Am I fetishising? (social dysphoria??)

[20izzole]

I've been in a relationship with a guy for about 2 months, it'll be 3 the 28th of this month. I'm trans and he's cis.

Before we got together I fantasized about kissing, loving,  and being in a relationship with a boy publicly. This is the  first boy I've been involved with who has respects my pronouns, my boundaries, and when I say no. In my opinion this is my first real relationship with one. 

I feel self-conscious about how my boyfriend and I present socially, I want it to be obvious that we are boys in a relationship and gay rather than a het couple. I've shared this with him, but I don't feel like he understands or shares my fears. 

I also feel shame at times when we are being affectionate, both in private and in public. I'm scared that we're not being a normal couple and there is something possibly wrong about what we're doing together. I overthink about the possibility that we're being too affectionate or even gross.

I won't talk about our sexual activities, but I feel ashamed of that, too. It's all consensual, I just get dysphoric and worry that I'm being gross. 

I'm scared that I'm being predatory, almost, in a way. Like I'm being gross and boy obsessed. 

I like him a lot and just want to be a normal boyfriend to him. I want to be able to say that I'm gay for him in public without being perceived as a lesbian by other people, which I think I am most of the time. 

Am I being gross? Is there something wrong with me?

[Susan R]

2 hours ago, 20izzole said:

I like him a lot and just want to be a normal boyfriend to him. I want to be able to say that I'm gay for him in public without being perceived as a lesbian by other people, which I think I am most of the time. 

Am I being gross? Is there something wrong with me?

Lee, if I read this correctly, you want to come across as being a normal gay boyfriend in your to relationship to others?  It’s seems unlikely everyone will view it as normal because the word “normal” is much too vague and dependent on so many unrelated factors...where you live, how you present yourself physically or socially, how affectionate you are in public, your ages, and the list goes on and on.  Every relationship is different, yours included.  I understand you wanting to be proud and not hide the fact you are who you are.  It’s not a fetish to want that at all.  Does you boyfriend feel the same way? Does he enjoy the current level of PDA while in public?  These are questions I’m sure you’ve discussed and if you are both satisfied with how it’s going and you’re not drawing any unwanted attention, then does it really matter?

 

My wife and I are in our 50’s now.  Don’t laugh, it’ll come upon you before you know it...lol.  Before I transitioned and was presenting male, I would hold hands with my wife during long walk and on very rare occasions, kiss my wife in public.  It was an agreed upon level of PDA we were both comfortable with at that time.  We are an older couple so we felt that is “normal” for us...a very cis looking elderly couple. Now that I’m presenting female, neither of us want to draw any unwanted attention to ourselves so we don’t really hold hands or kiss in public at all.  We don’t see any other lesbians kissing in public in my area so my wife and I don’t feel comfortable at this point and time.  However, that may change down the road.  One never knows if it might someday be acceptable.  This is not to say we haven’t outed ourselves in public by calling out...”Hey Hon” or some other endearment in public out of habit.  But we won’t likely ever exceed the level of PDA we once had with each other as a cis looking couple.

 

In short, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.  You are just exploring your boundaries between yourself, your new BF and society around you.  This is normal for every couple..  You are looking for a comfortable way to interact and not hide your true self.   This is a relatively new experience for you.  Enjoy it.

 

Susan R?

[Jani]

Exactly what Susan wrote!

 

Jani

[Charlize]

Relationships that are not of a "norm" are always seemingly difficult.  It becomes obvious to anyone who sees us for a time that my wife and i are very close whether we hold hands, kiss or not.  At first i found it difficult as did she.  When inquires were made in the deep south, at one point early on, i simply said she was my oldest, dearest friend which is indeed true.  I one point someone said that i wasn't normal.  After looking around i've noticed no-one seems to be unless they are on a 1950's TV show.  I've decided "normal" is just a setting on the washing machine.  

Enjoy your life as yourself and try not to worry!

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize 

[ShawnaLeigh]

15 hours ago, Jani said:

Exactly what Susan wrote!

 

Jani

Ditto.  She nailed it.  

I wish you luck I finding the balance you are looking for too.

[Jackie C.]

Yeah, Susan's got that covered. Do what makes you both comfortable. Personally, I don't take other people into account past my partner. If she's OK with it, and I'm OK with it... well, they're not involved are they?

 

We're not QUITE into our 50's yet, but we still hold hands and do the PDA thing in public. We're probably a little nauseating, but we're also very much in love and very comfortable being in each other's space. For us anyway, the fact that I present female hasn't changed how we behave in public. I may actually be a little more affectionate honestly. The point of that was to illustrate that every relationship, even same-sex relationships is a little different. So long as you're both comfortable, it's all good.

 

Hugs!