I don't know how to feel

[Kylara Anne Bagwell]

My name is Kylara Ann Bagwell, I am a transgender woman and to be honest it has been a very dark day for me. Let me explain a certain problem I have and then I will tell why it's been a really long and hard day. I have trouble following conversations, wether it's a broken conversation or one continuous one. I am prone to have a blank mind and don't always hear either the first few words or none at all when someone says something to me. I switch off at times to shield myself from outside interference, making it possible for me to carry on with whatever duty I am involved with. Now the Crux of my problem, my husband raked me over the coals in our couples therapy session yesterday and even though I normally let things roll off my back this round has done something and put me in a place I have never been. I feel depressed, where I just don't care. I know I have problems conversating or even communicating  to some degree. I have had abusive people in my life prior to us being together and yes it does have some impact on me and how I do things. Either I don't tell him about something or for the most part forget to mention something and a week later something will jog the memory and he gets really pissed. I also suffer from head trauma when I was ran down while riding a road bicycle a few years ago and that plays a big part in a few of my ways of thinking. I am a patient person and I don't move quickly when I have something to do. Not because I am lazy but because I want things right. So here is where I am at, I felt like the jelly fish on the beach and all the little kids had sticks and we're poking at me. It even felt like the therapist was in on it and I know she only wanted us to be able to communicate better. Sometimes a memory will jog and I will say something and then a real tongue lashing starts and sometimes it lasts for hours. I sit there telling myself, you should have kept your moth shut, then it's keeping a secret and I don't do that even though he as accused me of doing just that. 

So I have been in a really dark place today, all day and even though he and our daughter do goofy things to get a reaction, I don't want to feel happy from something from them. She is as much the cause as he is in some cases. Don't get me wrong, I love them both, Chris my husband is also Transgender, female to male and we do love each other but the last few weeks it's been heartbreaking for me cause I don't like to be this way. I am hurting I am hurting I am hurting and it's killing me to feel this way. He keeps saying when we first were together we were different and we got along so well but then he says something happened and now we have grown together but in different ways. I know about how the new and shiney wears off in a relationship but then you have what's left and it's that base dull color you are cemented with where you just know this is the right person and that's where you want to be. He wants what was and I am afraid that will never be cause I don't have it in me now. I have the comfortable feel of a fine silk dress on a cool evening wrapped around me and it's the best feeling I can describe for our relationship. 

To say I am lost is an understatement but I don't know what to do,

 

 

Thank you,

Kylara Ann

[VickySGV]

None of us here are actual therapists, but it does sound like there is some real trouble in your family that may need more than one therapist.  You are describing an abusive situation which needs a specific type of help.  The brain injury issue is a deal turner, and you are talking about issues that happened long before the marriage. All of that needs to be dealt with.  As I said, we are not therapists here, but we are compassionate Trans people here to at least listen.

[Kylara Anne Bagwell]

Thank you, I am looking into a separate therapist to see if it may help. There are a lot of feeling here and I don't want to be the one hurting others or being the one being hurt. I know it takes two to tango but it has been a really rough day. Even viewing one of my favorite LGBT friendly church videos hasn't help lift my spirits. So I have to do something.

 

Kylara Ann

[Susan R]

6 hours ago, Kylara Anne Bagwell said:

He wants what was and I am afraid that will never be cause I don't have it in me now. I have the comfortable feel of a fine silk dress on a cool evening wrapped around me and it's the best feeling I can describe for our relationship. 

To say I am lost is an understatement but I don't know what to do,

Hi Kylara, I’m sorry you’re having to go through this with someone you care deeply about. Marriage is never easy even if you both love each other very much. All I can say is..keep the lines of communication open as best you can. Frustration and anger are your enemy when trying to communicate, understanding one another, conveying your feelings and needs, etc... If you know you're both wanting the best for one another then their is always hope and in time this difficulty may pass. There will always be room for some compromise to make the relationship work.  I agree that getting a separate therapist would be the best idea in this situation. Especially if you feel it’s one sided against you in the couples session. I wish you the best on finding this help.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[KayC]

Hi Kylara! nice to meet you, and Welcome!
I read your full bio on your profile page.  Thank you for sharing!  I connected with so much of what you wrote, in particular about your early years and your eventual decision to live your life as it was intended.  I am just getting started on that part of the journey but I appreciate you providing encouragement to ignore the detractors.

I cannot and should not give you advice on your relationship, since I know they are complex and involve complex individuals and situations.  Its great your are in couples therapy but to parrot @VickySGV and @Susan R individual therapy for yourself might be very helpful.  Sometimes its difficult to articulate your deepest feelings when the other half of the relationship is in the room (and maybe your husband can follow a similar course?)

Not all relationships are meant to stay together, and anything that becomes abusive (physically or verbally) is a danger to all parties (because its not a relationship anymore at that point).  But, if the starting point is mutual Love, Respect, and a Desire to stay together then there is hope. 

This is my hope for you and your family.

I can tell you, here in the Forum, you ARE accepted.  Just as you are❣️

 

Deep breaths ... one step at a time

[Jani]

Hello Kylara,   I agree with the others that a new counselor would be a good idea.   Also work on accepting yourself as worthy of having the life you want.  You can do it.  As to your relationship, while I am not suggesting it is at an impasse, realize that sometimes time runs out on them.  Its not bad or good, it just happens.  From your profile I take that you are living part time yet yearn to go full time?  This should be explored but talking with your therapist to try and determine it this would make you happy and whole.  You deserve better.  

 

Hugs, Jani

[Abi]

Hi Kylara,

    I personally believe that diversity is what makes life so great. Look at all you have been through and how much you've struggled to get where you are. No other person alive has the same life experience as you. That is true for all of us. I can't tell you how you should feel but, I will say this. Reading this post made me feel a bit more hopeful. I hope I can find the courage to stand against people that would hold me back from happiness. You have shown great courage by sharing so much about your life. I would like to thank you for that. It would be easy to convince yourself things are going to get worse but, I don't believe that is an answer you are willing to accept. You seem like someone that really hopes to have a happy home with your husband. What you are going through sounds very difficult for both of you. I hope you both find a way to overcome the dark days together. 

 

~Abi~

[Kylara Anne Bagwell]

I am at a loss for words... Today has been OK, we have been discussing some ideas he has been thinking of about better communication for us. No, no post it notes, we've been there. Giggles. Sorry... I have brought up the topic of individual therapy and he has said we will look into it when we go back to out couples therapy this week coming up. I usually go to the work room and work on a model display for my relaxation but of late I have had no desire to look at the projects I have on the multitude of tables around my area. Everything from Jason Voorhees to Barbwire and Godzilla. I maybe a girl but I still love some of my hobbies. I haven't been able to relax even among my projects and that's what has really bothered me. I do love my family, there is no doubt, we just need time and some understanding for our troubles, this I know. As I said today has been a good day. I just hope tomorrow is as good as today was. Thank you all for your kind words. Putting this down here also helps me to put my minds twists and turns into order...some. You have given me some chicken soup for my soul and maybe, just maybe I will revisit again tomorrow and pull back the curtains a little more and let some more sunshine into my life. You have helped this old girl, I have needed this.

 

Kylara Ann

[Susan R]

1 hour ago, Kylara Anne Bagwell said:

Thank you all for your kind words. Putting this down here also helps me to put my minds twists and turns into order...some. You have given me some chicken soup for my soul...

Kylara, I find that this forum like most things in life—you get what you put into it! I’m glad you’re getting some degree of release from sharing here with us. It does the same for me too.

 

I’m glad you’re here,

Susan R?

[Jackie C.]

4 hours ago, Kylara Anne Bagwell said:

I am at a loss for words... Today has been OK, we have been discussing some ideas he has been thinking of about better communication for us. No, no post it notes, we've been there. Giggles. Sorry... I have brought up the topic of individual therapy and he has said we will look into it when we go back to out couples therapy this week coming up. I usually go to the work room and work on a model display for my relaxation but of late I have had no desire to look at the projects I have on the multitude of tables around my area. Everything from Jason Voorhees to Barbwire and Godzilla. I maybe a girl but I still love some of my hobbies. I haven't been able to relax even among my projects and that's what has really bothered me. I do love my family, there is no doubt, we just need time and some understanding for our troubles, this I know. As I said today has been a good day. I just hope tomorrow is as good as today was. Thank you all for your kind words. Putting this down here also helps me to put my minds twists and turns into order...some. You have given me some chicken soup for my soul and maybe, just maybe I will revisit again tomorrow and pull back the curtains a little more and let some more sunshine into my life. You have helped this old girl, I have needed this.

 

Kylara Ann

 

Hey now Kylara, geeky and girly can go together. For example, to my left is a Narlyhotep plushie and I'm surrounded by gaming books. Nothing has to change except what you want to.

 

Hugs!

[Kylara Anne Bagwell]

Smiles...it has always been a good method to wind down at the end of the day for me but of late it irritates me to plan to get in the work room but sometimes it always seems to never quite pan out getting time to spend there. Always something someone else wants to do and it's gotten to where I hate to trouble anyone about what I may want to do. So I feel like a over tightened spring. But I do love my geeky pastime.  

[Kylara Anne Bagwell]

Loonng day and busy. We restore houses and today was really crazy but good. Mudding walls, sanding and killing the walls to see where you miss things. Working till late and not having time to dwell on relationship issues. We did speak about plans for mutual advancement on our communication issues so I guess we made some headway. I still have issue with the way I am made to feel. Sometimes I feel like I am being seen as inferior by everyone. Tomorrow is Friday and due to bad wether we will not be going to the mountains as it's going to rain here all weekend long. Oh joy....I was so looking to go out in my bathing suit and soak up some sun. Well it's bed time, I will check in tomorrow and see how things go. Hope everyone has a love eve.

[Kylara Anne Bagwell]

Lol looooong day here. Work early this past morning and come home to try and relax. No fussing today so it's been a good day but for me I am still a good bit broken and I don't know how to rise above it. Too many time today I have felt like crying but it won't come and that frustrates me to no end. I was told to go to the work room and play with some plastic or resin. It has been very productive tonight. Still a little broken but the models help when I can distract my mind. So it's been ok for the most part and I look forward to tomorrow. Hope everyone has a wonderful Eve.

[KayC]

Hi Kylara.  Just catching up on your posts over the last few days.  Happy you had a better day today with your work and husband.

Sounds like your art/hobby is also really good for you to decompress.  Its important to have something like that in your life. 

Do you create your models yourself? or do you use kits?
 

Happy to hear your updates.  btw, you can also start a Blog if you want to make daily or frequent entries like a journal.  Sometimes its nice to track your own progress.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend❣️

[Kylara Anne Bagwell]

On 7/31/2020 at 12:18 AM, Kylara Anne Bagwell said:

 

Good morning everyone I hope you all have a great Sunday. Yes I do us some kits and then on some projects I sculpt and with this round of pics the bunker top is scratch built and then cast in ceramic. Gives that concrete feeling to it. It's also great when making shell impacts . I work in a large medium base and I am always up for a good kit bash to get something all together new out of already established kits. One of my few and fav pleasures. Yes my hobby is a good decompression for me, sometimes.  But I can't always get into it like I used to years ago. I also love to ride mountain bikes and road bikes for work out and relaxation bit no time when you run your own business. Everyone is always calling wanting something done or fixed. Don't get me wrong, I am in it to make money and  we do good to be a small business. But sometimes I need a breather and it feels like I can't breathe at times. As far as the blog, I don't know how to do it or where to start but it sounds like fun. Thank  you for giving me a chance to connect even for a small amount of time, it always helps.

 

 

Kylara Ann Bagwell

[Kylara Anne Bagwell]

On 8/2/2020 at 7:58 AM, KayC said:

Hi Kylara.  Just catching up on your posts over the last few days.  Happy you had a better day today with your work and husband.

Sounds like your art/hobby is also really good for you to decompress.  Its important to have something like that in your life. 

Do you create your models yourself? or do you use kits?
 

Happy to hear your updates.  btw, you can also start a Blog if you want to make daily or frequent entries like a journal.  Sometimes its nice to track your own progress.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend❣️

Sorry for the latent response here I knew I had read it before but I could not for the life of me remember where I had read it. How do I start a blog? Where do I go to do this...

[Jackie C.]

5 hours ago, Kylara Anne Bagwell said:

How do I start a blog? Where do I go to do this...

 

Up at the top of this page, there's a button for... "Blogs". Once the site redirects you to blogs, there's a button up top that says... "Create a Blog". Then you write.

 

Hugs!

[Kylara Anne Bagwell]

Sorry for the delay, we have been very busy at work, thank you for the help on the blogs

 

Kylara Ann