Am I??

[DevilDog]

Hello, all! I was born female and just turned 48. I grew up in a small town in Indiana, which is very much a red state. I was a tomboy from day 1....pretty much the boy my dad never had. Growing up, I played with the boys....there were no girls on our block. I was athletic like them, liked the same toys as them, I was one of them...except for the long, blonde ponytail that went down to my butt, which I desperately wanted cut (thanks mom). Around the age of 10, I started to feel like I didn’t fit anymore with the boys, but I didn’t fit in with the girls either. I don’t really think I have ever totally left this feeling. I was always the girl left standing by the rail at the roller rink during couples skate.

 

I played 4 sports in high school. I was good at pretty much anything I played. My first love, being a Hoosier, was of course basketball. However, I ended up being a better softball player in my career. The era was one where women’s sports were starting to get competitive and more up tempo. I played like a guy, aggressive, competitive, hating to lose, barking at teammates on the court.....as a result, I was assumed to be a lesbian. I hated the label!

It wasn’t until my junior year of college that I was beginning to figure out I was a lesbian. I got pregnant right after graduating from college. I was trying to prove to myself I wasn’t gay. The bio-dad didn’t stick around. I ended up marrying a guy that I dated prior to the bio-dad. I knew I was a lesbian prior to getting married, but I was trying to be superwoman and give my son a dad and traditional family. I probably could have made it work had my dad not passed away from a car accident 1.5 after. After the funeral, my husband wasn’t too supportive.  I ended up turning to a friend of mine for solace. We ended up having relationship. It ended both of our marriages. And I stayed with her for eight years. We never lived together.  In hindsight, I pretty much stayed with her because she was my memory of the time when my dad passed away. 

 

 Several years later, I met the woman that I would  end up marrying. She loved me, she loved my son, and we had the same outlook on life. We have been together for 13 years. I am still in love with her. But life has changed. I have dealt with depression ever since around 13. I didn’t know it was depression...but that is when I remember having my first passive, suicidal thoughts. I thought it was normal, that everyone had these thoughts, because I had them everyday. Again, I was passively suicidal. I didn’t have a plan....having had two members in my extended family commit suicide, I know what it does to the family. Days turned into years, years turned into decades which led to a middle aged, used to being single parent empty nester that didn’t know who she was. My wife had gone back to school to become a nurse 10 years ago. For some reason, she was very one tracked minded towards school and jobs, we haven’t been intimate in 9 years. I admit, I was a fool for letting it go for so long, but I kept busy being my son’s mom and biggest fan. I am a teacher, but left the classroom 2 years ago...at the same time my son graduated from college...not the smartest decision of my life, but nonetheless it was done. I ended up at my lowest depression point in November 2018. I was a shell of a person. My wife has been extremely supportive!!! However, we still don’t have a sex life, we don’t have any intimacy, we are basically best friends that room together. During my counseling, I thought I had narrowed down roots of my issues to 3 topics: 1) not reaching my dream in college and career wise 2)gay guilt...mentally, I couldn’t reconcile being gay and a Christian. Remember, conservative, red state that elected the dipsh!t that is now the VP. 3) the state of my marriage was perpetuating the self-deprecating thoughts. It wasn’t until mid March that I realized I am transgendered in some way shape or form. During this time of self reflection, it makes perfect sense. However, I have several topics that need further exploring. First and foremost, I absolutely, undeniably love being my son’s mom. I am very maternal, but being the tomboy at heart...I have taught the fundamentals of sports, how to change the oil and brakes on a car, basic carpentry sense, etc. I know I will “always” be mom to him and I am 100% okay with that!! I have a hard time envisioning being called Pappa or papaw when I have grandkids. Secondly, what DOES it feel like to be a man? I catch myself at different points in time throughout the day and ask myself, “do you feel female (like always b/c you don’t know any different) or male (do you feel like you have penis between your legs)? I don’t feel the later. So, what am I supposed to feel?

This is a nice segway to the third concern...sexually, I KNOW I am a man. I think about sex all of the time. I can get aroused with the change in direction of the wind. I swear if I looked down at my crotch, I would see an erect penis! When my wife and I used to be sexually intimate, I definitely enjoyed being the giver, if you will. When I put the strap-on on, it felt natural and right. Now that I am on the correct meds and dosages and seeing my therapist, I know something was off for me to think about suicide that much. I feel what I imagine others feel everyday....but my libido is not like the average middle-aged woman!! Now that I am healthy mentally and emotionally, I have been trying to get my marriage back to what it was. I wasn’t sure if suffering from extreme sexual deprivation could be clouding my brain when trying to figure out just how trans I am.....again, another man trait...thinking with my penis rather than the brain. I don’t want to decide to medically transition if it mostly a sexual fantasy and obsession. 

 

Any advice or words of wisdom would be appreciated. Please don’t recommend a gender therapist. I already have a therapist and I see my NP once a week for counseling as well. Thanks!

Edited May 20, 2019 by Carolyn Marie
Some language modified to make it PG-13

[Charlize]

Welcome Devil Dog.

 About all I can say from my experience is that i transitioned late in life.  I was 63 when i went full time and shortly afterwards i started HRT.  

I don't think there is any simple way to find the perfect gender for me or perhaps for any who find they somehow don't "fit".  I know i'm a mixture but i'm finding peace with that and perhaps that is the best i can hope for.  Spending time here.  Reading of the journeys others are taking and opening up about my own gender has been helpful in accepting myself.  Hopefully you will find the same.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[DevilDog]

Thanks, Charlize. Reading some of the journeys has helped. I often wonder if I just need to be at peace with the way that I am, but that has been an issue my whole life. I look in the mirror and I hate everything about the person I see. I am trying to be patient, to pause and breathe. However, I am usually the type that assess the situation and makes a plan to solve it.

Anyhow, thank you , again, for taking the time to respond.

 

~Devil Dog

[Charlize]

I hope you will find that person in the mirror more closely resembles your inner self over time.  I was also quite insistent when i started transition.  My image couldn't change fast enough.  I could ignore my feelings prior to starting but once transition started i couldn't wait.  Thankfully i had support here and in other parts of my life.  I got better and today i like the person who is reflected back to me in the mirror.  It's not "perfect" but it's me.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize