Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Introductions, Hellos, Messy Personal History Stuff, etc.


AnAnxiousMess

Recommended Posts

CW: talk of anorexia, dysmorphia and dysphoria, questioning

So... yeah. Hi and hello.

 

My name is Andrea (not really, not legally, but perhaps one day). I've been lurking for a while, debating whether or not to stick my foot in this forum's door—if I belong and if there's a place for me here. In other words, probably (like with most things in my life) overthinking, well, everything. But it's time.

 

I *think* I belong here. I'm pretty sure I do. Like... 95% positive, but still experiencing flashes of doubt—of "why do I feel this way, am I really thinking of potentially blowing up parts of my life to follow this through," and the like. I'm sure many of you know how it is. I hope so, anyway, because being the only one to feel this way would, well, suck.

 

For reference: I'm a 38-year-old asexual, white, male-bodied writer/editor, and, well, trans. I'm also nonbinary, and while that best describes how I feel and identify on the inside, I -desperately- wish I had a feminine body. As in, it's almost all I think about some days. But I've long struggled with identifying outright as trans for a number of reasons, and I'm curious how many, if any, of you can relate. First, because of the nonbinary angle. I feel, deep in my guts, that were I to transition tomorrow, I would still want to ID as enby. It feels *right* in terms of where my brain and heart are and have always been, but then I wonder: If that's the case, is it enough to simply crave a feminine body to also ID as trans? I've heard the refrain on Twitter, "If you want to just be a girl (or guy) you can be a girl (or guy)," but there's a needling part of my brain that wants to know if the wanting is enough. Because, of course, there are gatekeepers everywhere, especially with respect to levels of dysphoria.

 

And for the record, I do have some measure of gender dysphoria. It started when I was only five and has popped up here and there, but was never anything extreme or debilitating. The only time in my youth that I had an extreme situation in that respect is when in twelfth grade I succumbed to pretty severe body dysmorphia and anorexia, and damn near killed myself (not via a suicide attempt but from dropping to a dangerously low weight). That was twenty years ago, and only just now have I started to really overcome the eating disorder's stranglehold. How? By starting to look at the body I have as *not* what I want or wish for. Because the things I'm most critical of in a male body, or at least in mine, are some of the things I appreciate most in a feminine body, and find myself even wishing I had. But I don't know if that sort of dysmorphia falls under gender dysphoria as well or if it's something different.

 

The uncertainty has popped up in other ways, too. I've struggled with adopting trans full-stop because, to be blunt, parts of my body have always felt wrong or alien, but not the whole. Like, I have spent a lifetime wishing for a different lower half, even going so far as to wish something horrible would happen to my genitalia to *force* doctors to have to just, you know, give me the opposite (I know, a silly fantasy, but still), but have never found myself wishing I had breasts beyond how much better they might fill out a dress or offset my wider-than-I'd-like shoulders.

 

But over the past six months or so, I've started to accept more and more that this is or might be enough—that I am, in fact, maybe, possibly, trans. And every bit of makeup, every bit of non-male-coded clothing I've brought into my life thus far (and yes, I fully know it's so, so much more than just what you put on) has felt just... right. Like, deep-in-the-core-of-me right. I've told a handful of trusted friends and chosen family, most of whom either saw something like this coming from a mile away and claim they were just waiting for the day (apparently I give off a lot of femme energy, which I'm not complaining about at all but is... interesting, when you've never been aware of it yourself), but some who, upon hearing, said they didn't see it coming per se but that it actually brings into focus a lot of disparate aspects of myself and how I move through the world.

 

And yet.

 

I still find myself asking: Is it enough? To be even more blunt about it, am I trans enough? Is there such a thing? Have I written far too much and lost most of you by this point? Is it enough to have spent a not-small portion of your childhood and early adulthood imagining how if your life went to hell and you had to leave it all behind, that you would disappear to some northern European nation where nobody knows you and simply start living as a woman? Is that compulsion enough, or do I have to have been coming apart at the seams, aching to be seen as I want to be, in a body not of my birth gender?

 

*sigh* Hopefully some of this makes sense. Thank you, anyone who's read this far. I'd love to get to know some of you, and hear from you.

Link to comment
  • Admin

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Andrea.  If you've been lurking for a while, I don't have to encourage you to look around; you've already done that.  What I will encourage you to do is post your thoughts and questions as often as you can, because that's the best way to learn, and also the best way to get to know us, and vice versa.

 

To answer a couple of your questions:  there is no litmus test for belonging, there is no bar to climb over or measure yourself against.  Everyone's journey is different, but it is a question we get a lot.  I knew what I wanted and who I wanted to be as far back as I can remember (which is pretty damn far).  Some folks don't have that realization until they're nearly an adult.  Most folks I know had terrible dysphoria, but I didn't.  That didn't mean I wasn't trans, but because I didn't I questioned my motives and my authenticity, just as you're doing.  So yes, it all makes sense to me.

 

As you'll hear often around here, what you probably need most is time with a gender therapist to help you sort through all those feelings, doubts, and experiences.  But that's for another day.  Today, just get a feel for this place, and know we'll be here to support you, and know we won't ever judge you.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

Link to comment

Welcome Andrea. I think we all have doubts and question our feelings at some point, I know I do. It comes and goes though.
 

As Carolyn mentioned, a therapist helps. I don’t have have major dysphoria either, and what dysphoria I do have didn’t really kick in until my mid 30’s, though I had some inklings something was up since I was a kid. We all awaken or “crack our egg” at different times. 
 

So continue to post and share, we’ll do the same and hopefully we will all continue to grow and find help and comfort among the TP family. 
 

*hugs*

Link to comment

First I would like to welcome you and congratulate you for stepping forward here.  Like the others said. You stated you have lurked on and off and most likely have seen at least some ray of hope here to finally join and post.  It was not a mistake let me assure you.  This place has helped me so much I can not begin to explain it all.  

While reading your post I said to myself "I had very similar thoughts and feelings".  I can see that it is a huge mind twist for you at times, and others its not.  Like me.  I have the same fears of destroying a life I had built, a marriage, a home.  Looking towards an uncertain future both emotionally and financially.  I feel guilty for this most days as I feel "I am" doing this to everyone else. Me!  I'm making life hard for others. Then I realize I am doing this to simply be Me. Not doing anything to hurt others or destroy anything maliciously.  Just trying be me.  Which there is nothing wrong with being.  Everyone else CIS gets to be who they are naturally, and accepted fully without question, why not us?

As Carolyn had said.  There is no benchmark or line to cross to being trans or whatever term you wish to use.  There are many to describe us folks here but none of us truly like to be labeled so I try not to.  No guide lines for sure on how to fee,l and when to feel or what to do.  Its a feeling in your heart and soul that nags at your brain to get with the program.  Your brain knows all about you inside.  It just tries to protect and keep you on a path of least resistance.  Safety.  Survival.   For many it is finally survival that convinces us we have to make this change.  Regardless of the fall out.  Or we could literally die from it.  At least to me it was.  

It took me a good part of four decades to come to terms with it.  Even after coming out to some family and my wife I questioned if I was really a MTF candidate.  What the hell was I doing? If I could really be a women on the outside too?  I had so many confusing thoughts on who I was inside, I knew a big part was female but then again I knew male at some level too and always just covered it up on the outside.  Doing what was "safe and acceptable to others".  Always worried about "others" and what they though of me as a person.  Even while being fully male.  

My journey has been full of discovery.  As I am sure most could attest to.  Everyone is different in how they proceed, what they want, and will do and not do.  I have seen great strides in some folks here that came in just like you not knowing what the heck was going on.  Heck I have only been here a month or so. 

So read more and ask much.  Accept others and I know we will you.  Help where you can as it is therapeutically to be helpful while seeking your own answers.  None of us are therapist as far as I know but we ALL have been there, or ARE there, and going through the same things, just at different rates and times.  It's a family to me.

TransPulse is an accepting place for all of those people and more.  

 

 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Welcome Andrea. It took time for me to find a path to peace with my gender issues.  There is certaonly a place for you here!  You are much as i was, unsure and unable to make even the smallest step.  I found that my time here and therapy has helped me immensely.   Hope you find the same.

You are not alone.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Link to comment

Hello Andrea. Welcome. I got here going through a similar process of feelings, dysphoria, convincing myself that I was asexual, etc.

I'm kind of in the middle of where I'd like to be: accepting myself as female inside, understanding that nearly age 70 this body has had 60 years of testosterone that isn't going to go away easily, realizing that I can become more feminine but will still look like a football linebacker.

So I'm aiming to get to a happy place for me.

I'm sure you'll find friends, answers, questions and things to think about here.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Salutations!

 

I just wanted to welcome you to the fold and mention that, yes, I've had the "howling at the moon, wishing so hard you were female that you thought you might just burst" feelings too. I also had a similar experience with my friends. I came out to them and they basically said, "Well, duh," and we got back to what we were doing. They're good people.

 

So yeah, I've completely embraced my femininity and haven't looked back. It hasn't blown up a lot of my life, but there's no guarantee that parts of my life wouldn't have blown up anyway. I was pretty self-destructive, that did plenty of damage all by itself. There aren't any sure things in life, so you need to reach for whatever happiness you can.

 

I hope you have a lovely time here. Best wishes and welcome!

 

Hugs!

Link to comment

Thank you, all, for the warm and kind responses, and for sharing a little of your own experiences. I'm sure I don't have to say it but I will anyway (because I'm nothing if not repetitive), but it's great to know that even in the minutiae of my experiences I'm not alone, and that there is so much commonality among us.

 

I already feel welcome here. And while it'll be a while before I can see a gender therapist specifically, I do have a therapist (mostly for anxiety and eating disorders) with whom I am able to discuss aspects of my gender ID and journey. It's not the most desired in that sense, I'm sure, but I will take kind and educated ears wherever I can get them.

 

Thank you again. I want to say more but am still processing so much. So I'll just express all the gratitude I can and say, sincerely, that I hope to get to know a great many of you as I continue to browse what this forum has to offer.

Link to comment

Hi Andrea, welcome. After reading all the responses above, I can relate to something each person said that relates to me.  I’ve been on my journey for nearly 70 years and only within the past few years have accepted myself as transgender.

 

I’m pretty much out to my wife but not really to others around me. I feel feminine inside and have to present other wise on the outside. 

 

Give yourself time to sort things out.  This sight has helped me tremendously and I know you will feel the same soon as well.

 

For me, I have accepted who I am and am happy.

 

Take care and hugs.

 

Sandra

Link to comment

Welcome Andrea. As a fellow lurker for quite a while before posting and reading others posts on here, I came to realize finally who was in this 70 yr old male body. I am sure as you continue your journey and exploration of yourself that you will find who is within as well.

There is no rush to find out as time and searching within, will disclose that for you. So sit back, listen to your mind and body, ask questions, read, and you will find the new you.

 

Everyone here is a great source of experience and information, just take advantage of it, as we who came after have. :)

 

Welcome aboard.

 

Big Canadian Hug

JoniSteph

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   8 Members, 0 Anonymous, 226 Guests (See full list)

    • Ashley0616
    • Mmindy
    • MaryEllen
    • LucyF
    • Tiffany 838
    • SamC
    • MaeBe
    • Ivy
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.7k
    • Total Posts
      768.4k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,029
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Selkimur
    Newest Member
    Selkimur
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Anyatimenow
      Anyatimenow
      (23 years old)
    2. Aria00
      Aria00
    3. Ava B.
      Ava B.
      (24 years old)
    4. Claire Heshi
      Claire Heshi
    5. CrystalMatthews0426
      CrystalMatthews0426
      (41 years old)
  • Posts

    • Sally Stone
      Post 8 “The Ohio Years” We moved to Pittsburgh because of the job with US Airways.  The job involved classroom instruction and simulator training, but no actual flying, so I kept looking for an actual pilot position.  A year after signing on with US Airways I got hired to fly business jets.  The company was located in Cleveland, Ohio, but I was flown commercially from my home in Pittsburgh to where my aircraft was located, making it unnecessary to live near company headquarters.    My flight scheduled consisted of eight days on duty with seven days off.  Having seven days off in a row was great but being gone from home eight days in a row was difficult.  For the first few years the flying was fun, but after a while the eight flying days in a row, were taking their toll on me.  Those days were brutal, consisting of very long hours and a lot of flying time.  Usually, I came home exhausted and need three days just to recover from the work week.  Flying for a living is glamorous until you actually do it.  Quickly, it became just a job.    After five years as a line captain, I became a flight department manager, which required we live near company headquarters.  That meant a move to Cleveland.  Working in the office meant I was home every night but as a manager, the schedule was still challenging.  I would work in the office all week and then be expected to go out and fly the line on weekends.  I referred to it as my “5 on 2 on” schedule, because it felt as though I had no time off at all.   About the same time, we moved to Cleveland, my wife and I became “empty nesters,” with one son in the military and the other away at college.  Sadly, my work schedule didn’t leave much time for Sally.  Add to the fact that while Cleveland is an awesome city, I just never felt comfortable expressing my feminine side.  Most of my outings, and believe me there weren’t enough, occurred while I was on vacation and away from home.   One of the most memorable outings occurred over a long weekend.  I had stumbled across an online notice for a spring formal being held in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, hosted by a local trans group there.  I reached out to Willa to see if she was up for an excellent adventure.  She was, so I picked her up and we drove to Harrisburg together.    The formal was held on Saturday evening and we had the absolute best time.  It turned out that organizers were a group named TransCentralPA.  Everyone was wonderful and I made a lot of new friends that evening.  We learned the spring formal was one of the group’s annual events but for the following year, instead of a spring formal, the group wanted to do a local transgender conference.  That local conference would become the Keystone Conference, and I would attend every year for the next 12.  My move to the west coast was the only reason I stopped attending annually.  I went to the first annual Keystone Conference as an attendee, but in subsequent years I served as a volunteer and as a workshop presenter; more about those in the next installment.   For my Cleveland years, the Keystone Conference would be my major outlet for feminine self-expression.  Yes, I did get out on other occasions, but they were too infrequent.  The managerial job just didn’t allow me the freedom I needed to adequately live my feminine life, and my frustration level was slowly, but steadily on the rise.  It amazed me how adversely not being able to express the feminine half of my personality was affecting my happiness.   However, a major life change was upcoming, and while it would prove to be a significant challenge in many ways, the events would ultimately benefit my female persona.  First, my mom and dad got sick.  They were in and out of the hospital and required personal care.  My wife and I did our best but living in Cleveland, we were too far from them to give them the support they both needed.  Second, I was experiencing serious job burn out.  I decided I need to find another job and I needed to be closer to my parents.    Things changed for the better when I got hired by an aviation training company as a flight simulator instructor.  I would be training business jet pilots.  The training facility was located in New Jersey, which put us much closer to my parents, and the work schedule was much better for quality of life.  Most importantly, this life change would help Sally re-emerge and once again flower.    Hugs,   Sally       
    • Mmindy
      I made a living talking about bulk liquids in cargo tanks transportation as a driver and mechanic. Safe loading/unloading, cleaning and inspecting, as well as emergency response scenarios.   Hazmat and fire behavior in the fire service as well as emergency vehicle operations and safe driving. "It was on fire when they called you. It will be on fire when you get there." Arrive ready to work. I could also talk about firefighter behavioral  heath and the grieving process.   The real fun thing is I can do this for people who are not Truck Drivers or Fire Fighters. Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts, Citizen Tax payers about Public Safety Education.   I love public speaking,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • Mmindy
      Congratulations to the mom and family @Ivy on the addition of another child.   Hugs,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • MaeBe
      Congrats to you and yours!
    • Ashley0616
      YAY! Congratulations on a granddaughter!
    • Ashley0616
      I recommend CarComplaints.com | Car Problems, Car Complaints, & Repair/Recall Information. A lot of good information
    • LucyF
      I've got Spironolactone ___mg and Evorel ___mcg Patches (2 a week) going up to ___mg after 4 weeks 
    • Ivy
      Got a new Granddaughter this morning.  Mother and child (and father) are doing fine. This makes 7 granddaughters and one grandson.  I have 2 sons and 6 daughters myself.  And then I  switched teams.  I think this stuff runs in the family. Another hard day for the patriarchy.
    • Ivy
      Like @MaeBe pointed out, Trump won't do these things personally.  I doubt that he actually gives a rat's a$$ himself.  But he is the foot in the door for the others.   I don't really see this.  Personally, I am all in favor of "traditional" families.  I raised my own kids this way and it can work fine.  But I think we need to allow for other variations as well.   One thing working against this now is how hard it is for a single breadwinner to support a family.  Many people (I know some) would prefer "traditional" if they could actually afford it.  Like I mentioned, we raised our family with this model, but we were always right at the poverty level.   I was a "conservative evangelical" for most of my life, actually.  So I do understand this.  Admittedly, I no longer consider myself one. I have family members still in this camp.  Some tolerate me, one actually rejects me.  I assure you the rejection is on her side, not mine.  But, I understand she believes what she is doing is right - 'sa pity though. I mean no insult toward anyone on this forum.  You're free to disagree with me.  Many people do.   This is a pretty complex one.  Socialism takes many forms, many of which we accept without even realizing it.  "Classism" does exist, for what it's worth.  Always has, probably always will.  But I don't feel like that is a subject for this forum.   As for the election, it's shaping up to be another one of those "hold your nose" deals.
    • Ivy
      Just some exerts regarding subjects of interest to me.
    • Ivy
      Yeah.  In my early teens I trained myself out of a few things that I now wish I hadn't.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      I was thinking in particular of BLM, who years ago had a 'What We Believe' section that sounded like they were at war with the nuclear family.   I tried to find it. Nope.  Of interest https://www.politifact.com/article/2020/aug/28/ask-politifact-does-black-lives-matter-aim-destroy/   My time is limited and I will try to answer as I can.
    • Ivy
      Well, I suppose it is possible that they don't actually plan on doing what they say.  I'm not too sure I want to take that chance.  But I kinda expect to find out.  Yet, perhaps you're right and it's all just talk.  And anyway, my state GOP is giving me enough to worry about anyway. I remember a time when being "woke" just meant you were paying attention.  Now it means you are the antichrist. I just don't want the government "protecting" me from my personal "delusions."
    • MaeBe
      1.  I think there are some legitimate concern.   2. Thoroughly discussing this will consume many threads.   3. I disagree partially with @MaeBe but there is partial agreement.   4. The context includes what is happening in society that the authors are observing.  It is not an isolated document.   The observation is through a certain lens, because people do things differently doesn't mean they're doing it wrong. Honestly, a lot of the conservative rhetoric is morphing desires of people to be treated with respect and social equity to be tantamount to the absolution of the family, heterosexuality, etc. Also, being quiet and trying to blend in doesn't change anything. Show me a social change that benefits a minority or marginalized group that didn't need to be loud.   5. Trump, if elected, is as likely to spend his energies going after political opponents as he is to implementing something like this.   Trump will appoint people to do this, like Roger Severino (who was appointed before, who has a record of anti-LGBTQ+ actions), he need not do anything beyond this. His people are ready to push this agenda forward. While the conservative right rails about bureaucracy, they intend to weaponize it. There is no question. They don't want to simplify government, they simply want to fire everyone and bring in conservative "warriors" (their rhetoric). Does America survive 4 year cycles of purge/cronyism?   6. I reject critical theory, which is based on Marxism.  Marxism has never worked and never will.  Critical theory has problems which would need time to go into, which I do not have.   OK, but this seems like every other time CRT comes up with conservatives...completely out of the blue. I think it's reference is mostly just to spark outrage from the base. Definitely food thought for a different thread, though.   7. There are groups who have declared war on the nuclear family as problematically patriarchal, and a lot of other terms. They are easy to find on the internet.  This document is reacting to that (see #4 above).   What is the war on the nuclear family? I searched online and couldn't find much other than reasons why people aren't getting married as much or having kids (that wasn't a propaganda from Heritage or opinions pieces from the right that paint with really broad strokes). Easy things to see: the upward mobility and agency of women, the massive cost of rearing children, general negative attitudes about the future, male insecurity, etc. None of this equates to a war on the nuclear family, but I guess if you look at it as "men should be breadwinners and women must get married for financial support and extend the male family line (and to promote "National Greatness") I could see the decline of marriage as a sign of the collapse of a titled system and, if I was a beneficiary of that system or believe that to NOT be tilted, be aggrieved.   8.  Much of this would have to be legislated, and this is a policy documented.  Implementation would  be most likely different, but that does not mean criticism is unwarranted.   "It might be different if you just give it a chance", unlike all the other legislation that's out there targeting LGBTQ+ from the right, these are going to be different? First it will be trans rights, then it will be gay marriage, and then what? Women's suffrage?   I get it, we may have different compasses, but it's not hard to see that there's no place for queer people in the conservative worldview. There seems to be a consistent insistence that "America was and is no longer Great", as if the 1950s were the pinnacle of society, completely ignoring how great America still is and can continue to be--without having to regress society to the low standards of its patriarchal yesteryears.    
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Cadillac parts are pretty expensive, so repairing them costs more.  But they don't seem to break down more than other makes.  Lots of Lincoln models use Ford cars as a base, so you can get parts that aren't much more expensive.    My family has had good luck with "Panther platform" cars.  Ford Crown Victoria, Mercury Marquis, Lincoln Towncar or Continental.  4.6 V8 and 5.0 V8.  Reasonable fuel economy, and fairly durable.  Our county sheriff's office was running Chargers and SUV's for a while, but has gone back to older Crown Victorias for ease of maintenance.  GF rebuilds them here.  But they are getting more scarce, since the newest ones were made in 2011.    1992-1997 years were different than the later years.  1998-2001 they did some changes, and apparently the best years are 2003 to 2011.  Check Craigslist, and also government auctions.  GF has gotten a lot of them at auction, and they can be had in rough-but-running shape for around $1,000.  Ones in great shape can be found in the $5,000+ range.  Good for 200,000 miles without significant rebuilding.  Go through engine and transmission and electrical systems, and they go half a million.    Some Chrysler models are OK.  The 300 mostly has the same engines as the Charger and Challenger, so parts availability is pretty good.  But they tend to get timing issues.  The older Chrysler Sebring convertibles were pretty reliable, sometimes going 200,000 miles without tons of problems, although after that they were pretty much worn out. 
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...