I am confused of my gender identity

[Sarah000]

Hi there...I am very confused of my gender identity. 

Here are some facts about me:

- I’m a 16 year old, born a girl

- I only have sisters 

- I don’t see my dad very often

- I play football (NOT American football) and it’s one of the most important things to me in the world

- when I was 12 I started being more a tomboy and wore boys clothes and swimsuits because I liked the way they looked

- when I turned 14 I went through puberty, getting my period and bigger breasts, and I became really depressed

- that was when I figured out the existence of gender identity

- from 14 to 16 I have been questioning if I would rather be a male or if I could accept my body. 

- it usually comes in waves, like it’ll be a few weeks where I really wish I was a boy, then I will be ok with myself; when I was 15 it lasted for 10 months

 

here is my stance on transgender and gender identity:

 

- I know that stereotypes don’t matter: I have been wearing and acting however I want for my whole life 

- I know that just because I liked princesses when I was young and have always had only female friends doesn’t mean that I’m not a “real boy”

- also, I don’t feel like I have a boy’s mind trapped in a girl’s body, I just wish I was a boy. 

- I don’t have any interaction with boys, mainly because I am too shy. I am as straight. However I haven’t really been friends with one, so I don’t know if I am only just really curious about them. But I do know for sure that I’m not into girls in any way. I don’t find most girls physically attractive, for myself as a girl. I might think they have a good body, but I don’t have a sense of longing. 

- I really really feel a sense of regret not having the male body and I feel like I’m missing out. I hate my body so much and I have super super intense dysphoria about my chest, any time I’m not wearing a bra and when I’m wearing one.  My breasts are the worst. And the fact that I will never be as physically strong as males. 

- I also have an opinion that when I watch movies, the male that is being presented I wish I was them, but I don’t know how factual it is (I think movies affect me in this way, or my surface level interpretation in real life)

 

TO CLARIFY MY FEELINGS: 

- I know that I can act in any way I want and that I don’t need to even present as a specific gender. I know that I can wear male clothes and I really don’t care if about society hating that stuff, because I’ve been doing it for 4 years. The big thing is that I hate my body and I have an intense longing to have a male body, a male personality, and look like a male, and be able to wear male clothes, as I am super jealous of the way they look. 

- However, I don’t know if that is because I like boys. 

- Also, when I think of myself as a girl, I feel lame. I don’t have a lot of confidence and I am not happy with the way I look or feel. I feel like a loser when I present myself as a girl in school. (I’m not sure if that’s because society makes girls feel like they’re losers. But when I watch “girl power” movies I don’t really feel like happy to be a girl. All my female idols are very masculine)

- when I imagine myself as male, like when I’m hanging out with my friends, I instantly feel happier and more confident and cooler. 

 

I also have an intense feeling of FOMO about a lot of things (so maybe I think I’m missing out?) 

 

My stance on transitioning: 

- if I transition (which doesn’t or does include medically), I know I will be unhappy, because I will never get the true male body. 

- Also, it would ruin my life because I would never be able to play football (soccer) at the club level again, and my dreams of playing football in college would be impossible. However I also miss a lot of football because I am uncomfortable and i don’t feel similar to my female teammates. And I have depression

- It’s also hard to exercise when I feel like this. I hate that I’m a woman and I don’t feel proud of it. Most (all except 2) of my soccer icons are men. 

- Soccer is the only thing that can distract me from this horrible horrible feeling. When I am playing with my friends, everything is better. However, I can’t play with them because season is over and plus we are in quarantine. 

 

please please please someone help in any way that you can. Remember the “to clarify my feelings” in all caps (just because I have been misunderstood before and I want to clarify)

 

thank you for reading all of this if you got this far. 

[Jackie C.]

Salutations Sarah and welcome to TransPulse!

 

I see that you're sixteen. On the plus side, that means you've got plenty of time to figure things out. My advice to you would be to seek the services of a gender therapist. They'll sit you down in a safe space and help you work your way through your feelings. You could very well be somewhere on the trans spectrum. As we like to say, cis people don't question their gender. Lucky sod's. ?

 

You've put a lot of thought into this, so that's good. You're questioning why you feel the way you do and you recognize that being a woman in America is... not all that great. To be fair, being a lot of things in America that aren't straight, white and male aren't all that great but that's an entirely different rant.

 

The body hate is kind of a red flag. While all women seem to hate part of their bodies (like my bust, backside, man-shoulders... thanks media) you shouldn't hate the whole of womanhood. To be blunt, how do you feel about your genitalia? How about the natural function of said genitalia? How do you feel about the prospect of one day becoming pregnant? These are all clues as to how you relate to your birth gender.

 

I'd also recommend You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery for some more reading on the topic. The book comes with worksheets to help you with what the different chapters are talking about. I wouldn't buy a used copy, but I strongly recommend the book.

 

In the end, you're the only one that can determine what's right for you. Even if you are trans, the goal is to become comfortable in your own body (It's pretty neat). You shouldn't take any steps that are beyond what you need to hit that sweet spot.

 

Hugs!

[Susan R]

13 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

My advice to you would be to seek the services of a gender therapist.

Jackie’s advice is complete and she covers all the points very well. I can see that you have been doing a lot of thinking about this and have your thoughts well organized and well stated. There were several statements you made in your description that lead me to think as Jackie mentioned that you are no doubt somewhere on the transgender spectrum..like most of us here. If your gender identity wasn’t an issue you focused on with such intensity, I‘d say just do your research and live your life as you want and don’t give a another thought about what society thinks or views you. Some people, however, need more. Some need a label for their gender identity and don’t feel comfortable unless they fit nice and tight into one checkbox. That’s hasn’t been really important to me because I grew up in an era that only had Male, Female, TV, TS, or questioning. That was it! None of those descriptors truly felt like ‘me’. Today, we have so many dozens of labels for gender identities on the spectrum and they still miss the mark half the time.

 

IMHO, this focus on gender identity will not cease until it is met head on and the sooner the better. I’ve lived 57 years now and it is still front and center in my life. The only difference now and over the past few years is that I decided to reach out, get help and deal with the issue.  It has changed my life as it might for you also. You’re definitely light years ahead of me as a 16 year old understanding this much about yourself. That in itself should be applauded. You have a great head on your shoulders and I think dealing with this early on as you are will help lead you to a get life for yourself.

 

Thank you for sharing your story with us today. Keep doing what your doing and continue pushing forward to get into some kind of ‘gender focused’ therapy. You be amazed how much you will learn about yourself in short order...assuming the therapist is good. I hope to read more about you and your future progress as you learn more.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[KayC]

Hi Sarah!  nice to meet you and Welcome❣️

11 hours ago, Sarah000 said:

TO CLARIFY MY FEELINGS: 

- I know that I can act in any way I want and that I don’t need to even present as a specific gender

WOW!  all I can say is that you have an extremely deep and introspective self-awareness.  Even though it may not ease your pain and body image concerns, at your age that is an amazing head start on the path to a happy and fulfilling life regardless of your destination.  Some people never (ever) get that far, and some of us take decades.

 

11 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

As we like to say, cis people don't question their gender.

The ever wise @Jackie C. and @Susan R gave some great assistance in providing a guiding light ... but obviously this will be your own unique journey.  It took me 50 years to realize what Jackie said.  I know now I am not cis-gender and I don't really understand how they feel ... any more than they understand how I feel. 

The recommendation for gender identity therapy is an important one, and one that I am hoping to start soon.  Hopefully you also have access to those resources.  In the meantime some of the stories and experiences you find on this Forum should be helpful and encouraging.  We are all here to support each other.

I am hopeful for a wonderful life ahead of you.  Thank you for sharing with us!

[Sarah000]

Thank you so much everyone for responding, it really means a lot. I will take all the advice. 

[Erikka]

Welcome Sarah,

You are lucky in ways that were not open to me when I was your age. At that age I was taking Health Ed in high school, taught by a teacher who was painfully, visibly in the closet, learning that there were only two genders and anything else was mental illness and as a  male I was painfully aware of a war in southeast asia and because of being male the threat hanging over me of being drafted and having to fight in the war was one more reason I didn't want to be male. Being a male was a liability.

I envy the freedom you possess to explore and experiment and to make an informed, well thought out decision how you want to live your life.

Lykke til

Erikka

[Tori M]

Welcome @Sarah000,

It sounds like you have a lot of yourself and your needs figured out already.  Way to go!  I hope you will be able to progress even further with the immense amount of information, experiences and support here.

 

I don't know if I will ever completely stop hating my body.  The best I've managed is that the further I progress in transition, the less I hate it.  Also, gradually I am learning to transform/replace that hate with other feelings.  I sincerely hope you can find that path that's just right for you, too.

 

 

13 hours ago, KayC said:

I know now I am not cis-gender and I don't really understand how they feel ... any more than they understand how I feel. 

 

@KayC, I'm going to use that.  I never thought of it that way, but it's true.  I have no idea what it's like to be cis.  I wonder if the cis people I talk with about my situation can relate to that.

[Mx.Drago]

Hello and welcome Sarah000!

Came from a similar place. The bra thing to me feels like a weird bondage thing society demands puppies be at least firmly strapped in place at least.? For sports I can understand strapping up, extra bouncing can stress more than your spine, doesn't help at all your running for that target. It has its benefits, having the top cushions, it does give extra padding, in my opinion. But I can understand the wanting to be rid of them. I myself don't like knives, and am already intending on my own modifications. Still terrifyingly exciting but not sure quite how to feel bout it, but better forward, if possible. I picked my way it's just catching for that target. Your still young yet and have plenty more growing to do. I'm 33, time knows nothing like the present.

Kick and run on for as long as you can. You love soccer don't let anything stop you, not even narrow minded folk, who maybe shameless in their ways. Get the best comfortable shoes, socks you can.  Your body is your kingdom and you choose what you can do. Just be careful running and mind them sweeps.

I love walking, can't run, always had bad lungs, even with vocal lessons, but wished I took better care of my legs. Women shoes never fit well on my feet, found out it was amazing to move again, when I found my shoe size.  Wear size 8 men's, the space is glorious running. Threw way most my women wear. Moving causes my feet to swell, and you feel those needles from the compression. It's the sodium, I can be a naughty eater.

I tried packing, it's interesting walking, but it gets hot. And if not installed right, can leave rashing, but I'm a sensitive person. For me the target is the bottom, can't work with a stand in attachment. It barely satisfies my desire. I just would like to sit and be whole and not wanting. But hopefully sticking around and best learning your options is leaps and bounds all of their own. ?Keep that cool stride and be proud. Be well and safe.

PS You love who you love, don't matter what gender but I'm just pansexual and love everyone regularless my harsh preferences. ??

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Tori M said:

I'm going to use that. 

That's great, Tori, and I have to admit I had not really thought about that either until I just wrote it..  but now I feel a bit more enlightened ?

Love this Forum❣️