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lilyofthevalley

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lilyofthevalley

Hi, everyone. You can call me Lily!

 

I’m 20 years old and just recently had my “moment of realization.” I’ve been questioning my gender for four-ish years, but was mostly in denial about it until a few months ago. I’ve pretty much decided now that I want to be a girl.

 

I don’t really know what’s next for me. I have (diagnosed) social anxiety disorder and talking to people is extremely difficult. I haven’t been able to talk to anyone about these feelings, even my therapist. Lately my disphoria has gotten so bad that it’s affecting my daily life and my family has noticed and is concerned about my well-being. I can’t keep bottling up my feelings, so I had to promise myself that I would do something. That something was coming here.

 

It’s very difficult for me to share here too, but at least I know I will be accepted here. I look forward to meeting everyone in this community!

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Jackie C.

Hey Lily! Welcome to Transpuse!

 

I think you'll find us a warm, welcoming and most of all supportive community. Please feel free to poke around, ask questions or join the discussion!

 

Hugs!

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Carolyn Marie

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Lily!  I can appreciate the anxiety you feel even coming here and admitting how you feel.  It was a difficult moment for me, as well.  You made a good decision.  I would urge you to find the confidence to explain to your therapist about your dysphoria.  It's the only way he or she can help you deal with it.  They are there to help you, not judge you.

 

Please look around the forums and post questions and comments wherever you wish.  We'll be here to help.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

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SaraAW

Hi Lily and welcome!

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Jani

Welcome Lily.  I'm glad you decided to come here and that you thought it would help.  There are many kind people here to speak with and even vent every now and again, as life presents challenges.  I'm happy to hear you've been able to break through and speak to someone.  This is good.  Understandably your family knows you well and sees the change in you.  Talk to your therapist about how to address this subject with them.

 

All my best.
Jani 

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Miseria

Salutations and welcome Lily, hopefully you can find some peace of mind and learn of yourself as well as others... The time to grow is now bit by bit🎵

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Aidan5

Howdy Lily! We welcome you to the forum with open arms and minds! :)

 

Please feel welcome to message me if you ever need someone to talk to in private, I do my best to cheer up others and just be a friend in general ^_^

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Susan R
8 hours ago, lilyofthevalley said:

I don’t really know what’s next for me. I have (diagnosed) social anxiety disorder and talking to people is extremely difficult. I haven’t been able to talk to anyone about these feelings, even my therapist.

Hello Lily, it’s nice to have you aboard.  Congrats on getting past your fear and making your first thread here describing a bit about yourself.  It wasn’t as bad as you thought was it?  Just try not to think too far ahead as it can seem more overwhelming than it really is especially in the beginning.  You can do what’s comfortable for you in small incremental steps.  You set your own timeline and your therapist can help you if you get stuck.  No one here will ever pressure you in any way and there’s no competition.  We are here to offer support in any way we can.  I think you’ll slowly find this forum to be a safe place for you to share or ask questions as you need.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

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Timber Wolf

Hi Lily,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

You don't have to post any more than you like. But we won't bite, I promise!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug, 

Timber Wolf 🐾

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KathyLauren

Hi, Lily.  Welcome.

 

I am glad you signed up.  You are among friends here.  Please feel free to share what you are comfortable sharing and to ask questions.

 

Regards,

Kathy

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Charlize

Welcome Lily.  Coming here was difficult for me the first time.  I was both excited and afraid to open up about feelings so long hidden.  Instead of disapproval i found the support i needed to find myself.  Hopefully you will feel the same.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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Krisvm

Hi Lily. Glad to have you here. 

 

It can be hard to share so just share what you want to, when you want. I find everyone here is very supportive and willing to listen.

 

Love and hugs,

 

Kris

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TammyAnne

Hi Lily. Welcome here!

You're among like minded folkx here.

The anxiety you feel has been felt by many, I suspect. I know it's been a problem for me all my life, but is better now that I've figured myself out a bit.

Lots of good reading here and a good safe space to ask questions.

TA

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lilyofthevalley

Thank you everyone for the warm welcome!

I've done some reading around the forum, but now I'm extremely overwhelmed by the transition process, specifically voice training. I have a super deep voice, as luck would have it. I was hoping my voice would just get higher pitched automatically over time with HRT, but apparently not...


Hopefully I can work up the courage to talk to my therapist soon. My family's efforts to improve my mood are having the opposite effect. They seem to think I'm just lonely, because they keep trying to get me out in public to be social. Obviously, that makes me super uncomfortable and dysphoric. Incidentally I'm also super tall, which makes me feel like everyone's eyes are drawn to me. I just want to be alone...

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Susan R
39 minutes ago, lilyofthevalley said:

Hopefully I can work up the courage to talk to my therapist soon.

Lily, this may not reduce your fear of speaking with your therapist but just know that most practicing counselors and therapists have heard it all.  They’re professionals and are there for your support.  They have likely encountered endless variations in lifestyles, personalities, sexualities, beliefs, etc... nothing you say will have them jumping out of their seat.  Know that there is almost no chance that whatever you would discuss with your therapist would ever see the light of day without your permission.  Confidentiality is one of their most important assets.

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lilyofthevalley
1 hour ago, Susan R said:

Lily, this may not reduce your fear of speaking with your therapist but just know that most practicing counselors and therapists have heard it all.  They’re professionals and are there for your support.  They have likely encountered endless variations in lifestyles, personalities, sexualities, beliefs, etc... nothing you say will have them jumping out of their seat.  Know that there is almost no chance that whatever you would discuss with your therapist would ever see the light of day without your permission.  Confidentiality is one of their most important assets.

I've had this therapist for 5 years now, and I have a good relationship with her. You would probably expect that to make me more comfortable sharing this, but somehow it just makes me fear it will change how she thinks of me and damage our connection, if that makes any sense... I've never discussed anything this "deep" with her.

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Susan R
51 minutes ago, lilyofthevalley said:

but somehow it just makes me fear it will change how she thinks of me and damage our connection, if that makes any sense... I've never discussed anything this "deep" with her.

Yes, I can see this happening.  I get it.   I had a similar fear when coming out to my wife.    She thought after 22 years together she knew all about me yet this HUGE part of myself hidden away from her and she never saw it despite all the hidden cues during that time.  Everything I did overtly pointed in the other direction.  The thought of her seeing the ‘real me’ for the first time was almost terrifying as possibly losing her. 
I ended up using ‘pulling off the bandaid as fast as possible’ approach when telling her about my transition needs.  You may end up having to do the same thing with your therapist.  After the deed is done and the adrenaline drops a bit, I bet you will experience a huge breakthrough.

 

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Jackie C.
12 hours ago, lilyofthevalley said:

I've done some reading around the forum, but now I'm extremely overwhelmed by the transition process, specifically voice training. I have a super deep voice, as luck would have it. I was hoping my voice would just get higher pitched automatically over time with HRT, but apparently not...

 

Yeah, that happens to FtM's, but once you've grown out your voice box, that's it. Fortunately, resonance is more important than pitch (see Cher) and you can train yourself to speak with both a higher pitch and feminine resonance. It's hard work, but it totally pays off. Well worth every second I spent doing it.

 

Alternately, voice surgery is a thing but it only helps with pitch. You still need to train to speak from the right part of your throat.

 

12 hours ago, lilyofthevalley said:

Incidentally I'm also super tall, which makes me feel like everyone's eyes are drawn to me. I just want to be alone.

 

I get that too. I'm 5'11". My new favorite person at the gym is this lovely woman who is taller than me. I just like standing next to her. But hey, remember that there's a 7' cis-female model out there. Tall girls can be pretty too. It's harder to find clothes, but we can be pretty.

 

I'm not sure about being alone. Alone time is important, but being around friends can be very affirming. Especially if they know, and use your correct name/pronouns. Or even if they don't know and use the correct name and pronouns. Being around people who know and that you trust is incredibly affirming for me.

 

11 hours ago, Susan R said:

I ended up using ‘pulling off the bandaid as fast as possible’ approach when telling her about my transition needs.  You may end up having to do the same thing with your therapist.  After the deed is done and the adrenaline drops a bit, I bet you will experience a huge breakthrough.

 

I took that approach too. It was scary... so, so scary... but I did it, and it worked out for the best. @Susan R is right though, therapists have seen, heard (and/or done) everything. You can't shock them. I think it's more likely that she'll be happy to finally get through that last bit of armor and get to meet the real you. OK, my therapist described it more as storming a castle. After two years she's past the moat... and I came to her as trans... but I prefer an armor metaphor. To me, coming out felt more like dropping heavy armor I'd been wearing to protect me from the world.

 

Seriously though. Deep breath and talk to your therapist. She's there to help and she can't help you if you keep things from her. Open and honest communication about what's bothering you is always the best way for the two of you to interact.

 

Hugs!

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KristiLeigh

Welcome to the group, I am new here and your life story heartens me to say welcome.

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ShawnaLeigh

Welcome Lily I am so glad you have found us.  It is a great place with lots of love and support.  I have told folks things here I thought would never see the light of day and you know what?  I feel so much better just letting it out.  Yes it was "just to strangers over the internet" at first so what's the big deal?  I soon realized these folks are my "found family" and they all care and have helped me threw some pretty difficult times.  I love them all.

Yes You have some fears and anxiety and in this we ALL have been there and truly understand how this feels.  So open up as fast or as slow as you wish and we will be here for you.

I am glad you have a good therapist with some history together.  Trust in her and you will be rewarded so much when things start to fall into place.

That's my experience anyways.

 

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