Therapist being pushy?

[Maddee]

Friday I got reacquainted with a therapist I was working with last year.  He counts transgender issues as one of his primary specialties and has counseled people through complete transitions. He's the third counselor ive tried since I started transitioning again, and worked with each at least a year.  He is by far the most knowledgeable, though all 3 advertised trans specialty.  The first two I saw turned out not to have knowledge.

In our previous work, he gave me the push and assisted me with name and gender change, and coaxing me towards bottom surgery. I think his pushing is because of changes in medical insurance now covering this surgery in this state.  At the same time he has been discouraging me from considering things like FFS, and to some extent BA, I think because these are not covered by Medicare insurance. I am covered by Medicare and Medicaid, and my HRT co-pays are incredibly good. Same for the therapy, and possibly GCS.

In this telemedicine session, I was trying to talk about issues seeking employment and relocating, as my new name and gender.  My hope is for a new life and live it right. Hoping that transitioning is the way. I will most likely lose my insurance!! but i could succeed and maybe even get insurance coverage for all procedures, not just GCS.  Maybe even electro! Or earn and save to pay it myself. That's who the winning version of me is. Not being like the very depressed and unstable man on disability who I have wasted my life being.

These are all wonderful opportunities.

I don't think he believes I can do it, which is why it seems hes pushing
me to get the GCS now while it is covered. 
Another transitioned client notch in his belt?
Concern of future policy changes that could take the coverage away?

Told him I'm not ready for bottom surgery, still want to learn more about different procedures. Acclimate to the knowledge available.
 I pointed out that in my current situation I will never afford the genital area electrolysis needed.
I'm really more concerned about what I can do about blending in physically.  Females run in groups for safety. As I am I'm a loner. I would very much like to assimilate and survive.

I told him i want to work with him about these issues and things like:

I don't think I hate my genitals. That much. Occasionally disappointed.

Not particularly attracted to, nor desired having, a vagina.

Despite these points, I have real dysphoria in the sexual act, and desiring/envisioning/mindsharing being the female partner.  More intense when I'm in those situations -it's really been a long while now. It's been easy to just feel numb sometimes instead of dealing with surgery I don't desperately crave.

Clocks ticking though.
I didn't change my name and GENDER MARKER to not do it...  I'm confused.

I told him I want to work on all the above before contacting GCS surgeons.
I've been on HRT around 9 months

So he said my homework is he wants me to contact the two surgeons in the state doing vaginoplasties and inquire about getting on their waiting lists and insurance approval.

Nothing about what I said.

Am I wrong to question?  Can anyone offer a third perspective?
I haven't been able to sleep lately and I've been thinking weird.
Thanks

 

[KathyLauren]

If you’re not ready, you’re not ready.  But I’m guessing that he thinks you’re procrastinating.  We do sometimes need a little push.  As a long-time procrastinator, I know I sometimes do.  
 

Don’t let him push you into something you are truly not ready for.  But we do need to step outside our comfort zones if we are to make progress.

[Jani]

Hello Maddie.  Cute new avatar!  It sounds like it was a good appointment and I'm happy to hear you made it.  Whether your therapist is pushing you or just emphasizing what is available to you now I cannot say but it appears he is giving you things to consider.  About FFS or BA these are very personal decisions that need to be considered seriously.  It all depends upon your outlook and goals.  

 

7 hours ago, Ms Maddie said:

In this telemedicine session, I was trying to talk about issues seeking employment and relocating, as my new name and gender.  My hope is for a new life and live it right. Hoping that transitioning is the way.

I believe you are on the right track to talk about (and plan and take action?) the things that are important to you right now.  The thought of a new life would be a powerful pull to help you along the way as it would be exciting.  I definitely see a winning version of you emerging to take advantage of all the amazing and wonderful opportunities that present to you.  What a nice thought! 

 

8 hours ago, Ms Maddie said:

I don't think he believes I can do it, which is why it seems hes pushing me...

Do you think he doesn't believe you can do this or is he playing devil's advocate in an effort to get you to see that you can do these things?  I would hope he's not counting clients that have GCS but he may be thinking of changes in benefits can change at the whim of politicians.  

 

If you are not ready then thats a good enough reason to hold off for now.  As you note you're not particularly certain you want a vagina, you could opt for a labiaplasty (Just the outer bits).  I don't believe hair removal is a requirement (check with the doctor).   While you say you don't hate your genitals but dislike the use of them, maybe there is some dysphoria there.  Something else to discuss? 

 

Women do tend to "run in groups" as you note and guys are typically lone wolf types so you are not alone.   I believe many of us MtF here would admit to previously having loner tendencies.   Maybe with a new job and new location you could be Maddie 24/7 and assimilate as you wish.  What a wonderful thought. 

 

8 hours ago, Ms Maddie said:

So he said my homework is he wants me to contact the two surgeons...

I believe he wants you to contact a couple surgeons as a way to make you think a bit more and to help you move forward.  It can't hurt.  Plus wait times can be long.  I don't think you're wrong to question but IMO the reason we go to therapy is to get out thoughts and ideas we wouldn't otherwise discuss.  Having them in the open (between the two of you of course) frees you to discuss and think about them in real terms rather than the abstract ways we do when the thought is just rattling around in our heads. (ask me how I know!)  That you are not sleeping well but having your head full of ideas and thoughts is good.  I remember that time.  The world seemed to be racing around me.   I think Kathy hit upon a good thought with the "need to step outside our comfort zones if we are to make progress."  I know you are capable of taking that step! 

 

All my best to you Maddie and thank you for sharing this piece of your life with us.  (see, you're already starting to assimilate!)

 

Hugs, Jani

 

[Maddee]

Thank you for responding. I have tried to reply back more than once, but deleted myself before posting because I didn't want to rant again.

Bottom line is i am going to communicate all these things again to my therapist next tele appt.

 

I am a procrastinator.

In fact I waited exactly 3 years to start taking HRT after filling my first scrip!

 

I can be both wise and a fool.

And I am not doubting my transition pace today.

[Jani]

1 hour ago, Ms Maddie said:

I can be both wise and a fool.

@Ms Maddie you are not alone in that.  We all can identify with those attributes from time to time.  

 

Have a good heart to heart with your therapist.  Its all about you!