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Rosa B

Helping friend get used to new pronouns

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Rosa B

I came out about a month ago to just three friends. Two of them have mostly gotten used to my new pronouns, except for one. I got them used to it by this method; whenever they get the pronouns wrong I wait to see if they correct themselves and if they don't and move on to saying something else i let them know they got it wrong, this has been working so far. But the one friend says that me correcting him is annoying and that he won't even try to get the pronouns right if I keep correcting him. It doesn't feel right to just do nothing, but I also don't want to annoy him. He says that he'll get used to it on his own, but I don't understand how since he won't know when he gets it wrong.

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tracy_j

It's really a difficult thing. I know it is bad to assume but as I was reading through your post I could see where it was going. My thoughts are not to push it and see how they adapt to your change. Some people, in fact probably most, find things hard to cope with. Just accepting you is a big win. One thing to realise is that if you are looking obviously female then if mis-gendered the person doing so will be making themselves stand out. Unless they are very thick skinned it will make them think, at least a little, without any prompting.  Your friend may well realise he is getting it wrong but finding things hard to get sorted in his head. It can be difficult for some people , particularly male, to apologise for getting things wrong and embarrasing to be openly corrected.

 

Although it's hard on you my approach would be to take things as they come and progress with your transition, keeping your friendship calm without stress. Good friends will be valuable and time will tell whether they will cope or not. Just support them as they need, not try to push things.

 

Tracy

 

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ShawnaLeigh

If he is doing it purposely or even by accident but over and over then joke with him and use "she/her" while referring to him.  Maybe he will notice how obvious it is.  Don't do this in spite or anger but just as a fun joke every once in a while.  Some people just need that one or two jolts to themselves to "get it" for others.

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Sally Stone

Rosa, I agree with Tracy on this one.  Your coming out/transition is just as hard on others as it is on you, so, it's important to be patient.  In the end, you can't force anyone else to change; they have to want to change, so I suggest you give your friend time. 

 

Hugs,

 

Sally 

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Jackie C.
On 12/8/2019 at 5:15 PM, Rosa B said:

I came out about a month ago to just three friends. Two of them have mostly gotten used to my new pronouns, except for one. I got them used to it by this method; whenever they get the pronouns wrong I wait to see if they correct themselves and if they don't and move on to saying something else i let them know they got it wrong, this has been working so far. But the one friend says that me correcting him is annoying and that he won't even try to get the pronouns right if I keep correcting him. It doesn't feel right to just do nothing, but I also don't want to annoy him. He says that he'll get used to it on his own, but I don't understand how since he won't know when he gets it wrong.

 

So usually all I ask of people is that they try. Unfortunately, it sounds like your friend isn't trying very hard. I'd stop correcting him (I never correct anyone), but I would take him aside and have a heart to heart. Once I had him alone, I'd explain that it hurts me when he gets my pronouns wrong and explain that it increases the personal risk of violence to me when he gets my pronouns wrong in public. Then I'd ask nicely if he'd try a little harder to keep me safe. Then I'd probably make doe eyes because I can't help myself from being over-the-top sometimes.

 

Hugs!

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ShawnaLeigh
1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

 

So usually all I ask of people is that they try. Unfortunately, it sounds like your friend isn't trying very hard. I'd stop correcting him (I never correct anyone), but I would take him aside and have a heart to heart. Once I had him alone, I'd explain that it hurts me when he gets my pronouns wrong and explain that it increases the personal risk of violence to me when he gets my pronouns wrong in public. Then I'd ask nicely if he'd try a little harder to keep me safe. Then I'd probably make doe eyes because I can't help myself from being over-the-top sometimes.

 

Hugs!

Good advice.  Especially the Doe yes.  Lol

you make me giggle  just about every time❤️

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Guest JBabe

I agree with you, Jackie C, on this. I was giggling, too. Mostly because I use the same tactic quite frequently. 😜

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Laura76

If friends are a challenge with misgendering,  think of what it is like when your wife/spouse/partner continually refers to you using former gender profiles, "him/his/he/husband, or use your former male name when your wife talks with others.

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