Do I belong somewhere?

[Guest]

(first post OO) plus I might be wrong with the grades because in france the system is ssooooo diferent

 

So I am questionning A LOT about my gender and all my life I repeated to myself I would NEVER be trans ( XD my Ideas of trans were limited at trans sexual with surgery, I didn't know about all this little world and FtM<3)

Well now I don't really know. I never understood what were the positivs parts of being a female/girl. All the make up thing the shaving the acting like one the CONVERSATIONS i found non interesting (don't take it personnaly for some) But I always repeated to people who said "oops sorry you're a girl (didn't notice)" I was like I AM ONE. But am I really? When I was in primary school (?) I used to think Boy=Boyfriend XD so I didn't really tried to be friends with them. I did have friends girls in primary school they were nice, it was really in 6th and 7th grade where they started to be none interesting to me. And arriving at middle school (in 8th grade)  I met guys!! All sooo nice. I thought I finally belonged somewhere! But there was always A thing. Some times in a middle of a conversation I could hear "you can't understand", "I shouldn't say that to a girl" and stuff like that... It was a proof for  I didn't belong in the group. But I still argued a LOT with my friends saying how much they were lucky to be guys (they never understood XD). So in all 9th grade (?) I was alone with my books. (and potatoes) I actually liked it cause they were no "rules".

But very young I still wanted to be a girl I even had those "feminin moments" (clearly didn't like it). I wanted to be as cool as my mom. So I thought about make up and all. The thing is it didn't suit me AT ALL. I felt disgust. I often felt like a boy in a scurt.... For not making it personnaly taken I would say Mario in Peach's costume (that can be funny). I directly forgot make up ugh and I had an idea of wearing a dress 1time/year. Every time I wore one people were like "woooow you are so cute" and all I felt proud in a way, but still uncomfortable.

And I arrived in hight school! The questionning moment. Something happend every time. Ugh. The toilets. Every time I would get in girls would be looking at me with this judging look! Or sometimes block me saying "hey this is the lady's room!" I was sooo angry at them. But even if, I still felt kinda proud because they thought I was a guy (don't ask that is weird).

And one day I found out about LGBTQ world. I already heard of it before but vaguely. It was a guy who said something like "T'es qu'une LGBT quoi" that means "you're just an LGBT" in a so dispit way.

And I heard thank's to a YouTuber The world of FtM. He described every thing! Good and bad. He also talked about other things like NB or Queer and a lot of others stuff there was sooo much tips. And I started asking thousands of questions!!! In a very very positiv way. But I wasn't sure I used to say I was 65% sure. The thing that blocked me the most was MY BOYFRIEND!!!! Yaaaaaaay 

I often had fun before questioning him about "what if I was a guy would you date me??" he said "NO"... yay... So I thought OK maybe it was a joke and all y'know..

But I still had to tell him, because he saw something was in my mind. I first decided to talk about it to my room mate (boarding school of my hight school). She really didn't care but I had to talk about it to some one... I felt really ALONE! So I also told my group of friends in the Boarding school. They were SSSoooo open about it. THey started to call me Chess (for Chase) like I asked [it was my first Idea of a name because it is realy close to my initial name]. And it was soo weird. I think my smile looked like a banana linking my two ears. And after a conversation with my mom (who still doesn't know) I found out that she wanted me to be "Ethan" if I was a boy! So Tadaaaa I am Ethan!

And than came the moment of telling it to my boyfriend. The worst. We were together it was a beautifull day ahahaha I broke it ... He saw something was on so I finally told him He webt from "this is normal 'she' is normally sad some times" to "WWAAIIIT WHAAAAT?" if I didn't know what happend I would be laughting.. SO then he thought a lot of things, I explained a lot of things and weirdly all of it didn't seem as positiv as I thought. The last things I rememberd of this conversation is you're birthname is also a guy name (which is NOT) you don't have to change it", "guys have different standarts that you don't have" and the worst "I-would-NEVER-call-you-Him-He-or-Ethan" and than finished properly by "but it is you're life you're choices don't base it on me"...Positiffff.

At this moment my head went from the 65% sure to I want to stay female at -100% and change at -100% I just wanted to be part of something bbe in the right place. But I just feel that as a girl my body is wrong. There is a thing I was used to do was to lower my computer's screen to not see my reflexion. I didn't know why I was ashaimed. And when i finnaly found out why I felt proud! And the conversation, I didn't even look at a mirror. So I searched every where advices and I wanted to talk to someone who knew. (When I found this forum yesterday I felt reliefed!). I remember doing this drawing also:

 

Ok the picuter is a bit big 00' oops but yeah the meaning is easy to understand (I think) I didn't feel right. But I know I am not depressiv I was younger and since then I know I will never be again.

But  I still feel like I should be a guy. I tried to see a bit how It could be.

I met a guy one day. we just talked and he finally said "yeah I the first time I saw you I was like oh she or he sorry if I don't know taks english" at this moment my brain ran a marathon I finally said "call me him/ he" I felt so excited my heart was pounding sooo much !!! Then when came the moment he asked my name was magical. I think I waited almost 3 seconds to finnaly say Ethan. He laughed because of that you know like I forgot my name it was soooo coooll Ifelt soo happy!!! ( ^w^) I felt normal. Like nothing was wrong with me.

And I think this is the feeling I seek. Also it was in sport where the teacher wanted us to do the 'girl parcour' and the 'guy parcour' ( =n=). You know what I did I first ran the reglemented 2parcours at the gir parcour and then did my last one on the other one! It was the first time I really enjoyed running (and that is rare XD) The best moment was the stunned face of the teacher who said that my time was better on the guy parcour than the girl one. I was sooooooooo happy. It felt noice I can't say how much!!  !!

But still the moment I think about telling it to my parents or just coming out to people who already know me scares me A LOT!

Plus the standarts things that said my boyfriend scared me too. I felt I wasn't masculin enough. And the thing is that I can't take T or anything (because my choice is too soon nad my parents don't know). So I try soooo much to be the most masculin possible so please give me the most tips possible!

So like says the song "I need to know"

 

Well that was a pretty big text!! ( 00')

It is just that I feel like I had to tell someone because when I am in front of someone all the words fly away and I finish saying "bluh bluh"

So please guys I need support because men I need it ( 00')

[Lexi C]

Hey Its very difficult to accept certain aspects of life, especially when your transgender. Your Body say one thing, but  your mind say another. I feel your pain and understand your frustration. I am 56  been on HRT for 18months, I was fully time cross dress since I was 47 and I still think to myself; " Am I making the right choice? I don't even know where I belong?" I will tell what every one else on this site will suggest. Seek a Gender Therapist, or a school consular and start your conversation there. Don't be afraid to open up, be really. I hope this helps. BE Safe, Be Proud, and Kick Ass

[Guest]

Thank's I'll try with the school counsellor because with my parents the therapist might be hard. And I'll kick some ass!! (especially potatoes) thanx

[Guest]

Wait all the schools are closed... maaan Corona you're not helping yknow

[Lexi C]

oh yeah try a gender therapist .I think this site provide some link to online one's. You should check it out. Yeah Corna thing is a causing some much problems and inconvenience for all of us. Be Safe 

[Guest]

thank's I'll check some online therapist. Danke