COMING OUT or: I’m Misgendered, yet it was Lovely Moment for Us Both

[Violet]

This is the fourth in a Series of reports of the past 6 months of my transitioning.

This was, seriously, a beautiful moment that I’m proud of—for both me & the young man who misgendered me. I was getting a movie ticket & since the machine wasn’t cooperating, I had to go to an actual person, behind the glass. He was a kid, maybe 16 or 17. I’m head-to-toe presenting, from wig-to-heels. His voice truly had zero tone; no sarcasm, no irony: nothing.

“Can I help you sir?”

“Ma’am, please?”

“I’m sorry. Can I help you, Ma’am?”

“One adult for Ad Astra.”

“Alright. I’ll need you to pick out your seat on the chart here?”

I examine the thing & tell him the number. “Yes, Ma’am. That’ll be $10.75.”

“Ok.” I’m taking out my brand-new lavender wallet; the slots for the cards are extremely tight, so I’m having to futz with it for a moment. As I’m doing so he says, softly, “Again. I’m sorry about that.” I’ve got the debit card (finally!) & hand it to him so he can charge it. I meet his gaze gently and say with a tiny smirk: “It’s ok. I’m getting used to it myself.”

 

            Am I a softie? I don’t think so. But you’re allowed to disagree. Regardless, I’ll always treasure that moment we had together.

[Laura76]

Hi Violet,

 

When someone misgenders me, then apologizes, and corrects themselves, I  practice forgiveness, and acknowledge their mistake.  Those that ignore my correct gender after telling them, I don't practice forgiveness.

[ShawnaLeigh]

I’m newly out and about in public and have not had one mis-gender I incidence and even at work presenting male the entire staff uses my correct name and pronouns.  They asked my forgiveness up front as they know some will slip.  I told them since I’m still presenting male I completely understand thst.  I say however once I’m full female and someone keeps “forgetting” I will remind politely then remind sternly.  

[Violet]

Hi Laura & Shawna!! It's great to hear from y'all--especially on this thorny topic.

 

Laura, I deeply respect that notion of forgiveness for those that have earned it. 100%. Otherwise, one is either being asceticist/self-loathing or just a bit of a gullible sap, right? I've been (to date) very lucky in my social transitioning (something I write about in future reports); thus, I've not had to deal with a (shall we say?) Repeat Offender. When I do, I hope I will respond wisely. However, I have preemptively admonished myself thusly: There is no need to defend your honor to a complete stranger who is being legally rude. Move on without escalation. They ain't family! You've No Idea what they may or may not do. [But that's just what works for me, doubtless; we've all got our own ways & means.]

 

Shawna, I'm happy for you! Especially at work! I also like your approach. I read (or saw) somewhere: If they keep misgendering you even after you've corrected them, ignore them until they get it right. This, however, seems a bit impractical, perhaps even naive/idealist. In your workplace example, I like your use of the word sternly. At work, when it is blatantly obvious, it is probably better to make your disapproval blatantly obvious to the misgenderer, as well. As we saw in Britain's Maya Forstater case (y' know, the "gender critical" feminist (sic) JK Rowling lent her support too?), when a fellow employee is steadfastly misgendering a trans* person whilst the workplace rules assert they should not, they've not a leg to stand on.

 

Cheers ladies!! -Violet.

 

[Lexi C]

Hey Violet. Yeah I been there Sometimes I correct the person , other times, I just get so self conscious and nervous I leave and cry . However, if the person is being rude then I will get up on their grill and speak my mind..I only had to do it few times . So far the persons will either -censored- and apologetic  . But I really hate when Cis women say to me whether but mistake or ignorance. be safe ,be proud and kick ass

[Violet]

Hi Alex!! Thanks for these kind words; they help this "baby" transgirl feel supported by a loving community. You've spoken your mind a few times? Oh, goodness! I don't know if I could do that. But good for you that you can! Sticking up for oneself can really shock them into (something like) shame, or at least, embarrassment. And maybe that can cause them to change for the better. Lastly, I also feel the extra hurt when the offender is a ciswoman. Sexist or whatever it is within me, I can't help but wonder Don't you realize we're on the same team? If not sisters, at least step-sisters? I still believe things are changing for the better, however! If I feel down? Playing Brandi Carlile's trans-ally anthem"The Joke" works wonders for my soul... : )