Am I trans? Please help

[Confusedconfusedconfused]

Hi,

 

I am 21 years old and for my whole life I have identified as straight and cisgender female.

 

When I was 16 I started experiencing debilitating identity issues, feeling unsure of who I was and like everything I did was not me. I was diagnosed with depression. Over the years I have seen therapists and psychologists, but these identity issues have stayed with me until today. I feel like I know who I am at my core, yet I often times hate how I act and appear outwardly, even with my long term close friends and family.

 

At the end of last year I broke up with my boyfriend, shaved my head, and figured out I am actually mostly attracted to women. This realization has made me feel a lot more like myself, but I still experience identity issues, only slightly less debilitating. Recently when I experience a situation of, let's call it, identity dissociation, I have passively entertained the idea of a being trans man. Since entertaining this idea, I have started to realize little things about myself; I don't mind, even prefer, having hair on my body. I like it when my voice is a deeper tone. I strongly dislike the way I look in makeup. Female clothing is bizarre because by shallow beauty standards I have a beautiful female body, so from an outside perspective I know I look "pretty," but within myself I feel uncomfortable and like the clothes are just not for me. I've become hyper aware of my breasts, feeling uncomfortable with the feeling of them on my chest, two or three times in the last month or two pushing them aside or flattening them in the mirror for curiosity. But all these things about myself felt like coincidences. I had not considered being trans seriously until today.

 

I was supposed to meet my very close friend. I put on a pair of shorts, a tank top, and I looked at myself and felt the identity issues creep in. When I looked at my body, I felt a disconnect. So I tried another shirt. Still wasn't satisfied. I tried on a third shirt. Same thing. I figured, "oh, this is how I have always felt," and decided to wear the original tank top. Halfway to my friend's, I still felt this awful disconnected feeling, and I just wanted to go home and take off the clothes and be alone. So I did, and then I started to think. I currently have short boy-like hair (since I shaved my head only at the end of last year) and my face in my perspective is androgynous because I look so much like my brother. These things do not bother me. But my body. I pushed my breasts aside in the mirror once again and thought for the first time I might actually like that better. I looked at my hips, my hands, spoke in my voice to see how I hear it, things I have read are gender dysphoria. And I felt/feel weird. I keep looking at myself in the mirror. I feel like there is so much I am realizing (I haven't listed everything) but at the same time being trans is so serious and I don't want to get it wrong. I'm so confused I don't know. I've made an appointment with a transgender-issues psychologist to get a a professional opinion, but I would love to have some opinions sooner than that.

 

And that leaves me here writing this. Thank you for reading and thank you for your help.

 

[Susan R]

 

2 hours ago, Confusedconfusedconfused said:

I've made an appointment with a transgender-issues psychologist to get a a professional opinion, but I would love to have some opinions sooner than that.

Welcome @Confusedconfusedconfused I think you are doing all the right things to help you get a handle on this. A professional opinion is a great start and they may help you see even more clues and give you some additional perspectives. Things seem confusing at first until you begin to look at all the clues together. During my life presenting male, I ignored the obvious clues and never really saw the whole picture until years later.

Your situation does sound like you are experiencing gender dysphoria. Also, the steps you’ve described and taken to help with your dysphoria are common ways many transgender individuals cope with it. I think reaching out to others who have had similar experiences is also a good step in the right direction. We are here to help any way we can. There are others here that can offer you knowledgeable support, advice and friendship. Thanks again for sharing a part of yourself here tonight. I hope you find what you need.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome Trans Pulse, Confused.  Let me start by saying that what you are feeling is not very unusual, and not everyone who is trans knew that at a very young age.  Sometimes it does creep up on us.  Like my friend Susan said, it does sound very much like you have dysphoria with your body.  That might indicate that you are transgender, but doesn't begin to tell you what you should do about it, if anything.

 

You mentioned having seen therapists and psychologists in the past.  If they were not specifically training in gender therapy they might not have recognized those aspects of your mind set or how to address them.  If you can find a gender therapist (and many are online these days) that would be a good place to start, along with your being here.

 

I encourage you to ask questions and read as much as you can within these forums.  That will be beneficial.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Abi]

2 hours ago, Confusedconfusedconfused said:

I had not considered being trans seriously until today.

There are so many moments when we say "what if" about who we see in the mirror. I personally avoid mirrors. Just because you are seriously considering the meaning of what being trans will mean for you, that does not mean you must know all the answers or even any of them all at once. That's not how life really works. 

 

2 hours ago, Confusedconfusedconfused said:

I feel like there is so much I am realizing (I haven't listed everything) but at the same time being trans is so serious and I don't want to get it wrong.

There really is no way to get being who you are wrong. You know yourself and you probably know the only constant in life is change. You will not be who you are today when you begin your day tomorrow. You can navigate this if you keep getting support and advice. The therapist should be good for you to find a safe path to knowing how to proceed. 

 

No one can tell you if you are trans or not. This is a very personal and life altering event. It is only within you  to know who and how you will 

[SL]

This sounds very familiar. I am also 21 and started questioning November 2018. I knew I was probably trans since spring 2019, but I didn't come out as trans until this summer. What I'm trying to say is the process of "knowing for sure" can take time. (A lot of trans people can experience impostor syndrome which is why I put it in quotations.) It is completely okay to not know right now. For me it was a trip to a more progressive state where a retail worker helped me pick out male clothes and let me try them on in-store that made me realize how badly I wanted to be seen as a man. In the beginning you are going to be very uncomfortable, but you'll learn what makes you feel better and it's going to get easier. Like personally for me if I look down and see my chest before I put on a shirt in the morning, I'm going to have a really crappy day so I keep a loose fitting shirt or sweatshirt within arms reach when I sleep. 

 

There is a chance you could in the non-binary spectrum and experience dysphoria so I recommend trying out pronouns and adding more androgynous or male clothes to your wardrobe to figure out what makes you feel comfortable. Another cheap thing you can do is try out face filters on apps. If seeing yourself with a beard or a more squared jaw makes you feel better, listen to that.

 

It sounds like you have top dysphoria so if you start binding please be safe. Do not use ace bandages. There are a few discussions in the FtM discussion board about binding so I recommend looking at those. There are also a lot of "binders" out there that may not be safe (ie. ones without straps, ones that clip on the side, etc) so if you decide to buy one you should probably stick to Underworks or gc2b. 

 

If you have any questions or just want someone to talk to, feel free to DM me. 

[Confusedconfusedconfused]

2 hours ago, SL said:

This sounds very familiar. I am also 21 and started questioning November 2018. I knew I was probably trans since spring 2019, but I didn't come out as trans until this summer. What I'm trying to say is the process of "knowing for sure" can take time. (A lot of trans people can experience impostor syndrome which is why I put it in quotations.) It is completely okay to not know right now. For me it was a trip to a more progressive state where a retail worker helped me pick out male clothes and let me try them on in-store that made me realize how badly I wanted to be seen as a man. In the beginning you are going to be very uncomfortable, but you'll learn what makes you feel better and it's going to get easier. Like personally for me if I look down and see my chest before I put on a shirt in the morning, I'm going to have a really crappy day so I keep a loose fitting shirt or sweatshirt within arms reach when I sleep. 

 

There is a chance you could in the non-binary spectrum and experience dysphoria so I recommend trying out pronouns and adding more androgynous or male clothes to your wardrobe to figure out what makes you feel comfortable. Another cheap thing you can do is try out face filters on apps. If seeing yourself with a beard or a more squared jaw makes you feel better, listen to that.

 

It sounds like you have top dysphoria so if you start binding please be safe. Do not use ace bandages. There are a few discussions in the FtM discussion board about binding so I recommend looking at those. There are also a lot of "binders" out there that may not be safe (ie. ones without straps, ones that clip on the side, etc) so if you decide to buy one you should probably stick to Underworks or gc2b. 

 

If you have any questions or just want someone to talk to, feel free to DM me. 

Definitely know what you mean by imposter syndrome. I woke up feeling very unsure, and I'm sure I will feel that way for some time. But I put on three of my mom's sports bras (temporarily), pants from my male best friend, a t shirt, and I stood in the mirror like a guy with my hands in my pockets. I felt really good looking and confident. I'm taking it one day at a time for the future, but it feels I've finally unlocked the first step of *something*. 

[SL]

I'm glad it's helping! Just wait until you get men's underwear. It's the best. They are so comfortable and affirming and I think they may be wedgie proof! I could never find a pair of women's underwear that didn't ride up so I consider this a great accomplishment haha. I'm happy you have a friend that let's you borrow his pants! That'll definitely help you save some money while figuring out where you are on the spectrum and finding things that fit.

[Jackie C.]

42 minutes ago, SL said:

They are so comfortable and affirming and I think they may be wedgie proof!

 

As someone who survived the public school system as an AMAB, I 100% guarantee that men's underwear is not wedgie-proof.

 

Hugs!

[K.S.S]

On 8/2/2020 at 10:57 PM, Confusedconfusedconfused said:

I feel like there is so much I am realizing (I haven't listed everything) but at the same time being trans is so serious and I don't want to get it wrong. 

Hi! I know you posted this a lil while ago, but I'm new here so I hope you don't mind me throwing my input into the ring. I'm also a 21 year old AFAB and I felt what you said in my bones. It's good that you're recognizing these feelings at all, I started having them at a very young age and because I didn't know what it was, it scared me and I pushed it down and punished myself for... feeling different. 

At 14 I came out as bisexual to my mother, telling myself I was just a tomboy, which she was supportive of, saying she had friends who I could talk to if I felt I needed it. Then at 18 I mentioned feeling trans, but she said it could be a phase and I just... dropped it. But you shouldn't do that, it's okay to come out and then down the road realize this isn't you. I think the trick is to make sure it's a feeling and not you just telling yourself "this is who I have to be." 

A lot of people on this forum recommend gender focused therapy it might take a few years worth of visits but that's certainly worth it, just don't wait. 

 

Best wishes,

K