The worst of two worlds

[Carolinexd]

I'm presenting myself: I'm Caroline, MTF pre-transition. 

I'm 41 and Im married and I have 3 kids.

The title of this post reflects my actual situation, and relates to coming out, intimacy and more.

 

In middle 2018 i have a insight that clearly mark that im trans. Then i recall moments of my life that remark that, only shaded by negation,guilt, and sobrecompensate many times. I thougt that i'm too old to transition, but since that day i never could go back. In april 2019 in a near dead situation i decide that the life is one and that i need to transition.  I read much and decide to start transitioning secretly, then i start with very basic HRT (almost placebo for feeling like i doing something) and seek for a Gender oriented psycologist.  Then i'm start thinking the best way to come out, with who, everithing like i read in the posts. But all can't be so good...

 

Mi wife open my backpack withou my permission and found a envelope for psycologist (needed because of derivation) and read all my case, all my thougs, without my permision. Not only that, she tells EVERYONE, yes EVERYONE, to my direct family (my parents, her parents), my cousins, my friends (ALL my friends, not only best friends). No intimacy any more... 

 

For other part, she activate my guilt (with my kids), then i prefer to accept a "reasonable doubt" to be -crappy- father, then i discard gender oriented therapist and go with her to a Psychiatrist, the psychiatrist says that (old scool) i have "a personality disorder"  but is political incorrect to say but treat me with Quetiapine and Sodium divalproate.  

 

Really i only accept all this by guilt, and because my wife threatened me with no seeing my kids anymore.... And then for the sake of not receiving more and more higher doses of Quetiapine and Divalproate I say that i'm better.  

Thats not true in any form. I'm not better, but I not want more psychiatric drugs in my organism. I'm slow and sleepy.  

 

In this moment im not doing any transition, not accepting my reality, i missed my intimacy, lose part of my family and friends, and almost broke mi marriage. Worst of both worlds, the problems of transition without doing it. How can I continue with this? I'm feeling lost.

 

Sorry for my english, is not my language.

Caroline

[Jackie C.]

I'm sorry Caroline, but you've just highlighted a big part of the trans experience. There is no guarantee that anyone in your wife will accept you for who you really are. Transitioning means weighing what you stand to lose (physical intimacy with your wife, friends, access to your children, you job, etc...) against what you have to gain, which is living as your authentic self.

 

In my case, and for others, the choice came down to either coming out and living as a woman or finding a way to kill myself that still let my wife collect my death benefits. That's not entirely true; not everyone was concerned about their wife collecting benefits. That wasn't much of a choice, so I talked to a therapist and then came out to my wife.

 

A few years later I'm talking to you. I've been undergoing HRT for about eighteen months now. I had my bottom surgery in February. My legal name is feminine. I was working on gender markers when COVID hit, so that's on hold until the government opens again. My wife is supportive and I've made a bunch of new friends. That said, I'm very, very lucky. If you look around the site, you'll find people who suddenly found themselves homeless, divorced or worse.

 

So yeah, you've seen what you stand to lose. You know what you have to gain. There isn't a cure to being transgendered. You need to ask yourself what you're willing to give up to live as yourself. I wish I could give you an easy answer or make it go away with a wave of my wand. Unfortunately, life doesn't work like that.

 

Hugs!

[ShawnaLeigh]

39 minutes ago, Jackie C. said:

So yeah, you've seen what you stand to lose. You know what you have to gain. There isn't a cure to being transgendered. You need to ask yourself what you're willing to give up to live as yourself. I wish I could give you an easy answer or make it go away with a wave of my wand. Unfortunately, life doesn't work like that.

This is correct.  
Some manage to get through coming out with a wife that fully supports them.  Most do not. I’m one who is looking at Ann eventual divorce but by far in a stressful or difficult situation.  We have worked it out and doing thing together for now.  
Im sorry you were outed like that. That’s truly Terrible to have your whole world told that way with nothing from you.  This places you in defense mode not seeking friends loved ones or allies. I’m so sorry. 
But like JackieC said you can survive this.  
Now is the time to decide what you need.  What will be healthy for you and to protect yourself and your kids.  But know this.  Being transgender is not a choice. You were born this way and there is nothing to be ashamed of.  You have every right to be who you are and who you want to be.  Do not negotiate away your basic human rights to make others happy comfortable or nicer to you.  You deserve you.  Jmo

[Carolinexd]

19 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

In my case, and for others, the choice came down to either coming out and living as a woman or finding a way to kill myself that still let my wife collect my death benefits. That's not entirely true; not everyone was concerned about their wife collecting benefits. That wasn't much of a choice, so I talked to a therapist and then came out to my wife.

 

Jackie, in my life had two suicidal attemps ended in intensive care (last only saved by miracle), in the last year i had suicidal ideation of exactly same as you comment (how to simulate cardiac arrest with Q-T interval prolongation plus digitalics) for not voiding life insurance.

Is incredible how much all us are almost a mirror, and how difficult is that everyone else understand us.  In this moment, thanks to future planning and some part of therapy, i left the negative thoughts behind.

 

Thanks to you and Shawna for your supportive words, it's what I need for continue. Last months (november to today) was difficult, I gain 30 pounds in two months and half, moving away from my more feminine image... I expect i could loss those pounds in the next year o so...  How difficult is to advance and how easy is to come backwards...

 

19 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

So yeah, you've seen what you stand to lose. You know what you have to gain. There isn't a cure to being transgendered. You need to ask yourself what you're willing to give up to live as yourself. I wish I could give you an easy answer or make it go away with a wave of my wand. Unfortunately, life doesn't work like that.

 

I'm transgendered, its easy and simple, but, in the best conversations, my wife does not claim me for what I am but when I decided to do it, she asks me at least to wait for my children to be older, but ask me too much, she ask me for more than 5 years... and in my interior the time counts in days, then ... desesperate....

 

19 hours ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

Now is the time to decide what you need.  What will be healthy for you and to protect yourself and your kids.  But know this.  Being transgender is not a choice. You were born this way and there is nothing to be ashamed of.  You have every right to be who you are and who you want to be.  Do not negotiate away your basic human rights to make others happy comfortable or nicer to you.  You deserve you.  Jmo

 

Thanks for you words, i'm trying to reach to this point. I'm processing my guilt for my auto-acceptance. 

 

My country has two very distinctive things: a VERY GOOD (or THE BEST) Gender law in the world, and EXCELLENT health cover for surgeries and treatments (all free of charge), but the downside of very transphobic society.  Then is very easy to access to change documents and all health treatments, but difficult to go out to streets if you not pass very well. 

 

Thanks to both for kindly words!!! I'm glad to reach this forums.

Caroline

 

[Susan R]

On 3/26/2020 at 8:04 AM, Carolinexd said:

Not only that, she tells EVERYONE, yes EVERYONE, to my direct family (my parents, her parents), my cousins, my friends (ALL my friends, not only best friends). No intimacy any more... 

Hi Caroline, I wish there was an easy answer how to fix this mess your wife expedited.  It’s a very complicated situation. One thing for sure, your wife did not expose you out of love for you...it was vindictive. This is playing dirty and a rotten way to treat a spouse.  I don’t care how hurt she may have been, that was completely over the top.

The reply from @Jackie C. was perfectly on point. There is a choice we (trans individuals) have to make.  Your wife apparently wants you to wait for the children before you act on this or make any changes.  That’s a major compromise.  If my wife treated me the way yours treated you, I’d ask her to join me to couples therapy and find out if the marriage is still viable.  There should be more compromise in a marriage than ultimatums and threats.  I’d want to know why she did such a hurtful thing causing so much long term damage to all your relationships.  I can only speak from a point of view of what I’d do.  I know your situation is much different, especially with younger children involved.  Mine are all grown up and have little impact on our daily life. You have some very difficult choices coming up.  Try not to make all the compromises and put yourself back into a box...we all know how that ends. You’re the one that needs to stick up for your own well being...your wife certainly doesn’t seem to.  You need to be happy too.

 

And btw...Welcome! ??

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?