with transition, I will stay on them past the 2 months.  If I decide not to transition, as unlikely as that is at this point, I can stop.  I have a doctor's appointment soon with an LGBT friendly doctor and I've already said I would like to ask some questions about transition.  I hopefully will learn more at that time.

 

While I wait, I am having fun.  I am playing with nails, and clothing and cheap costume jewelry, and soon makeup.  I am laughing more.  I am enjoying life more.  I feel freer than I've felt for a long time.

[michelle_kitten]

I had a funny moment in Sephora tonight.  I got $35 in gift certificates, and went to redeem them.  It is time for foundation and powder.  The girl at the check out looked me, looked at what I was buying and said, "Is this a gift?"  "No," I replied.  "Oh," she said, not too surprised.  Then she asked me if I was a beauty insider.  "Yes."  She asked my phone number, and looked it up and then asked me sheepishly, "Michelle."  "Well, it's XXXXXXXXX for now, but probably soon will be Michelle."  "Great!" she says and proceeds to ring up my stuff.  She was fine after she caught on to what was going on, but a little confused for a moment.  It was cute and funny.  I took no offense.  I sure wasn't going to lie and say it was a gift.  LOL.

[Jani]

Very nice and affirming!

 

Jani

[michelle_kitten]

Update time:

 

So, I went to a doctor a little over a week ago.  This doctor advertises for LGBT patients with special concern for HIV patients.  I don't have HIV, but I figured a doctor who has special concern for the LGBT community might give me some good answers to some HRT questions I had.  The office was absolutely lovely, and not clinical like so many offices.  It is in an artsy neighborhood of Atlanta, and in an old building with exposed brickwork inside.  With wood paneling and warm golden rod and amber colors it was so much more inviting than any medical office I'd been in.

 

My appointment was for refills on blood pressure and anti-depressant medication, but we spent a good 20 minutes on HRT questions.  I needed blood work done anyway for liver and kidney function as I am long term on my meds, so he ran hormone levels.

 

My results came back yesterday.  I knew my T would be low, but my free T was about half what it should be and my Serum Testosterone was down significantly as well.  My estrogen levels were spot on normal.

 

So, I've been getting exhausted easily.  I've been blaming my job.  Mental work is often more taxing than physical work for me, and I am wiped out after work most days.  Low T would explain the low energy (hence my question in the HRT area).  So, now I have to do something about this to feel better.

 

Why would I do something to up my testosterone levels to turn around and take androgen blockers a couple of months from now?  That doesn't make sense.  I messaged my doctor asking if HRT would help my energy levels.  He said he could add progesterone if it did not.

 

So, two months ahead of schedule I messaged him back and asked how I can get started, if he needed to see me again, or if he can just send a prescription, and if he needed my HRT letter from my therapist (which is being drafted now).

 

I feel positively giddy, girly, and giggly.  Oh my gosh, I am so excited about the possibility of starting HRT!  I can't believe how this has made me feel.  I won't know anything until the doctor gets back to me.

 

 

[Ellora]

@michelle_kitten congratulations! It truly is a most wonderful feeling indeed! I wish you the best! 

[Jani]

I'm glad you are staying in contact with your doctor.  Low T would be cause for regularly being tired but this will be the norm as you progress in transition so plan a workaround such as an new exercise regimen.   Not having had your hormone levels checked in the past, these numbers may actually be your "normal" levels and your tiredness may be something else.  I know the experience of arranging HRT is exciting.  Enjoy!! 

[michelle_kitten]

Totally love the SnapChat filter!!!!!!

[michelle_kitten]

What am I feeling tonight?  I've been breaking down in fits of tears and crying like a baby all evening.  I've been clutching my bear as I am alone otherwise.  I am not sad though.  I am extremely happy.  These are tears of happiness and release.  And healing?  Yes, I think so.  I can't remember feeling this good, ever, except when my daughters were born and that was a different feeling.  I've needed so bad to cry for so long.  I've needed this release.  I am finally being me!  I am finally being the gentle soft creature I am inside, allowing myself to feel, allowing myself to open up, and allowing myself to live.  I feel like there is an empty spot inside me that was previously filled with the me I bottle up.  It was so cramped, and uncomfortable and lonely in that place.  It's like me has filled up the rest of me and there is room to stretch and move and walk.  It's like taking a breath for the first time.

 

Oh my, I know this probably doesn't makes sense, but I am just bursting with happiness.  I just had to share.

[Jani]

It makes perfect sense dear.  Enjoy the feeling! 

[michelle_kitten]

After circumstances prevented a sooner appointment, I was able to see my doctor today to start HRT.  He's so cute (not in a sexual or romantic way.  He's just cute).  I did my nails and wore my trans pride shirt, and some cute but understated earrings for the appointment.  It all went well, and I signed a document that said something to the effect my face could melt off and I could die an agonizing death in the belly of some desert beast for a 1,000 years if I take estrogen (You know the standard informed consent acknowledgment).

 

I probably shouldn't make fun of it.  I am happy to have informed consent, even though I did bring a letter from my therapist.

 

After the appointment I came home and removed the pink nail polish and then went to Walmart to pick up my hormones and some blood pressure medication (adjusted for the diuretic testosterone blocker).  Our Walmart always has the pharmacist give you your prescription after you pay for it to make sure you get any questions answered.  The lady pharmacist hadn't connected the dots when I walked up smiling.  She started to explain the testosterone blocker was used for several things including trying to control Potassium levels when she connected the dots and obviously felt uncomfortable.  It was hilarious.  She kind of laughed uncomfortably, stumbled through some words I could hardly make out, gave me my prescriptions, and walked away quickly.  She wasn't impolite, but I could tell she wasn't expecting a trans person to be standing at her counter.

 

Then standing outside waiting for my Uber to arrive, some passer by wished me a Happy Pride month, for which I thanked her.

 

I can't stop smiling as I take the first doses of my medications.  I feel like my journey has officially started.

[ToniTone]

Yay, congratulations! I'm happy for you! It's kinda a relief to know it finally begins, huh. 

 

~Toni ❤️

[Jani]

Very nice Michelle!   Just remember to drink lots of water as the Spiro is a diuretic.  Enjoy the ride! 

 

Cheers, Jani

 

[michelle_kitten]

Feeling like garbage tonight.  I was betrayed at work, and I am super sensitive to betrayal.  Someone accused me of things I did not do.  Fortunately, my bosses know me well enough to know I didn't do those things, but pulled me into a room to let me know about it anyway and to caution me to watch my back.

 

Apparently there was more than one person involved in the accusation process, which means they worked together to attempt to get me in trouble.  Management won't tell me who it was, but it has to be two or more from a fairly small group of people.  These are people who often come to me for help when they are in over their heads with an issue, and I have always helped them.

 

Today, I just kept to myself and didn't talk to any of the people I work with, except my supervisor and that was very very minimal.  I am so hurt and angry right now, I don't want to have anything to do with any of them, even knowing most of them are probably not involved in accusing me.  One in particular noticed I wasn't talking to her and gave me a couple of looks today, like as if to ask "what's wrong."  I just turned away.

[Ellora]

15 minutes ago, michelle_kitten said:

Feeling like garbage tonight.  I was betrayed at work, and I am super sensitive to betrayal.  Someone accused me of things I did not do.  Fortunately, my bosses know me well enough to know I didn't do those things, but pulled me into a room to let me know about it anyway and to caution me to watch my back.

 

Apparently there was more than one person involved in the accusation process, which means they worked together to attempt to get me in trouble.  Management won't tell me who it was, but it has to be two or more from a fairly small group of people.  These are people who often come to me for help when they are in over their heads with an issue, and I have always helped them.

 

Today, I just kept to myself and didn't talk to any of the people I work with, except my supervisor and that was very very minimal.  I am so hurt and angry right now, I don't want to have anything to do with any of them, even knowing most of them are probably not involved in accusing me.  One in particular noticed I wasn't talking to her and gave me a couple of looks today, like as if to ask "what's wrong."  I just turned away.

sorry that you are having to go through this. I went through something similarly. A long time ago I worked at a mall for customer service, and part of it was making gift cards. One day I get called into the local PD by some detectives. Turns out i knew them from a previous job in the same mall. We had a really good rapport. I was questioned about some gift cards at the mall, i was recorded at the time. By the end of the interview, he told me i was good to go. 

I found out later that two customer service employees that worked with me, and another that worked at another mall confessed. The security directors were reprimanded by PD about how they handled their own investigation, I could go on how crappy the whole things was. In the end, I was ok, and all the others werent. 

Stay Strong, especially since you know you are not guilty. 

[Kirsten]

I have been dealing with a similar situation. I have a couple of clowns that are always trying to cause trouble for me. They hide my cones when I put them out to get me in trouble. They tell coworkers lies about me. They talk trash about me and anyone who I am friendly with at work. And beyond them there are others who incessantly make inappropriate comments from the shadows. And most people talk about me behind my back as well. It’s all stupid middle school level antics. 

 

But what i will tell you is to be sure everything is documented with management and/or HR. Because if it doesn’t stop and a year from now something has to be done you’ll want the proof of an ongoing issue on your side. 

 

It may not be that awesome to have to deal with a lawsuit, but it wouldn’t be too bad to have to walk away with a solid payday either. So keep track of everything both on your own, and with whomever covers this stuff for you at work as well. 

[Jani]

Hello Michelle.  Here's a {HUG} for you!   As your supervisors are aware of this I would continue to do what you do with pride and conviction.  The one's involved are obviously being "watched" so hopefully they will mind their own business.

 

Take care, Jani 

[michelle_kitten]

Thank you all.

 

Feeling a bit better today.  I still didn't really speak to anyone today.  I especially didn't offer my help.  I work from home tomorrow.  Thanks so much for you kindness. I needed that.

[michelle_kitten]

Time to share.  I am actually pretty lonely tonight.  I spent a lot of time isolating after my last marriage.  Healing time was required and I haven't involved myself too deeply with anyone.   My roommate is practically a stranger.  My new found distance from my co-workers has come all too easy.  The one person I really trust in my life was my supervisor whose last day was Friday.  He's moving on to another job and a nearly $20,000 a year pay raise.  I am happy for him, and eventually may go to work where he is working.  In the mean time, I don't trust my new supervisor.

 

I have a habit of being an extroverted introvert.  I smile.  I am witty and love to make people laugh.  I am generally cheerful and gentle.  Customers just love me overall.  I get more surveys on my customer service than  just about anyone else in the department, and they are overwhelmingly positive.  At the same time, very few people know anything about me.  Years of living with depression and hiding it have given me amazing acting skills.  I am pretty superficial with most people and prefer to draw others out to talk about themselves or go into informational mode to avoid how I feel.

 

I have been looking for something in which to get involved locally.  The few things I've tried seemed to involve people either much younger than I am, or older folks.  I don't seem to fit in anywhere, so far.  I find it easier to go to a movie on my own, or go out to eat solo, than go with someone else.  There is a local trans group, but they want me to show them a picture of myself in full girl mode.  I am not ready for that.  I still look way too guy to even feel comfortable having anyone see me.  Then there are those cool social events which are never anywhere near where I live.  Atlanta had a gay awards show this past week, but it was way on the other side of the city, and it would have either taken hours to get there, or cost me a fortune to Uber there (I don't have a car).

 

I have  a few friends with which I have gamed since 2015, but those are online relationships, and not the same.

 

It seems I've forgotten how to connect with anyone.  I just don't seem to know how to meet people anymore.  I am fresh out of ideas.  I am not a drinker, so bars and clubs don't interest me.  I just have no idea where I can go to meet other people.  Blah!

 

I am not giving up, but tonight it is all kind of getting to me a bit.

[Susan R]

3 hours ago, michelle_kitten said:

I have a habit of being an extroverted introvert.  I smile.  I am witty and love to make people

laugh.  I am generally cheerful and gentle.  Customers just love me overall.  I get more surveys on my customer service than  just about anyone else in the department, and they are overwhelmingly positive.  At the same time, very few people know anything about me.  Years of living with depression and hiding it have given me amazing acting skills.  I am pretty superficial with most people and prefer to draw others out to talk about themselves or go into informational mode to avoid how I feel.

Wow, Michelle... I read this paragraph and It seems that we are similar...in the sense of being and 'extroverted' introvert.   This describes me exactly.  I'm definitely coming out of my shell a bit more these days since coming out but I think I understand a little bit of what you are feeling.

 

3 hours ago, michelle_kitten said:

There is a local trans group, but they want me to show them a picture of myself in full girl mode.  I am not ready for that.  I still look way too guy to even feel comfortable having anyone see me. 

This is an interesting Trans support group...I've never heard of auditioning like this for a support group before tonight but apparently they must exist.  Sounds very exclusive or else they've had some issues with non-Trans people covertly disrupting the group in the past.

 

3 hours ago, michelle_kitten said:

I just have no idea where I can go to meet other people.  Blah!

It sort of depends on the area you live but book clubs, gaming spots, local gyms or the YMCA even,, church, and in the summer I've met a few new people in our local park.  The best place though is volunteering someplace.  Type "volunteering" into google along with your city or town and you just might find a few great organizations in your area to support.  It's not uncommon to find some really quality people working at these places.

 

Best of Luck,

Susan R?

Edited July 22, 2019 by tracy_j
Edited removing invalid quote at Susan's request