Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Understanding My Crossdressing


Robin68

Recommended Posts

Hello All,

First, I am not writing this because I feel uncomfortable with my crossdressing. Instead, my aim is to name and perhaps better understand the deeper feelings driving my desire to cross-dress. While I think many crossdressers share common feelings and experiences, I don't think we all do it for the same reasons. In my own case, I am an older person looking back at how it fits into the context of my life. I think my life experiences are different than what many younger folks have had to face. Like many others, my crossdressing was an experiment to address deep feelings of body dysmorphia. But unlike many younger MtF, I lacked any vocabulary for describing how my outsides did not match my insides for many years. I did not learn that it was even possible to be transgender until I entered my early 20s.

 

In the early 1970s, I had heard of drag queens but never knew that it was possible to change one's body with hormones and surgery until I stumbled upon images and stories of such people in magazines. It was almost instant when I discovered this that I felt the deep awakening of an inner desire. How perfect it would be to transform myself this way, I thought. But I was also quite embarrassed by these impulses. I have written elsewhere about my early bio and how I was very much a  cis and drawn to feminine things. But after reading this in my early 20s, I did not know how to describe my feelings to anyone. I visited local gay bars and watched drag shows which didn't really appeal to me but I also encountered a few transsexuals. I met them but never got to really know them.

 

It was about that time that I started trying on women's clothing. I had a friend who never knew I secretly went into his mother's bedroom and would try on her underwear and nylons. I later tried on the dress of a female friend and of course it was way too small for me. But the thought of dressing as a woman would not leave me. I lived alone in Washington D.C. at the time and it was then that I started shopping for women's clothes in large sizes. I bought wigs and shoes. I also bought hair removal cream for my body. I had never tried to apply makeup to my face but I did then. My first attempts were terrible but I worked on perfecting it. My early sensations dressing as a woman seemed to draw out something suppressed that I had not known. There was a sense of being rounded and complete and there was a sense of being emotionally vulnerable in a way I had not experienced before. 

 

The intensity of the transformation meant that emotion and  sexuality  swirled throughout me. But I feared I would be caught on the street and that I would be arrested. I feared I would be exposed. There was shame in all of this and I felt very alone. As a result, I stopped doing it. But that was never a solution because I could not stop the impulses and I always went back to doing it all again. This is how I have lived until now. But I have also come to accept my crossdressing. It is a major part of me. I hold it out and declare it my own. It is why I think I am overdue for a change. I feel I am ready to transition to a woman full time and with this transformation I feel ready for HRT. I know I must get gender counselling. This is where crossdressing has brought me. It may not be the same for you but I wanted to share pieces of my heart and my experiences. Thank you!

 

Hugs,

Robin 

Link to post
  • Forum Moderator

Thank you for sharing Robin.  Your story sounds much the same as mine.  In the 60's and 70's i had no idea that transition was possible but i would dress when possible.  I felt both elation and shame.  Through the 80's and 90's i just concentrated on work.  Eventually i built myself a little world where i could be myself in a "larger closet".  Anytime i looked online i saw dressing as a part of a sexual fantasy.  I went to some gay bars as myself but wasn't a drag queen and felt out of place.  At one point i met some others like myself.  Later in sobriety i again went on line and found this site.  I went to therapy and at 63 i went full time.  I'm 71 now and enjoying life as myself.  Fear and shame has gone and after a lifetime i have found some peace with my gender issues.

We can be ourselves now as never before.  Being open and honest helped me.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Link to post

Hi Charlize,

Your words give me hope! I am 68 now and I feel very much ready to blossom as you have. Thank you for your support.

 

Hugs,

 

Robin

Link to post
  • Forum Moderator
10 hours ago, Robin68 said:

I stopped doing it. But that was never a solution because I could not stop the impulses and I always went back to doing it all again. This is how I have lived until now. But I have also come to accept my crossdressing.

I read so often about the intensity of the urge to crossdress on TG forums.  Like others, I would feel guilty when I crossdressed but what bothered me almost as much, was the feeling of complete defeat every time I gave in to that desire.  It’s so difficult to be honest with ourselves for many reasons especially when we are young, vulnerable, and have no one to discuss our urges.  At eleven, I actually thought I was the only person in the world who crossdressed.  I didn’t really have any idea what I was doing, why I was doing it, how to handle it, and no one to talk to about it (pre-internet)

 

Once you accept that it is an ingrained integral part of our being and that we have been stigmatized by a society who judges out of ignorance, we can begin to accept ourselves.  After my accepting myself and moving forward with my transition, like @Charlize said, “Fear and shame has gone and after a lifetime i have found some peace with my gender issues.”

 

Not that it matters, but I believe that you will be one of the many who do “blossom” and find that inner peace in their transition.  There are so many similarities in your early steps to this point that I think you’re on the right path.

 

I wish you the best,

Susan R?

Link to post
1 hour ago, Susan R said:

Once you accept that it is an ingrained integral part of our being and that we have been stigmatized by a society who judges out of ignorance, we can begin to accept ourselves.

Thank you Susan. I think what you have said here is the key to unlock the solution.

 

Hugs,

 

Robin 

Link to post

Ladies, you all make such great comments, and even though each of us might be on a different path, self acceptance is always the best way to start the journey.  Once I accepted the female part of my personality as real, the guilt and the shame receded, and the world became a much happier place.  I wish you all the best as your journey progresses Robin.

 

Hugs,

 

Sally  

Link to post
  • 2 weeks later...
On 12/28/2019 at 11:56 AM, Susan R said:

Once you accept that it is an ingrained integral part of our being and that we have been stigmatized by a society who judges out of ignorance, we can begin to accept ourselves.  After my accepting myself and moving forward with my transition, like @Charlize said, “Fear and shame has gone and after a lifetime i have found some peace with my gender issues.”

Susan R?

I guess it must be an integral part -- I've been trying to find something illusive but important to me during various CD'ing activities for as long as I can recall, and that's a while -- even before puberty fully set in, and gosh and golly, I'm 75 now, Darlin'. Count 'em. Stole out of Mom's lingerie drawer; modeled her old clothes out of an attic hope chest. For 40+ years in two marriages, I mostly suppressed it, but occasionally I'd be home alone.... I'd head for her chest of drawers. Now I live alone, so I shop a lot in Ebay's "sexy departments," and frequently dress like a college girl home on vacation, borrowing her brother's baggy, comfortable clothes, but underneath wearing the sheer and lacy stuff.

Until recently, it always used to be a sexual activity. From the get-go, I always imagined myself as a submissive girl/woman encountering  various categories of dominants. Eg, "Pretty girl captured by pirates, tied up, displayed and aroused." Lately, the recurring wish that floats my boat is: I'm in a fulfilling relationship with a humorous, wise and intelligent woman, and we're lovers, companions and best ever friends. [That's the one I yearn for now, but I'm too damn old for it to be fair to anyone else.]

Because of this forum and other TG sites, I'm realizing there actually is a choice, even for me. But at the moment, the hassle involved in transitioning further seems like too much trouble. Of late, the sex fantasies are subsiding, along with everything else down there. But I'm still in female underclothes, enjoying wearing them under my baggies, and puzzled as hell about it all.

Where does this path lead from here? I've only got a short walk yet to tread, I know, but that will be my own path, and I'm wondering which direction to take and what will happen next.

Thanks for reading this stream of consciousness mind dump. Voicing my truth helps me figure out what it is. A little.

Love to all, and Happy New Decade, Friends

Leah

Link to post
  • Forum Moderator
1 hour ago, Leah said:

Of late, the sex fantasies are subsiding, along with everything else down there.

The adolescent high libido sort of muddies the water for many transgender individuals.  Back in my teens, I thought it was purely fetish because I felt I could immediately control the crossdressing after “experiencing euphoria and coming back down to earth”.  The incongruence of my body and mind with that high libido was creating so much confusion for me.  Early in my teens, to make things harder I thought I was the only one who did this.  Then in my twenties, I had pretty much the same high libido but was in a situation and place where I could dress 75% of the time.  I didn’t need to fight the urge and for ten years I gave in to my desire to dress.  I actually became more comfortable and confident with myself while presenting female.  I still wasn’t sure if it was fetish or part of who I am.  Now with both my age and HRT reducing my libido a little, I can see clearly through the fog.  I was able to see the incongruence and know I’m becoming a woman through and through.

 

 

2 hours ago, Leah said:

I'm 75 now, Darlin'. Count 'em

2 hours ago, Leah said:

But at the moment, the hassle involved in transitioning further seems like too much trouble.

I’m glad things are settling down but I wouldn’t put yourself out to pasture just yet. You could have many great years ahead of you.  I don’t know anything about you or your life so take this like a grain of salt ....but why not explore the deeper part of yourself that you’ve suppressed or at least not yet fully embraced?  There are many small steps you can take without fully transitioning that may ease living life and help your self acceptance.  I’m sure you’ve done your research but I hate to see anyone give up on what they desire before testing the waters.  You’ve likely read of countless others on this site who have easily managed it to some degree or another at your age and older.

 

Just my 2¢,

Susan R?

Link to post

Thanks, Susan

I think I am exploring a few of the "many small steps" you mentioned. One is being on this forum and talking candidly with others about this whole world and perhaps my finding a place in it. Another is dressing -- at home, it's evolving from turn-on to pretty SOP for me. (My dog knows all about it -- he doesn't care or judge.)

I like this forum and the people on it.

Cudo's to all

Link to post
  • Forum Moderator
Jackie C.

Pfft. You're only 75. If you're in good health you could have as many as 45 more years. It's up to you to decide how you want to spend them.

 

Totally behind your current fantasy though. I'm not really into being powerless, but a wise lesbian lover/companion is about where I want to live too.

 

Hugs!

Link to post
49 minutes ago, Jackie C. said:

Pfft. You're only 75. If you're in good health you could have as many as 45 more years. It's up to you to decide how you want to spend them.

 

Totally behind your current fantasy though. I'm not really into being powerless, but a wise lesbian lover/companion is about where I want to live too.

 

Hugs!

120? I can only imagine what a picture that would be....Thanks for the encouragement, Ms. Jackie. It's a wide screen fantasy -- plenty of room.

Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   11 Members, 0 Anonymous, 77 Guests (See full list)

    • Cyndee
    • CallMeKeira
    • DeeDee
    • Kellianne
    • MaryEllen
    • QuestioningAmber
    • Petra Jane
    • Ms Maddie
    • Kiara
    • ElizabethStar
    • Jocelyn
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      72,489
    • Total Posts
      662,885
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      7,692
    • Most Online
      8,356

    RachelMF
    Newest Member
    RachelMF
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. 12amCritter
      12amCritter
      (20 years old)
    2. MistyMinx15
      MistyMinx15
      (42 years old)
  • Posts

    • Willow
      My wife and I make custom shirts with heat pressed vinyl.  She found a company that sells t-shirts made out of bamboo. For sure they are the softest ones I’ve ever worn.  They come in all sizes, men’s and women’s and different sleeves.  They hold up to normal washing too.  They are only a little more expensive but well worth it.   unfortunately for me the one iron clad promise I made was never come to bed in women’s things.  So I don’t get to experience that.     My boobets are telling me to be careful with them today.  No harsh fabric rubbing them.  I suppose that’s because I slept in a shirt last night.  My fault, I’m not used to their rules yet.   Willow
    • Sarahnr1
      Youre very welkome dear     Thats  okey we can still talk  and im still here  as you can see  (HUG ) 
    • KayC
      You would think with how much the Feds pay to support Medicaid they could dictate a minimum standard of coverage for the states.  Maybe they can fix this in the next 4 years. Here's another article on the same story ... apparently 10 states currently exclude gender affirming medical coverage. https://www.them.us/story/lawsuit-challenging-west-virginia-ban-trans-medicaid-coverage
    • Willow
      Good morning TGPulse  (said to the tone of good morning Vietnam)   guess m in a good mood this morning.  Looks a little overcast.  It is supposed to rain later.  Guess I won’t be working on the boat today.   coffee is made I’m ready for friends to come sit at my kitchen table.    the hunters are out in the rice fields.  In the early 19th century this was supposed to have  been the largest rice producer in the world.  I find that hard to believe.  Now it’s all just wetland.   we watch a sewing show and a quilting show on PBS starting at 8 every Saturday.  One thing I’ve learned about sewing, it isn’t as easy as it looks.  I’m getting better but even keeping a straight line can be challenging.  Then add to that making a particular type of seam like a double row flat felled seam. My rows of stitches are never straight.   we made new lettering for the boat.  I sure hope I can get that on right. I know the way it’s supposed to be done but I’m just not sure about this.   Enjoy your coffee today.   Willow
    • DeeDee
      Hi Lyla, pleased to meet you. If you just look at statistics being trans is effectively terrifying, it is why so many people place an emphasis on "passing", because it offers the security to be upgraded in society's eyes to the levels of aggression someone happy with their gender from birth is likely to experience. Which can still be scary as statistics. The flipside statistic to violence and prejudice experienced is the suicide and self harm rates, they make not dealing with gender dysphoria just as scary to me!   The strength of your feelings towards packing away the items you have is a very loud and clear signal that you ignore at your peril.  This is why everyone is advised to find a way to seek out a therapist to help talk though these fears safely and without any need to act on them.   When I was first questioning the most helpful exercise I did was not looking at whether or not I was transgender (that was too big and too confusing and scary) but looking at whether or not I was cisgender.   It was about coming to terms with myself and removing the masks I wear every day. Recognising what I do in life as a role in order to play a part expected of me whether self imposed or just reinforced by society or others, and what I do because I want to. The expectations list was way bigger! I wish you all the best in your thinking and exploring.
    • Ms Maddie
      Ok. Thank you. Still not ready to send horrible things in PMs to anyone.  But you are offering me life by sharing yours. Let's cry now 😭 It's not pretty but it's beauty
    • KayC
      Even though I don't openly dress feminine at home, I have totally converted to wearing women's nightwear exclusively.  I just cannot feel comfortable anymore in men's pj's or shorts. There is a fabric that uses bamboo in its makeup (I think its called Viscose?) and it is divine in its soft feel next to my skin.  And it seems women's waist bands and neck/arm openings are just loser and more comfortable.
    • KayC
      Hi Heather.  I think this is totally natural, and inline with how most of us behave when a bit high.  Our inhibitions drop, and we don't feel as confined to social norms.  We've all felt that way, I am sure, and we've anecdotally probably seen the meek co-worker dancing with a lampshade on their head at the office party.  It probably doesn't mean they want to be a "lamp" but it likely does mean they feel free to openly express themselves and their true feelings that they normally suppress.  If you Google the subject you will find lots of studies about alcohol and effect on inhibitions.  Most declare that its complex, and not always a direct correlation, but seems the connection is clear.   For me, and my definite inhibitions about coming out socially, I would say it would be more of a confirmation of my true self-identity.  But I would probably also prefer that determination be in counsel with a good gender therapist (and I have. and I am) ❤️  
    • Lyla
      I guess I'm going to have to think a lot more about it.  Last night I watched a very scary documentary on YouTube called "The Gender Code".  The scenes of violence in it scared me to the point I felt that this was just too scary and dangerous.  I packed away the few items I had gotten to experiment with gender.  Afterwards I felt angry and depressed and even thought of drowning my feeling in alcohol like I've done in the past.  I guess that's another clue to look at.  Right now I think I'm going to crawl back into my cave and think about this some more.    
    • Sarahnr1
      Then they arent  worth diddly in my eyes  and youre better of  without them .  Nothing wrong  with that  ive been dealing  with shrinks  /docs /you name it  i have dealt  with them all  most of my life.  Got my first  diagnose  at  4. Last  one  when i got  evaluated  for TS. so belive me   i dont judge  nor  am i ashamed  of any of my diagnosis  . i dident choose to be born with them and il be darn if i would be ashamed  of them either. I can count  my reel friends   on my fingers  and  of them ALL  are on line  or  by phone  so again  i understand.    First of all  i understand  and respect  that my friend.  And  further more if i were to reveal to you  all i have  had  going  on  you would  probaly do the same to me as youre friend  have to you.   And you`d be amazed  how many horrible   things i have been  told  in Pms and  still i havent yet  been  scared away.                  
    • BreM
      Realized I loved wearing the dresses and heels instead of the suits and ties.Remember mom and my sisters walking out in dresses wanting to be like them in my teens
    • Gabriel
      It's good to read you found yourself and what worked for you Bre. Congrats, and thank you for sharing.
    • Ms Maddie
      Well I swear it I don't have a gun.   But I guess he did, didn't he?
    • Gabriel
      if I could do it as...
    • Ms Maddie
      My counselors drop me.  They get tired of me because they cannot help and I'm just a Medicaid client.  There is no one in my "real life" near me. Since I changed my name and legalities, my new friends are now a handful of married cis women from a mental health clubhouse in my current county.  My conversations with them consist of me listening to them complain about their husbands  or their struggles losing weight, and their bowel movements omg.   However, I am fortunate to have a long time friend out of state who has become a licensed master's degree therapist later in life.  She knows my history and cares about me.  We don't talk often, but when we do, she gives me lots of her valuable time.   But in the past she called the police to my old address, more than once, out of concern due to things I share with her.  Since this leads to loss of freedom and forced (more like coerced) psych meds at the county, I have to be careful to edit every single thing I share with her and other counselors.  I will not share on this forum not even in "private" messages.  Thank you for offering.   I am positive I am in control of my life I am smiling beneath my mask. I swear I am. Here are my hands. Please don't shoot.
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...