Fear of being rejected by cis gay men

[Nolan]

Hi!

It is my first post so hello everybody I hope I'm doing everything just right ?
I guess I have some issue with my sexual life that I wasn't aware of for many years and I need to share it with someone. 

 

I am bisexual, more gay, and I was in close intimacy and/or relationships only with women and ftm men, never with cis men (I had romances and kissing but never an intercourse because of just random reasons, like I hadn't found anyone with whom I could enter into a deeper intimacy or reasons like there were no place for doing it, idk ?).

I was for about 9 years in toxic relationship with ftm man and we recently broke up, so I just naturally started looking around ???

But then, when I was talking with some guys I realized that I am so afraid of meeting them because ... what if I won't know what to do??

I am almost 30 and at this point I am afraid of trying and exploring. I am scared to death that other men would treat me as a women because what if I cann't pleasure them or I wil act like a female or too feminine or someone would try to hook up with me just to check what I am and what is like with ftm, and then just use me and start talking to / about me as 'she', and laughing at me that I have no rights to think I am a man, or not even talking about this, just thinking about it and looking at me with contempt... ?

 

Have you ever had these kind of thinking or situations? How to handle them if they would happened?

 

I think it is possible that my fears are related with my past experiences because most of men that knew about my ts was harrasing me or laughing at me, or wanted to beat me up. They were disgusted with me to the point I started hiding. ?

Once one guy was pretending to meet with me on a date and it turned out he wanted to beat me with his friends but luckily someone warned me sooner - but all of these kind of situations was like 10 years ago and I was hiding for 10 years of who I am (also my ftm ex, who was at the same time homophobic so it was really tough times for me because he was pretending that we are just friends etc and I wasn't supposed to hand out with lgbt people because he was afraid that everybody would know about us, so now I don't have any lgbt friends, at least not in real life). 

Now I don't want to be ashamed of myself anymore but I just don't know what to do if someone will be trying to humiliate me. I don't know if I could handle it because I feel alone and I have only hetero conservative friends that for example don't know the difference between ts and drag queen. I have no one to talk to. ?

I am not accepting that I am trans because most of the time, most of the people didn't accept me to the point I started to hate myself and even now I understand this kind point of view. 

 

Recently I was chatting with some cis gays and some of them reject me when I told them who I am, also one of them started asking when I will have OP because other way there is no option that he will be treating me like I want to be treaten. It was very devastating for me and now I just don't know how to deal with my paranoia. 

What if someone want to meet me just to attack me? Current LGBT situation in Poland is just adding a fuel to the fire.

 

What would you do? ☹️
 

[VickySGV]

Actual talk of sex and sex acts are beyond the things we can discuss here since we do have members under 18 years old here.  Relations to people in general are fair game to be talking about but not how you will have sex with them. None of us on staff or membership are licensed therapists, so my first thought for you is to find a therapist who is comfortable talking about both Gay Sex and Gender Dysphoria who can help work you through your anxieties, which are real. You are probably going to have to go our of Poland on the internet where you may be able to find counselors who can help you from Germany or Holland.  Short of leaving Poland I see no other avenues, so for now, let your LGBTQ issues take a back seat and work on finding a way to get into a surrounding culture where you can be accepted. Those are based on my best vibrations based on being a California USA person.

[Carolyn Marie]

First of all, Nolan, welcome to Trans Pulse.  I certainly empathize with your situation there; Poland and too many other European countries are getting to be terrible places to be in as an LGBT person.  I hope you can survive and thrive there, even if you have to stay more in the closet than you would like.

 

I don't have any experience related to what you are feeling, and what you fear.  I can't be much help.  One suggestion is that anyone you meet or want to date, please do so in a public place, like a coffee shop, where there are others around, and never go with more than one male.  Make sure someone knows who you are with and where you are going, and arrange a time to call them to tell them you're safe.  That will offer some protection.

 

I don't know if there are still LGBT centers in Poland, but if you can find one then maybe they can help with advice or help you find a therapist or counselor.  I wish you all the best, Nolan.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[TrIIIy]

Hi, Nolan. I am also a mostly gay trans man, and I have had similar worries about dating men. I have been on a few dates with cis men, but they all seemed to not want to take it any further than a first date. And you know what? That’s fine, because it means that they aren’t ready for/don’t want to be in a relationship with a trans person, which means that we are not compatible anyway. 
I’m not from Poland, so I can’t relate too much to the paranoia that you must feel in such a transphobic environment, but I agree with Carolyn Marie that you should never go out with someone without letting someone you trust know exactly where you will be and that you should always meet in a very public place. Here in the US, I have been able to meet people in dating apps and let them know before I meet them that I am trans. This may or may not be ideal for you in Poland, though.

If you can’t find any lgbt support/friends in person where you are, make sure to reach out here in the forums. There are plenty of people who will talk with you about issues that you are facing. It’s happening right now, actually! 
Best wishes in your journey, and don’t hesitate to direct message me if you need to talk.

 

Trey

[SL]

Hey Nolan

 

I am so sorry to hear about your experiences. No one should have to worry about that. With what I've heard about what's going on in Poland I hope you can find a safe place and a good, supportive community.

 

Your worries are definitely valid. Dating as a trans person is scary. A few months ago I was seeing a guy that said he was accepting of me and after a few dates I went to his place and I left with new trauma (to put it lightly). I recommend heavy screening before meeting in person and if they answer with the slightest bit of transphobia, stop talking to them as a potential partner. I found that asking them about celebrities and how they view trans or nonbinary celebrities can give more accurate answers. If you ask them how they see you they are more likely to initially say as a man, but if you bring up a trans celebrity and they say something like "oh but they're a [sex assigned at birth]" then you need to get out of there. I think this is probably because it doesn't seem like a direct attack to them and they think you will only notice how they view you. Look for the microaggressions because they reveal more about a person than they realize. Casually ask them any question you can think of that could result in transphobic answers. If they pass this test then they will likely see you as a man. Doing this before they know you're trans can sometimes be even more accurate. I call this method "Fishing for Transphobes" because it decreases the number of fish in the sea. 

 

Then there is the question of a physical relationship. Obviously there are restrictions I can give you on tips, but I feel like it is important to realize that people come out at all ages. It is okay if you don't know what you are doing. Just let them know that you are knew to this side of things and if they respect you they will make sure you are comfortable and go at a pace you are okay with. I agree that if someone doesn't want to be with you until you get more surgeries done then they aren't the one for you. Maybe they can still be a friend, but I don't recommend a romantic or sexual relationship with a person like that. If they don't accept you as you are then it will only make you feel worse about yourself and you deserve someone that loves you for every part of you. 

 

If you are worried about attacks I recommend carrying pepper spray or an air horn or anything that can either be used in self defense or to alert others that you need help. Air horns aren't typically thought of as self defense weapon, but if you blow it while it's next to someone's ear it can do some damage. I don't know what sort of self defense items you are allowed to carry in Poland, but they can help at least make you feel more secure. If pepper spray isn't allowed I'm sure you are allowed spray hand sanitizer especially with the pandemic and I'd suspect the alcohol in hand sanitizer could do some damage to an attacker's eyes.

 

I hope this helps. 

[Sam S]

This is something I worry about too -- what if I go through all of this and it makes me even less attractive to the people I see as my tribe?

 

But then I think that at least I'll be my real self. And I can't be any more single than I already am.

[A. Dillon]

Even though I would like to pretend that I don't care what they say or think, deep down I know that isn't true. I am in the same boat, I have only been in a relationship with a trans guy, and I have no real idea how to break it to any cis person I might be dating that I am trans. I pass really well now, a luxury that not every guy has, but that means that there are more ignorant people I could grow close to and end up being burned. The idea that I could get so close to, even fall in love with some guy who preaches gay rights on every corner, only to be shunned when I come out scares me. It might not be as bad here as in Poland, but that doesn't mean that I haven't considered carrying around a first aid kit in case I get hate crimed. 

 

What sucks even more is that these people who are supposed to be kind and welcoming to all of us get the benefits of the community while refusing to check their bias and privilege at the door. For those people, I have a section of the LGBTQ+ just for them; the TRASH community..

T - Trolls

R - Racists

A - Abusers

S - Suppressors/Supremacists

H - Hateful

 

We can't make the whole world change, no matter how right we are and how wrong they are. There are gay men who just don't see us as real men, and for now we have to learn to cope. Be very careful with who you talk to. If you can talk to them online and are serious about them, first make sure to bring up some issues with the trans community to gauge their reaction. If they have a social media, search for anything they might have said regarding the issue. Proceed with caution, at the end of the day your safety matters most. Have a good day, and if you ever have any other concerns feel free to post and/or private message.