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Tristantulaine

Androgynous face...

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Tristantulaine

I have recently begun the process of speaking out what I have been struggling with for a good many years internally without knowing how to put it into words.  In part this is due to transgender friends telling me their stories and hearing bits of myself in them. Last night I had a good cry with my wonderful spouse who told me that he doesnt see me any differently.

 

So now I feel my experiences can be discussed so much more openly.  First some background.

 

There is a joke in our family that the force is strong with my dads genetics and on my is it ever.  All three of my dads biological children look like him, and I have a different mom then the other two.  My birth grandfather and dad look alike and his half brother is the same.   In essence I look...like...my dad.  I was born female but have always had this face that could pass for male.  Once as a teen in the hospital I was told by staff that I looked like a cute boy with my hair slicked back.  Now...that is unsettling for a whole host of reasons that I really dont want to get into here but suffice it to say I thought for the first time, what if i was a boy?  Am i cute as a boy? 

 

I didnt experience dysphoria as a child, I just ran around and played in the mud with boys and girls and made up elaborate stories where I fought dragons in skirts and everyone cheered for me, the victorious  knight. Then they showed up.  And they just kept growing and growing till they are large enough that my doctor has spoken to me about top surgery without gender entering the question.  I hate them. Literally I have so much anger towards them I sometimes want to lock myself up in my room and cry.  I look at my androgynous face that looks like my dads and think of the times people have seen just a head shot and thought I could be male or female,  a boy in skirts or a girl in armor or something in between.  Then I look at this silhouette that no amount of binding can reduce.  

 

I am happy with the in betweeness of my face and I am not particularly distressed with any other part of my anatomy, but the thought of caring the things around on my chest for the rest of my life and always looking like I am smuggling watermelons out of a grocery store makes me sick.  

 

So this is where I am now.  I suppose it is as good a place as any to be in as far as my identity is concerned.  I think I am somewhere in between and I want to make my body look the way I feel. And I am in this moment now with acceptance and love for that.

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Jackie C.

I completely get this. I've got a pretty androgynous face too. I look like a cross between my paternal grandmother and my maternal grandfather. Dimples. Megawatt smile. I have an entirely different area I'm not comfortable with, but I get it. That part is just "wrong" or "other." I would trade you in a heartbeat. 😅

 

I was "enjoying" a breakdown about it just yesterday. Although I don't think about it so much on the HRT. Mostly because everything goes "quiet" down there. It makes it much easier to ignore. I'm sorry you don't have that option without surgery.

 

Same thing growing up, (well, no skirts) until grade school in the 70's dropped the, "boys don't play with girls" hammer on me and I started trying to pretend so I would fit in. I'm a gamer though, so I still fight dragons.

 

Hugs!

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Tristantulaine

Thank you.  That post was so terrifying to write, I think because there was this weird part of me going: "your being too open and personal about stuff you shouldn't talk about" that comes from a very strict upbringing.  Simultaneously there was a part of me saying: "your not enough to post here, you dont know what you want yet so this is not ok."  I appreciate this so much!

 

I think the biggest issue I am struggling with through it is this entire urge to define it and put a label on it.  Which is why it was a relief to say this is ok for now (of course the ensuing freakout really undermines that lol) People have told me I have body dysmorphia for a bit now,  it isnt a secret that I am not happy with my top, and that a reduction will make it better.  But I know it isnt just that.  There is a lack of "girl" and yet not quite a "boy" that I feel.  I like the word Androgyne.  It feels "right" somehow.

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DeeDee

Tristantulaine, it can be really be disconcerting to open up and share the things that are bothering us, especially when we haven't told anyone else. One of the reasons this site is fantastic is because you can open up here and know that the worst thing that will happen is that people know and understand how you feel.  Don't worry about finding the right label, they are handy to express what you are thinking and feeling but just get to that place where you are happy being you no matter where that is. :)

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Jackie C.

Seriously, we're all different. The only label that matters is "You." You need to do whatever it is that makes you comfortable in your own body. Nothing else really matters.

 

Hugs!

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