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CreepyConfusedKid

I am so confused.

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Kaltia_Atlas

Not strange at all. I have always played female characters on my games. It's always helped me affirm who I am on the inside... Even if I'm not on the outside

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Kian
On 4/9/2020 at 4:02 AM, CreepyConfusedKid said:

Now here's the problem:
Some times when I feel like a girl, a few minutes later I'll deny it and feel like a boy again.
Sometimes I want to be a girl but sometimes I want to stay a boy.

First thing I want to ask is how long have you been feeling this way? Acceptance of any identity will take time to process, and perhaps you're in the denial phase right now. Instead of thinking that you may be transgender, which is a huge step, experiment with other identities. When I was first questioning, I was a lot like you, where I would deny my feelings of being male and ended up temporarily IDing as genderfluid. For me, that ID was a stepping stone to realize how I truly felt and giving myself that time to process these transgender feelings, and that was what I needed to become comfortable with myself and to not rush myself, or rush into anything. 

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CreepyConfusedKid

I can fully accept if I'm trans... I'm just worried I might forget all my childhood memories.

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VickySGV

Age which is my major memory concern and HRT have not dimmed the significant memories of my childhood and better yet have put in them in a better context so they actually mean more.

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Mx.Drago
6 hours ago, CreepyConfusedKid said:

Is it strange that whenever I play an online game as a female character I feel less dysphoria?

No it's no strange. I totally agree with @Kaltia_Atlas . It helps even a little bit to take that inside part that's stuck and display it.

1 hour ago, CreepyConfusedKid said:

I can fully accept if I'm trans... I'm just worried I might forget all my childhood memories.

You're not going to forget your childhood memories. Though you might not remember them fully, they will haunt you like the Ghost of Christmas Past. But it's a good thing a lot of us have a whole lot of future to look forward to, we just need to live through it.

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CreepyConfusedKid

I know my parents won't ever accept me... That's another thing that's stressing me out.

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Mx.Drago
37 minutes ago, CreepyConfusedKid said:

I know my parents won't ever accept me... That's another thing that's stressing me out.

My parents aren't exactly open armed on the subject either, and it is very stressful. But at some point it won't matter what they think, you just worry bout getting what you want and need, at your pace. You only get one life so you might as well enjoy it to the best of your abilities, so long as you don't make a habit of physically hurt yourself and the people around you. Beside your parents are grown adults, they had their own fun times and can always get more, you barely just started. Your parents feelings might get hurt, but hurt feelings won't kill them and they'll manage to survive, as best grown adults can.

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CreepyConfusedKid

I just realised... Ever since I was born there were thousands of signs that I wouldn't be cisgender forever.

It almost feels like destiny...

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CreepyConfusedKid

Btw I also crossdress a lot

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Emily michelle

Cross dressing is what finally made me realize I was transgender. Even  though I cross dressed for a long time. I was not willing to admit to myself that I was transgender.

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Mx.Drago
51 minutes ago, CreepyConfusedKid said:

Btw I also crossdress a lot

Power to you. Make all the birds jealous. 😉

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KymmieL

I thought I was just a crossdresser for years. Then I started to learn about different things that trans people do with out even knowing yet. For years my father asked me why I joined the military. I always told him the same thing, I really didn't know why I did. until maybe 3-4 years ago. when I read that transgender people often join the military to prove that they are manly men.  Ding, ding, ding the light flickers on. Plus other things that happened in the past. finally told me, Hey dumb arse you really are a girl. I was 53 when I came to that realization.

 

I have came out to my immediate family, only the middle son of three accept me. It has been almost a month since I talked to my oldest when I came out to him. my wife and youngest son do not accept me. So I am at a stalling point in my transition.

 

I agree with the others, seek guidance from a therapist or counselor. They helped me.

 

Kymmie

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sleepinflame
9 hours ago, Emily michelle said:

Cross dressing is what finally made me realize I was transgender. Even  though I cross dressed for a long time. I was not willing to admit to myself that I was transgender.

 

 

This starts to get close to one of the key puzzles for me.  I always wanted to be a girl but I didn't feel I was one.  I never thought about cross dressing.  I think it is deep deep automatic mental defenses.  I wouldn't display anything that would ever give anyone a way to get an emotional lever on me, so I would never never think about that.  But just wanting to push the Red Button and be a girl?  Of course, as fast as my arm could move to push it.

 

So if you are in the state, "I was not willing to admit to myself that I was transgender", is it because you weren't sure you wanted to be a girl or you didn't want to rock the boat and be vulnerable?

 

--Grace

 

P.S.  two videos which meant a lot to me in figuring some things out.

 

Question number two in this video will blow your mind.  I really really like the person who does this video:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Jg95FN_7CE

 

I like this youtuber, my internal filters say she is what she says she is (a gender therapist), but that's just my opinion, I haven't verified.  The point is that the question she gets to in the end is so good, it doesn't matter what her credentials really are.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0MXYWAdw7O8

 

 

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CreepyConfusedKid

I haven't told my friends yet but I'm sure they'll accept me instantly when I do

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CreepyConfusedKid

I've heard many people saying that trans people can't live normal lives...

Idk if it's true or not

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michelle_kitten
32 minutes ago, CreepyConfusedKid said:

I've heard many people saying that trans people can't live normal lives...

Idk if it's true or not

 

So, what is a normal lie?  Like having a career, getting you're own place, having a car, a vacation every year?  That's totally possible.  Having friends?  That's possible.  Like getting married and starting a family?  That's possible, just not in the same way cis people do it.  Maybe its because trans people get hate from some other people?  Totally every one gets hated on, and sometimes for no reason at all.

 

There are total trade offs for being trans or gay or anything else the world doesn't actually consider mainstream.  Yeah, there are people who will treat you different, or things you have to do differently, but there are def good and bad to either way.

 

So, i totally guess on what you think is normal, and what you mean by not live a normal life.

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A. Dillon
33 minutes ago, CreepyConfusedKid said:

I've heard many people saying that trans people can't live normal lives...

Idk if it's true or not

No, that is not at all true. I am living a semi normal life right now, and I have not even gotten on HRT yet. When I am at school, I am just Dillon, no questions asked. I go to the right bathrooms, I am seen as a guy, and while it takes a couple of months to settle in it is totally worth it. Plus, what does "normal" even mean? If it means healthy and fulfilling, then there is no way for a trans person to live a normal life without transitioning. I am sure that there are many people on here who transitioned when they were older who can tell you that there was always something missing before, and they are only really living their lives now. Some trans people, me included, can choose to stealth, as in live their daily lives without talking openly about being trans. If you feel uncomfortable with people possibly judging you for it, then there is always that route. I don't know who these "many people" are, but they deserve a swift kick in the shin.

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VickySGV
1 hour ago, A. Dillon said:

I am sure that there are many people on here who transitioned when they were older who can tell you that there was always something missing before, and they are only really living their lives now.

 

At 72 and came out 12 years ago, I call that one 100% true.

 

1 hour ago, CreepyConfusedKid said:

I've heard many people saying that trans people can't live normal lives...

 

Tell me what "normal" is and I will probably tell you that Not Being Normal is the best thing about being Trans.   My Trans crowd is a bunch of Awesome, Fabulous, well above average people in their abilities to be who they really are. Yes, it is true that some of them struggle with life in various ways, but Trans People do come together and help each other above "normal" and that is a good thing. 

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NB Adult
1 hour ago, VickySGV said:

Tell me what "normal" is and I will probably tell you that Not Being Normal is the best thing about being Trans.   My Trans crowd is a bunch of Awesome, Fabulous, well above average people in their abilities to be who they really are. Yes, it is true that some of them struggle with life in various ways, but Trans People do come together and help each other above "normal" and that is a good thing. 

 

*Yes This* And those dutifully living in their assigned boxes often times are abnormally unhappy and depressed.

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Charlize

I posted a picture of the dial on my washing machine once.  The word normal there is about the only place it belongs.  There may even come a time when i go to the market without a mask and feel safe.

Today i know i and the world are not normal but perhaps i'm Abby normal.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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Ellora
8 hours ago, CreepyConfusedKid said:

I've heard many people saying that trans people can't live normal lives...

Idk if it's true or not

I havent seen "Normal" yet, anywhere, describe it, take a picture, and I will keep an extra eye out. 😉

 

 

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Mx.Drago
4 hours ago, Charlize said:

I posted a picture of the dial on my washing machine once.  The word normal there is about the only place it belongs.  There may even come a time when i go to the market without a mask and feel safe.

Today i know i and the world are not normal but perhaps i'm Abby normal.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

I got the Young Frankenstein reference...🤣

39 minutes ago, Ellora said:

I havent seen "Normal" yet, anywhere, describe it, take a picture, and I will keep an extra eye out. 😉

 

 

🤣❤️ May what divines there may be, bless you both @Charlize and @Ellora, for you both are beautiful souls.

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CreepyConfusedKid

Usually my dysphoria only lasts a few days... But this time it's been here for more than a month!

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Mx.Drago

I think it's safe to say, it's been crazy for everybody for past couple of months. At least you're not alone in the feeling.😶

3 hours ago, CreepyConfusedKid said:

Usually my dysphoria only lasts a few days... But this time it's been here for more than a month!

😕

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Dana Michelle
On 5/22/2020 at 4:52 AM, CreepyConfusedKid said:

Is it strange that whenever I play an online game as a female character I feel less dysphoria?

I used to play a computer game called nethack, which uses text to draw a map and monsters are represented with letters. It displays text messages at the top of the screen to explain what is happening in the game. A screenshot of the game is at https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/NetHack#/media/File:Nethack_releasing_a_djinni.png to see what I'm talking about. The player's character is represented by a @ symbol. The player selects a gender at the beginning of the game and it always felt good to select female, even though I don't actually see a female character (the player is a @ whether male or female) and it has little effect in the game. Sometimes the character is referred to with pronouns in the text messages. There is an amulet in the game that causes the player's gender to change. I am always disappointed when that happened and it felt uncomfortable to continue so I ended the game and started over. It's not strange at all to me to feel better about playing a female character in a game. It felt better to me even in a game where gender is not noticed much.

 

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