My Story

[susannah]

I started a thread about my experiences with dysphoria on general thread but that probably should have been on this forum.  As I mentioned on my introduction topic, these were never revealed to anyone.  Well, here it is.  It is probably too long. 

 

Not long ago, a friend of mine accidentally revealed that I was a male who was playing a MMO game with a female avatar.  For a few months prior to that, I enjoyed representing myself as a female and made me feel very happy.  I had always selected female and woman characters on games if that option was available.  I fell so much more in line with female characters in games.  I tried male characters but always preferred woman characters.  After I was found out, I was intensely upset that bordered on depression and was extremely surprised how upset that made me.  It felt like someone ripped something out of my body.  After all, this was nothing but a game and an avatar but I certainly felt that part of me died.  I could not believe why this was happening to me.  I tried to continue playing the game for a month or two after but the game never felt right after that.  This incident made me look back in my life to see if there were some other things that stood out.  What I know is that I was somewhat different than other boys during childhood but never really understood what.

I grew up in a country in east Asia that had certain gender expectations more or less set in stone.  During my early childhood, I hung around many girls around my age which was not usual.  I felt compelled to play with them most of the time.  I remember even playing some dress up with them and felt quite happy if I remember correctly.  It also made me guilty as well since this was not a normal behavior.  This made me stopped playing dress up and never tried to crossdress since my childhood.  

My mother used to tell me that she thought I was going to be a girl.  She said this multiple times during my childhood for some reason.  I always thought I should have told her that I should have been a girl which I never did.  I also never asked why she felt that she was having a girl.  I guess I will never know.

I came across an article about Renee Richards.  This was a profound article for me back then.  I had no idea that this was even possible. Not many years afterward, I found a story about Caroline Cossey who was forced out by a British tabloid.  I felt so badly for her.  One thing I took away from these was that the society was definitely not friendly toward them.  That made me felt horrible.  

 

My puberty was not very pleasant.  I hated what was happening to my body.  I bulked up so easily and became really muscular which I did not want.  I hated how I was expected to behave.  There were so many other things happening to me.  My father passed away during this time; I was sexually assaulted which I hid from everyone; moved to the US and needed to learn entire new culture and language; and living in a dangerous part of inner city area where I got discriminated from all over.  I just decided to work, work and work some more.  By doing this, my conflict was not at my forefront of brain.  

 

This is also the time when I started to imagine that there is a woman identity inside of me.  I was around 12 years old when I started to imagine that there is a parallel world where I am a woman.  I started to do this right before the bed time.  Forty years later, I still do this.  She obviously has aged since then.  She has had very different personality than I although her personality has been becoming a greater part of me over the years.  She is a bubbly extrovert.  I was very much an introvert when I was younger but becoming more and more extrovert over the years.  People who have not seen me since my school days comment on how much I have changed except that I look almost exactly the same.  It is quite obvious that I am taking more of her personality.  This really feels delusional when I write it down.  This is more difficult than I imagined.  What I am actually afraid is that she will be far more dominant although a part of me is very much welcomes this. 

 

I have no idea if any of these make sense to me.  All these felt so unrelated over the years, but writing these down in one file feels so related that this is really obvious to be anything else.  A part of me still trying very hard to think that all these are completely normal things that people feel.  It is getting increasingly difficult to believe each day.

[Jackie C.]

53 minutes ago, susannah said:

I have no idea if any of these make sense to me.  All these felt so unrelated over the years, but writing these down in one file feels so related that this is really obvious to be anything else.  A part of me still trying very hard to think that all these are completely normal things that people feel.  It is getting increasingly difficult to believe each day.

 

Well, it's normal for some of us.

 

I did the video game thing too before I came out. It got bad enough that I wouldn't play a game if there wasn't a female avatar option. Exception for Subnautica because you never see enough of your avatar to give it a gender and you only interact with murderfish. I used to justify it as, "I'll be looking at this backside for a hundred hours. I'd rather look at this one, but if you want hairy man butt instead, I won't judge."

 

I've done "drifting off to sleep while deep into a fantasy of being born a woman." Variations on this have included various methods of becoming a woman and having it happen at different ages. I still do it sometimes, but now it's more focused on becoming a woman earlier in my life. It's not that I waited too long, it's just more that I wish I'd had the courage to pursue my best life when I was younger.

 

So yeah, your story isn't that different from what a lot of us went through growing up. Welcome to the sisterhood! My advice to you would be to find a gender therapist near you and schedule a session or three. They'll help you come to terms with your identity and help you figure out what path forward is a good fit for you.

 

Hugs!

[GraceH]

Hi Susannah,  Welcome.  I've found this a really great place to try to figure myself out, mainly through writing, as you have done.   I always pick a female avatar.   I played WoW for years and I don't think I ever had a male 'toon.

 

I had other things going on as a teenager and I was so interested in girls, fueled by male puberty, that I didn't question my own identity.  Later I realized I was queer.  Recently, as I'm aging out of the T, I realize I am so glad to be mostly free of it and I feel very different; so much less male, like it had taken over my mind and finally let go.  There is no doubt In my mind that if I could go back and do life all over again I'd do it as a girl.  I'm at the stage of mostly knowing what I am now, but still trying to figure out what to do about it.  Visiting this site helped me normalize and validate what's going on internally, so I hope being here does that for you.

 

Speaking of gaming, there was a really quite funny show, if you're a gamer, called AFK, which has a WoW-like litRPG setting which you can find on Amazon Prime.  It is not queer per se, but it does seriously and respectfully reference and explore that people are playing opposite sex characters and then get trapped in the game.   One character has a female alt and a male alt.  We never do find out what the gender of the original person is.

 

I never had the "I need to dress as a girl" thing, but I do find men quite alien.   I found it helps to write down all the little clues, as you have started to do, above.

 

I just painted my nails a week ago for the first time.  I don't know if I can give it up.  I don't know if it's a first step or a last step or if I just like that my nails are shiny.  And black.  And iridescent.  If we ever get out of quarantine, will I go to work with my nails painted?  Will I say, I just like that my nails are shiny?  Will I say that they make me feel really good?   I know for sure that I will never make fun of someone who is obsessed with having perfect nails in the future.  LOL.

 

Best of everything to you.

 

 

[GraceH]

59 minutes ago, Jackie C. said:

I'll be looking at this backside for a hundred hours. I'd rather look at this one, but if you want hairy man butt instead, I won't judge.

Jackie,  I used to think the same thing.  In that show I recommended above, AFK,  that line comes out, but it's not just a one line joke, there is some thoughtful treatment as the show goes on.

 

Oh, one related note, the current Mech Warrior game, "Battletech", has not only female avatars, but non-binary avatars and the option to be addressed as "they".   I think I was feeling rather "they" a year ago, but it would definitely be "she" now, by preference, if not quite need.

 

Cheers.

[GraceH]

38 minutes ago, kelly sinclair said:

witch mech is your favorite

@kelly sinclair I was going to reply privately, but I think I have something so say about gender, or at least my gender.  I'm a strategy gamer.  Of course I want to be Laura Croft.  But I don't have a favorite mech.  It's a strategy game to me and it ticks all my obsessive engineer boxes to optimize the mechs.

 

I met a young non-binary person who uses the pronoun "they".  They have a female body, but don't identify with either male or female and they are a-romantic.    I feel like I am the diametric opposite of them.   I am (was?) strongly male, strongly female (more so all the time), and very romantic in a male body (my body doesn't bother me).   Sometimes I am a geeky boy, mostly when I need to soothe emotions.  Most of the time now I'm feeling things very strongly.  Most of the time now I'm feeling much more female.   Who do I want to be visually?  Candice Cuoco.   Who do I want to be mentally?  Myself on estrogen.  Who do I want to be in fantasy?  I read romances.  I do most of my fantasizing about being the main character in those books.   I'm really very internal with what I feel.  I'm only just starting to want to express it externally.   Coming here and writing to you and everyone else helps me a lot.  It is really so amazing to come to this site and just write all of the things.

 

But Tomb Raider isn't new, what do you do now?  Or did you play the recent reboot?

 

@susannah  I'm partially writing this to your thread because I'm changing.  Coming to this site changed me.  Writing these things changes me.   It solidifies my identity and I hope being here does the same for you.

 

 

[Sandra_Lux]

Hello susannah,

 

it's funny - like you and kelly sinclair, sleepinflame and Jackie C. - I also played computer games with female characters whenever possible. Had to be veeery creative to explain it to my male friends haha... Tomb Raider was a relief, no need for creative excuses. I play as a woman with a bunch of guys for 7 years now. There were times, when we played several hours every day. This led me to a "normal" life with both genders in my mind. 

 

Your story actually does not sound delusional, it makes perfect sense to me. I like your observation, that her personality takes over more parts of your life. I can only encourage you to not be afraid. Be curious, it will be fun.

 

Sandra

[susannah]

Thank you everyone for all the feedback.  I am not sure why but still having difficulties facing myself.  

 

It is very interesting that all of us doing almost exact same things concerning games.  For some reason, I felt so much more comfortable playing as a female character.  Also, I have played so many phone games as a woman persona.  Other players all think I am a woman. I really enjoy being a woman on these games. 

[GraceH]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/On_the_Internet,_nobody_knows_you're_a_dog

 

wow, that was 25 years ago now.  I remember seeing it in the New Yorker.

 

 

[Faye1972]

Welcome Susannah. I can relate to so much of this. Pleased you are here. 
Stay safe

Faye xx

[Oh_Kay]

Hi Susannah,

 

My feminine spirit has become the dominant force in my life. The results have been all positive. It has been like a spiritual awakening for me. 

 

Kay