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Abi

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Abi

   Hello seems the best way to start. I have been trying to find the words to describe how I feel for as long as I can remember. I have so many reasons to reach out here and be a part of this wonderful community. I am a bundle of emotion and take things really hard sometimes. This is just part of the Highly Sensitive Person that I am. I don't ask people for help very often but will gladly listen to advice. I am pretty open minded to new thoughts and different perspectives. I think I am here mostly due to the extreme loneliness I have felt my whole life. I was forced to find a way to internalize everything, I felt about myself, since a very young age. There are some who would have accepted me any way I felt. They were outnumbered by people with hatred and judgement in the place where a heart should have been. I have never been good at hiding how emotional I get and how "little" words can shatter me. I have had some very hard times in life, so I can relate to a lot of the abusive things some of you  may have had to endure. I know I will likely never have a relationship beyond friendship again.  I can offer an ear and will share at times. I apologize now, if I get intense in those discussions. It's hard to cope with it all, at times. I really just want to be peaceful and loving to all people. I take nature photos and listen to music all the time. I am also pretty much alone all the time. I have never had anyone in my real life that I felt I could share any of this with. Having never asked anyone to help guide me to healthier patterns has crippled me socially in some ways. I guess what I an here for is to feel better about who I am and share what little I can, with the hopes it helps other's somehow.  ~Abi~

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Astrid

Hi, Abi!

Welcome!  We'd be happy to hear your stories and be here to listen, as well as to share our stories with you.  I'm happy to do that either here in the Forums, or via PM for private sharing.

It can, indeed, be lonely.  I and so many others can relate to hiding our emotions -- in my case, I waited until retirement to come out to my spouse. Doing so was an important step forward for me -- relieving a lot of pent-up depression and anger and fear.  Turned out that, with patience and communication, therapy, and lots of other things along this journey, I'm now a lot less fearful, and a lot happier.  

 

Best wishes on your journey.  Good that you reached out to us!

 

Hugs,

 

Astrid

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Susan R
6 hours ago, Abi said:

I guess what I an here for is to feel better about who I am and share what little I can, with the hopes it helps other's somehow.  ~Abi~

Abi, one step at a time, one day at a time...being here has helped me and so many others. Healing is a process that takes time but it can happen if you’re surrounded by people who care. As @Astrid says...it’s good that you’ve reached out. We are here for you because we all need one another to help with that healing process.

 

My Best,

Susan R🌷

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Timber Wolf

Hi Abi,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf 🐾

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KayC

Hi Abi
Thank you for your openness and sharing your feelings.  Those are big steps towards moving forward.


Its not the destination, but the journey that's important.  We're all in this together, so hop in and lets share the "ride". 

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Carolyn Marie

Abi, thank you for opening up to us.  That took great courage.  We can't give you a hug or hold your hand IRL as we would like to, but we can do so virtually.  You can and will find peace, and I hope love as well.  Those things you enjoy, like music and photography and being out in nature, are also enjoyed by so many.  Keep doing those things and make human contact.  Show others how you feel, and they will open there hearts to you.  There are many more people with open minds and hearts than ones that are closed and filled with hate.  You'll find the former, and find the courage to ignore the latter and put them out of your mind.

 

We are here for you, and offer that virtual hug and hand.  :friends:

 

Carolyn Marie

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IcamoutofthePANtry

@Abi I'm a HSP too! (Highly Sensitive Person.) While it is true that everyone should not have to walk on eggshells around you, it is also very important that you recognize that YOU ARE IMPORTANT. It sounds like no one else is going to look out for your feelings, so you have to. You need to be able to say "Stop it. This is hurting me and I need you to either stop it or leave my life."

I know so well that it is easy to say, but so hard to do. Just remember how much happier you will be without that negativity in your life. I definitely relate to not being taught about being trans. I went to a Catholic school so they didn't teach us anything. I used to think being lesbian was a religion 😑

Look at me now! Pan and trans! Once you find the right people, and I promise you they're out there, you will blossom and glow. It feels so amazing for these people you have finally decided to trust lift you up to the sunlight and promise you everything will be okay.

If you're part of a certain religion that is making you feel horrible for who you are, it's okay to leave. If whoever you worship or whatever is so great, they should accept that you need to do this for your mental health. If not, do you really want to worship them?

Sorry if you couldn't relate to that😑

Good luck!

Hugs,

IcameoutofthePANtry

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Abi

@IcamoutofthePANtry Thank you for taking a moment to share a bit about yourself too! I feel, the only time people usually walk on eggshells for others, is if they already have gotten to know them enough to know they are sensitive to certain things and actually care about how they feel. In general, most people never even see how sensitive we all are. Some others are drawn to sensitive people as the moth is to a flame. They are drawn to our caring and compassionate nature. I believe they wish to capture us, to have control of our lives and even who else gets to know us.  I can't tell how many times saying "Stop it, what you're saying is breaking my heart" was met with a kind of joyful hatred towards me. It hurts when you care for someone so much that you would give your very life for them and you know they would never do the same for you. Instead of them feeling loved and appreciated enough, that it is important to them to do the same for me, they give nothing back and say things like "If you don't like it then leave."  Telling other's to leave my life is something that makes me very uncomfortable. I do not like giving up on people. I take that as a personal failure. I have been hurt by that many times. That is true. 

 

I am not tied by a religious belief but, I have tried to see the messages that all religions share. There is no place for 'worship' in my vocabulary. I have a great respect for all life and seek nothing more than to share in the joy of it. I just call that Faith. 

 

Very nice to meet you. 

~Abi~

 

 

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IcamoutofthePANtry

@Abi I can certainly relate to not wanting to give up on people. I'm so sorry that people don't seem to care about your feelings. I am very blessed to have so many accepting people around me, so I'm not entirely sure what advice to give you. Hang in there. You are loved, even if it doesn't feel like it.

Perhaps someday this society will be more accepting towards those with thinner skin and remember to be kind. I know it's hard to let go of people, but they will find others, maybe even friends who will help them be better. I remind myself that I still care about these people, but I need to distance myself from them, even though I love them. Just because you're farther away, doesn't mean you've given up on them. I still help out "ex-friends" when they need it, but I will not let them into my inner circle again. Maybe it would be helpful to practice being friends with someone without necessarily trusting them. You love and care about them, but you don't tell them about your private thoughts and feelings, because they've hurt you in the past and you have a right to protect yourself.

Nice to meet you too,

IcameoutofthePANtry

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Tori M
37 minutes ago, Abi said:

I do not like giving up on people. I take that as a personal failure.

 

Wow, it's so good to hear I'm not the only one!  I've almost never given up on anyone.  Even when they hurt me, I guess I can see through their bad behavior to the injured person underneath.  I have felt like a sucker and I have felt like an angel for this.  So confusing, but I've learned to just accept that's the way I am and hopefully my excessive compassion is my tiny gift to the world.

 

I remember a girl that tried hard to be close to me, but she was so damaged she was beyond even my abilities to help her.  I turned her away.  I heard she later died from her self-abuse.  I barely knew her but it still makes me sad and a little disappointed in myself.

 

Sorry, this is way off topic here, but couldn't help but comment on this.

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Abi
2 hours ago, Tori M said:

I remember a girl that tried hard to be close to me, but she was so damaged she was beyond even my abilities to help her.  I turned her away.  I heard she later died from her self-abuse.  I barely knew her but it still makes me sad and a little disappointed in myself.

I have no idea how to help someone determined to hurt themselves. I know we can give endlessly to that and never see any good come from it. Still we try. I know I have always done that because it is what feels right. The results don't make the feelings any less genuine. All people have to live with that, whatever way they find most comfortable. It's totally on topic in my opinion. 

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IcamoutofthePANtry

@Abi  @Tori M As awful as it might sound, sometimes people do it for attention. I know that was one of the reasons I hurt myself. That and to cope with my suicidal thoughts and extreme depression. The thing is, no one thinks about why they want attention. I wanted attention because I was so miserable that I didn't want to be here. Sometimes, it can be as simple as saying "Can you tell me if you hurt yourself? I want to make sure you clean and bandage it properly."

It's the small things that help the most. This may seem bad, but my friend used to call cutting "doing an edgy." We laughed so hard about something so small. Sometimes people just need you to remind them that it's just another Tuesday. Sometimes it makes it worse to bring too much attention to it.

Idk hope this helps,

IcameoutofthePANtry

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