What does it mean and how did you know?

[AmberM]

I have been reflecting a lot lately in working with my therapist over the past couple of weeks, and getting into how I feel and trying to understand what it means. The more I reflect, the more I feel like I know the answer, but it is a scary answer to me.

 

What I am curious is, how do I know when I am beyond questioning and really fall into gender dysphoria camp? I know some of it is through working with a therapist, but I want to know, how do you know when you have reached that conclusion?

 

I feel like I have reached a point where I reflect on my past and notice the signs that I didn't fit in with the boys. I didn't do what boys did really, I enjoyed playing in ways that were more imaginative, even after the rest of the boys in my class stopped. I enjoyed shows that the girls in my class talked about watching more often, and I kept it a secret, not wanting to be outcast more than I already was. I think about how I still am very empathic and care about how others feel, and I can normally sense that in talking to them. Then when I think about the idea of going through transition and reading about the bottom surgery, it actually kind of puts me at ease. Like something that would lead to an ideal state if I ignored the rest of the world. This isn't the first time that this thought has crossed my mind, I even thought about this when I was in High School and was doing research after taking so many of those personality tests that were popular then.

[Ellora]

18 minutes ago, QuestioningAmber said:

I have been reflecting a lot lately in working with my therapist over the past couple of weeks, and getting into how I feel and trying to understand what it means. The more I reflect, the more I feel like I know the answer, but it is a scary answer to me.

 

What I am curious is, how do I know when I am beyond questioning and really fall into gender dysphoria camp? I know some of it is through working with a therapist, but I want to know, how do you know when you have reached that conclusion?

 

I feel like I have reached a point where I reflect on my past and notice the signs that I didn't fit in with the boys. I didn't do what boys did really, I enjoyed playing in ways that were more imaginative, even after the rest of the boys in my class stopped. I enjoyed shows that the girls in my class talked about watching more often, and I kept it a secret, not wanting to be outcast more than I already was. I think about how I still am very empathic and care about how others feel, and I can normally sense that in talking to them. Then when I think about the idea of going through transition and reading about the bottom surgery, it actually kind of puts me at ease. Like something that would lead to an ideal state if I ignored the rest of the world. This isn't the first time that this thought has crossed my mind, I even thought about this when I was in High School and was doing research after taking so many of those personality tests that were popular then.

Hi! Everybody is different, and I will try to help you with how I have felt over 5e years and how I feel now after doing what I have done and experienced. 

First you have already said things that can qualify as Gender Dysphoria (GD), “when I think about the idea of going through transition and reading about the bottom surgery, it actually kind of puts me at ease.”  My point here, is the Distress you feel from your body parts, goes away after your thoughts of removing them through surgery. That you feel better when you are in a life that is not the “assigned at birth” role. 

I have felt this way on and off from as early as 4yrs old. I say on and off, cause at times, I “had to suppress “ my true feelings growing up, due to my environment. Now that I am in a better position, I am able to follow my dreams. But that wasn’t always as easy as it seems now, it took a lot.

You are doing the right thing, research and ask a lot of questions. Do not try and rush anything, and don’t try to feel that you need to follow a template. Go at your own pace, trust yourself. But above all else, Be Safe! May 6th I had an Orchiectomy, and I’m still healing. I feel great tho, even better now that I stopped wear that awful, burn necessary athletic supporter. I’m wearing my 2nd favorite thong, finally, and floating a bit from the happiness. It took me a while to get enough courage to get here, but here I am. And I’m going to happy for quite a while, this was a big step and I want to enjoy it before I take the next big step. I’m on HRT/ Lady Meds, so I will be happy when I see even more improvements. A little over the three month mark now, and I’m seeing some body and emotional changes. I can’t wait until my breast and hips show more. Time will tell.

It sounds like you are headed in the right direction. Talking about helps a ton. If you are not out, can you dress, and use makeup and or props? That might help you see how you feel when you can check it all out. Maybe go to a LGBTQ event such as Pride, or something else near by? You don’t have to jump right in the middle, but you could check it from a comfortable distance. 

Do you feel comfortable with your therapist?, if you do, great, keep asking and talking. 

Enjoy your Journey if you can! Best wishes!

[Ellora]

Ooooo, if you have Snapchat or can dl it, It has a gender filter that blew my mind away. Have some fun with it! 

[AmberM]

Ellora,

 

Thanks for the support. The distress is there regularly, just it has something like a tidal force where sometimes it is manageable, like at work, then other times it hits me like a ton of bricks. I am seeing my therapist today, and I think I have some more clarity.

 

This weekend I was with my wife, and after having relations with her, it hit pretty strong. I wanted to be the one receiving, and I am not talking around back. I am fighting being okay with myself, and that is where I am wondering if it might be beyond questioning, but I am not sure how to know for sure.

 

On a side note, I did read on another thread about Snapchat's gender filter, and I downloaded it. I about cried looking at the picture and fell in love with the look it built for me. I felt like it released the inner me. 

[Kirsten]

If you’ve had feelings of questioning your gender that continue to come up, you are already in the “camp”. As far as a conclusion there really isn’t ever one. You just live. You do as little to yourself as you need to do to feel happy. Some people dress rarely. Some people dress on weekends. Some need hormones. Others need GCS. But none of that means anything really. All that means anything is making yourself happy and proud of who you are.