Advice

[Flint]

I have been telling myself off for this for ages....I chicked out of telling college......about me and asking to call me Matt.....i wanted to...But at enrolment there were so many people around crowds, cues of people really really long and i'd have to explain to each and every person i saw the tutor, the people who take ur photo for the ID card the people who sort out you buss pass incase you need it so many different people on all tehse desks where people are waiting right behind you. It's hurting me though...going to college bein gcalled that......that name........it's a 2 year course aswell taking away my manly side now...I could cry....it feels that bad. i try to just think about the next day not weeks, or a year a head...but the 2 years thing is haunting me. i try not to think about it but it's there.....I've already noticed people laughing at me sniggering at the back of the class...heard people say my name and all snigger as they look at me talkingabout me. and no i'm not paranoid. they do laugh at me. I've had that all my life so nothing new there. I just....a part of me wants to just go in and ask they call me Matt but a part of me is scared. I'm so used to people laughing at anything i say not taking me serioulsy, people lauging right in my face insulting me at every chance they get......The thought of letting anyone know....is scary...but the thought of 2 years is haunting me and scaring me aswell. should i go in college and tell them? i know ultimatley i have to decide but i wondered what other people thought of the situation. thanks in advance

Matt

[Guest Sergei]

Ok, Matt, you are in a very similar situation to me at my uni.

I came to uni three years ago in September 2004 to study music. Everybody knew me as Hailey, and again I felt very arkward and bad that I had to present myself in this way. I struggled a lot during the first year. Again everytime I had to show my ID, or student cards, or anything with my name on it I felt people were laughing at me.

During my second year I switched to playing piano as my main study, and because I was very inexperienced as a pianist they wanted to monitor my progress very carefully. I had to spend a lot of time with my tutor at the uni. He is a great bloke, and we became very close during that year. Towards the end of the year we had to go on a day out to central london for a performance. I completely freaked out, as I wouldn't eat or drink incase I needed to use the toilet, because I couldn't because I didn't fit into a gender. My tutor was so worried about me during the day out. He begged me to eat or have a drink of water. I wouldn't. He could see the state I was in. I almost fainted from the dehydration. He then found it very odd the second we got back to the uni, when I downed a litre of water. Being polite, he obviously didn't comment on this weird behaviour, but I felt bad as he had been so concerned. A few days later I went and told him all about my situation.

I was so pleased I did this. The weight it instantly took off my shoulders, from being all alone coping with these gender identity issues, to all of a sudden having this great friend who I could talk with and confide in. This was the beginning of my third year.

During the third year I finally went to the doctors about this problem, and started to deal with it. Everytime I needed a friend to talk to my tutor was there for me. It was also during this time when I knew I was going to transition that he helped me the most.

The advantage of my best friend also being my tutor was the fact that he was in a position of power to help me. Also he is much older and wiser than me and you. I'm only 21, and he is 44, and therefore has much more life experience and knowledge of the world than me. We talked alot about how I would go about transitioning at the university infront of everyone. I went through every possible problem I could think about with him.

This month I came back to uni, I'm studying in the same place, and all the same people are here who knew me as Hailey.

At the end of August I changed my name and title legally. My tutor told everybody about the change of name, and explained to them what was going on with me changing my gender. I didn't have to explain myself to anybody. He also told me that if anyone has a problem with me I should tell him, and it'll be delt with. I've had no problems so far. Everybody now calls me Sergei, and is extremely respectful towards me.

Matt, the most important thing you must remember is that you are not in the wrong. It's 2007, everybody has equal rights.

Go to the top. Go to a teacher, or even the head of your college and explain your situation. They have to treat you with the respect you deserve, it's their job to help you and make sure you're not being dicriminated against. If a student in your college made a racist comment to somebody they would be severly reprimanded. The same will go for your situation.

Trust me, go to the top, and get the people in power on your side. The people in power are well educated, and arn't ignorant like any old person that might laugh at you in the street. You just need to take that one brave step. Do it as soon as you possibly can. Do it first thing on Monday morning. I promise you it will be the best thing you can ever do.

I suffered in silence for 20 years. Then I told my tutor, and with his help in the last year I am now living the way I want to, and studying in a place where I feel safe and repected. I still have a long way to go, but can honestly say I have never felt so happy.

Please do it Matt. Find that courage for the first step. Let me know what happens.

Best wishes

Sergei

[Zufrieden]

Hi Matt:

If you want something, you'll have to speak up. It might be embarrassing the first couple of times.

You might have to develop a thick skin, but enough self-confidence will silence most people.

"My actual name is 'Matt'. I would appreciate being addressed in that manner. Thank you."

It's not your fault and there's nothing to apologize for or feel strange about. Matt's your name, end of discussion.

Z.

[Flint]

Ok, Matt, you are in a very similar situation to me at my uni.

I came to uni three years ago in September 2004 to study music. Everybody knew me as Hailey, and again I felt very arkward and bad that I had to present myself in this way. I struggled a lot during the first year. Again everytime I had to show my ID, or student cards, or anything with my name on it I felt people were laughing at me.

During my second year I switched to playing piano as my main study, and because I was very inexperienced as a pianist they wanted to monitor my progress very carefully. I had to spend a lot of time with my tutor at the uni. He is a great bloke, and we became very close during that year. Towards the end of the year we had to go on a day out to central london for a performance. I completely freaked out, as I wouldn't eat or drink incase I needed to use the toilet, because I couldn't because I didn't fit into a gender. My tutor was so worried about me during the day out. He begged me to eat or have a drink of water. I wouldn't. He could see the state I was in. I almost fainted from the dehydration. He then found it very odd the second we got back to the uni, when I downed a litre of water. Being polite, he obviously didn't comment on this weird behaviour, but I felt bad as he had been so concerned. A few days later I went and told him all about my situation.

I was so pleased I did this. The weight it instantly took off my shoulders, from being all alone coping with these gender identity issues, to all of a sudden having this great friend who I could talk with and confide in. This was the beginning of my third year.

During the third year I finally went to the doctors about this problem, and started to deal with it. Everytime I needed a friend to talk to my tutor was there for me. It was also during this time when I knew I was going to transition that he helped me the most.

The advantage of my best friend also being my tutor was the fact that he was in a position of power to help me. Also he is much older and wiser than me and you. I'm only 21, and he is 44, and therefore has much more life experience and knowledge of the world than me. We talked alot about how I would go about transitioning at the university infront of everyone. I went through every possible problem I could think about with him.

This month I came back to uni, I'm studying in the same place, and all the same people are here who knew me as Hailey.

At the end of August I changed my name and title legally. My tutor told everybody about the change of name, and explained to them what was going on with me changing my gender. I didn't have to explain myself to anybody. He also told me that if anyone has a problem with me I should tell him, and it'll be delt with. I've had no problems so far. Everybody now calls me Sergei, and is extremely respectful towards me.

Matt, the most important thing you must remember is that you are not in the wrong. It's 2007, everybody has equal rights.

Go to the top. Go to a teacher, or even the head of your college and explain your situation. They have to treat you with the respect you deserve, it's their job to help you and make sure you're not being dicriminated against. If a student in your college made a racist comment to somebody they would be severly reprimanded. The same will go for your situation.

Trust me, go to the top, and get the people in power on your side. The people in power are well educated, and arn't ignorant like any old person that might laugh at you in the street. You just need to take that one brave step. Do it as soon as you possibly can. Do it first thing on Monday morning. I promise you it will be the best thing you can ever do.

I suffered in silence for 20 years. Then I told my tutor, and with his help in the last year I am now living the way I want to, and studying in a place where I feel safe and repected. I still have a long way to go, but can honestly say I have never felt so happy.

Please do it Matt. Find that courage for the first step. Let me know what happens.

Best wishes

Sergei

Just to add to some of the simalarity....I'm doin ga music course lol

Thanks both for replies...i'll try.....but knowing me i'll chicken out at the last minute.

[Guest Sergei]

Just to add to some of the simalarity....I'm doin ga music course lol

Thanks both for replies...i'll try.....but knowing me i'll chicken out at the last minute.

Really? Well then Matty I think you're in an even safer place to come out. Musicians are crazy eccentric types as you must know. Very open minded people.

Don't chicken out Matt. Come on, you can do it. When I come on here after the weekend I'm going to be hoping that you'll tell me you've been to speak to someone. Just go for it. Things can't be any worse than they are now, can they?

You can do it Matt. Be brave.

[Flint]

I'm not so sure these are that open minded....they already think i'm funny not in a funny like i have a good sense of humor just funny....Maybe it's cause i'm in a chair and always look dead....lol I'll look more dead tomorrow i have the flu! Is it just me or does everything happen at once?

[Guest Sergei]

I'm not so sure these are that open minded....

Well it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks. The staff at your college will be open minded, and once you get them on your side it really doesn't matter if people are open minded or not. If they don't like it, it's tough. They can't o anything. They have no power because they are in the wrong.

[Guest Lethalia]

Hey there, Matt. OwUB?

I was about to go off on a rant here… as my son and I would do very often when discussing issues. But he and I can sound pretty radical, so I will save such for later. In the meantime…

About people laughing: I understand your situation completely. However, I have always acted as though I was doing precisely as I was supposed to be doing. And rarely have people questioned it. And those that did, gave in anyways. I feel that Zufrieden hit it right on the head, "enough self-confidence will silence most people". Confidence is everything. For many years now, few people have laughed at me. And it is because I appear so overwhelmingly confident. Confidence works.

About the college: Tell them. I have always found that the bolder you are, the more you can get done. As we say in Texas, "The squeaky wheel gets the oil." To remain silent, is to accept that which the world thoughtlessly hands out. I will agree that some things are simply too small to be worth the effort. But these are the trivial things, which have little impact upon our feelings. Sometimes, a strong stance serves well to enlighten people. At the very least, it lets them know what you want. People are not mind readers… let them know what you want. I absolutely agree with Sergei about speaking to staff members. I think you would be surprised and relieved with the results. I so agree with everything Sergei said. But then, I personally believe silence will get you no where.

Here is a little story which may not appear related to the subject at hand…

Years ago, I was with a friend of mine. He had dragged me along with him to the Home Depot. There, he had the people of Home Depot running around to get him tools and materials so he could build something… right there in the Home Depot. This took all day. Then he had them load the completed project onto his truck. He paid for the materials, but not the tools he used, and we left. Bold and confident. Confidence works.

Note: There is a reason I have always used my entire name… to make certain all understand I am confident and mean business.

Self-assuredly yours…

Isabella Lethalia Innocenzi

.

[Flint]

I dont have confidence. And confidence isn't anything i can force or pretend i have. Some people reckon i may have autism or they think i'm just completley insane. I dont look people in the eye. because i know they can read what i'm thinking and feeling. I dont trust anyone, not anymore. Not after what supposed 'friends' have done to me. They were supposed to be my friend and they betrayed me, used me and laughed right in my face. I've been bullied before, taken the beatings and i'm not sure i wanna go through that again. I already get peole laughing at me as it is. Talking about me whispering about me.....No i'm not paranoid, i know they are talking about me...No i dont think all their attention is on me, i've heard them trying to whisper....However this 'whisper' is loud.....

[Guest Lethalia]

Hey there, Matt. OwUB? IBOK.

Matt, I do understand about people whispering about you behind your back. I went through this a lot back when I was in school… and the bullying, and the beatings. I didn't have friends in school (wasn't a big deal for me) but I do understand the feeling: I did have people betray and laugh at me not that long ago in the split with my ex. So… I do understand. Of course, in my situation, I had confidence in myself already so I'm guessing it wasn't as bad for me as it has been for you. I'm not saying it was fun… just probably not as bad for me.

You said that you don't look people in the eye because you know they can read what you're thinking and feeling. Actually, they can't. People can't read minds. And they don't know what you're feeling because if they knew, they'd know what it feels like… and they would behave so poorly. I can "read" people, but that's because I've been there. I know what it feels like. Those people who seem to read you are actually reading basic signs of weakness and preying on them. Any animal can do that. I am thinking that you might be leading them to believe you are weak. And in a male world, this sometimes becomes an issue.

About the confidence… I am thinking one of the first things you have to do is start looking people in the eye. So I take it you I've never backed somebody down by looking at them? I know that sounds like a stupid question but have you ever been so angry that you just stared at them waiting for them to start something? Family? Friends? People on the computer screen? And friends… do you look them in the eye in conversation? I mean, just talking? See, I don't know… that's why I ask. I had a friend who could never look at anyone in the face… ever. People used to think he was weak. Matt, the weaker people think you are, the more they try to step on you. Not everybody is that way, but it only takes a few jerks a day to ruin your week. Matt, you ever get mad about it all? Do you? And even if it's just with salespeople, try to make more eye contact. Making eye contact will help you feel a little more able to talk to them and vice versa.

I don't mean to sound insensitive. If I do, please forgive me. I'm a person who is bold, has performed on stage, given speeches, public poetry reading, on and on. But I am not a loud person… at all. And two of my sisters are performers. So I am trying to understand exactly what it is that you are feeling. What do you think would help build your confidence a little? In baby steps, if you will. I mean, online is okay… but I am thinking that you need more interaction with real people… away from school. Also, how do you get around? Me, I don't have a car, buses confuse me, and right now… I'm temporarily in a wheelchair… short recovery. Car! Waaa! Wow, two word story. I don't know what things are like in the U.K. Also, are there any groups you can join… just to be with people? I think the more people you can meet, the better.

About the school deal… are you on any HRT? Have you or are you going to have your name/gender changed legally? If so, do you think you can talk to the admin people about your name? And if you can't do that, is there someone who can accompany you to have your records changed at school? Again, I don't know how things work in the U.K.… I'm the U.S., Florida. But hey, I'm a Texan… don't 'cha know. You mention the tutors, the people who take your photo for the ID card, the people who sort out your bus pass, all the different people at all the desks… they're nobodys (nobodies). They are there to serve you. They may think they're somebody, but they're not. Really, they not. They don't want to do their job, somebody else can do it… start talking discrimination… whether it is or it isn't.

I guess I'm just trying to get a feel for your particular situation. Because no advice is going to help unless it is something you feel you can do. You see what I'm saying? What do think you might be able to do. I mean, just throwing out ideas. And we're just talking, right? Oh, the reason I always write in bold is because my vision's not so good and I like to make sure I word things right (but not always correctly). I did wonder if it might bother somebody. But I didn't stop doing it. Hey, at least I wondered. See… I'm not too much of a butthead. OXO.

Bolded and babbling…

Isabella Lethalia Innocenzi

.

[Guest Sergei]

Hey Matt,

It really upsets me to hear that you are still going through all of this. Please confide in sonmebody Matt. You really will be amazed how it helps. I felt exactly how you felt. Every word you have said I could relate to. Then I confided in my tutor, as I have said many times before. All of a sudden my life seemed to get better and better. He became my best friend, a really true friend. He protected me, from the whispers, and the laughing. Slowely over time, with his help and support I gained some confidence which I never had before. He taught me not to feel ashamed with who I was, and he stood up for me against them bullies, until I finally gained enough confidence that I can now stand up for myself.

I'm not claiming that everything is perfect for me now. I had a terrible week last week, I was down constantly, started drinking again (which I shouldn't be), and just felt so unhappy with my life that I really felt I wanted to die. The feeling that I want to be this great man I have in my mind. This great man that I feel Sergei should be, but isn't. Because he still has things which are female, mentally and physically, which he can't get away from yet, and that depresses me alot. I went to see my tutor yesterday. He was great, we talked for ages. Just feeling support, and knowing that somebody is there for me, and really cares helps. After a whole week of feeling terrible, my mood finally felt so much better after that conversation with him.

I really think you need to get yourself a friend like this. You said you study music. What about your teacher??? I bet he or she would be more than happy to help you. If you don't have the confidence to speak in person, use the computer. Send an e-mail. Please Matt, try and do something. It really breaks my heart to hear you in so much pain, especially knowing that if you could just find the courage to take this one step things would start gettting better for you.

[Flint]

I dont get out much. I was bed bound for several months then housebound. I'm wheelchair bound have been for a few years now. So getting out is hard. I wil read through the reply again late and reply again casue due to physcial illenss i'm finding it hard to read things all the way through/

[Flint]

Hey there, Matt. OwUB? IBOK.

Matt, I do understand about people whispering about you behind your back. I went through this a lot back when I was in school… and the bullying, and the beatings. I didn't have friends in school (wasn't a big deal for me) but I do understand the feeling: I did have people betray and laugh at me not that long ago in the split with my ex. So… I do understand. Of course, in my situation, I had confidence in myself already so I'm guessing it wasn't as bad for me as it has been for you. I'm not saying it was fun… just probably not as bad for me.

You said that you don't look people in the eye because you know they can read what you're thinking and feeling. Actually, they can't. People can't read minds. And they don't know what you're feeling because if they knew, they'd know what it feels like… and they would behave so poorly. I can "read" people, but that's because I've been there. I know what it feels like. Those people who seem to read you are actually reading basic signs of weakness and preying on them. Any animal can do that. I am thinking that you might be leading them to believe you are weak. And in a male world, this sometimes becomes an issue.

About the confidence… I am thinking one of the first things you have to do is start looking people in the eye. So I take it you I've never backed somebody down by looking at them? I know that sounds like a stupid question but have you ever been so angry that you just stared at them waiting for them to start something? Family? Friends? People on the computer screen? And friends… do you look them in the eye in conversation? I mean, just talking? See, I don't know… that's why I ask. I had a friend who could never look at anyone in the face… ever. People used to think he was weak. Matt, the weaker people think you are, the more they try to step on you. Not everybody is that way, but it only takes a few jerks a day to ruin your week. Matt, you ever get mad about it all? Do you? And even if it's just with salespeople, try to make more eye contact. Making eye contact will help you feel a little more able to talk to them and vice versa.

I don't mean to sound insensitive. If I do, please forgive me. I'm a person who is bold, has performed on stage, given speeches, public poetry reading, on and on. But I am not a loud person… at all. And two of my sisters are performers. So I am trying to understand exactly what it is that you are feeling. What do you think would help build your confidence a little? In baby steps, if you will. I mean, online is okay… but I am thinking that you need more interaction with real people… away from school. Also, how do you get around? Me, I don't have a car, buses confuse me, and right now… I'm temporarily in a wheelchair… short recovery. Car! Waaa! Wow, two word story. I don't know what things are like in the U.K. Also, are there any groups you can join… just to be with people? I think the more people you can meet, the better.

About the school deal… are you on any HRT? Have you or are you going to have your name/gender changed legally? If so, do you think you can talk to the admin people about your name? And if you can't do that, is there someone who can accompany you to have your records changed at school? Again, I don't know how things work in the U.K.… I'm the U.S., Florida. But hey, I'm a Texan… don't 'cha know. You mention the tutors, the people who take your photo for the ID card, the people who sort out your bus pass, all the different people at all the desks… they're nobodys (nobodies). They are there to serve you. They may think they're somebody, but they're not. Really, they not. They don't want to do their job, somebody else can do it… start talking discrimination… whether it is or it isn't.

I guess I'm just trying to get a feel for your particular situation. Because no advice is going to help unless it is something you feel you can do. You see what I'm saying? What do think you might be able to do. I mean, just throwing out ideas. And we're just talking, right? Oh, the reason I always write in bold is because my vision's not so good and I like to make sure I word things right (but not always correctly). I did wonder if it might bother somebody. But I didn't stop doing it. Hey, at least I wondered. See… I'm not too much of a butthead. OXO.

Bolded and babbling…

Isabella Lethalia Innocenzi

.

I odnt mind th bold writing . i dont think i really noticed anything untill you pointed out it was in bold lol. My name is not changed legally yet. I'm not on hormones or anything like tat yet eitehr. I've been hoing to changeing my name long time but i dont yet have a debit card s can't do it online yet by deed poll thingy and as my mum and dad wont let me it's hard to change that legally at the moment. The reason i coudn't say antything at enrollment is because tehre were studuents all around right behind and next to us. and my mum was there who kept giving me that look "You know what dad will say if you told them about this"

[MaryEllen]

Hi Matty,

Even though things are not going as you would like, don't be discouraged. Things will change and it will get better.

MaryEllen