Overthinking?

[Janae]

So today I decided that I wanted to get some new underwear.  My wife came with me, and we started out around 10 this morning.  Instead of looking specifically what outlet mall had the store I was looking for, I just went to one near by (and of course they did not have the store).  Now, it’s not that I really needed a new bra, but probably 8 months or so ago, I finally found the “perfect bra” for me.  I went through a lot of bras before I found “my bra”. Fortunately this bra comes in a lot of colors and I have been slowly adding to my drawer.  Anyway, silly me assumed that the internet price also applied to the brick and mortar price.  Well, it was like 4 pm until I finally found the store, and by this time I was not about to leave without something to show for my efforts.  $80 poorer, a new bra and 4 panties, I think my wife is mad at me for spending that kind of money.  (Same thing ordering online would have been $50.)  I could have ordered online, but I do like shopping, and it is nice to actually see what it is you are buying. Or I could have just gone to a department store and likely got the same things for even less if they were on sale.
She hasn’t really said anything about the shopping trip to me, but idk it’s like a vibe I get.  It’s kind of the same sort of thing I think I get while dressed as a woman in the house.  We have talked about me dressing, and she says “if that makes me happy she is fine” but I still wonder if she really is?  Am I overthinking all this, and does anyone have these kind of thoughts?  I.e., I guess second guessing and wondering what others are really thinking?  Hope I am making some sense with all this rambling. 
 

Janae

 

[VickySGV]

You are not overthinking really, and what I am going to suggest though is going to cost a bit more money, but it will be worth it.  The suggestion is for both of you to go to a gender therapist so that both of you can learn some better communication with each other.  I can see her being miffed at the $30. overspend, not to mention the driving around, and it is fine for her to tell you that. Do not assume that silence is always in your favor.  At the same time, do learn to laugh together when some relative minor things go wrong.  Couples therapy can be a wonderful adventure and not a sign of an impending disaster.

[NB Adult]

I can relate to Janae's complaint. My wife and I stopped in JCPenney for a particular brand and size of women's jeans I prefer, my spouse became more agitated the further into the women's section we went, so I finally said skip it and we went home. I went back yesterday on my own and got what I wanted. I suspect that regardless of what they may say, wives hold a deep seated resentment over us shopping in what they consider their domain. Of course the women sales clerks could care less who buys, it's their job to provide satisfactory customer service. 

 

On another note, I would have ordered them online but alas Penney's is tech backwards like (Sears was) and they fail to list some of the inventory that people most commonly buy and their site shows out of stock when in reality they have an overstock in jeans inventory. Seven last words of a failed business, "We never did it that way before!" It killed Sears when that management refused to update and take advantage of internet marketing. 

[KymmieL]

In the over 34 years of marriage. I have learned that Vicky is correct. Don't assume that silence nor the phrase "What ever makes you happy" is a good thing. Along with "Do what you want" Can be detrimental. 

 

My wife has never gone cloths shopping with me for any of my feminine wardrobe. I normally go myself. While I used to be the scared y cat and rush get something that I think will fit then leave. Now I take my time and actually shop. look at styles, colors, sizes. Finding the right one I want. If anyone sees oh well. I am a female shopping in the woman's section. so what. deal with it.

 

Kymmie

[NB Adult]

In my 51 years of marriage, yes I get that and could probably write a booklet of phrases and responses from spouses that need to never be taken literally and should evoke a CAUTION sign to pop up in one's brain. First on the list begins with a single word, "Whatever!"

[Susan R]

14 hours ago, Janae said:

Am I overthinking all this, and does anyone have these kind of thoughts?

You aren't overthinking this at all.  In a previous life, I lost a girlfriend in part because I was in exploration mode with my living life as a woman.  I spent way too much on myself relative to what I bought my then girlfriend.  After we split we were able to remain good friends for a time.  She told me directly that this disparity of buying "things" for myself was one of the major issues in our long time relationship.  I have since remedied this by making sure I always get something for my wife if I need to get something I need.  It's a small price to pay for happiness in our marriage and she seems to be happy with our little "unspoken" shopping relationship.

 

Susan R?

[ShawnaLeigh]

All this advice is gold!

But when do we get to act like they do when they shop?  My wife shops 10000x more then I do and has multiple closets and 20 some odd totes full of brand new clothing.  Three dresser tops loaded with jewelry plus a huge 4x4 foot cork board she pins up necklaces and stuff.  Its like a mini department store in our bedroom.  I don't even have my own dresser and one rack in the closet.  Shoe?  Heh.  200 plus pairs of everything.  

She is worth every piece to me and I support her shopping whole heartedly.

We need a new house already for our stuff.  LOL

 

I just am thinking of what our future would be when I start my collection.  ???

Will I get the brow beatings as I am picking threw the racks one aisle over?  I'm bigger then she is so we wont compete for stuff off the rack at least..

 

But yes I agree.  Even though we are all women we still don't get to out trump our wives...

[VickySGV]

3 hours ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

But when do we get to act like they do when they shop? 

 

This is why my suggestion for couples therapy, that is one of the questions the TWO of you get to answer, and the therapy route is shorter than the dance around each other all over a 40 acre mall!

 

[ShawnaLeigh]

50 minutes ago, VickySGV said:

 

This is why my suggestion for couples therapy, that is one of the questions the TWO of you get to answer, and the therapy route is shorter than the dance around each other all over a 40 acre mall!

 

If we make it past me coming out I plan to suggest this very thing.  It is covered under my insurance.  

[Janae]

Thank you all for your wisdom, and support. I do appreciate it. 
 

Janae

[Janae]

Update,

 

We had a good discussion.  After really thinking about what was said, the issue here is that my wife thinks Janae has taken over as the person that makes me happy rather than her.  So for example wearing women’s clothing makes me happier and feeling better than for instance being intimate with her. (Was the example she gave)  I tried to assure her that she is still number one, and nothing is going to replace her.  But I can see this is difficult for her.  
Things are better after we talked, and I think just keeping communication open is going to be key. I mentioned therapy to her once before when I came out to her, but she said we don’t need that. Perhaps with time she will be more open to that idea.

It has been so long for me to keep my feminine side bottled up.  I can’t put her back. 
I think she can be accepting, but it will take time.  Baby steps I think. 
 

Janae

[ShawnaLeigh]

3 hours ago, Janae said:

keeping communication open is going to be key

Bingo.

You have to realize she (your wife) is the important one in your life along with your real self.  Focusing on just one will hurt the other.

 

[NB Adult]

Janae, back in the day when I was dealing with spousal concerns I found that lots of long conversations were the best therapy as we worked our way through it. We did see a highly recommended marriage counselor at VA who couldn't wrap his mind around how we could possibly have any sexual intimacy given that my gonads no longer existed, therefore in his mindset there was no hope for the survival of our marriage. We noticed how his young female intern looked away and smiled when he voiced that opinion, she understood as we did that his male mind was incapable of accepting that a loving relationship could possibly survive without penetrative sex. Sometimes manhood can be such a crippling condition! My spouse said, we're done here. We went home and vowed to keep up our own talk therapy with lengthy heartfelt conversations between just the two of us. No one else can live our lives for us. We've had 51 anniversaries and are still going strong.

[Janae]

Thank you NB!  ❤️
 

Janae