Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Confused, indecisive, and wanting peace of mind


MattM

Recommended Posts

So I want to start off by saying that I have never talked about this with anyone other than my wife, and even then I haven't been completely honest. So I'll try to give a good short background of an up till now, I was 12 or 13 when my interest in crossdressing started, it wasn't anywhere like it is now but that's as far back as I can remember. I grew up in a heavily dictated Christian household, so obviously this had to be kept under wraps. I have always struggled with my own self image having 0 self confidence in myself and always seemed unfilled in the way I looked. My slim frame never helped with the whole fitting into a male role and I struggled trying sports and always feeling out of place. This turmoil went on a back burner when I meet my wife in highschool and I felt like this was the woman to make a man out of me. Although it did for a while I was at peace with who I was for the first year or so of our marriage. Then it came back, and I started to have the strong urge to cross dress again. I didn't bring it up to my wife because of the obvious fear of rejection and possible divorce. Eventually I got found out and she was upset obviously but she instead helped me try and grasp that maybe it was a fetish thing. It felt right for a while and we got more and more into it getting more clothes, make up, and a really cheap wig. Things settled for a while and it became an outlet when the need arised, but just a few months ago something shattered it and made me question it all. Being in a financial stable place I had convinced her of purchasing a silicone bodysuit. I was ecstatic about it and when it arrived we planned a night to go all out. I put the suit on, she helped with the makeup and cloths, and when I put on the wig and looked in the mirror... I feel in love with the woman I saw, I felt beautiful, I felt some self worth that I hadn't ever felt to this level my whole life. Instead of that happiness remaining fear quickly over took me. I hid it the whole night from her but that was the last time we have messed with it. I haven't cross dressed in a few months since then not wanting to cause more turmoil then I have already felt. Since then I have had on and off bouts of wrestling with myself and trying not to just breakdown. I have already done alot of research and digging into this and instead of the internet trying to diagnose me I have found that finding a therapist, and/or finding a forum to open up and talk with other people was the best options. Which is why I'm here, I know I should talk with her about all this but I feel like this is going to be what breaks it, I love her so much that I can't lose her. If I go to therapy there is a good chance she will find out and I'll have to talk to her. However I wanted to first share my story and my confliction to gain insight and opinions of, will it get worse? Can it get better? Is it a gender identity? Is it worth the risk of ruining my marriage? 

 

Thank you in advance for hearing me out 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hello Matt and welcome!   Your fear is real and I think finding a therapist that specializes in gender would be a good choice on your part.  I know it can be scary but also an epiphany, when we first see the woman in the mirror.  Your mind races and you don't know which way to turn.  Since your wife already knows about the CD I think you can bring this up about how you are frightened to think where this is going.  She has probably already had those thoughts herself.   Will it get worse?  Well, it will not go away as you have already learned.  It (the urge to dress or even transition) may get stronger.  You should find a counselor to assist you in working these thoughts out and to come to a plan of action.  ...for whatever direction you take.

 

Hugs, Jani   

Link to comment
  • Admin

Hello, Matt, and welcome to Trans Pulse.  You received some excellent advice from Jani.  I think there is a chance that your wife might be concerned about you suddenly going silent about CDing, but perhaps unsure about bringing the matter up with you.  Of course, I am just speculating here.  I think the best approach is open and honest communication between you.  You know that she has been accepting about your cross dressing, so telling her you want to see a therapist to help with your conflicted feelings about the issue is true (to a point).

 

If you still aren't sure about it, then being here is a good choice, too.  We'll certainly help you all that we can.  Please feel free to post your questions and concerns.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

Link to comment
  • 3 weeks later...

Hello Matt the urge to CD will never go away, has been my experience. The best thing I did was see a gender therapist. My first app I came home and my wife had all these questions for me. The second best thing I have ever done was ask her to go with me. With the therapist there she can tell my wife what is going on with me. So much better than I can do, and she asks me all the right questions, I need to get out. And than explain them to my wife and the significance 

I wish you all the best  hug’s 

Link to comment

Hello Matt and welcome.  I am new and don't claim to know very much myself.  I can say these ladies have helped me a lot and I feel I am working towards my own answers.

Your story sound just like my childhood and then again my experience with my first wife.  It was wonderful to be out to someone I loved.  Sadly it ended in divorce, but after quite some time.

I now struggle with the fears of my first coming out again to my wife now.  I am going to therapy for the first time this Friday and hope things work out.

 

14 hours ago, Dannie said:

The second best thing I have ever done was ask her to go with me. With the therapist there she can tell my wife what is going on with me. So much better than I can do, and she asks me all the right questions, I need to get out. And than explain them to my wife and the significance 

I am hoping that my situation eventually gets to this point.  I know myself well enough that I will just blubber and blunder my words and what I want to say and break down and just cry. Not helping either of us understand.  I am planning a long letter and have gained inspiration in the "Letters" section someplace here.

Some letters are so heart warming and touching they made me cry with sympathy.  They also brought up things I too would like to say but may not of thought of.

Good Luck to you and your wife.

Link to comment

My therapist has suggested some joint sessions at a future time in order to help communicate with my female partner.

At first I was concerned about the idea, but I think having someone lay it out without being stressed into panic mode while trying to talk with their heart in their throat makes sense. At least it can help by not muddling the issues with emotional overlay.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   4 Members, 0 Anonymous, 121 Guests (See full list)

    • Betty K
    • VickySGV
    • Carolyn Marie
    • MaryEllen
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.7k
    • Total Posts
      768.4k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,029
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Selkimur
    Newest Member
    Selkimur
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Anyatimenow
      Anyatimenow
      (23 years old)
    2. Aria00
      Aria00
    3. Ava B.
      Ava B.
      (24 years old)
    4. Claire Heshi
      Claire Heshi
    5. CrystalMatthews0426
      CrystalMatthews0426
      (41 years old)
  • Posts

    • Abigail Genevieve
      I have read numerous accounts of trans folk no longer being welcome among evangelicals.   I am here for help and fellowship not to rebuke anyone.  I can take a pretty high degree of insult, etc., and you haven't insulted me, to my recollection anyway :) and I usually let it go.  But I thought I would let it all out there.   I am sure I disagree with you on numerous issues.  I appreciate other people's viewpoints, including those who radically disagree with me.  Intellectual challenge is good. One thing I appreciate about @MaeBe.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Congrats!
    • Sally Stone
      Post 8 “The Ohio Years” We moved to Pittsburgh because of the job with US Airways.  The job involved classroom instruction and simulator training, but no actual flying, so I kept looking for an actual pilot position.  A year after signing on with US Airways I got hired to fly business jets.  The company was located in Cleveland, Ohio, but I was flown commercially from my home in Pittsburgh to where my aircraft was located, making it unnecessary to live near company headquarters.    My flight scheduled consisted of eight days on duty with seven days off.  Having seven days off in a row was great but being gone from home eight days in a row was difficult.  For the first few years the flying was fun, but after a while the eight flying days in a row, were taking their toll on me.  Those days were brutal, consisting of very long hours and a lot of flying time.  Usually, I came home exhausted and need three days just to recover from the work week.  Flying for a living is glamorous until you actually do it.  Quickly, it became just a job.    After five years as a line captain, I became a flight department manager, which required we live near company headquarters.  That meant a move to Cleveland.  Working in the office meant I was home every night but as a manager, the schedule was still challenging.  I would work in the office all week and then be expected to go out and fly the line on weekends.  I referred to it as my “5 on 2 on” schedule, because it felt as though I had no time off at all.   About the same time, we moved to Cleveland, my wife and I became “empty nesters,” with one son in the military and the other away at college.  Sadly, my work schedule didn’t leave much time for Sally.  Add to the fact that while Cleveland is an awesome city, I just never felt comfortable expressing my feminine side.  Most of my outings, and believe me there weren’t enough, occurred while I was on vacation and away from home.   One of the most memorable outings occurred over a long weekend.  I had stumbled across an online notice for a spring formal being held in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, hosted by a local trans group there.  I reached out to Willa to see if she was up for an excellent adventure.  She was, so I picked her up and we drove to Harrisburg together.    The formal was held on Saturday evening and we had the absolute best time.  It turned out that organizers were a group named TransCentralPA.  Everyone was wonderful and I made a lot of new friends that evening.  We learned the spring formal was one of the group’s annual events but for the following year, instead of a spring formal, the group wanted to do a local transgender conference.  That local conference would become the Keystone Conference, and I would attend every year for the next 12.  My move to the west coast was the only reason I stopped attending annually.  I went to the first annual Keystone Conference as an attendee, but in subsequent years I served as a volunteer and as a workshop presenter; more about those in the next installment.   For my Cleveland years, the Keystone Conference would be my major outlet for feminine self-expression.  Yes, I did get out on other occasions, but they were too infrequent.  The managerial job just didn’t allow me the freedom I needed to adequately live my feminine life, and my frustration level was slowly, but steadily on the rise.  It amazed me how adversely not being able to express the feminine half of my personality was affecting my happiness.   However, a major life change was upcoming, and while it would prove to be a significant challenge in many ways, the events would ultimately benefit my female persona.  First, my mom and dad got sick.  They were in and out of the hospital and required personal care.  My wife and I did our best but living in Cleveland, we were too far from them to give them the support they both needed.  Second, I was experiencing serious job burn out.  I decided I need to find another job and I needed to be closer to my parents.    Things changed for the better when I got hired by an aviation training company as a flight simulator instructor.  I would be training business jet pilots.  The training facility was located in New Jersey, which put us much closer to my parents, and the work schedule was much better for quality of life.  Most importantly, this life change would help Sally re-emerge and once again flower.    Hugs,   Sally       
    • Mmindy
      I made a living talking about bulk liquids in cargo tanks transportation as a driver and mechanic. Safe loading/unloading, cleaning and inspecting, as well as emergency response scenarios.   Hazmat and fire behavior in the fire service as well as emergency vehicle operations and safe driving. "It was on fire when they called you. It will be on fire when you get there." Arrive ready to work. I could also talk about firefighter behavioral  heath and the grieving process.   The real fun thing is I can do this for people who are not Truck Drivers or Fire Fighters. Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts, Citizen Tax payers about Public Safety Education.   I love public speaking,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • Mmindy
      Congratulations to the mom and family @Ivy on the addition of another child.   Hugs,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • MaeBe
      Congrats to you and yours!
    • Ashley0616
      YAY! Congratulations on a granddaughter!
    • Ashley0616
      I recommend CarComplaints.com | Car Problems, Car Complaints, & Repair/Recall Information. A lot of good information
    • LucyF
      I've got Spironolactone ___mg and Evorel ___mcg Patches (2 a week) going up to ___mg after 4 weeks 
    • Ivy
      Got a new Granddaughter this morning.  Mother and child (and father) are doing fine. This makes 7 granddaughters and one grandson.  I have 2 sons and 6 daughters myself.  And then I  switched teams.  I think this stuff runs in the family. Another hard day for the patriarchy.
    • Ivy
      Like @MaeBe pointed out, Trump won't do these things personally.  I doubt that he actually gives a rat's a$$ himself.  But he is the foot in the door for the others.   I don't really see this.  Personally, I am all in favor of "traditional" families.  I raised my own kids this way and it can work fine.  But I think we need to allow for other variations as well.   One thing working against this now is how hard it is for a single breadwinner to support a family.  Many people (I know some) would prefer "traditional" if they could actually afford it.  Like I mentioned, we raised our family with this model, but we were always right at the poverty level.   I was a "conservative evangelical" for most of my life, actually.  So I do understand this.  Admittedly, I no longer consider myself one. I have family members still in this camp.  Some tolerate me, one actually rejects me.  I assure you the rejection is on her side, not mine.  But, I understand she believes what she is doing is right - 'sa pity though. I mean no insult toward anyone on this forum.  You're free to disagree with me.  Many people do.   This is a pretty complex one.  Socialism takes many forms, many of which we accept without even realizing it.  "Classism" does exist, for what it's worth.  Always has, probably always will.  But I don't feel like that is a subject for this forum.   As for the election, it's shaping up to be another one of those "hold your nose" deals.
    • Ivy
      Just some exerts regarding subjects of interest to me.
    • Ivy
      Yeah.  In my early teens I trained myself out of a few things that I now wish I hadn't.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      I was thinking in particular of BLM, who years ago had a 'What We Believe' section that sounded like they were at war with the nuclear family.   I tried to find it. Nope.  Of interest https://www.politifact.com/article/2020/aug/28/ask-politifact-does-black-lives-matter-aim-destroy/   My time is limited and I will try to answer as I can.
    • Ivy
      Well, I suppose it is possible that they don't actually plan on doing what they say.  I'm not too sure I want to take that chance.  But I kinda expect to find out.  Yet, perhaps you're right and it's all just talk.  And anyway, my state GOP is giving me enough to worry about anyway. I remember a time when being "woke" just meant you were paying attention.  Now it means you are the antichrist. I just don't want the government "protecting" me from my personal "delusions."
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...