Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

ShawnaLeigh

Unknown but not not ok.

Recommended Posts

ShawnaLeigh

So after reading a ton I find that I’m not not ok with where I am.  Like most I have no clue why I feel like I do and do I understand what I am. Neither physically mentally or sexually.   The community is so vast and has so many descriptors that it’s hard to pick just one you may fit in.  Just trying to understand them all is a chore.  
I have read of those who want to be a women. I do too.  Badly. If given enough money and time I have little doubt I would be there.  I know what I want but not what I am.  Why I am the way I am.  Feel sexuality towards a variety of women.  Sometimes men.  
I’ve read of those who question this being a fetish or a dysphoria    I too have questioned this.  I have had strong desires to be nothing but a women then after “release” I feel dirty ashamed.  I say this on cue from another forum member being brave enough to mention her attraction to certain porn.  I am too.  All sorts.  
I find myself extremely attracted to women and more so to trans women pre surgery.  I don’t feel gay still being in a male body living mostly as a male but sometimes I am more then curious.  
ive been labeled bisexual in the stupid little online tests.  Maybe I am.  I don’t know.  
I flip flop from day to day.  One day I’m ok with being a male.  Living as a husband and a man with all my male straight friends.   The next Day I cry all day not being the women I know I am.  I hate to say the women inside but I don’t know how else to say it.  It’s me either way.  
im lucky that I have not gone through depression or worse. Hurting myself.  I have always just dealt with it.  It is what it is attitude.  The deep desires still inside aching to get out but the fear keeping them in.The fear. It’s the worse.  
I will admit for the first time ever,to anyone, to self medicating HRT over the years.  Stopping and starting over and over.  Admittedly due to lack of money.  Secretly seeking doctors appointments, as a guy, but “checking” on my health and blood work for any signs of danger.  I know.  I know.  It’s not safe or right.  I’ve read so much on the dangers that I’m afraid to cross the street or eat sugar.   But it’s my only release to be myself.  I feel better knowing I am doing something,anything, for “her”.  Maybe subconsciously I hope to be caught or questioned. Having no choice but to admit my inner self is there.  I both dread and look forward to being given no choice.  Though I’m so careful to not screw up. 
I have small breasts, definitely an A but pushing a strong B in certain bras.  However easily hidden with compression tanks to look more like pecks then breast. Also luckily small genitalia so hiding my bit n pieces is very easy.  
My biggest depressor if I was to name just one is I just don’t see the women in the mirror.  
That is the one thing that hits me hard.  I can’t find myself when I stare into the mirror.  Cry?  Definitely.   However, just today I tried a fun little app that can convert a selfie to many things.  Older different hair etc.  Of coarse my goal was to see a gender conversion.  I was blown away.  I even tried it with several pics.  The amazing thing was I looked exactly like older versions of two of my natural daughters.  I’d post a pic of the app conversation but don’t know how yet.  
but these pics gave me a glimpse of the women inside.  She is beautiful and I look forward to her being out one day.  
ok. I’ve run on n on.  Sorry.  
im so gabby.  

Share this post


Link to post
Jani

Hello Gabby!  (is that a new name?)  As you have read the recent thread concerning porn, etc. you can see that it is a diversion and "red herring" related to gender issues.   Also don't be drawn in by the "I like women or I like men" thing.  Gender and Sexuality are two different things.  Flip flopping is normal.  Our feelings on any given issue will change regularly given enough time involved in it.   

 

Ok you know self medicating is bad.  Even getting regular check ups is not enough as I don't imagine you know what to look for, and there can be complications from certain levels in your body that you don't understand.  Start to get clean!  See your doctor and tell them what is happening.  They won't bite.  Ask them to legally prescribe and monitor your lab work.  

 

As to not seeing the woman in the mirror?  This takes time.  I was two years into this journey before I consistently saw her.  There is certainly a mental element to this.  Once I started thinking like a woman it was easier to see me.  You are still on the outside looking in.  Faceapp and the like are fun but can drive you crazy. 

 

Jani 

Share this post


Link to post
VickySGV

You are describing some serious depression in your post there.  My recommendation is that you immediately if not sooner find a licensed therapist in your state who deals with Gender Dysphoria, or at least one who can help you really discover source of the depression first, actually though, Gender Therapists have all started out as the garden variety therapist who learned to treat depression.

 

On a darker note, yes, there are people who become addicted to pornography as well, but the therapist I recommended above can also help people get that addiction onto the road to recovery.  Attraction to porn does not exclude the possibility that you are Trans also.  It will take a while in therapy to work all of that out, but  in my experience you have a good chance of getting your life under control, even if it requires going in to full Gender Transition. 

Share this post


Link to post
Jackie C.

What Jani and Vicky said. It sounds like you really need to talk to a therapist. I've been where you are. It was a dark, unpleasant, no-good place. You don't have to be there. The first step is finding help. Your medical insurance might even cover it. Find a therapist and talk. They're paid to listen and help. It's very refreshing. I went with BetterHelp.com because they're cheap and I don't have to leave the house. I know that as a guy of a certain age you were trained with "guys don't need help" and the stigma of finding help for mental issues. Those are terrible, terrible lies. Find someone. It can get better.

 

Hugs!

Share this post


Link to post
Steph1982

Hey there! 

 

I just read your post and can relate to some of it. I too wish I could see the girl inside but that would take much more time and steps in the right direction to get there. The porn thing I totally get too, and after doing a lot of reading and people's kind words on here it's really not as uncommon as I thought it would be. The reasons behind all of it though can vary which is why seeing a licensed therapist is so important and will likely be my next step as well. Maybe start there? 

 

Jackie, does better help have licensed gender therapists? It was my understanding that they had licensed counseling and some have experience with gender issues but they are not specifically a gender therapist? 

Share this post


Link to post
Jackie C.
1 hour ago, Steph1982 said:

Jackie, does better help have licensed gender therapists? It was my understanding that they had licensed counseling and some have experience with gender issues but they are not specifically a gender therapist? 

 

Tragically no, but my therapist is working on it. That means she's experienced and active in the LGBT+ community, but none of her three degrees are specifically for gender therapy. I'm not actually sure where the distinction is. Both Deena (my regular therapist) and my gender therapist, Sara are LMSWs. That's Licensed Master Social Workers. 

 

For gender therapists I had to go outside BetterHelp.com to the UofM Health System. I love Sara but I wasn't up to driving that far every week to talk to her (I love my car, but she's an old girl. I try not to stress her too much.) Also, she's always super put together and it's a little intimidating. Deena and I have had (online) sessions where we were both in sweatpants.

 

So yeah, I went with Deena and BetterHelp for my regular therapy needs and went... well, go... to Sara at UofM for things that need that specific gender therapist seal of approval. She was the Letter of Recommendation I needed to get started on hormone therapy. For WPATH standards of care (If you're going for GRS anyway), you need two gender therapists from different programs, so I also saw... I'm blanking on her name now, but she's local to me so it doesn't matter at all for you. At least I don't THINK you want to come to Michigan for a therapist. Anyway, she was a full psychologist and wicked expensive. I liked talking to her and am forever grateful for her Letter of Recommendation but I'd go broke seeing her.

 

Hugs!

Share this post


Link to post
ShawnaLeigh

Per the wise advice I have received here I have reached out to my company mental health benefits department  I work for a Medical University, UVM.  They are very pro transgender and serious about all sorts of tolerance.   They just forwarded me a couple numbers for counseling with a gender specialist.  I’m hoping from there I can be referred to a psychologist or equivalent. Maybe even get past all this fear.  

im just hoping my insurance covers this.  
(fingers crossed)

This is a major step for me.  Kinda scary admitting “things” to someone face to face.  
I suppose you have to start somewhere.

Share this post


Link to post
Jackie C.

Honestly, therapists are really easy to talk to. Part of the job and all. You'll be amazed how much better you feel talking to someone.

 

SO jealous about the Medical University thing. I imagine that makes things ever so much easier. Most of what you need is just right there. Awesome news!

 

Hugs!

Share this post


Link to post
ShawnaLeigh

It is a great job. The best I’ve ever had but availability is the same as anyone.  Sadly I do not work on the campus or medical center there.  I am a BioMed and work in four hospitals In Vermont and New Hampshire.  Being the only BioMed in each so I’m busy.  Though I do have access to a ton of info.  

it give me lots of commute time.  Time I hope to practice.  
 

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   5 Members, 0 Anonymous, 164 Guests (See full list)

    • AdriannaB
    • Lucca
    • Willa
    • vince
    • Clara84
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      69,752
    • Total Posts
      630,404
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      6,102
    • Most Online
      8,356

    alicia024
    Newest Member
    alicia024
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. KathrynJulia
      KathrynJulia
      (65 years old)
    2. Michelle 2010
      Michelle 2010
      (10 years old)
    3. Shiratori
      Shiratori
      (48 years old)
    4. woahshutitdown
      woahshutitdown
      (29 years old)
  • Posts

    • Ronin82
      Congrats, dude!! Yeah, that first shot is scary, but sooo worth it! Looking forward to hearing about your journey.
    • TrIIIy
      Welp, I just did my first self-injection of testosterone! Super scary, but manageable.   I am going to be chronicling my transition by taking a picture of myself every week for at least a year. I hope to have a nice montage by the end of year one! I will eventually post the video on YouTube. No links, I know, but it will be there.   Excitement!
    • FrozenWinter
      Thank you for your wish! *Gives "lì xì" (lucky money)*
    • Aidan5
      Ah, confidence will help a ton. Which, recently I find myself having more confidence when he is around. I also have really bad trust and abandonment issues, which he is helping me with. I am very cautious when I like someone. It blows my mind when someone tells me that they like me. I will work on my confidence and self respect.     thank you guys a ton
    • ShawnaLeigh
      Flirting isn’t a skill. It’s a comfort level.  You have to have a few things to make it work.  You have you really be interested in the person. Not just smitten.  You have to be confident in yourself as a lovable person and someone who is also desirable.  You have to relax and let things flow.  You can not plan or act out anything anyone else has said.  It can not be forced.  It comes from inside you as a confident playfulness.  Being clever and humorous is only a small part of it. But it helps a lot.   The biggest thing is to believe in yourself and be brave.  Eventually you see it’s not hard or scary.   just be you.  
    • Robin68
      The Vietnamese in my area celebrate Tet. Have a wonderful holiday!
    • Susan R
      Hey Michelle, the heavy dose of masculinity you quoted above reminds me so much of myself and where I came from.  The description is slightly different from mine in detail but very manly, none the less. It sounds like you’re able to look past these male features to see and feel the real you. It was easier for a time growing up to conform to the expected standards set before us but as you and I have both found, it doesn’t last forever.  Eventually, a good number of us see through the mask we put on and start to take control of the situation despite what society or culture dictates.  I congratulate you on getting to this very important part of your journey.  It will make things even better if your wife accepts you as you and becomes a vital support in this journey too.  I wish you the best in either case.   Susan R🌷    
    • Lucca
      Just something I'm curious about... the three most common methods of administering estrogen are pills, patches, and shots, but from what I can gather, the three most common methods of administering testosterone are patches, shots, and skin gels that you rub in like hand sanitizer. I've never heard of testosterone pills. Anyone know why? Does testosterone not survive in the stomach to get absorbed into the blood? Or for that matter, why is there no estrogen gel? 
    • Cara
      Another update -- the problem is actually called vaginismus, and caused by contraction of the vaginal muscles making intercourse painful or not possible. It is not necessarily even related to gender surgery -- it is not uncommon in genetic women. The treatment is... dilation, even for genetic women, and can be handled by someone's regular gyn physician.
    • BEAN_CHILD
      idk whenever im flirting with me boyfriend what i usually do is make a play on words with whatever he said to me example him:the sky is so blue me:as deep a blue as your eyes him:but my eyes are brown... me:i thought they were blue from how much theyre shining flirting 101 with max lol
    • Jennifer T
      Hi @Miseria. I think I began posting in late 2009.  There were quite a few posting poetry back then.  🙂   I do enjoy the creativity that words allow.   @ToniTone, thank you.  ☺️ 
    • KymmieL
      The Cheyenne VA hospital is great as far as I am concerned. I have had no troubles at all. My Dr's are fantastic. Unfortunately they have no endo. I will be seeing the one down at the Denver VA. Good thing I get travel pay. Just recently found out that I can claim travel for any appointment at VA based on my disability percentage. My GYN's nurse found out for me.   I feel totally safe when I am at the VA. I use the ladies room. dress how I feel.of course girly.   Kymmie
    • Aidan5
      Some one hit me with the skills on how to flirt because I am terrible and I know, the new kid just laughs at my miserable attempts, I think he finds it cute that I try. Sadly I am about as smooth as sandpaper. So I tried to get revenge for him dropping his phone on me when it said "Hints" So he was dropping hints on me. So I wrote "Hints on a piece of paper and dropped it on him, for revenge. He was like "Ah, I see your true feelings." And I panicked and said "Ha, no it's just revenge from earlier." He obviously didn't believe me and just laughed. Someone please teach me how to flirt so I can compete, he is a smooth as butter! He is always trying to hold hands so I do it back, He told me to move to the back of the bus with him and I said no playfully and he said "I will kiss you right now if you don't" (Also playing) I froze up ack. I need halp haha
    • Aidan5
      Welcome to the forum Michaela!    We welcome you with opens arms and open minds, I hope you can find the same comfort I did here
    • Jackie C.
      That's the spirit! Also a good attitude when you're waiting for anything else you care to do while transitioning like getting approved for HRT or bottom surgery if you choose to pursue either of those things. Probably FFS too, but I haven't signed up for that one. I don't want to get TOO pretty. My friends would be jealous. 😘   Hugs!
  • Upcoming Events

×
×
  • Create New...