Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Alice K

A recent awakening, and trying to sort things out

Recommended Posts

Alice K

Hi everyone.


My name's Alice (for now). I was AMAB, and have spent the better part of the last 35ish years not really questioning that much. But these past few months it feels like a floodgate has opened and I'm being drawn to the feminine side of the spectrum, and I can't stop it, or hold it back anymore. As much as I've tried to not, I just keep thinking about it, keep feeling it, and I can't turn away. And then I stop trying to not think about it, and I do something "girly" like wear a castoff dress, or put on lip gloss or nail polish, and I feel -amazing- and happy and just... better. And then a friend online makes a comment and I have a panic attack and when I look in the mirror I just see a fat, balding, middle-aged man wearing pink lip gloss instead of the happy girl I was for a brief moment. But then, I just... can't stop thinking about it, and eventually I can't deny it, and I'll, like, shave my legs or something and just feel so wonderfully feminine again. And there was one time, before a certain friend I met online knew my secret and what I was feeling, that she invited me to a voice chat with another friend. Since everything had been text based to that point, they thought I was just plain ol' cis female. And I kept muted so they didn't hear my awful man voice and I ruin the illusion (pretended my mic was broken) but they called me Alice, and they referred to me as 'she' and 'her' and it felt so right that I cried.


But, most days, I feel like a fraud. I feel like an over privileged white male with pretensions that I can just 'decide' out of the blue that I want to be a woman, and make it so, and like so many white men before me, trample all over the struggles and trials and harsh realities that other people go through in the name of my own vanity.  And not just the women that I want to be one of, but trans women, trans people in general, who legitimately struggle with things, and don't need me doing whatever the hell I think I'm doing.


I think part of my problem is that I don't have, I guess "traditional" dysphoria. I always read about trans women identifying as girls since they were children. Or of feeling like they have the wrong body. Or heck, even just 'feeling like women'. And I don't know... what that means. I was told I was a boy when I was a child, so I was a boy. Boys have penises, so that all checked out. And then puberty hits but it doesn't feel -wrong-, just awful. Men are disgusting hairy brutes, and I turn into a disgusting hairy brute, so that all checked out. I've always hated my body, but it's never felt like it's supposed to have been different, or it is missing parts, or doesn't line up somehow. And as for feeling like a woman... how do I know what that feels like? I just feel like me. What would it feel like to be a woman?


But then, I think on it, and I've actually spent probably an unusual amount of time in my life thinking about that question. What -does- it feel like to be a woman? To have boobs, and a vagina, and periods, and estrogen instead of testosterone, and to -think- like a woman and have that perspective. I don't think most guys think about that. I don't think most guys want to find out. I don't think most guys, if given a magic button that would turn them into a natural born woman when pressed, would press that button. But I would, so where does that leave me? I poked around on this forum before joining, and I was drawn almost immediately to the HRT section, and what I found even more interesting than the talk about boob growth (sometimes, when I'm willing to admit it, I do feel an ache in my chest like maybe I am actually missing something there), what I found even more interesting than the adverse effects and warnings, is the talk about mental changes from taking estrogen. Changes to emotions, changes to perceptions, changes to feeling. I would never get a tattoo because I don't feel like I could ever pick something that I wouldn't regret, I don't even like drilling holes in things because it's a permanent, irreversible change. But reading that about HRT makes me, just, want to do it. So badly.


So... yeah, I don't know.







Share this post

Link to post
Carolyn Marie

Hi, Alice, and welcome to Trans Pulse.  Your feelings are not unusual, and most of us here have had all of them, or most of them, at some point.  I asked my first therapist point blank if I was just deluding myself.  She assured me I was not.  So yeah, I've been there and done that.


There is a lot to discover among these forums, so I encourage you to look around, ask questions, and post your heart out.  We'll do our best to support you and never, ever judge you.  We are all different, but all the same.  Welcome aboard!




Carolyn Marie

Share this post

Link to post

Hi Alice, and welcome! 


I can totally relate, to the overthinking. When I started questioning my gender again about a year ago, I spent a lot of time thi thinking about it. I still do! I'm so happy and excited to be transitioning. It's like the most exciting thing I've done with my life. I love being transgender, I love our community. I think about it all the time. 


You're not a fraud! You're at the beginning of exploring yourself. Privilege has nothing to do with it. Trans people come from all class, kind and creed of people. We all started exploring in ways that seemed trivial ie dressing up and 'pretending, dipping our toes in the water! There's nothing wrong with that, it's totally valid. Whether you find out you're trans, or non-binary, or not.


You don't need to have dysphoria to be in the transgender spectrum. And it's ok if you didn't know (like as a child). I had a number of moments as a kid that, in retrospect, speak to how I felt not the gender I was born. But I never thought I was a female. I'm just old enough that I didn't openly have access to the information to help me understand (such as is available via the internet today) and as such had no dialogue about it. In my teens and twenties I identified as androgynous, and that felt good! But later in my twenties, I feared I would be discriminated against, so I felt forced to go back in the closet. These things happen. 


I can only speculate from what you said. But just the fact that you're questioning and intrigued to research speaks to your motivation to explore yourself, whether you are or aren't. So don't hold back, explore! I suggest finding a therapist who specializes in gender issues. And having a dialogue with the community, such as ours. Learn from the experiences of others. We're happy you are here with us Alice 💕



Share this post

Link to post

Hi Alice, pleased to meet you :) I recognise your struggle - if you go back to the beginning of my blog it echoes much of what you have said above, my gender just wasn't something I thought about until I turned 40 and my marriage dissolved, though I have dressed and "pretended" most of my life in secret, because I was ashamed. From the support here I have found it okay to ask my questions and share my thoughts and feelings - I honestly joined hoping that after sharing my story I would find that I did not fit in, and that the question of gender would go away when I found I didn't belong.

Turns out I am not as alone as I thought I was and there are many wonderful people here who have had their own experiences some of which will be similar to yours but importantly will give you the space without judgement to find out what it all means for you. 

Share this post

Link to post
Alice K

Hi everyone, and thank you for the responses. Even the limited time I've been on the forums already has been amazingly helpful. I get the feeling that I'm going to be a mess for... a while. This is all new and terrifying and part of me really hates it and wants it to go away. But the genie's not going back in the bottle. This is who I am.


Here's sort of the paradox I'm dealing with right now:

I feel like a girl. I don't know what being a girl feels like.


I don't have the language or frame of reference to even explain that better. I'm not even really sure I know what I'm trying to say.


I know what being a man feels like, whether I want to or not. But then, sometimes that feels like Plato's cave, and that's all just testosterone and shadows on the wall. It's not reality, I just think it is because it's all I know and I've never questioned it. Like ToniTone said, growing up there wasn't exactly an amazing amount of available information. My mom let me watch The Rocky Horror Picture Show when I was probably too young for it, but that's hardly an educational tool even for crossdressing. But that's about all there really was that I was exposed to, and even that was a bit more about ridicule than acceptance.


So I may not know what it's like to be a girl, and I may have been chastised by friends (the one who knows, sadly, but also indirectly several who don't) for tying my explorations to things like clothes and makeup which are "societal constructs and not what being a woman is about". Maybe not, but I feel better about myself when I do it. But even when I don't wear anything girly, I feel better about myself just thinking of myself as Alice, as a girl, as she and her. And today at least, I feel good about that (tomorrow I will probably feel like a fraud again). It's a place to start, and the rest is part of the adventure.



Share this post

Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   5 Members, 0 Anonymous, 140 Guests (See full list)

    • Xx~Laurel~xX
    • MetaLicious
    • VickySGV
    • Aidan5
    • Miseria
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
    • Total Posts
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
    • Most Online

    Newest Member
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. ChristinaAnne
      (36 years old)
    2. Guiseppe_Tartini
      (31 years old)
  • Posts

    • Kate Carter
      Thanks for the welcome Shawna! Yes,  I go back and forth all the time on whether to keep growing it out or give up and shave it again.  By failed,  do you mean it was just too thinned out?  I got a lot of hair to come back,  but I’m not sure if it’s going to eventually grow out normally,  or stay kind of short and wispy.  A lot of people post initial excitement about new hair growth,  but you never hear from them again about results after a few years.  I take it to mean it doesn’t typically go well,  or there would be more stories of success out there besides one heavily recycled story.     Good luck with wig purchase,  I suppose the weather IS much more forgivIng for wig wear in Vermont.   Kate
    • DonnaBall
      Belle, my wife says the same thing about "listening to the world" and "Satins lies".  I can't get her to read any information about transgender as all that is from the world and all psychologists are wrong, without even reading what they say.  She wants a separation and not a divorce and that's okay with me as we are keeping our commitment to God, except it will be very costly financially.  We had a comfortable life on our income but now living separately will eat up every bit of discretionary income we had.   I am 74 so I have no plans to re-marry and she doesn't want want to take a chance on another man.  I would not want to put another woman through this either.  I envy the ladies here who have wives that are even somewhat cooperative.  When religion is important to a wife, there is no chance, and I know that my wife loves me very much as I do her, by the way she is treating me pre-separation as she prepares to find another place to live and there is much sadness that we will miss each other dearly and are clinging to each other and affectionate daily.  I hope that this will be your situation too if you do part.  At least you can look forward to being the real you.  Donna
    • Susan R
      We are lucky to have you.  You not only add to that diversity but you help continue to build our little community.   Susan R🌷
    • Tristantulaine
      Thank you all.  I have been reading through a few threads already and I like how diverse this community seems to be.  I am glad to be here with all of you!
    • Susan R
      Hello Lily, it’s nice to have you aboard.  Congrats on getting past your fear and making your first thread here describing a bit about yourself.  It wasn’t as bad as you thought was it?  Just try not to think too far ahead as it can seem more overwhelming than it really is especially in the beginning.  You can do what’s comfortable for you in small incremental steps.  You set your own timeline and your therapist can help you if you get stuck.  No one here will ever pressure you in any way and there’s no competition.  We are here to offer support in any way we can.  I think you’ll slowly find this forum to be a safe place for you to share or ask questions as you need.   Warmest Regards, Susan R🌷
    • Susan R
      Hi Michelle, this is very good news.  Sounds as though you may have found yourself a good therapist that has made you feel very comfortable about who you are.  They can make all the difference especially in the beginning when the unknown and unexpected are always right around the corner.  Counseling should be able to keep you grounded along with the other support you’ll soon be getting once you come out to a few whom you can trust.  You’re well on your way now and you can always think back on this first visit with a big smile on your face.   Thanks for sharing, Susan R🌷
    • Aidan5
      That is great news! A great first step, therapists are honestly life savers and make you think in other ways you would never had thought of, I honestly love my therapist and can tell her anything that is going through my brain, she also will tell me if I am wrong though, very reliable.    Keep us updated on your journey, I would love to hear more!
    • Aidan5
      Howdy! Welcome to the forum!! we welcome you with open arms and minds! Feel free to message me whenever if you ever need someone to talk to, or just need a friend
    • Aidan5
      Howdy Lily! We welcome you to the forum with open arms and minds!   Please feel welcome to message me if you ever need someone to talk to in private, I do my best to cheer up others and just be a friend in general
    • Susan R
      Hello Tristan, I think you are only a few steps away from starting to realize that hope.  I bet in no time you’ll read a story or two that ring true for you in so many ways.  I know I have.  Every journey is as unique as the individuals who experience them but there’s solace in the fact that others are trying to figure things out here like you are.  You’ve joined a forum that works hard to support it’s members by sharing our experiences, our knowledge and precious time.  You get what you put into the process so please join in the conversation whenever you can.  Thank you for taking the risk and putting yourself out there.  We look forward to reading more about your journey thus far and in the future.   My Best, Susan R🌷
    • Miseria
      Salutations and welcome to quote a song I like "It's not too late It's never too late" Enjoy your stay🎵
    • secondlook
      I've spent the past week on pins and needles waiting for my first therapist appointment to finally come, hoping that it would feel like a step forward, and honestly, it was pretty much exactly what I hoped it would be. Some real talk, some affirmation, and offers of guidance before I could even ask the question. I wanted to hear optimistic realism, and that's what I heard.   I keep waiting for that moment when I ask myself what the heck I'm doing and why I'm pursuing this course, and so far, it hasn't happened. I've had borderline crippling doubt about every big decision in my life, except this one.
    • Miseria
      Salutations Tristan, as someone still on their journey I can only say take your time and explore ypurself. Step by step be they leaps or bounds, baby steps or even down to a crawl... The direction is to the truest you that you can be.
    • Miseria
      Salutations and welcome Lily, hopefully you can find some peace of mind and learn of yourself as well as others... The time to grow is now bit by bit🎵
    • Willow
      Well, I suffered for years not knowing or understanding how I felt or why.  Depression, anger and periodic “needs” involving being feminine.     When things got too bad to deal with I finally sought help.  It didn’t take long for my therapist to figure me out.  I am on hrt but no plans for gcs.     like others here, could I forget who I am?  No way.  Could I stop everything that I’ve done since ?  Not likely.  But, I am not full time.  That’s because my wife of 48 years is not happy about this but I don’t desire to let things go.  Lastly, I’m not ready to come out completely.   Could I go back to being cis, not likely.  At least not without bringing back extreme depression.
  • Upcoming Events

  • Create New...