Androgynous face...

[Tristantulaine]

I have recently begun the process of speaking out what I have been struggling with for a good many years internally without knowing how to put it into words.  In part this is due to transgender friends telling me their stories and hearing bits of myself in them. Last night I had a good cry with my wonderful spouse who told me that he doesnt see me any differently.

 

So now I feel my experiences can be discussed so much more openly.  First some background.

 

There is a joke in our family that the force is strong with my dads genetics and on my is it ever.  All three of my dads biological children look like him, and I have a different mom then the other two.  My birth grandfather and dad look alike and his half brother is the same.   In essence I look...like...my dad.  I was born female but have always had this face that could pass for male.  Once as a teen in the hospital I was told by staff that I looked like a cute boy with my hair slicked back.  Now...that is unsettling for a whole host of reasons that I really dont want to get into here but suffice it to say I thought for the first time, what if i was a boy?  Am i cute as a boy? 

 

I didnt experience dysphoria as a child, I just ran around and played in the mud with boys and girls and made up elaborate stories where I fought dragons in skirts and everyone cheered for me, the victorious  knight. Then they showed up.  And they just kept growing and growing till they are large enough that my doctor has spoken to me about top surgery without gender entering the question.  I hate them. Literally I have so much anger towards them I sometimes want to lock myself up in my room and cry.  I look at my androgynous face that looks like my dads and think of the times people have seen just a head shot and thought I could be male or female,  a boy in skirts or a girl in armor or something in between.  Then I look at this silhouette that no amount of binding can reduce.  

 

I am happy with the in betweeness of my face and I am not particularly distressed with any other part of my anatomy, but the thought of caring the things around on my chest for the rest of my life and always looking like I am smuggling watermelons out of a grocery store makes me sick.  

 

So this is where I am now.  I suppose it is as good a place as any to be in as far as my identity is concerned.  I think I am somewhere in between and I want to make my body look the way I feel. And I am in this moment now with acceptance and love for that.

[Jackie C.]

I completely get this. I've got a pretty androgynous face too. I look like a cross between my paternal grandmother and my maternal grandfather. Dimples. Megawatt smile. I have an entirely different area I'm not comfortable with, but I get it. That part is just "wrong" or "other." I would trade you in a heartbeat. ?

 

I was "enjoying" a breakdown about it just yesterday. Although I don't think about it so much on the HRT. Mostly because everything goes "quiet" down there. It makes it much easier to ignore. I'm sorry you don't have that option without surgery.

 

Same thing growing up, (well, no skirts) until grade school in the 70's dropped the, "boys don't play with girls" hammer on me and I started trying to pretend so I would fit in. I'm a gamer though, so I still fight dragons.

 

Hugs!

[Tristantulaine]

Thank you.  That post was so terrifying to write, I think because there was this weird part of me going: "your being too open and personal about stuff you shouldn't talk about" that comes from a very strict upbringing.  Simultaneously there was a part of me saying: "your not enough to post here, you dont know what you want yet so this is not ok."  I appreciate this so much!

 

I think the biggest issue I am struggling with through it is this entire urge to define it and put a label on it.  Which is why it was a relief to say this is ok for now (of course the ensuing freakout really undermines that lol) People have told me I have body dysmorphia for a bit now,  it isnt a secret that I am not happy with my top, and that a reduction will make it better.  But I know it isnt just that.  There is a lack of "girl" and yet not quite a "boy" that I feel.  I like the word Androgyne.  It feels "right" somehow.

[DeeDee]

Tristantulaine, it can be really be disconcerting to open up and share the things that are bothering us, especially when we haven't told anyone else. One of the reasons this site is fantastic is because you can open up here and know that the worst thing that will happen is that people know and understand how you feel.  Don't worry about finding the right label, they are handy to express what you are thinking and feeling but just get to that place where you are happy being you no matter where that is. 

[Jackie C.]

Seriously, we're all different. The only label that matters is "You." You need to do whatever it is that makes you comfortable in your own body. Nothing else really matters.

 

Hugs!

[Querencia]

thanks for posting this   Please don't feel like you're oversharing, it helps me a lot to see other people going through it, too.  

I know how you feel about smuggling watermelons.  I fear they're the reason I will always be seen as "the bearded lady" instead of the androgynous creature I am.  
 

It's not even that I mind generally having breasts, they're just so ...cumbersome, and they refuse to be hidden.  Okay, I guess they're a physical pain as well as an occasional emotional hinderance. 

 

Lately I've been giving serious consideration to surgical reduction but it's hard to grapple with the idea of paying someone to slice me up and change *me* -what if I'm wrong? what if the universe wanted me to be in pain? is it cheating?

I say this jokingly, but I'm actually crying right now. 

 

We grew up poor, so it was always unfathomable to have something like this corrected.  Gender identity aside, I look at my mom's chest/posture and see what's in store for me and know that that is not what I want for myself. 

 

I miss being able to jump rope 😕

[Zelaire]

11 minutes ago, Querencia said:

it helps me a lot to see other people going through it, too.  

I agree with Querencia. I gather a lot of us are here for similar reasons, and I'm so grateful that folks like you have been willing to open up and share! So, thank you! ❤️

[Sol]

I keep getting surprised by everybody on here; You guys keep putting things into words!

This post got me opening my camera to take a good, long look at the photos of my face that I did have, and I think it's interesting how I realized I look when I stopped thinking about how I didn't like it. My lips and eyes were definitely more feminine, but things like my nose and eyebrows and even my expression read as more masculine, and I think that's kind of cool!

It took me a bit to accept that I didn't fit into the boxes of male or female, and I get the wanting boobs gone. Mine aren't as big, but they stick out as a big indicator of "You're a woman," when that statement is very very false. I might get a reduction later in life, down to an A, because I do like boobs, but I like little boobs. Mine are not little. 

Granted, that's a ways off, but it's nice to see that I can be more androgynous in my appearance without changing a single thing. Thank you!

[Mmindy]

On 1/26/2020 at 12:52 PM, Tristantulaine said:

That post was so terrifying to write, I think because there was this weird part of me going: "your being too open and personal about stuff you shouldn't talk about" that comes from a very strict upbringing.  Simultaneously there was a part of me saying: "your not enough to post here, you dont know what you want yet so this is not ok." 

Hey there @Tristantulaine

 

Thank you for sharing this most heartfelt portion of your life. As you've seen, there are many of us who could or have written a similar true feeling, you're not over sharing anything here. This Forum has been very therapeutic for me as a late in life married person transitioning through the androgynous scale to the feminine. Even though I'm only out to my wife, grown kids, and their spouses. Many of the most recent pictures I've posted on Facebook, are getting comments from people who knew my mother, but aren't aware that I'm transitioning. Saying it's amazing how much I look like my mother.

 

Best wishes, stay positive, and safe,

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋