About Gender Identity and Garbage.

[D.Grey]

Sorry in advice for the long post and the errors...
I don't know how to start this talk.
This is a bad time for me.

 

I grew up in a small town, in a socially backward country, with parents who just can't understand some issues, but are convinced that they have the truth in their pockets. I realized over the years how easily I can be influenced. I spent all my adolescence without really questioning what my family told me, believing that the enemy was "out there", somewhere, in the society that wanted to turn me into an automaton, forcing me to be different from what I thought to be.
The point is that I didn't really know who I am. I don't even know now.

 

I spent years feeling a discomfort that I didn't understand where it came from, a discomfort that was systematically ignored by those people who were supposed to support me and yet are still denying reality, still not understanding me even when I tell them things directly face to face.
The discomfort, completely ignored, then turned into a mental illness, something so complex that I was told several times that it is very difficult to frame and diagnose. Following a therapy is helping me, but it may not be enough.

 

During these years I have tried to inform myself on my own. I know you shouldn't do it, but I didn't have the tools to do otherwise. I realized my head was full of garbage and wrong thoughts.
Thoughts, thoughts and more thoughts, every day, every week, from morning to night. About faith, sexuality, OCD, weight, being a bad person, gender identity. All linked to one question only.
Who am I? Why don't I know yet?

 

When I first approached the trans world I naively thought that it didn't concern me. "I'm a girl. Why shouldn't I be?
But something was wrong with my being a girl.

Not that I've ever been particularly tomboyed. I liked feminine things, but also masculine ones. I appreciated them the same way. At Carnival I dressed as a princess, but also cicciobello love'n care, punk, hippie and cheetah.
I didn't care about the distinction between male and female toys, in fact, I always hated it.

 

However, it became increasingly difficult to be the girl that people claimed I was. Every time there was something wrong, something I didn't like. I started to ignore my body, as if it was just a waste of space and weight. I didn't treat it enough, I often didn't even wash it. I pretended not to see it in the mirror.

I tried to convince myself that I was fine, wonderfully, that this feeling was simply a mental attitude, telling me "the physical aspect doesn't matter! The important thing is what you have inside!" and blah blah blah, comme ci comme ca, useless chatter.
I'm just now thinking about the possibility that this could mean something. But I still can't look in the mirror. I don't know if I like what I see or not, I can't fully realize it.

 

Then I wondered if I could be Non-binary. It was "enlightening". It helped me a lot to understand the difference between sex and gender, expression and identity.
Except that I still have doubts, it still doesn't convince me. I don't know what doubts they are, but they are getting worse. The more time passes, the more I feel my masculine side coming out. Only that it has not yet come out completely.
I am aware that labels are not indispensable, but changing my mind every day, not knowing whether these doubts are true or not, whether I am a trans, non-binary, FtM or simply a snowflake or a Cis person with many problems is becoming very stressful.

I want to understand. I wish I could do something.
But I still have so much garbage in my head that I still have to get rid of.
It could take years. I wish I could speed up the process.
Or at least vent me with someone who can understand.

[Jani]

D. Grey I am sorry to read of your troubles.  First let me say to take care of yourself.  As it has been said "...you're all you've got" so be kind to yourself.  

 

You are correct about labels.  You do not have to label yourself or even be concerned about them.  Be you.  Even before I transitioned I saw that my thought process was part feminine, part masculine.  As a teen I thought of my self as androgynous, though I never told anyone since it wouldn't matter to them.  It served me well through life and I saw it as good.  Society is such that a woman can easily move between the two genders without scrutiny.  Just look around at how they dress, for example.  Same thing with activities and professions.  So different for males. 

 

You say you have been in therapy but I would suggest that you seek out a Gender Therapist as someone who could help you focus on your questions.  

 

Jani 

[Jackie C.]

Therapy isn't quick, unfortunately. It sounds like you're taking some steps onto the right path though. I'd very much recommend taking better care of yourself. I find that it helps to manage depression without anti-depression medication (which scares the glitter right off me... I'm still dressed for the gym, my headscarf has sequins on it. Don't judge. ?).

 

Congratulations on figuring out who you are. I know gay, straight, bi-gendered, asexual and trans people from going out into the community. They're all wonderful. Be the best you that you can be.

 

Seriously though, living authentically is easily the hardest and best thing I've ever done. I wish you all the luck and you can always talk to us here. No judgments. We might not always have the BEST advice (hey, we're all human here), but we'll always try. Best of luck.

 

Hugs!

[D.Grey]

19 hours ago, Jani said:

You say you have been in therapy but I would suggest that you seek out a Gender Therapist as someone who could help you focus on your questions.  

I was wondering if anyone had information on Gender Therapists working online.
In Italy the Gender Therapist is a non-existent figure (I admit I had a bitter laugh when you recommended it). There are generic therapists more or less informed on gender issues, (also because a psychiatric examination is mandatory to start any hormonal operations or therapy. The laws on this date back to 1982) but there is no official figure.
It makes me very sad...

[Jani]

I don't know much about Italian protocols in therapy but hopefully you can search online for therapists.  Might there be a society that they belong too (such as the APA) to search for members and qualifications?

 

I googled "therapists in Italy" and found this.  https://internationaltherapistdirectory.com/listings/italy-1/

 

Jani