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Alex C

And I think about us

and I think about Them....


WOULD he still be my friend

would she EVERY understand.

WOULD THEY PASS me bye in a blink of eye...…..afraid to say hi.  AFRAID TO CALL ME bye MY NAME!!

afraid to have a name


I walk around this town feeling like a clown WAITING for it to stop

Stop with all question and look me in the eyes and SAY...….

" your fine...your FINE!!!"..."fine...the way you are."

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    • NB Adult
      What more can we ask for? Being a grandparent is absolutely the very best! Being a parent is sometimes an "I don't know" sort of thing. It can be very trying!
    • Willow
      Hi everyone,   Thanks for the words of encouragement regarding my recent boating issues.     My Endocrinologist reviewed my lasted blood work and said to keep v=everything the same for now.  That means that my body is accepting the medication and dosages he has prescribed, so good news.   Visiting our daughter and granddaughters for the next two weeks.   Willow 
    • Jani
      IMO you may be over analyzing this.  Is this fetish/porn thing just a vehicle to abate the dysphoria you feel?  As Vicky suggests don't let the erotic stuff cloud the thought process about your identity.  The dysphoria you felt in younger years may have returned after periods of dormancy for any number of reasons.  Many of us older transitioners somehow survived through this until it got too hard to hold back/bear/deny (fill in your own reason).   
    • Steph1982
      Lots of good info here and thank you for taking the time to respond.    I guess my biggest struggle right now is fetish vs who I am because there was a middle period in my life where I did not have dysphoria so why is it raging now? I'm wondering if maybe by introducing the pornography I've somehow created a gateway for the dysphoria I had in childhood to return or maybe I've just developed a weird kink at this point.    Thanks for not being judgy and sharing your experiences and offering advice. I appreciate this information a lot from all of you. 
    • Jani
    • VickySGV
      There are three tests that point to it being Gender Dysphoria: Do you keep coming back to the question of if you are Trans or NOT?  (Persistent) Has this question been with you over the years and you have not clearly accepted your birth gender? (Consistent) Each time you think about it, does the question become more urgent and nagging toward change in your life? (Insistent)   If you can answer yes to those questions in all honesty, get yourself in to a Therapist that deals with gender identity patients.  The erotic responses are a whole trawler load of red herrings that confuse the whole thing but people think anything weird is a sexual turn on, and if it is, then it is bad, when it really is not.  I have friends who are fetishists and it is not living life as the opposite gender, it is strictly being their birth gender doing weird things and getting a pseudo sexual response from their bods. Miss a session this weekend and next will be fine for them.  For us there will be the comfort of the entire image that we need each day to our own levels and is not always "sexy."
    • Cyndee
      @Josie Beth - very nice track !   50 years ago, this track was spot on, it still sounds great today....   "Because you know, the darkest hour is always, always  just before the dawn...."
    • Jackie C.
      Pretty sure it was just me being careless. I'm almost sure I would have noticed if anyone was lurking in my cramped little study with me. At least the cat would have looked up. I am humbled by my ineptitude but raised up again by your understanding and, hopefully, forgiveness.   Hugs!
    • Jani
      Ah the spelling thieves caught you again, substituting unwanted letters!! 
    • Jackie C.
      THINK. That was totally supposed to be think. "Pretty eyebrows are more important than people think."   You still look fantastic.   Hugs!
    • NB Adult
      I can totally relate Sandra and I concur with Jackie's comment!
    • Jani
      Hello Steph.     Sorry to hear you're going through all this but it seems it is the path we take to happiness.  Charlize is spot on that no one here will find anything you've written to be odd.  I am also still married (40+ years).  Life is different but good.  I have no interest in guys.  Remember that Gender and Sexuality are two different things.    Jackie's post is honest and that is what we need to be with ourselves.  I also suggest finding a gender therapist to speak with.  While I never considered this to be something of value, I was wrong.  It did wonders for me.  She also wrote about a new approach to her health.  This is something many find to be important as we live the life we truly want.  No more destructive behaviors!   Is this a fetish?  I wouldn't say so.  Its part of the struggle your identity goes through to get to the top.  Are you cis or transgender?  Cis-gender people don't question their gender, ever.  Is this hard (admitting you need to do something)?  And actually taking steps?  Yes it is but it gets easier as you progress along and things seem to fall into place.  You are much younger than I so you have many years to enjoy living honestly as YOU!   Set a goal to look into help.  The end result is whatever you deem necessary.  There is no firm prescription for success.  And join in the conversation here as I believe you will find many likeminded souls on this journey.   Cheers, Jani     
    • Jackie C.
      Lovely! Pretty eyebrows are more important than people thing. Congratulations!   Hugs!
    • Jackie C.
      Dysphoria can be hard to grasp if you've never had to deal with it yourself. Give her some time. It sounds like she loves you and in the end, that's enough.   Hugs!
    • Jackie C.
      Hi, trans-lesbian here. I totally understand what you're going through. Let's see...   Until I got big enough to wear mom's things, I'd turn my underwear around and use my imagination. I have an excellent imagination. Tucking was easier then too.   The rush of hormones into the teen years (plus extra steroids because mother didn't want to deal with my OTHER health problems) kept the dysphoria down to a dull roar, so check. I'm still attracted to women so it wasn't all bad, but I still give off a certain something and cis-women pick up on it. I had a lot of female friends, but I couldn't buy a real, romantic date.   Then I spiraled into a self-destructive cyclone of depression so you don't have that working against you. Good news! Don't try that by the way. I do not recommend the spiral of depression. I was miserable and made everybody around me miserable. During the spiral there was very much a porn phase. I'd dream that I was like the trans women (I tend to prefer cartoons/artwork, anything can happen in a cartoon) or that I'd become a woman to achieve release. I'll be honest. Those were intense and got me through the day, but they didn't really make the dysphoria go away. The refrain for my life was, "Gosh, I'd have made an excellent woman." So yeah, depression, slow march towards death. I didn't pay any attention to my health (also a terrible idea, but I was committing suicide in slow motion) and didn't pay any attention to my appearance. I didn't follow any of my passions. I didn't follow up on any of my projects. Life for me was just waiting for it to be over. I was miserable. I made the people around me pretty miserable too. Don't do that part. That was a terrible, awful, no good part of my life and I'm glad to be past it.   So what did I do? The first thing was embrace who I am. I was pretty sure I knew what the problem was, so I waited until my wife was out of town for a while, got some prosthetic help and dressed (Badly. There are pictures.I attached one because life is a journey or something. ) the way that felt right. It was amazing. It's still amazing. I greet myself every morning with a smile. So yeah, that used to be me. About two years ago for reference.   Let's see, after that I got a therapist. I recommend this very strongly. You want someone to talk to when you're dealing with this. Then I got into shape. Well, I'm still getting into shape but I completely changed my diet, I watch my calories and I go to the gym five times a week for about two and a half hours per session. (I started with an hour a day, if I'd done my routine now when I started, my heart would have exploded. Consult a doctor if you're not sure.)   Then was coming out to people. My wife was first. I've told this story before, but it was important to me that she know. My wife is awesome. She accepted me as I am. I'm still the person she married and she still loves me. I rushed into this part because I was so happy and I wanted to share my happiness with her. My friends were next and they were easier than I would have thought. They basically said, "Well duh," and we moved past it. I did give them ample warning before I sprung anything new on them (For example: Hey, I'm dressing as Robyn this week. Let me know if that makes you uncomfortable.) Family was harder. Mom cut me out of her life. My appearance "is disturbing." Dad's fine with it, but he has to live with mom so there's that. Fortunately, my mother is an incredibly toxic individual so it's not much of a loss. Work is a non-issue for me. I work from home. Nobody cares. Your profile doesn't list a state, so I can't say if you have any trans protections where you're from. I talk to TLDEF (Trans Legal Defense) and the pro-bono lawyer they set me up with when I have questions along those lines. I completely get being nervous about coming out to people. You never know how they'll react. It was probably the most nerve-wracking thing I've ever done, but I needed to do it to get where I wanted to be. I got through it and I'm better for the experience.   So my advice would be to find a therapist and work out what makes you happy. If you want to transition, figure out what you need to pursue it. If you don't, that's fine too. I have a friend who is only "Jenny" on the weekends and for special events and she's perfectly happy that way. Find the balance that's right for you. Live your best life.   I hope some of that helped. I ramble. I blame the estrogen.   Hugs!  
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