Recognizing Doubt

[Wrightful]

Recently I have had the privilege to take several strides concerning my transition both physically and socially.

 

I have come out to my martial arts family and system, and I was allowed in the most recent tournament to compete in the men's division with the permission of my grand master and the council (a huge step! I don't know of any other trans people in our association that compete). I also started HRT just under three months ago, and while that hasn't been extremely smooth of a process, things are moving forward at a pleasant rate. 

 

The most recent of these steps I've been able to take is moving towards getting proper identification documents (driver's license and passport). I obtained the paperwork I need to bring to my dmv just the other day. However, the practitioner at the clinic was very hesitant to write the note at first. She seemed to convince herself over the course of our discussion. I did not try to persuade her much in the matter, just listened to her concerns and the normal timeline of things. In the end, she decided she would write the letters needed if I desired them.

 

However, her hesitation certainly shook me more than I expected it to. I find myself caught in the old circle of wondering if I really am trans, if what I'm feeling will truly remain consistent, and if I will regret transitioning. This is not a new doubt. I have had it since I felt I may identify as transgender, and it occasionally rears its head without prompting. Nowhere along the physical side of transitioning have I feel regret for my decisions. I have enjoyed all of what HRT has started to change, have enjoyed the social aspect of it, and have enjoyed seeing myself look just a little more masculine in the mirror. 

 

So then I have to ask myself, recognizing this doubt, how normal of an experience it is to question one's identity? I imagine it must be fairly normal, especially with how much we are told to reconsider by those around us and society already, but I thought I would drop this here for any of those who wish to share their experiences with self-doubt. 

 

Thanks for listening!

 

[ToniTone]

That's awesome about the tournament! What form do you study? I took Muay Thai for a while, sparred in kickboxing. 

 

I'm only like a month on hrt. But it's going well. I can't describe it, but I just feel right, like a chemical balance I've never known, ya know? But I do still "question" my transition sometimes. Like, I'm certain about transitioning. I'm not going back, I love what I'm becoming, what I feel and know I'm meant to be. 

 

But I have doubts. Will I ever be as womanly as I desire to be? This is such a change, maybe I better quit before I change too much and I can't go back? What the hell am I doing anyway? These questions haunt me from time to time. But I felt awful living as a man. I love where I'm going, I take on and embrace every problem that comes my way. 

 

I think these struggles and doubts are normal. If you have conviction about it, you'll persevere through it. ❤️

 

~Toni

[Wrightful]

Just now, ToniTone said:

That's awesome about the tournament! What form do you study? I took Muay Thai for a while, sparred in kickboxing. 

 

I study Taekwondo primarily! Muay Thai looks so fun. I'd love to give it a shot if I move somewhere with a good school!

Thanks so much for sharing! Those "what the hell am I doing anyway" thoughts are definitely something I feel as well. At the same time, though, I can see that I'm headed somewhere I want to be. It's a frustrating fight but one that's worth it, for sure. 

[Kirsten]

14 hours ago, Wrightful said:

have enjoyed seeing myself look just a little more masculine in the mirror. 

This is all that truly matters. You are YOU!! And that’s awesome! Your doubts are just fear. And fear is simply a manifestation of a future that hasn’t happened. Live in the now. Do the things that make you proud of who you are and don’t listen to anyone that says different. Don’t let fear be what defines you. Let the actions you make in the face of fear and doubt define you.