Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Why passing is important to me


Belle

Recommended Posts

A lot of people in our community scoff at the idea of passing or feeling the need to pass. While I don't feel like all on its own passing is important, it can be important in certain contexts.

 

The reason it is important to me is that (1) I want the world to treat me as a woman. And (2) I don't want to anyone to have to deal with cognitive dissonance just to be in my presence. In other words, I don't believe the world should be forced to conform to my perspective. Changes in society will come in time due to all of those who are fighting for our existence, but I don't want to enter the battle. Maybe some day but certainly not soon.

 

Also, (3) aesthetics are important to me because. For the same reason a nice painting is hung in a hallway, I want to see beauty every time I walk past the mirror.

 

Again, I don't think everyone should feel this way, I just don't think it's illegitimate or bad to want/need to pass.

 

Belle ❤

Link to comment

My mom tells me all the time that I shouldn't try to pass for other people, but recently I realized that I am doing it for me. I don't really care whether or not that one person walking down the street saw me as a guy, while that is certainly nice and huge boost. I care that I can see myself in the mirror, and be confident with who I am. Like when I look down and see curves, it is just another thing that reminds me of the suffering I can often be going through. If I don't pass, I don't leave the house (or even my room really) because that is just not how my mind sees me as who I should be, and it kinda freaks me out.

Link to comment
  • Admin

Whatever you do, and whatever you feel you need to do in terms of body alignment are your choices alone to make.  The only problem that can come though is when you feel you need to do something, do it, and you do not get the satisfaction from it you feel that you should have, and become bitter about it.  An example I have right at hand is a friend who had facial surgery 12 months ago, and to the rest of us is nicely recovered and looks attractive, but she can look at her new face and she still sees her old male face $35K later.  The positive changes were too subtle for her to register and she is a mess psychologically right  now.  She and actually the rest of us in our group are seen as women when we are in Cis settings and none of us has problems being accepted.  It is when you can accept yourself that others will most certainly see you as your best self. 

 

My GCS seven years ago did not do any miracles and no one other than my medical care team has much interest in the fact I did it. (boo hoo) it was still a step I knew I had to take whether or not it mattered to others.  My face as you can see in my gallery is gender neutral and when I feel like it, a bit of makeup tips the balance so FFS was not on my path.  I did get necessary dental work done -- do pay attention to that!!   I have not even needed beard removal since my face hair has always been light and fine, to me that is not important or needed for acceptance.   I will admit that the passage of time living as ME has been a big think, Passing does go away when people know you and have forgotten the old tired person. .  https://www.transgenderpulse.com/forums/gallery/image/13260-transniteatlapridejpg/

Link to comment

Belle. I was NEVER a big fan of the word PASSING. I think it make me feel like a phoning, like I am try to fool people. That said. You make a compelling argument. In that, your not thinking of the word in the pass tense but in the present tense...Kinda  interesting perspective...Ty for that.  

Link to comment
6 hours ago, Alex C said:

Belle. I was NEVER a big fan of the word PASSING. I think it make me feel like a phoning, like I am try to fool people. That said. You make a compelling argument. In that, your not thinking of the word in the pass tense but in the present tense...Kinda  interesting perspective...Ty for that.  

Interesting... LOL I never thought of it in the past tense. For those who aren't following, here is the difference (I think this is what Alex means):

 

Present Tense - to pass a test. This occurs every time someone looks at you or interacts wirh you.

Past Tense - to pass a threshold, such as a finish line. This happens once.

 

Is that how you were thinking of it Alex?

Link to comment

I fully agree.  To a point.  I say this from what Vicky had pointed out that “passing” is mostly a mental aspect and if your physical self does not match the mental image then your always going to be trying.  Another wise thing I have read previously from Vicky as well is we are always going to be our own worst critics.  Couple those two mental components it’s a very small margin we give ourselves to “pass” in.  
However I am a goal oriented person and always live life on a check list.  While this helps me organize and complete things I have had to learn I can not view my transition as a check list.  I’m not a patient person either so my struggles to say it takes time does not make me feel any better. I had to change that.  
In other words I set far lower expectations of my appearance.  Yes I struggle with this.  I have my demons and dysphoric times where I do not “see it” but that takes time too.  
At first I doubted I’d ever look feminine enough at all and now I feel like a beautiful women in my person my heart and on the outside too.   
That is all a mental process.  
I have always had a “not cared what others think” type of personality so this transfers nicely for me on what others may see.  
Again to quote Vicky.  Most people will not even see you no less judge your gender.  Face to face interaction included.  
It boils down to confidence.  
And great hair and make up.  Lol  

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Great hair and makeup are both confidence boosters. 

 

Personally, my only goal is to be accepted as female and treated accordingly. I look in the mirror and see a happy, confident woman. Saying good morning to her is part of my morning routine. 

 

In my daily life, I present female. I probably get clocked now and then. I still put my best self forward. I don't correct people. Honestly I find it hilarious when someone is bouncing back and forth between pronouns. I let them figure it out and it's not something I can get angry about. I know who I am and I like her. 

 

I don't think more surgery is in my future. GCS was a need. Everything else is a want. If I want bigger breasts, I know how to stuff. Though I'm still hoping the girls will get inspired in the next eighteen months, I find myself pretty content with who I've become. 

 

Hugs!

Link to comment

Not really sure where I stand on this at the moment. I’m still closeted, so not trying at all to present any way other than cis male normative.

 

What I really just want is to be able to just be and be treated as a human with respect and dignity, regardless of how I look or present. Then maybe I’d feel safe and comfortable enough to present how I want to in the moment. 
 

Hugs!

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I dislike the word "passing" because, to me, it implies role-playing, or pretending to be something one is not. 

 

However, @Belle, I agree totally with your reasons:

16 hours ago, Belle said:

(1) I want the world to treat me as a woman.

(2) I don't want to anyone to have to deal with cognitive dissonance just to be in my presence.

(3) aesthetics are important to me because. For the same reason a nice painting is hung in a hallway, I want to see beauty every time I walk past the mirror.

 

Those are the same reason that I try to have a good female presentation.  And yet, despite #2, it doesn't matter to me if someone guesses or knows that I am trans, as long as they treat me as a woman, they don't voice any cognitive dissonance, and I like what I see in the mirror.

 

I passed moderately well when I was presenting as a man.  I don't need to pass as a woman, because I am one.

 

Regards,

Kathy

Link to comment

I dream of being passable once I reach my goal (and hopefully earlier too). I do not want people's first reaction to be "Oh, a man in a dress," or something similar, being forced to accept me as a woman because of society standards. Instead I want to simply present so female that there is no doubt in their mind, unless I tell them.

 

I'd want this for me (because I am a woman, so of course I should be accepted as a woman instantly, not have people forcing themselves to adjust their perception), but also because I believe it would give me a greater chance of having an ordinary life and keep an ordinary work. Because while society might move towards a greater degree of acceptance, I still think there is way to go.

Link to comment

"I am a rock that wishes to be a tree.

I realize that I shall never truly be a tree.

What I can be is the best representation of what I believe a tree should be.

I can live with that."

 

Every time I doubt myself I think of those words.

The reality might be difficult to swallow at first.

Reality can be a bummer. But it's mentally health to except ones limitations.

Change only those things that you feel comfortable changing about yourself. (Lest you lose yourself in the process.)

Except that which you can not, or should not, change. (Lest you regret it later.)

And have the wisdom to know the difference. (That's the hard one.)

 

Worry most about not only passing but  being a good person. They are so out of supply in this world.

Everything else, all of our other mundane concerns shall take care of themselves over time.

 

Be safe. Be Smart.

 

 

Link to comment

Although, I disagree with everyone expect Kathy. I can c yr points. Once again,,to me the word "PASSING" is a negative connotation on transgender life Whether your MF or FM. Its a genetic word created bye the straight world...I don't need to be Passable to know I am a woman whether I look like one or not

Link to comment
45 minutes ago, Alex C said:

Although, I disagree with everyone expect Kathy. I can c yr points. Once again,,to me the word "PASSING" is a negative connotation on transgender life Whether your MF or FM. Its a genetic word created bye the straight world...I don't need to be Passable to know I am a woman whether I look like one or not

I'm glad you are comfortable with yourself regardless, as that is by far the most important thing!

Link to comment

That's right. The word "Passing" refers to how other people perceive you. A person that passes as their perceived gender is rewarded by an external affirmation by others. A chair pulled out. A door held open. They get their desired high from the experience. Endorphins are produced in the brain. They have a sense of well being and belonging.  I remember that feeling. It can be intoxicating.

But you are right, Alex C. It's a false high. It doesn't last long. It leaves us wanting another fix. We're hooked. It's all we think or worry about. It becomes an obsession.

It is far better to pass as ourselves. No one will see you for who you are unless you see yourself  first.

 

Be safe. Be Smart.

It's 10:44 pm I'm logging out.

Good night.

 

Link to comment

As a non-binary person, I have a little different perspective on passing, which I wrote a poem about here some months ago:

 

 

Astrid

Link to comment

To me "passing" is just an extension of your desire to be accepted for who you are.  It is a term coined by the CIS community in a way but it is a minor or major goal for a trans person to be accepted in our society which is comprised of way more CIS folks then LBGTQ+++ combined.  Its nothing more then a term.  I don't get to worked up over it and admit I too strive to be accepted without comment or regard for being anything but who I am in the society we have.  

It is always a fight you will be in even if its in your own mind.  

The day you can get passed that your are truly passing to yourself.  Which is the only important thing really.

JMO

Link to comment
On 2/21/2020 at 4:05 PM, Belle said:

A lot of people in our community scoff at the idea of passing or feeling the need to pass. While I don't feel like all on its own passing is important, it can be important in certain contexts.

 

The reason it is important to me is that (1) I want the world to treat me as a woman. And (2) I don't want to anyone to have to deal with cognitive dissonance just to be in my presence. In other words, I don't believe the world should be forced to conform to my perspective. Changes in society will come in time due to all of those who are fighting for our existence, but I don't want to enter the battle. Maybe some day but certainly not soon.

 

Also, (3) aesthetics are important to me because. For the same reason a nice painting is hung in a hallway, I want to see beauty every time I walk past the mirror.

 

Again, I don't think everyone should feel this way, I just don't think it's illegitimate or bad to want/need to pass.

 

Belle ❤

 

I agree with your points on passing. I “pass” because I am a man, and this is how I feel most comfortable, I pass, according to society, for no one but myself. Just because how I feel most comfortable aligns with society, I shouldn’t be ashamed or less than other trans people because I can ‘blend in’ with ‘cis society’. 

 

The other reason I think passing is important is to feel safe in your own country/state/province. There are still many homophobes and transphobes that being “outed” could be a life or death situation to some people. 

Link to comment
On 2/24/2020 at 7:23 PM, Liam E. said:

The other reason I think passing is important is to feel safe in your own country/state/province. There are still many homophobes and transphobes that being “outed” could be a life or death situation to some people. 

 

This is also a huge part of it for me. While my country is generally quite liberal, it is a fact that there's still hate crimes. I'm not assertive enough to ever become a flagbearer for the movement, so instead I'd prefer simply just blending in with the rest of the world, not being the one that stands out.

Link to comment
  • 3 months later...

For me it is important I pass like a lady and I want to believe that I have succeeding it very well.

I went though a lot in my life to be what I am now.

 

The only time that I revealed my past to my husband is when he proposed to marry him. He wasn't shocked but I got surprised with his answer when he told me" I have no problem with that Dina, do you?"

Remember that he was an American officer in the Air Force (now he is retired) and things should had to remain secrets between us.

 

The only bad times were when we were ready to leave Greece and come here to US ,when the American Embassy found out all my passed and I had to show them all my papers, before and after with the Greek courts  documents tell them that she is now fully woman!

I had to endure so much I recall, difficult years back then, wow!

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...

I feel like the idea that you shouldn't care about passing is kind of paradoxical, in that if you care too much about passing then you end up trying too hard and not passing. If you take a cis person, they don't really think about what gender they look like and they just act like themselves. If you try too hard to pass then you look fake and people think "what's up with them" and they start clocking you. But if you just do you and don't specifically try to pass then you seem a lot more natural and people don't really ask as many questions. So ironically the less you try to pass the better you actually pass, and that's why people tell you to not care about passing. On the other hand, passing is important for mental health and wellbeing (humans are social creatures so if people accept you as a cis person of your target gender then you will feel more confident about your identity through sheer social osmosis).

 

Just my $0.02

Link to comment

Hey MayB.

Yeah i not a fan of the word passing, it just add extra  pressure to an alright stressful situation. You right Cis just try to be accept for then. Why do we need to be any dif. I am M2F and to tell you the truth once i finish with my bottom surg. I am no long trans m2f person, but a woman Cis.

So I hate that i still have facial hair, that i have to wear a wig cuz i am bald, and i do my best to " pass", but F it..I don't really care if i don't and i am going out into the world as the best version of me i can be . Be safe, BE Proud and KICK ASS

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   6 Members, 0 Anonymous, 140 Guests (See full list)

    • Abigail Genevieve
    • awkward-yet-sweet
    • MaryEllen
    • Jamey-Heather
    • Ashley0616
    • Lorelei
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.7k
    • Total Posts
      768.4k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,028
    • Most Online
      8,356

    earthpatch
    Newest Member
    earthpatch
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Anyatimenow
      Anyatimenow
      (23 years old)
    2. Aria00
      Aria00
    3. Ava B.
      Ava B.
      (24 years old)
    4. Claire Heshi
      Claire Heshi
    5. CrystalMatthews0426
      CrystalMatthews0426
      (41 years old)
  • Posts

    • Willow
      Mom, I’m home!  What’s for lunch?   Leftover pizza .   ok.    Not exactly our conversation but there is truth in the answer.     @KymmieLsorry you are sick. Feel better soon.   Girl mode, boy mode no mode, not us. Nothing functional for either of us.   anyone here have or had a 10 year old (plus or minus) Caddy, Lincoln or Chrysler?  How was it?  Lots of repairs?  Comfortable seats? Anything positive or negative about it?  I need to replace my 2004 Ford Explorer Eddie Bauer, it’s eating $100 dollar bills and needs a couple of thousand dollars worth of work and that doesn’t even fix the check engine code.  Obviously, it isn’t worth putting that kind of money into a 20 year old car with a 174 thousand miles.   Willow
    • Ashley0616
      Oversized pink shirt, pink and black sports bra
    • Abigail Genevieve
      I think you mean the worst possible interpretation of 2025 situation.  Keep in mind that there are those who will distort and downright lie about anything coming from conservatives - I have seen it time and time again.  It's one of the reasons I want to read the thing slowly and carefully.  They want you to be very, very afraid. 
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Here is where the expectation is that the stereotypical evangelical comes in finger wagging, disapproving and condemning.    Not gonna do that.   You have to work these things out.  Transgender issues put a whole different spin on everything and God understands what we are going through. I have enough trouble over here.  :)
    • Ivy
      You do you. You seem to be in a safe place if we end up with a 2025 situation.  But a lot of us are not.
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Well, my marriage is different.  I'm actually part of a multi-partner marriage.  Like you see in the Book of Genesis.  My husband has four wives...and me.  I was kind of an accident, as our community sets the "reasonable maximum" at four wives, but that's a long story.  Plural marriage is approved in my faith community, with the exception of spiritual leaders, as described in 1 Timothy 3.  We believe that anything that isn't specifically prohibited is permitted.    The purpose of marriage is for people to work together, demonstrate the love of God, and to have children.  My faith believes in exponential reproduction - big families with lots of kids, both as a blessing and with the intention of using the size of our population for political ends.  Being intersex/trans and unable to bear children, I wouldn't have been a good candidate to be somebody's only spouse (the majority of our community tends toward traditional couple marriage).  Since my husband has other partners, I don't have to worry about the childbearing aspect, and I help out with raising our family's kids.  I'm a "bonus parent."    I'm not 100% open about my intersex/trans nature, although my community's leaders are aware of me.  Being transgender isn't condemned, but it is seen as a health problem derived from an imperfect, fallen world and an environment polluted with chemicals.  Since I'm married, I have a safe place to be, and I can live how I need to live.    I firmly believe the advice given in 1 Corinthians 7.  We don't totally own our bodies.  God gets a say, as I believe He created us to be male or female, not something outside the binary.  I don't think that transition without discussion with partners is OK....again, we don't totally own ourselves.  When I started to figure myself out, that was actually the main thing on my mind - will my partners accept me?  How will my position in the family change?  Since my partners don't really have a problem with the mild version of transition that I wanted to do, it has all been good. 
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Indeed.  While it seems like the majority of LGBTQ+ folks vote for Democrat candidates, not everybody drinks the Kool-Aid.  I'm a registered Independent, since I vote for individuals rather than party.  One of my trans friends is very pro-Trump - wears her MAGA hat and everything.  I find it interesting to see the reactions she gets... folks aren't always as tolerant as they claim to be.  Even on this forum, you get some real flak from Democrat voters....many will insist that the California way is the only way.    In my opinion, "Project 2025" isn't the real problem.  Check out UN "Agenda 2030."   
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      While Biden may be more friendly to trans folks, I'm not a single-issue voter.  I just can't choose a Democrat candidate, as I believe their actions will destroy my community and way of life.  Biden just announced that he wants to significantly increase capital gains taxes.  Maybe he intends to "tax the rich" but that is going to affect everything from land sales to grocery prices to the cost of electricity and even folks' retirement savings, as most companies make a large amount of their profits through investing in the market.  It is absolute lunacy to think that increased cost or reduced profits won't be passed on to the rest of us.  Things are going to get way worse at this rate.    Mostly, I vote in elections for state and local issues, as the national government is about as pleasant as a Porta-Potty in July.  So, either I'll do a write-in vote for president, or I'll check the box for Trump.  Anything but Biden.     
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Interesting...never knew any of this.  Of course, in my girl form I never got breasts, so I never had to worry about it.  A couple of pieces of tape would have been sufficient...      Sounds like fun   It has been interesting for me since I stopped trying to do sex like a girl.  The real surprise was my relationship with my husband, as he has figured me out pretty well. 
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Women's jeans, soft t-shirt that could go either way, flip-flops. 
    • Abigail Genevieve
      They were sitting on the love seat, looking west out over Kansas.  Below them the busy city ran to and fro.   "They called.  My surgery has been rescheduled for May 8.  I need to be there at 5 AM for pre-op.  I start prescriptions and diet change on May 1."   "Okay."  Bob did his not-thinking-about anything look.  Taylor was always amazed that he could  actually be thinking about absolutely nothing. She was always thinking of at least six things.   "How can they be like that?" "What?"  He startled a little.  Contact with reality was reestablished. "Where does the hate come from?  Mrs. McArthur?  She was always polite, but I think she wasn't really.  Somehow she hated me even though there were no indications whatsoever." "Yeah, well, you know they are starting up that plant.  And my company is going ahead with their work there, down n Milliville.   I will have to go down there sometimes." "Oh, Bob." "Maybe I will stop by and ask her." "No." "No.  Cabaret is closed, I have been told.  Your transgender support group has scattered to other places." "What is wrong with those people?" "Same thing as Roosevelt, I guess.  You know all the racial comments against Blacks?  Like that game where our cheerleaders started this insulting cheer, an the opposite team was mostly Black? Teachers stopped it." "I didn't know.  I was staying away from that, remember?" "Yes." "You know all those kids at our church, the ones you called freaks the other day?" "I shouldn't have called them that." "Pastor tells me they are all from all over the Midwest.  These are kids who have been thrown out of their homes and were found on the street.  Other shelters would not take them, so they wound up here." "Not surprising." "I think we could do some good here." "What do you have in mind?" And she told him.
    • EasyE
      You are spot on here ... but also it seems like such a rigged game for the average person that it's hard to invest energy into the political arena -- too much big money controlling too many people/organizations/narratives for the common person to fee; heard...   In general, why we in America accept either candidate is baffling... for all our innovation as a nation, we can't do better than these two bozos?    The problem is, the political arena is such a sham -- again with large money controlling all aspects of the system -- that a common-sense, love-your-neighbor, make-reasonable-compromises, roll-up-your-sleeves-and-get-to-work candidate will never make it anywhere above the local level (if even there)...    Everything is a reality show, and boring ol' decision makers that try to benefit the most people don't generate enough clicks, views and retweets...  I am not sure it is so much about celebrity as it is about party politics at all costs - "my side must always be viewed as right and your side must always be viewed as wrong!" kind of thinking... there is no consensus building anymore because that will get used against you in campaign ads... When Obama took office and then Hilary ran again, it was like all Republicans want to do was to find someone loud enough to put them in their place. Forget issues, forget character, just win a debate and rally the base.    To get back to your original point, not enough of us care about politics ... and in some ways we've become fat, happy and entitled as a nation. The yearning to achieve the "American dream", which drove my parents and their parents before them to work their tails off and sacrifice and save, is now just "give me the American dream for free while I sit here on my phone and watch tiktok..."
    • Abigail Genevieve
      You are in the right place.
    • EasyE
      I am about 5 weeks ahead of you ... best wishes to you! For me it has been subtle changes at most so far (if any) ... but I am also on the "beginner's" level of patch, lol ...    Easy
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Oh, another comment.   I am a conservative evangelical with strong Republican leanings. So is my wife, my friends, my family. I disagree with a good amount of what the Republicans are doing, but there it is.  I understand the mindset, I think, a lot better than those who are outside it do.   When you insult Republicans you insult me, my friends, my family.   People like me can struggle with trans issues.   Please consider that in posting.
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...