I'm the roadblock

[Teejay]

So I wasn't sure what title to put... it was either "Unexpected good news", "I'm the roadblock" or "So what now?" Though I am the roadblock is foremost in my mind right now.

 

So when I posted my introduction a couple of weeks ago it was partly because I was bummed out about my first HRT information appointment being cancelled. Yesterday I got a call and it was rescheduled to this morning. Unexpected to say the least and as I am still working through how I feel about things with my counselor I had a certain of anxiety about going today. To say it went well is probably an understatement, I'd had concerns about with my health (physical and mental) that it would not be an option for me but those have now been put to rest. Final outcome is subject to passing blood tests just to be sure of nothing new has occurred I have approval to begin treatment when I'm ready to.

 

It's what I want to do but fear is probably the thing that is currently holding me back. But I also still need to work through the avoidance and repression?anger?something. I don't know that part of me that thinks it's just wrong for me to even be considering it.

 

Still with the current state of the world it was unexpected good news for me so I'm glad it happened. Now I just need to get out of my own way.

 

 

[Sabine]

I suppose you ask a couple questions here. First maybe, is while I am not a medical professional, HRT is said to not make permanent changes for at least a few months, and that further, you may mentally know much sooner if that is the right path to take as some report feeling mentally worse if it is the wrong way to go. In other words,  if you are under care of professionals that are green lighting you, then you might as well try it.

Secondly, the "roadblck" is very likely that male ego thing, false or not, we were all brought up to be "boys and men," which comes with a package deal of rules and regulations that, once integrated, are hard even to detect. For me, it is my sexuality, being sexually attracted to women primarily, how do I rectify wanting to be one, when I know it will "mess this up?" Luckily, these things sort themselves out as we continue to become our true selves.

I am actually a bit envious of you as this COVID problem has likely put off my own HRT meetings for some likely obscene amount of time (I have now officially been postponed 6 times by my normal gender therapist...).

Good luck!

Sabine.

[Jani]

8 hours ago, Teejay said:

It's what I want to do but fear is probably the thing that is currently holding me back. But I also still need to work through the avoidance and repression?anger?something. I don't know that part of me that thinks it's just wrong for me to even be considering it.

It's natural to be afraid of this, or any change in life.  Look at it this way, this is what you want to do in order to feel better about yourself, and help align your body to conform with those thoughts.  As Sabine notes the change comes slow so don't worry about waking up to major changes to your mind and body.  Take it slow with a low dose then you can ramp up as you feel you need to.  The goal is to transition as far as you need to feel better about yourself.  

 

Cheers, Jani 

[Jackie C.]

@Jani brings up an excellent point echoed by a friend of mine when I came out to him a couple years ago: 

 

"You can go as far as you like, but you can't go back."

 

That isn't entirely true though. HRT is pretty benign. There are a couple of problems that crop up with long term use (infertility for example), but the rest of the changes can be reversed. Especially early on. It'll be at least two months before your body adjusts to the new "fuel mix" and at least three before you see any physical changes (on average, everybody is different).

 

Like Jani said, the goal here is to transition until you feel comfortable in your own skin. Nobody is going to force you to go farther than you want.

 

Unless Australia culture is way different than I thought and you have roving packs of surgeons who will drag you off, take your money and turn you into a women if they catch you with HRT. Still, I'd think they have better things to do.

 

Hugs!

[Teejay]

19 hours ago, Sabine said:

if you are under care of professionals that are green lighting you, then you might as well try it.

Yes that is kind of where I am at. I don't mean I am taking this lightly or anything it's been a long road to get to this point.

 

19 hours ago, Sabine said:

am actually a bit envious of you as this COVID problem has likely put off my own HRT meetings for some likely obscene amount of time (I have now officially been postponed 6 times by my normal gender therapist...).

Sorry to hear that, I thought I was in the same boat so I think I was lucky it was changed. Also here I am doing my therapist session via video conference now which has been a huge relief.

 

13 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

Unless Australia culture is way different than I thought and you have roving packs of surgeons who will drag you off, take your money and turn you into a women if they catch you with HRT.

Heh they're not quite so aggressive as far as I know. Though I think part of me would not be against this as an outcome. ?

 

19 hours ago, Sabine said:

HRT is said to not make permanent changes for at least a few months, and that further, you may mentally know much sooner if that is the right path to take as some report feeling mentally worse if it is the wrong way to go.

This was discussed with the doctor during the appointment. That changes would be gradual and monitored to ensure things were proceeding well.

[Teejay]

Update from follow up appointment this afternoon. My bloods checked out and I will be going ahead with HRT for an initial trial and assessment of impacts.  While I now have my script before starting going to be doing some biological storage on the off chance of procreation down the line as apparently it's recommended. Honestly I thought I was too old for that but I guess better safe then sorry. 

 

 

[SaraAW]

Congrats!  I still remember the day I took my first dose, so euphoric.  After 3 1/2 months, I still feel better than I ever have in my life.  I wanted to try it for 3 months, to see how I did, how I felt.  After 1 week, I knew this is what I need.  That being said, everyone reacts differently, so take it slow, check in with yourself regularly to see how you feel, don't expect any major changes out of the gates and you'll be fine.  Hope you can find a bank to store what you need for the future and you can start the next part of your journey of self-discovery.  Have a wonderful day! Hugs!

[Teejay]

Update 2.0.

 

So I picked up my script and began this next step last night. Just over 16hrs in I'm happy, terrified and hopeful.

 

Guess I'm past that roadblock.

[michelle_kitten]

congrats!

[SaraAW]

Way to go!  Another step forward. Remember, things won't change overnight.  Try not to track changes daily, look at larger time spans to actually be able to see the changes and not get discouraged.  Similar to not trying to step on the scale every day when trying to lose weight.  Hugs!