My Situation

[Guest PowerToTheSocks]

The farthest that I can remember having suspensions of myself with a different gender identity than what I was assigned by my the people around is around six or seven years old. I honestly don't remember much other than a few scattered events that have next to nothing to do with it other than the usual 'little kid' stuff that most people have, I didn't even remember looking people as nothing other than people, before the time I knew what genitalia was...I just saw 'girls' and 'boys' as just what their parents presented their children as, the people around that age group all seemed a little too similar to really group them as remarkably different - sure I could generally identify someone as male or female around that age. Adults were a little more obvious since I actually came up with the theory of growing breasts or more hair as an conscious choice. :3

But still my...skin and body just didn't feel right - I had no idea what it was, didn't really ask. I didn't try to pull of my jeans and try on my older sister's clothing, I didn't really go into the bathroom for makeup, I didn't come up to my parents asking to be called a 'she'. I didn't come to my parents about it since I actually considered myself as 'normal', and that such feelings were something that everyone felt and were of no real consequence.

I generally enjoyed (and still do, actually) quite a few things that are generally attributes of a 'male': I watched DBZ as almost every little boy did that was born in the early 90s, I enjoyed movies or video games for 'guys' and I really didn't even try to push the idea of myself as a girl until the recent few years - all more to myself than anyone else. In a way I was more like a girl was that: I was very sensitive and cried when I was past the age limit where it was easily accepted for a dude to cry, I was kind of shy but...then again that does happen to men often and I didn't really have that many friends growing up, I had some ticks and gestures that were attributes to females, I didn't really like sports...then again there are lots of women that could punch someone at a match because they were on an opposing time. I was often ridiculed as being sissy and later as gay because of it.

Once I entered middle/junior high school, my feelings on it where more or less still repressed and I just told myself that what was between my legs was just what was right and true, and that I was just little more sensitive than most guys and that was okay. Once I hit puberty...everything just seemed really disturbing to me and I began entering an almost permanent state of melancholy, I never seemed to connect with what was told to me about the transformation from boy to young man and that I should be proud about it. Everything just...became more bleak and I wasn't quite sure of what it was, and my grades suffered to a point that just let me pass but I'm still worried on how it would to an employer. I once again told myself that it was just an experience that everyone has, no matter who they are - even if the adult interpretation of it was more or less different than what I felt.

Around the time when I was beginning high school and exiting middle school...it was kind of my revelation for my world view, on most political and social view generally accepted by society and went in the left side of the spectrum. My melancholy stayed, my awkwardness on who I was still stayed and I was still very shy, I enjoyed very supportive friends who I love to tiny little bits that I made in 8th grade. But...generally my condition emotionally worsened, I cried more often but always in private, I had various outbursts at school that were just pointed to just as anxiety about puberty despite it winding down from the more 'dramatic' changes, my stress skyrocketed and began putting aside more and more of my schoolwork and just barely passed 9th grade - it was also attributed to puberty from everyone and just plain laziness to generally the same people. By my sophomore year I was just miserable, began having very long periods of time when I just thought of suicide and even attempted on earlier by...painful means that left a rather bad headache for a few days after (this was in middle school), my grades dropped extremely and I generally just swam in depression before finally dropping out last year in hope of a different educational program that I'll probably start this year.

Now, I'm a rather reclusive person that is less depressed and angry and have actually researching if I was MtF over the past months after my dropping out before coming out to my dad about it a few months ago privately and joining this site just two days ago (activated just today, I thought the activation process was different).

I'm really afraid of coming out to the rest of my immediate family and close friends primary because I don't really want to lose them...I love my family but they just seem so different and generally distant; my father is at work often since I was little, my mother just seems to show very little interest in me at all (my father has hinted it was probably more her being afraid of approaching me since she knows very little) and my sister is moving out of the house despite her financial problems for her two years of being a legal adult and has recently overheard me attempting to contact a local support group and didn't seem very happy about it from what my dad has said. With my friends its a little different and I've been around them so long...I have no idea how they'll react and their views are very similar to mine in many way, they defiantly accept my bisexual male friend and his current boyfriend...I've been friends with them longer than any of my previous friends even if it's only been three years but I just want to be alone.

I live in a moderate area of the US and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be accepted that well if I publicly come out. My dad doesn't seem so accepting of the idea as his son of 15 years as his second daughter or anything else and has openly admitted that he probably wouldn't be able to financially support me if I want to start hormonal therapy and isn't really sure on a gender counselor, I'm even wondering if I should call a school counselor that probably isn't qualified but still helped my feel better earlier in life.

What are your thoughts?

[Guest Eth]

I could relate to most of your story, and I think that you will find a lot of other people here can as well. The feelings that you described seem to be incredibly common here, and I think you really should stay and look around, as once you get to know people and read about their experiences you may start to learn more about yourself.

Welcome to Laura's, and good luck on finding your true identity.

[Sally]

Hey, I thin I just welcomed you a minute ago!

Your story sounds so familiar and parts will really hit just about everyone here.

We are not the ones to tell you exactly who you are, male or female, crossdresser, androgyne or whatever.

You have to find that out for yourself and the best way to start on any journey into territory unfamiliar to you is to hire an experienced guide - in this case a therapist trained and specializing in Gender Identity Disorders.

They won't 'tell' you who you are but they will be there to help point you in the right direction and then help you along the journey of transitioning if that is your path.

In the meantime, we will all share our little bits of knowlege with you.

We are all afraid of losing friends and family but sometimes that is what it takes to be ourselves.

Love ya,

Sally