Anxiety about start HRT

[JB]

I’m starting HRT in two weeks and I have a lot of anxiety. Is this normal? 
 

My biggest concern is how my work and family will handle the physical changes. 
 

I want this badly. But at the same time  I’m so scared. 
 

Did anyone else experience this prior to starting hormones?

[Jackie C.]

Well here's the thing: It's change. Change can be scary. It's also the BIG T. Testosterone is a powerful, powerful thing. Inside a year, you won't be able to pass for a woman anymore. So here you are, thinking, "What if I've made a mistake?" What happens if I want to transition back? What am I going to be like on Testosterone?

 

It's all scary, scary stuff. That's why we go to gender therapists and do everything we can to be SURE before we take this step. No mistake, it's a very big step.

 

I hope it's everything you've dreamed it will be. Also, hello from Michigan! There are a couple of us on here spread around the state. Welcome to the site! We're here if you need to ask any questions and we've got a gaggle of other FtM's you can compare notes with (until you can pass for male and you leave us, which seems to be the way things generally work. *SNIFF*).

 

Hugs!

[Christie Woods]

Hi JB,

I think it is very, very normal to be hesitant. For me it was 'jumping down the rabbit hole' and I wasn't sure where I would end up. I thought I was physically modifying my body from what it was naturally doing and I was unsure if I should go in that direction.

It was my therapist that offered to advocate for me to start HRT. I wasn't sure I wanted it. It took me a while to request them from my doc. Once I had them I sat on them for 2 weeks before taking the first dose. That was 18 months ago and I am much happier for starting HRT, and looking to review and request changes to my HRT to improve my outcome. Now I just recently decided to live full time within 2 years.

My situation is probably different than yours. I've been retired a year now. I'm married but going full time will probably mean a divorce. Our kids are grown and living well on their own. I feel I've waited my whole life. I'm 60. I don't feel I can wait anymore. I hope this helps.

Hugs! Christie

 

[Emily michelle]

I started hrt less than a week ago and I did have a little anxiety but mostly it was anxiousness. My biggest concern is coming out to my work. The only ones in my family I’m out to is my wife and sister.

[Firenze]

Anxiety is very normal prior to starting hurt or even considering starting. Maybe I’ll add more later as I don’t like replying via mobile, but to paraphrase my therapist, “if you didn’t have anxiety about transitioning there’d be something wrong, and something that [you’d] have to do some digging as to why you’re not.”

 

I have similar concerns about work and family, and even though I’m not too concerned about family, I wonder how work would react and also why I’d rather move away before starting. 

[Susan R]

1 hour ago, JB said:

I’m starting HRT in two weeks and I have a lot of anxiety. Is this normal?

Welcome JB, it’s nice to have you onboard. As others have mentioned, it’s common to have worries about these significant changes to one’s body and mind. I’m assuming you have a therapist or counselor you can confide in if things become difficult. If you don’t, we are here to help any way we can.

 

Since your here and open to asking questions, maybe you can share (If you’re comfortable doing so) a little more about how you came to where you are. I’m probably not the only one here who’d be interested in learning more about you and your journey thus far.
 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[JB]

Hi all, 

 

I hope I’m reposting correctly. 

First, I’d like to thank everyone for your comments. For the past few days my anxiety gives me anxiety. Does that mean I’m not really trans? Am I making a mistake?  It’s good to hear from others to know that I’m not alone.

 

To take a step back, I’d like to tell you all a little about me. I was raised to be a respectful young lady who did what they were told. I directed my life based on the opinions of others. This is partly why starting HRT is giving me anxiety, because I’m no longer going down the path others set for me but am going down my path.

 

I currently have a white collared job. Everyday before the pandemic, I would wear a men’s suit and tie to work: so it won’t be a surprise to my coworkers when I come out. I also have a lovely wife who supports my transition. I have therapist who is amazing. And my family and friends support my transition. But as you all said, this is change, and change is hard. 
 

I’m afraid that I will transition and realize I made a mistake. I’m also afraid I won’t transition and I’ll look back and realize I wasted years. I’m afraid I don’t know how to be a man, I only know how to be me. Will that be enough? 
 

All that said, I’m excited to look in a mirror and finally see me for the first time in my life. I think about that reflection all the time. The man that lives behind my eyes. And I’m excited to meet him. 
 

I just gotta stop giving an eff about what people think about me and be my true self.

 

JB

[GraceH]

I've been thinking a lot about what are the effects of T.  I'm 58 and male. 

 

I have never talked with anyone abut the effects of T.  Maybe it's ignorant to say what I think it is like, so take these as my personal, subjective opinions even if they are stated more like facts, it's just my writing style.  About two years ago I had some sort of tipping point where I am free of ... being dominated by testosterone.  I think I have some perspective about it.

 

I like being strong.  Does taking T later in life increase your upper body strength?  If so, that's a nice thing.  I think it also makes you want to get out and exercise and there is some inherent pleasure in exercise from T.  Human Male's metabolism is 30% higher than female's.

 

If I understand the mental effects, it may change the way you interact with the male dominance hierarchy.   Just be aware that if you snap at some guy at work for being an -censored-, you may trace the reason back to the new hormones.  It's like PMS, only all the time.  Except strangely not unpleasant, internally.  Maybe like 3 cups of coffee which causes irritability.

 

Your emotions will likely calm down internally.  You'll be more steady and you'll see your wife oscillate a bit (because you no longer are as much).  I think it's one of the decent things in a M/F marriage, that the man is usually not as volatile emotionally and that can be a good thing.  So emotional upset doesn't get passed back and forth, it usually gets grounded by the man not reacting so much.  If you have anxiety, it might be less.

 

I don't know what happens to sex drive in a FtM.  If it's anything like a cis-male's, you're in for a wild ride.  Don't be surprised if all of a sudden, you are aware of ALL of the women.  If you get re-wired like a cis-male, your vision gets wired in with your sex drive in a way that, thankfully, I don't have so much any more.  I don't know how much your brain gets re-wired.  I always saw the women and everything they were wearing and how they cut their hair and ... so much more than a cis-male, but also everything that a man sees as well.

 

All of my research has been for MtF.  I hadn't thought about FtM, but I hope this gives you a bit of a heads-up.  Do the doctors say any of these things?  Am I on the mark?  Or am I just describing my own quirks?  It's hard to know.  Everyone's different.  "Don't be surprised about some mental changes" should be the title of this note.

 

My T is fading with age and I'm glad of it, but I do hope it takes you where you want to go.  If you're already wearing a man's suit to work, then you are already past something difficult.  Good luck!

 

P.S. I just did some quick research on HRT for FtM.  They barely mention mental changes.  I would expect something and what they did mention is consistent with what I said.  I.e.  expect both irritability in certain situations and overall more calmness.

 

 

 

[StrainAsylum]

I did and am experiencing utter exhilaration about starting HRT.  It is a large step and change is always daunting.  I hope it's everything you want it to be

[TrIIIy]

On 4/27/2020 at 7:42 PM, JB said:

I’m afraid I don’t know how to be a man, I only know how to be me. Will that be enough? 

That is always enough. There is no one right way to be a man. You don’t have to fit the gender stereotype to be one. It might help you pass, yes, but ultimately being you is so much more important.

[BrandiBri]

I agree with Trilly. I am going the other way, but the advice is the same whether MtF,  FtM or anywhere on the gender spectrum. Just be  confident in with yourself and people will ultimately see you as the man you are. 

 

Hugs,

Brandi