worried scared anxious and retired

[Heather Shay]

I've been fighting this all my lifepractically. Born male, went to priest in 4th grade, looked in mom's lingerie growing up, saw playboy article where guy went to sleep male and woke up female. Always felt uncomfortable doing the male thing on dates, crossdressed, got married and 2 years later she cheated and left me, I became anerexic, running 5-6 hours a day, saw therzapist, didn't help, remarried, had panic attacks, purged and bought clothes again, wear a light beard to force myself not to go all in, self medicated with estrogen and blockers bought on line, wife caught and I went to therapist again and stopped the meds. Now at retirement its juist as strong if not stronger that I actually use photoshop to blend my face on women and crossdress again. BUT at 68 it seems maybe doing CD in private should be enough as I'm afraid to be rejected like from my first wife and to tell family and friends.

[VickySGV]

Welcome to the Forums. Your age is not a barrier, I am four years older than you are.  My suggestion is to find your nearest LGBTQ Center and join a support group for Trans people where you can go in confidentiality and discuss things and feelings.  They can also open the doors to Gender Therapists who can help you sort out where YOU need to be in all of this.  First issue is that you face your reality, the one thing we find is that we are often our own worst enemies.  You need to be OUT some degree and with accepting people, and they do exist, in ways that are safe and wholesome. Marriages are NOT GUARANTEED TO FAIL, and can be kept intact.  Families that do not accept you can be filled with Chosen Families that develop in the Trans Communities and they can be exceptionally uplifting and supportive.  Sometimes Blood has nothing to do with families and that is great. 

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Shay.  Most of us have lived some portion of your story.  What you decide to do is a decision only you can make, and there is no wrong decision.  Vicky has some great advice on how to find support locally.  We offer support too, as well as information and friendship.  Take advantage of all the you need and want.  Have a look around and post whatever questions you have.  We'll be here for you.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[KayC]

Welcome Shay! and happy to meet you!
You've found a great place to explore your feelings and gain valuable insight from the experiences of other Members here.

You've covered a lot of territory in your introduction that sounds so familiar to me .. and others as they have told you.  So, you are in good company and you've already received some great advice.

My own experience (after suppressing, covering, yes .. facial hair) for so many years is that big changes in our Life situation prompts our deepest feelings to re-emerge and they cannot be ignored without creating anxiety and maybe even depression.  Things like changing jobs, losing a parent or family member, retirement ... etc.  Those are life altering experiences.

The fact that you have a therapist is great (I haven't started yet, but will soon) but I hope you are feeling progress.  If not, sometimes you may need to find another therapist, specially one that specializes in gender dysphoria issues.  LGBTQ+ support groups can probably help.

 

My wife allows me to crossdress in private, but I know (for me) that's not enough.  Its just a bandaid.  So, sometime (soon I hope) I will need to find a path forward.  Still don't know the destination yet, but I hope working with a therapist, and hopefully support from my wife will get me there.

I am wishing the same for you Shay, in whatever path you find is best for you.
Look forward to hearing more from you❣️

[Sally Stone]

Welcome Shay.  I think you identified your issue in your very first sentence: 

17 hours ago, Shay said:

I've been fighting this all my lifepractically.

 

Fighting against your true nature, in my humble opinion, is a battle that usually doesn't get won.  Like Vicky said, "face your reality."  In fact, give in to it enough to explore and understand who you really are.  And remember, there is no law or rule that says being trans has an age limit.  I'm in my 60's, and living a very fulfilling feminine life, and I'm living on my own terms, terms that work for me.

 

As you explore your thoughts and feelings, you can share with all of us.

[Heather Shay]

thank you for responding - the more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I have not been my true self - fearing rejection - having been rejected in many areas of life - I thought again about how I never felt right asking girls out, I wished I'd been asked out, never felt right holding hands or making the first move and never felt right doing the things boys are supposed to do on dates and such. I know it's probably just a rationalization but I was making about the birth order of my mom's kids and my mom's 2 sisters and 1 brother. Her brother and both girls had 2 boys and then a girl. My mother had 3 boys and I always felt something wasn't right. and still do.

[Heather Shay]

Wow - I didn't realize that several of you commented on my post and I thank you all for your comments and encouragement

[Erikka]

Welcome Shay, glad you are here.

You are never too old. I started socially transitioning at 67 and HRT at 68 and came out to everyone at 69. Now my marriage ended emotionally eight years ago (the cause was MST PTSD that moved in when  retired) and physically three years ago. But to be clear, the marriage did not end because of my being trans because I told her I was trans before we got married and that portion of my life was never any issue.

I agree with Vicky You must face who you are and the degree to which you do that is up to you. Another tidbit of advice. Find a couselor.

Good luck with your journey.

[Susan R]

Hi @Shay, Welcome! It’s a pleasure to meet you. I can’t add much to what has already been stated as I am a bit late to this thread. I led much a similar life in my younger years and have an understanding of the pain you’ve endured over the years. It’s not easy and I’m sure, like myself, you’ve wondered “why me?” several times in your past. There are so many others like us that have successfully traversed this road so don’t give up hope. Take small steps and surround yourself with people who care about you without judgement. @VickySGV had a great idea to reach out to local trans support groups. Short of a gender therapist, this is one of the best things I did for myself. I have met several people in these groups that will continue to be in my life for much needed support and friendship.

 

Thank you for sharing and hope to see you post here again in the near future.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[Heather Shay]

I bought the book by Dara Hoffman-Fox - a gender identity workbook and am going slowly. ALso letting hair grow (easy in pandemic) and plan to look for LGBTQ discussion group , but I am SO HAPPY to receive 4 replies to my post and that has been the only four people I've ever actually been able to feel understand what I'm going through. I'm on a low dose zoloft but am starting to feel increased anxiety so it is most likely telling me to keep going and get through it.