Pink Fog

[Janae]

I have been having difficulty concentrating on things for the past few months. Today I was thinking about this more and it kind of felt like I was in a fog.  So I guess I have heard the term Pink Fog before I suppose, because I went ahead and googled it and came up with this post back in 2009 (oddly I could not find it here, but it looked like it was posted in this discussion group back in September 2009.

 

“Have many of you ever go through really bad pink fog stages where all you can think about is your gender issues?

It seems like every two months or so this strikes me with a vengeance and I struggle to keep everything together.

I am going through a pink fog phase at the moment and it is bitter sweet, I love the feelings and emotions I am experiencing and yet at the same time feel I am being smothered by a heavy weight of frustration.  

I am struggling to keep on top of this and carry on with my daily activities, it's not so bad during the day when I have work etc to distract me but at night it is more difficult. Have you had these feelings and if so what do you do to manage them?

My wife is very supportive but I can't talk to her about this as it makes her uncomfortable - I have already tried.

It is so confusing and I just wished I could find a middle ground whereby I can be Rachael whenever the urge is there without being obsessed by the whole thing.

Normally I am okay with being transgendered - love it in fact, but during these periods I find it a struggle as it makes me feel vulnerable and a bit lost.  “
 

Wow.  Yes, I couldn’t have described it better, or said it better, - same thing exactly but more frequently than every 2 months.  I have been dressing for the past 50 years. I found this forum a little over a year ago, and it has helped immensely knowing that i am not alone.  Everyone has been very supportive.  
Things were going very well for me (my wife was supportive it seemed) until last October when my wife one day out of the blue told me she would leave me if I transitioned to a woman.  I was devastated as I thought things between us were going rather well.  (In retrospect- that week it was cold outside so I took advantage of that opportunity to wear a heavy coat to hide the fact I was wearing a bra and ran a few errands.  Maybe  my C cup was not so obscured)
We have had some good discussion over the past couple of weeks and she told me she would have left me by now if she was unhappy.  So i am happy about that. She has some hard boundaries- no going out of the house wearing a bra, and I need to wear out some of my clothes before getting new ones.  I do love to shop, and have more bras and panties than she does.  She has a hard time wrapping her head around that, and has asked many times why i want to wear a bra when she hates it. I have tried to explain how it feels the right thing to be doing - it just feels right, (better than how I feel when I don’t have any breasts/bra) and when I look in the mirror I like what I see, but I think for a cis person they just don’t understand.

 

 

Probably way too much in this post - but if anyone has any of these feelings mentioned above how do you manage them?

 

Thanks for reading.

 

Hugs

Janae

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Janae said:

My wife is very supportive but I can't talk to her about this as it makes her uncomfortable - I have already tried.

Wow!  this hits so close to home, its almost as I had written it myself.  Going on 2 years now since coming out to my wife (only), but not really being able to talk about it because it always gets uncomfortable. 
I can dress at home (mostly in private) but similar "boundaries" about  going out or going farther .. not really sure I am ready for that yet anyway so its not a big issue so far.
I received a similar threat of "leaving" if I transition, but recently she denied she ever said that (I didn't forget), so maybe that is a hopeful sign.
I recently made a determination that I need to open the communication again.  Big reason is I want to start therapy, and I don't want to do it behind her back.  I am hoping she doesn't see it as a threat but an opportunity for me to get my arms around my gender identity.  Hopefully it will include her at some point too .. and I feel unless we understand and support each other, it will be difficult to continue without one or both of us being unhappy in this relationship.

Thank you Janae for posting this .. I too feel I am fortunate to have found this forum.

Wishing you all the best in your journey

 

[Janae]

Thank you Kay!  My wife and I have been married over 30 years, and more than half of those she has known about, and supported me.  Last year I came out to her fully that there is more to this.

i have mentioned to her that I want to go to therapy, but she insists that it don’t need it.  In one of our discussions she mentioned “MTF runs in the family “ (I have a cousin that transitioned many years ago), it may be that she is worried that I will end up going to a therapist and starting the transition that day?

When it comes to money, she controls it, and I have learned that I need to ask before spending it or risk her anger.

Kay, please let me know how things go with you and your wife and your approach for therapy.  I too don’t want to go behind my wife’s back, but I know that I need therapy.

 

Thank you Kay ❤️
 

Janae

[Susan R]

2 hours ago, Janae said:

“Have many of you ever go through really bad pink fog stages where all you can think about is your gender issues?

To some degree this probably happens to many of us transitioning with and without spouses although I never heard it referred to as a ‘pink fog‘ stage. Obviously, before coming out fully about wanting to transition to female to my wife the topic just was never brought up. Shortly after coming out though, we seemed to talk about nothing else. So much so that we talked about a [future] time when transition, gender, and all of the issues it creates would not be a part of our regular discussion throughout the day. I’m really not sure that will ever happen. Now that we have become quite accustomed to our life as two married women, we no longer worry about it like we once did.  My wife and I find enjoyment with several support groups where gender issues are the main focus. Plus, we are both involved of online trans communities that we really enjoy. It hasn’t got to a point where a ‘pink fog’ has detrimentally affected our lives. If it ever starts to interfere with our life together, I’m sure we would make some changes in our day to day although I’m not sure what those changes would entail.

 

My Best,

Susan R?

[KayC]

6 hours ago, Janae said:

Kay, please let me know how things go with you and your wife and your approach for therapy.

Hi Janae.   Here's the update -

Well!  after reading your post, and some encouragement from another Member, I re-opened the discussion with my wife today, with the specific intent to tell her I wanted to seek therapy.
It was a bit of awkward silence at first, but after being to explain Why I wanted to go to therapy she agreed to support me (at least at this phase).  She immediately wanted to also know how "far" I was going to go with this (i.e, full transition) and I honestly could not tell her ... well ... because that's why I want to go to therapy. (right?)
I presented therapy as a way we could actually improve our relationship, rather than ignoring the elephant-in-the room.  And we also discussed the opportunity for her to also seek therapy on how to deal with this, and eventually couple therapy.  That would be my ideal. (we do have other generic issues in our marriage, as you alluded to, and all couples experience.  Nothing to do with gender identity).

I know from past experience that even though she pledged support, this is going to take her a while to come to grips with, and there could be a few rocky days ahead.  I need to be considerate of her feelings and ability to cope.  But, in the end I think that is better than the daily roller coaster of anxiety attacks I have endured the last couple of years.

I hoping something similar is in store for you, Janae❣️
Deep breaths ... one step at a time

[Janae]

14 hours ago, KayC said:

know from past experience that even though she pledged support, this is going to take her a while to come to grips with, and there could be a few rocky days ahead.  I need to be considerate of her feelings and ability to cope.  But, in the end I think that is better than the daily roller coaster of anxiety attacks I have endured the last couple of years.

Hi Kay.  Absolutely-  I believe this to be the best approach as well.  It’s not a race, but rather a journey.  

I think initially because of the huge emotional outpouring of ones feelings to their spouse there will be a willingness and offer of support and help.  However I  believe once she has had time to reflect on “what the new picture “ looks like, a lot of questions and uncertainty starts to emerge....

 

Thank you for the update. I truly wish all the best to you and your spouse. 
You are so right about that elephant- it can get pretty big in the room. We have started talking more lately so I will try your approach and see how it goes.

 

Hugs ❤️
 

Janae

[KayC]

10 hours ago, Janae said:

However I  believe once she has had time to reflect on “what the new picture “ looks like, a lot of questions and uncertainty starts to emerge....

Hi Janae 
Well, you nailed this one on the head.  By time we finished dinner I could tell it was no longer a positive experience for both of us.  I think she let all the possibilities of what could happen next to roll around in her head and she closed down.  I think we both went to bed a bit depressed last night.
This was the response I was worried about.  It was almost like I was Coming Out a second time.  Almost like she had come to think my gender dysphoria was a passing fantasy, and now she had to face it again (although it had never gone away).

As much as I prefer the "open communication" approach my wife does not really handle it very well .. that's our history.

This morning she told me she didn't want to talk about it and needed some time ... so its a little bit (actually a lot) tense right now, but I think/hope she will open up again.  She did reaffirm that she supported me going to therapy .. but she pulled back on ever participating. 

 

Not knowing how your wife handles these topics I cannot give you advice on how to proceed based on how this went over with my wife.

I almost regret telling her now about wanting therapy, but it was going to have to be addressed sometime, just for my own mental health.  But her delayed reaction and pain is hard for me to watch. 

For now, I am just going do what I can to reassure her and to wait and see what happens after I start therapy. 
thank you for the support and encouragement❣️

[Janae]

13 hours ago, KayC said:

This was the response I was worried about.  It was almost like I was Coming Out a second time.  Almost like she had come to think my gender dysphoria was a passing fantasy, and now she had to face it again (although it had never gone away).

Kay,

 

So sorry to hear this, but I have and do go through the same thing.  So do you by any chance come up with “corny ideas” that don’t go anywhere?  For instance, maybe you say “you know, I always wanted to take up jogging.  I think I’ll go get me some new runners as well as a pair of shorts and a new top”. So you do that, and oh, about 6 months later your wife says “ I haven’t noticed you out jogging lately.  Another one of your corny ideas come and gone.”  And then of course to rub salt in, adds “is there anything you do for longer than A couple of months?”  
Please don’t think I am trying to make fun of a serious situation, but the point of this was that she may be thinking this is another one of these “fads” that will go away.  ...and the thing is it does not go away - it’s who we are.  So what do we do?  Well, if committed to the relationship- then you develop some ground rules that are agreed upon, (and likely they are reluctantly agreed).  Then to help make it through the fog, we have this Forum. Overtime hopefully, we can hope that our spouse will develop an understanding of what we go through. 

 

Hugs ❤️
 

Janae

[KayC]

9 hours ago, Janae said:

Overtime hopefully, we can hope that our spouse will develop an understanding of what we go through. 

Thanks, Janae ..

That is what I am hoping.  She was better today, so hopefully its an indicator that she probably just needs some time again to make it through Phase 2.  But, I can tell how much she is having a hard time with this .. and there is only so much I can do to comfort her.

I am truly hoping that if therapy can help me become a better "me" she will see that our relationship will also benefit. 

 

Corny ideas.. hah!  that's funny.  Actually its usually my wife that does that .. goes All In on a new hobby then never does again after a few months.  Oh well, I love her ?

I know we're both going through similar situations.  I am hoping for the best possible outcome for you and your wife.

I'll keep you updated on my progress.  Thank you again for your encouragement❣️

[Sally Stone]

Janae, Kay,

 

I hope you both can sort things out with your spouses.  That can be difficult and may take some time.

 

Actually though, I wanted to comment on the idea of a "Pink Fog."  It is a term I am extremely familiar with, but I learned about it in a different context.  In the trans world it has meant that the joy and happy-giddy feelings you have when expressing your true self tend to overwhelm you.  I have experienced the pink fog on numerous occasions, but it always came after a great day, or period of time expressing my feminine side.  It was particularly overpowering the first few times I expressed my feminine side out in public.  Things go better than you anticipate, it makes you feel whole and complete, so suddenly you are all warm and contented, and you don't want to let go of that great feeling.  My pink fogs could be quite overwhelming. 

[KayC]

30 minutes ago, Sally Stone said:

it makes you feel whole and complete

Thank you for your support, encouragement and story, Sally.  I look forward to experiencing your kind of Pink Fog some day

❤️