What’s causing my fear

[Makayla2019]

Hi all. Here I am again. At that point t where I get so far but then pull myself back. 

I have been really pushing new boundaries of late as I try to find the fit of being a woman in public. 

 

I have ave been going out in almost full womens outfits with no makeup or wig. Shopping for makeup, handbags and clothes and ok the same old nerves were their but much less so than before. 

 

But it I find when I get the time to fully dress and make myself over into makayla. I am unable to step outside. 

I look at my pics. I stare at myself in the mirror but something is holding me back some fear. 

Granted given I am married and my wife is unaware I am at this stage there is likely some internal safety mechanism. But I feel my biggest challenge is the fact I don’t feel like the woman feel. Does that make sense. 

And if that’s holding me back does that mean that really I Amore focused on the look than the being ?

 

I mean I feel like I look ok for the most part. So what is the anchor?

[Jani]

Makayla the anchor is inside you.  You need to break the chain if this is what you desire.  As to your wife, its probably time to come clean and have a deep conversation.  It may not be easy or overly pleasant but it will set the tone for moving forward, one way or another.   As to feeling like a woman, that comes from within as well.  Think about how you feel when you're Makayla and live it.  You own this reality. 

 

You do look good and I would have no reservations going out dressed as you are.  There's still a little shadow on your face but many women have dark hair that shows to that degree.  Don't let that hold you up.  If you smile like that while you're out, you've got no issues!  Rock on!

 

Jani

[Makayla2019]

@Jani thanks. That’s so sweet. Made me smile. 

I know you are right about being honest with myself and my wife. I guess that’s the problem really. What’s stopping me. 

 

How i I feel when I am Malaya. Inside I feel free. I feel playful and happy almost with a new zest. I want to be able to share that with others. Have friends as Makayla go and do girly stuff and now feel like it’s wrong. 

 

As for my smile it’s funny you say that cos I can smile like this and take a pic and feel great. I can’t do that often or as natural in guy mode. Hugs. 

M

[Jani]

22 minutes ago, Makayla2019 said:

Inside I feel free. I feel playful and happy almost with a new zest. I want to be able to share that with others.

This is a universal feeling I believe!  So you're doing OK.  

 

As to the smile, me too.  I previously wasn't much of a smilely person.  I guess it was being too vulnerable in my opinion.  Well I fixed that!  

 

I hope the rest of your day goes great.

Cheers, Jani 

[Sabine]

I think many of us have been in your situation. However, Jani is right, no matter how difficult that conversation may be, its probably best to talk to your wife. The fear you have may well stem from a deep seated feeling that someone else might connect the dots and tell your wife, which would likely not go well. So that conversation will do a lot to alleviate some of your fears. Otherwise confidence will build with more "victories," i.e. opening that door and stepping out into the world.

Good luck.

Sabine.

[Lady Ayu]

Makayla!! You are so pretty!!

 

I wanted to let you know that im going through a similar situation but the opposite of you: I just left the house today as my true self and went into public but i cant find the confidence to go shopping for clothes!!

 

Going out as your true self is scary granted today before i went i was terrified and excited but, it was so liberating. Just being able to be myself and interact with people as myself did me so much good. I do hope you find the courage to do it!!

 

~Mayumi ~

[Makayla2019]

5 hours ago, Lady Ayu said:

 

Makayla!! You are so pretty!!

 

Mayumi you just made my day hehe. Thank you. 

 

For me the confidence of going shopping as a male and not caring as come from accepting there is no shame in it. The blocker for me going out is this fear or dislike of being coined as a man in woman’s dress. I think this is the holy. Crap I am really. Trans for me. 

I realised the other day when I a semi femme. And get called sir it’s sad. 

 

I am am happy you got out there and fronted the world. I think I really need to be honest with others and then I probably won’t care about that either. 

[Makayla2019]

5 hours ago, Sabine said:

So that conversation will do a lot to alleviate some of your fears

You are right Sabine. I think it’s this hanging over me which is topping me from being free to accept who I am. Seems pretty obvious. I think I knew it already. 

Thanks for your help. 

[BrandiBri]

I find that confidence is the when walking out especially right at first. Even if you don't feel confident, just hold your head high, act like you have always dressed that way and you will do fine. As I gained more confidence in myself I ditched the shapewear, wigs and even the makeup that I thought was necessary to pass. I am no beauty queen, but am very rarely "sirred" these days.

You look marvelous and I wouldn't worry about what others think. For the most part, people are too wrapped up in their own little world to even notice.

 

Hugs,

Brandi