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Hey everyone,


I'm a 26 year old amab, currently going by Kate, but haven't completely decided on a name yet. I'm almost certain I'm trans, but I've spent so long trying to deny what I was feeling that It's still kinda tough for me to feel like what I'm feeling is valid; if that makes any sense? I've only come out to a few close friends and one family member, and have been seeing a gender therapist for a couple of months, but I'm kinda stuck on how to go forward with everything, and was hoping to get some advice from/just talk to others who are going through/have gone through the same sort of thing.

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Jackie C.

Hi Maybe-Kate and welcome to TransPulse!


25 minutes ago, K-pop said:

I'm a 26 year old amab, currently going by Kate, but haven't completely decided on a name yet.


That's pretty common. Don't worry though, you'll find what fits best.


It sounds like you're off to a good start though. I guess the main question here is, "What do you WANT to do next?"



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Hi, Kate.  Welcome!


WHat you say makes a whole lot of sense.  Most of us have been in similar situations.  Your therapist should be helping you to decide how to go forward.  But you will need to tell them which direction is "forward" before they can help you to go that way.  Like Jackie says, what do you want to do?




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Posted (edited)

Hi Kate! Welcome.


I've reworded my response to your 'how to go forward' concern a few times, but finally figured it might be easier to just lay out what I did in the order I did it. I'm not presenting this as a set of rules or as an exhaustive list, though it covers most of the big stuff, for sure. Just thought it might be helpful to see an outline of how another person has done things.The following assumes that therapy helps you determine that you are MTF and you receive a diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria - if that is even a requirement anymore. So much has changed that I'm not sure if it is still required, or if it maybe varies by state - which brings me to my caveat:


I don't know what things are like these days as far as requirements for the various doctors and legal stuff you'd need to do. I believe things have eased up in many states over the years so you may not have to jump through as many hoops.


Here's a basic 'order' of how I handled things, though a lot of it overlapped:

  • Officially came out to everyone: friends, family, work
  • Started living 'full time' (some people do this after therapy, especially if they are feeling uncertain)
  • Started hair removal treatments
  • Saw therapist
  • Received diagnosis (back then it was called Gender Identity Disorder. It is now called Gender Dysphoria, which honestly, sounds much better)
  • Used letter from therapist to get access to HRT thru doctor
  • Filed name change paperwork with county clerk's office
  • Once my name change was approved by a judge, I took the court paperwork and a letter from therapist to DMV so that I could have my driver's license updated with my new name and have the license gender marker changed (the therapist letter was specifically for the gender marker change).
  • Started the arduous process of changing my name and stuff with various other institutions, like credit companies, banks, etc. basically any entity that has your old name. this can take a while and they may be difficult and require excess paperwork.
  • Changing birth certificates was a lot harder to do when I transitioned, so I had to wait quite a while to get mine changed, and was therefore the very last thing I took care of. However, I think, depending on your state, it's much, much easier to do now. Different states have different requirements though, so you should figure out what those are. Some states may still require you to have 'bottom' surgery (for MTFs at least). Others may be fine with any gender confirming surgery, like breast augmentation, and some states may not even require surgery.
  • Tackled surgical needs (which, btw, also requires a letter from therapist. Depending on how long it's been since you saw your therapist, the surgeon/hospital and insurance companies [if applicable], may require a more current letter).
Edited by VickySGV
Per OP request.

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Timber Wolf

Hi Kate,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf🐾

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Welcome Kate! Lots of us have been or still are where you are at. Look around, lots of folks have shared lots of sage advice and their own experiences and if you don't find what you're looking forward, ask away. Hugs!

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Hi Kate!  nice to meet you and Welcome!

You are already finding a great deal of support and commonality on this Forum already.  Most of us waited many, many years to come to the point where you have already arrived. 

So I am hopeful for your continued progress.  Its what we are all seeking.


Deep breaths ... One step at a time❣️

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Thank you everyone for the kind welcome and support!


To respond to Kathy and Jackie, I guess what I want, for the moment at least, is to become more comfortable expressing myself as female and exploring my femininity. I want to be able to be open with my family about all of this, but I have so little experience with actually seeing myself as a transwoman, let alone actually presenting myself as such, that I'm afraid I'll come across as disingenuous or that I won't be able to speak with confidence to them that this is what I really want.


Between my currently living with my parents and brother, all of whom I haven't told about this, and the covid situation, finding opportunities to explore this side of myself has been difficult to say the least. I just don't know if I would be better off waiting until after I have more confidence in myself or if I'm overcomplicating things and should just bite the bullet and have the conversation.


I had recently talked this over with my counselor, and she agreed that if I was uncomfortable with the idea, I'd be better off waiting until I felt more confident; but when had talked about it, I had plans to move out and rent a place with some friends (who I have told) at the end of the summer, so I'd have some space to myself and could, at the very least, live as a woman full time at home and maybe gain the confidence I needed to be able to tell my family. Unfortunately, my friend decided to bail a few days ago, so it looks like I won't be going anywhere for a while. So I guess right now I'm feeling both physically and metaphorically stuck and I'm not really sure what my best move is...


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Jackie C.

Well that's unfortunate. You had a good plan going on there. I would be careful until you're out of the house. Depending on how your parents react, you could suddenly find yourself homeless in the middle of a global pandemic. That's not an ideal situation.


You should definitely have the conversation as soon as you're ready. It just gets harder with time, but you also need to be in a situation where their rejection, if it comes to that, doesn't leave you vulnerable and scrambling for a place to stay. You need to get this off your chest, but at the same time you need to keep yourself safe.



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Susan R
5 hours ago, K-pop said:

I had recently talked this over with my counselor, and she agreed that if I was uncomfortable with the idea, I'd be better off waiting until I felt more confident

Welcome @K-pop. I think your counselor is wise. Doing this while living in a restricted time under the roof and control to a limited extent of your parents would be pushing it. These are hard enough times and this may create a very difficult situation if things went sideways. At 26 y.o., you have a little time to get your house in order and do this on your own terms.


Glad to have you on board.


Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

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I agree with Jackie and Susan that you are not in the best situation right now, being dependent on your parents.  You might want to wait until you are more self-sufficient. 


When the time comes, remember that confidence comes from experience.  Waiting until you are more confident, when you have no experience, you might end up doing what I did, and not coming out until you are in your 60s.  I don't recommend that.  At some point, you will have to step a bit outside your comfort zone.  That's how we make progress.


But right now might not be the time to do that.

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